Want better sex? Touch is the start: we are all mammals.

Day Three: Super-Power Liberation & Happiness Pathway #3:

Touch

We’ve already started touch. You held hands while saying awarenesses aloud. You did notice a difference, right?

Awareness is wonderful, “Now I am aware….” Fill it in, now, this now, it’s always a new now, right?

And notice: where did you pick to be present?

And now, find your partner, or a friend, and hold hands (or imagine) hold hands, and share “Now I am aware…”

What is the difference?

This is life: awareness.

Learning as noticing difference.

Alert life: we get to make a choice.

And one choice that is often ignored, and then thrown into the sex pot to make up for the neglect of the rest of our life:

Touch.

We need touch.

We starve without touch. 

We are mammals.

If you don’t have a partner, try to hug two or three people a day.

If you can’t hug two or three people a day, hug a tree or two. Shake hands.

Hug yourself. Go into a room, and feel a vibration of connectedness and imagine hugging everyone, from a feeling of abundance. Humans deserve touch. Imagine hugging from giving yourself and another person what the real mammal in you and the real mammal in them deserves.

And saving the world?

There are homeless. There is climate collapse. There is racism and sexism. There is gun violence.

This can’t be ignored. And still, as we help to heal these “problems” we are mammals. We are in a present. There are other mammal/ people around us.

And all around us are people who could thrive with hugs and being present. Are you starting to feel and realize that life is a big story, a big challenge?

And with every kindness that calls for a partner, there is always a way to start on our own. We can use touch as a “wake up” call with one hand to another.

Right now.

You don’t have to wait to be present.

You don’t have to wait for kind and awakened touch.

Hand to hand.

Now.

This is available to us. Almost everywhere we are, if we aren’t using our hands for driving say. Even at the computer, a little short “break” from the ongoing rush, especially if we stand up and do this, can be of immense benefit.

Do what?

Rub/ caress/ explore/ massage/ touch one of our hands with the other.

We can sneak in a small dose while sitting at a boring meeting, or while walking to our car.

And if you give yourselves three minutes, right now, that will be what this book is for: a chance to transform your life. By small and real actions that we call “games.” Let’s play….

Touching Hands Game #1: One hand touches/ caresses/ explores the other.

Set a timer. Three minutes. (Seems “long.” And, do you deserve three minutes of self-kindness?)

Use your non-dominant hand as the “giving hand.” 

Use your dominant hand as the “receiving hand.”

(E.g., if you are right handed, the left hand will caress/ touch/ explore the right hand. If left handed, your right hand will caress/ touch/ explore your left hand.)

For three minutes, go slowly, and explore one hand with the other.

As you caress/ touch/ explore one hand with the other, be present at three levels as we learned in day two:

Bottom Level: Sense your pelvis feet and gravity.

Mid- level: Feel your breathing, ribs and of course, both hands and sets of fingers

Top- layer: Notice what you are hearing and seeing and how the air is coming in and out of your nose.

This is to treat touch as sacred.

THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF SACRED AND MINDFUL SEX.

Go for three minutes.

If you feel / “think” ( as the words in our heads that passes as thinking, but isn’t) you are wasting time, notice that. And come back to the present of being present to one hand with the other.

When it’s over, notice the difference in the two hands.

With a few notes, perhaps, right here…

PS: What is the receiving hand grateful for? What is the giving hand grateful for? You might add that to your gratitude journal.

If you have a partner doing this with their hands at the same time, share your awarenesses.

This is simple.

Except…. notice your resistance: do I have three minutes to be nice to myself?

Do you feel silly, to be being kind and loving to yourself?

Notice the gratitude of the hand receiving.

Notice the gratitude and learning of the hand giving.

Be alert: how well do you think this would help your connection to your partner?

If you don’t have a partner, notice how this might help you connect to a partner when you do have one. ( If you want that. )

And… if you do have a partner, this is a wonderful beginner’s step to having sex every day: You rub/ caress/ explore their hand for three minutes. They do the same for you.

Touching your Partner’s Hand, for three minutes:

The beginnings of Mindful and Fabulous Sex

One of the greatest shortfalls in normal, and often boring, and frequently avoided, sex, is that it almost entirely genital and is all supposed to be wham bam full speed almost instantly.

Very little, if any, time is devoted to letting one partner be the recipient, the receiver, the you-are-being-loved one.

This is tragic.  Non-reciprocal sex is hugely important.

Huh?

Non-reciprocal sex is hugely important.

How do I know that?

We have sex once or more a day, and one fuel that keeps that happening is a mindful sex practice that we allow / commit ourselves to almost every day.

Where did I learn this?

I had the immense good and bad fortune to be in a very messy group, training in Female Orgasm, that claimed to be trying for mindful sex.

It failed, but at least it tried.

And it had a seemingly bizarre and very powerfully wonderful practice: the man ( or one partner in a lesbian couple) would stroke, very VERY slowly and gently the clitoris of the receiving partner.

The “stroker” kept all their clothes on.

The “receiver” took off her panties.

The “meditation” — since the goal was to be present without a goal of climax and without the “warming up” for sex after— was by a timer, 2 minute leg rub, 13 minute clitoris stroking, 2 minute calm down.

After, you shared one moment’s awareness of sensation. You got up. You got dressed. You didn’t have sex. This didn’t take place on a bed.

You  and your various partners in this training, usually never had “sex” sex.

This was a very interesting way to connect with people. Especially for someone in his late sixties. Later, this will be in our book as an unusual, but extremely beneficial game that will be a subset of the “super-power liberation and happiness” pathway of SEX EVERY DAY. But not for awhile. Let’s start very very simply. Hand caress/ touch/ massage. 

Instead of the clitoris receiving, one hand receives. A big difference.

And then again, not: the hand has not as many pleasure receptors, but it does have a huge number of wirings in our brain.

And, to “just” receive is something we are usually extremely limited in.

This is a way of pleasure and relaxation and telling our partner’s brains and inner being: you are important. You matter. I have time and willingness to be present to you in a very real and non-bullshit way.

This is good. Let’ do it…

Day Two: Partners Take 2 minute turns touching/ caressing/ exploring one of the other person’s hands.

That’s it.

The giver uses two hands.

Go slowly.

Be curious and exploratory.

Sense your body in all three levels as you give.

Listen to what you feel as you give.

Receiver: listen not just to what you are receiving in your hand, but to what is happening at all three levels of your body.

After the two minutes take a bit of a break with several deep deep breaths. 

Then go the other way, before talking.

Then another break.

And then share, how was this as a giver. How was this to be the receiver.

Here’s a crucial deal.

I’m going to say what your body and soul wants to hear: do this every day.

I’m going to say what your “I’m too busy” robot will hate to hear: do this every day.

I’m going to say something the stuck in your rut you will love and hate to hear: do this every day.

The brain: one use, to stay stuck in our patterns.

The brain, best use: discover what happens new and now when you do, try, open to, explore, something new.

Make it the second most important daily exercise.

The first most important DAILY exercise: 

If you are alone, write gratitudes.

If you have a partner, hold hands and share gratitudes. And write them, too.

What’s the crucial deal?

People will think, feel and act as if the six minutes this hand to hand caress/ explore/ massage and then share is “too much.”

They will be too busy.

Which means: no time for love making.

Which means: you don’t really like each other that much. (Well, it’s usually more than that: you are afraid to like/ love/ adore/ hunger for each other again)

Which means: you are depriving yourself of the joy of living with another person. 

(Why do we live together?

1. the friendship of good talk, 
2. the bliss of good sex, 
3. the growth of woking through the crap all couples have)

So, for those in a relationship who want it fabulous or more fabulous, say gratitudes as you hold hands.

Then rub your partner’s hand. And they rub yours.

That may take all of ten minutes. 

Notice the difference that ten minutes makes in your life.

If you live alone.

Write in your gratitude journal.

Rub your own hand.

Take a walk and say aloud awareness in the three levels.

Don't Believe your own Thinking

The new blog is a sub set of BecomeMoreAmazing.com

So, this will be there, too.

Perhaps a couple of times a month, I'll put them both places, just to keep this one going.
It might be a hoot to reach 1000 indexed posts!



Here's today:

Day Three: Super Power Liberation Pathway Number Three:

Love, Lust and Liberation by….

Don’t Believe Your Own Thinking

Here is some sad but true news: we are all crazy.

Or, wait a minute: this is liberating and happy news: we are all crazy. Huh? Read on.

Look at this craziness: We say we love someone, and then we obsess in our thoughts about how THEY are the cause of our unhappiness and how THEY should change. ( I love you just the way you are. Now, change.)

Or how about this, as even more dead ahead crazy: WE WANT THE PAST TO HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT.

Have you ever heard a more sure losing bet? Our whining has the power the rewind and rewrite the past we so often think, or “think” it should be called, in those moments when we are crazy, and believe our thinking and make ourselves unhappy.

This is either sad or funny: how much of human emotional suffering comes from demanding in our own idiotic way this impossibility: that the past have been different.

Let’s jump and leave those crazinesses behind in two ways. Big surprise from what we’ve done so far: in one game we’ll jump into gratitude, and in the other game we’ll jump into the present of the present. 

Don’t Believe Your Own Thinking Game #1: Jump to Gratitude

Find some crappy thoughts you are having about “someone”

Stand on some spot that you’ll call and feel as the “blame spot.” Once there, think more consciously the blame thoughts you are already thinking about the other person. 

Allow your body to crunch in.

Deliberately go over and over the thoughts.

Notice the crappy feelings that accompany the thoughts.

Now: the transition set-up.

Then, stand up straighter, and look out at the world (get out of your head) and take a deep breath.

Now, the shift:

Now JUMP, really, Jump to another spot, and in that spot take another deep breath. Lengthen and play with your arms a little. Look around and see some things you like. 

And..say aloud six gratitudes.

Three about life in general.

Three about this so-called “bad” person who did whatever to push your buttons.

EXPERIENCE DIFFERENCE: Now, slink back to the original blame spot, and feel the pain of that.  Go into believing the blame thoughts again. Notice the difference. Learn.

EXPERIENCE DIFFERENCE: And jump again to the gratitude spot. Again, three gratitudes aloud for life in general and three appreciations/ gratitudes about the other person.

And feel the differences, which is to say: learn. 

And from each gratitude spot, look back at the blame spot and see how diminished and sad it appears.

We’ve already experienced the power of gratitude.

And we’ve made it explicit that learning is noticing a difference that makes a difference.

Here we are jumping to two different spots, to have a gratitude based outlook on reality.

And experiencing the difference.

And… we can always slink back, temporarily, to the grumpy/ blame spot. Knowing that we have two alternatives, at least is an immense relief. Right?

For the next game, we’ll jump again, and this time we will once more jump back and forth and compare the two choices. This time we’ll jump from the impossible belief: the past should have been different, to the miracle space: we are alive right now, what is our three layered awareness right now.

Freedom from Crazy Thinking Game #2: The Past “Should” have been different vs. Jump to the Now

Stand in a sad spot, and take some belief in your head about some past situation that “should” have been different.

Grunt and groan and see if you have the power to change the past.

Crunch down and feel weak and notice how whining inside doesn’t move the past a bit.

Now.

EXPERIENCE DIFFERENCE. Jump.

To a new spot. Breathe deeply. And feel the breathing in your middle layer.

Wiggle your toes and feel you bottom layer.

Smile and feel the smile and look at the world with your eyes and hear it with your ears.

Now systematically, say a “Now I am aware…”, twice, of the bottom layer.

Then, “now I am aware…,” twice, of the middle layer.

Finally, “Now I am aware…,” twice of the top layer.

Delight in being present.

EXPERIENCE DIFFERENCE. Then, slink back to the “Past should have been different” belief pattern.

See, once more, how crappy and powerless this feels.

Notice the difference.

Realize that this is a choice.

EXPERIENCE DIFFERENCE. Make the other choice.

Jump to the Present of the Present Spot.

Again, work your delighted awareness through the three layers:

Bottom: toes, ankles, feet, legs, knees, hips, pelvis, balance, movement, toes

Middle: ribs, breath, belly, spine, arms, hands, fingers

Top: neck, skull, face, smell, sight, sound, smile, hair.

Feel the fullness of life.

From this fullness look back at the false belief (otherwise known as a LIE) that the past should have been different.

Stay in the present of the present spot and realize, with humor the silliness of the other spot.

Then, go find your partner and hold hands and take a walk.

Or, go take a walk on your own.

Delight in gratitude and the present. YOU MIGHT EVEN SHARE PRESENT AWARENESS AND GRATITUDE WITH THEM AS YOU WALK.

HMMM.

That’s enough for day three.

As daily activities, saying gratitudes while holding  hands: a pretty great idea.

Saying present awareness in three layers while holding hands a pretty great idea.

Taking a jump to gratitude or the present whenever you are unhappy and want to EXPERIENCE THE DIFFERENCE of an unhappiness free life ( otherwise known as happy): a pretty good idea, don’t you think?

Coaching: A free sample session for those who want to wake up to a much more full time happiness, love, lust and enlightenment. Text me. 360-317-4773

Gratitude opens the way

Gratitude as Foundation

On June 20, 2015, I walked half a block down my street in Austin, Texas, to meet a woman I knew and admired and liked, but with whom I thought I had no “romantic” expectations. I had met her a mere three months before, in March. She had moved to Austin in February. Now in June it was a gentle summer’s day, and we were going to meet for a lunch and “study” session. I was writing a book on radical listening. She was smart and kind and I wanted her input. Her name was Carol Williams then.

It’s Carol Elms now.

We thought we were meeting for an hour and a half. For lunch and a bit of her help on a book I was writing, the precursor to this one.

Twelve hours later, at one am, as I pried myself out the door, to walk the half block back to my home, we both were almost certain we’d met the future lifetime partner that had a day before seemed “almost impossible” to find. I’d written an “almost impossible goal” to find a fabulous woman within walking distance. And an “almost impossible goal” to find a lifetime partner at 70 years old. I hadn’t realized till that night that Carol was to be the answer to that request.

And even with goals and prayers, without our both being immersed in gratitude I don’t think this “miracle” would have happened. Why?

We all thrive in gratitude…

On that night, and since then,  the practice of gratitude was a deeply embedded part of both our lives. Then, as now, I was writing in a “gratitude journal” at least twice, often three or four or five times, a day. Carol, on that miracle day, had a steady background prayer life, of which gratitude and thanks was a significant part. Now she has a gratitude journal, too. Will you soon get a gratitude journal? Only if you want transformation as deeply and easily as possible.

Don’t believe me, or anyone. Test drive gratitude right now.

Mini-game: Think of 3 things you are grateful for. Does something shift?

How does this work?

The Power of Gratitude

Gratitude focuses our hearts and minds on what we like and love in life, what is going well in our life, what we are thankful for and want more of. Instead of wasting time and mental energy on worry or complaining, gratitude allows us to look at life from a peaceful and open heart. With an eager heart alert to what has gone well in the past, we are primed to be looking forward to more “good stuff” unfolding each day.

Gratitude has us focused on what we want more of in life, not what we want less.

Modern research has shown what ancient wisdom has long suspected: the brain (and person) can be in either fear or gratitude.

Carol and I were tuned in to what we appreciated about our lives. This made it far easier to tune into what we could appreciate in the other person. And then, twelve hours after I’d walked in the door, we dragged ourselves apart.

The next day we went to an amazing Austin church together.

Soon we were engaged.

And the deeper “Yes” came on March 5, 2016, the day of our marriage. Our ninth wedding vow (all of which we recite to each other every morning) is: 

We are joyfully creating a long and happy and healthy and enlightened Love, Friendship and Marriage that is getting better and better and better every day.

Every day. Better and better and better.

That usually happens. (Remember “impossible goals?”)

Disclaimer: sometimes it doesn’t. And we get a chance to be grateful to learn, once more, after once more, after once more, one of the keys to developing the Love part of Love, Lust and Enlightenment: When it’s not working, do something else.

Which is actually a key part of business or health or spiritual success.

And humor, too, is key to love, so on days when the better and better and better isn’t working, this phrase can sometimes save our asses (pun intended with phrase coming up): 

‘I’M AN ASS; YOU’RE AN ASS; SO BE IT, LET’S MOVE FORARD WITH SELF LAUGHTER AND LOVE” 

And, then, the days that it’s better and better and better, and we…

We touch a lot. Kiss a lot. Have delicious and mindful sex a lot.

We are getting better and better at converting growls into laughs.

We are getting better and better and transforming complaints into ease and self realization and “we goals.” Delicious laughter. (Sometimes. See above.)

And making love.

Delicious lovemaking. More than the fervor of “first two months” sex.

The best of our lives.

Once a day.

Twice a day.

Three times a day.

She is now 68 to my 72. Neither of us have ever had a third as much sex as we are having now. For her before it was several times a month, at best. For me, twice a week.

And now: zowie. As if we were in our twenties. 

We didn’t expect this much bliss, but we sure aren’t complaining.

And… if we can do it, you can.

If we can find a great love, so can you, if you are looking.

If we can have the best sex of our lives, so can you, if you are willing.

If we can keep learning (and learning and learning) how to transform good old fashioned “buttons being pushed” to love and ease and forgiveness, so can you.

This book has twenty days worth of “games.”

If you want to change, you’ll need to enjoy new actions.

All these games are actions you can test out and see what happens.

This book is about transformation, which can be a bullshit word.

Learning is not, though I have yet to ask a teacher of all sort for a definition of “learning” and gotten one this simple and to the point:

Leaning is noticing a difference that makes a difference.

In every game in this book, you will be noticing a difference between before playing the game and after playing.

It’s up to you to play, more and more and more, if you want a better and better and better life.

Do you want a better and better life, a fabulous sex life, a deepening love life, a radical increase in your ability to be present. If so, this book is the place for you.

We can stay the same, or we can change. Before any more overview let’s play the first two “games” and start the transformation/ learning process.

Learning is something that has been discovered (brain plasticity) to be available all our lives, and when it happens, real shifts happen in your brain. Tens of thousands, or far more, neurological pathways are laid down.

Let’s start re-wiring in a fun and beneficial and easy way. We’ll start with gratitude. Gratitude and Love.

Day One: 

Love and Gratitude Game #1:

Notice how you are feeling now.

Say aloud five things you are grateful for. Feel your heart as you say these five.

Notice how you are feeling now.

If you are alone, jot down here a few reminder sentences on what shifted by saying five gratitudes aloud.

My notes on the differences I noticed….

If you do this with a partner, take turns saying the five things to each other, followed by a brief sharing of what difference saying aloud fine gratitudes made.

Really, do it now. This is not a book to “just read” and imagine “doing it” later. This is not a book of “good ideas” for you to give your “screwed up” friends. This is a transformation manual for those who want even more amazing life.

So, do it.

Say aloud five things you are grateful for, and be as present to your body and your voice and your heart as you can be while you do so.

As I’ve said above, you can be grateful or you can be in fear. Can you feel a shift in you when you say gratitudes aloud? Let’s try an even more sure fire way of shifting our energy to being a happier and more loving person. Standing. Letting ourselves feel our more full bodies.

Good. 

Let’s try:

Day One

Love and Gratitude Game #2:

Notice how you are feeling now.

Stand up.

If there is a window available that has a view of Nature, please go there.

Or, if your life is such that walking out into Outside, to see nature, or going out to actually , Stand in Nature, so much the better.

Feel your body standing up.

Say aloud, five gratitudes. The same ones. New ones. If you can be watching Nature at the same time all the better.

Notice any difference.

If you are alone, jot down here a few reminder sentences on what shifted by saying five gratitudes aloud.

My notes on the differences I noticed….

As, before, if you do this with a mate, take turns. Go outside together if you can. Share the aloud gratitudes and share a bit on what difference that made.

When you do this it’s such a nice excuse to be upright. It’s a nice excuse to return to our hearts. It’s a nice excuse to realize this: life can be pretty wonderful.

And now, to begin something that I hope you institute as a new and ongoing part of your life: Writing gratitudes, daily, in a journal.

Day One:

Love and Gratitude Game #3: Write five Gratitudes.

Notice how you feel.

Get a journal, label it your “Gratitude Journal” and write down five things you are grateful for.

Write slowly.

Feel your breathing coming in and out. Sense your hand and arm moving. Listen in the present to the sound of the pen moving across the paper.

Feel your handwriting as part of YOU pouring out your appreciation for life.

If you don’t have a journal, YET, grab any piece of paper and write five gratitudes.

Notice how you feel now.

If you are alone, jot down here a few reminder sentences on what shifted by writing down five gratitudes.

My notes on the differences I noticed….

As, before, if you do this with a mate, take turns. Write the gratitude at the same time. Then, share aloud the difference that seemed to make.

And now you are launched.

There are two more games for Day One, and you needn’t worry, if you “get behind.”  As long as you are doing games each day.

AND… I want you touching on day one. At least touching one hand with another, and, if you have a partner, touching one of their hands with two of yours.

Change requires change, and the games are to get you into the game, so to speak.