Saturday, December 06, 2014

Waking Up in Love-- do it, or the love will die..... argh


You can fall in love and not be awake. You are swept off your feet for deep seated and/or idiotic reasons.
Doesn’t matter. You head turns off its dominance for awhile and you fall.
And then you get together.

It's all perfect.
And then it's not.

And then you have the choice, be mindful or mindless in your love.
Mindful seems a lot of trouble, except that it’s so fun, because you are present at each moment to new possibilities, to doing something different than your programming says to do, or different than either of you are expecting.

Mindless, as in not being present, as in not being mindful, is the default mode of human life, and if you have met Ms. Right, or Mr Right, it seems like you’re going to get away with drifting along on your good luck, except for a minor detail.

It won’t work unless you both have perfect parents.

If you both have perfect parents, then when things get stressful you can go to the mindless automatic solution you saw with your parents ( which, not so strangely, will be either mindfulness or something close: like humor, like listening, like putting the other first, like hugging and taking a breather, like… Who knows? Perfect parents must have a lot of cool ways of dealing with trouble.
I’ve never met anyone with perfect parents, but if it’s you, let me know what they did).

And then, the rest of us.
With imperfect parents, who had less than ideal ways of relating to each other when stress came down, if we are mindless then we are on automatic.
If we are on automatic we are going to go for our programming.
If they weren’t so good, these programs, usually something like putting the other down, not listening, get defensive, getting offensive, drinking, avoidance, having affairs, overeating…. Whatever they did not so well, if we are mindless, we have to drift back into copying their mode.

Which sucked for them, whether they stuck it out or not.

Aside: sticking it out has it’s advantages, and without real month by month mindful growth, it’s taking each other for granted, avoiding each other and going about somewhat robot lives, fighting a lot, various drug and or sexual escapes, all the above shenanigans.

So it’s a two way deal:
Be mindful.
That things aren’t going so well.
That stress is up.
That there are solutions out there.
That these solutions are to be had outside of the conditioned pathway.
( If you are in a couple and reading this and want to have a pile of non conditioned and amazing ways to break through to a new level, call, or email RIGHT NOW)

And what would being mindful look like.

Ah, lots of ways, and this is, since it can be done in almost all circumstances, talking or not, is the best I have found.

1 sensing entire right leg all toes to hip joint

2 adding on ( keep sensing leg)
Entire right arm
All fingers to shoulder 

3 adding on
Entire left arm
Shoulder to all fingers 

4 adding on ( keep sensing other three)
Entire left leg hip joint to all toes

5 adding on
Spine sensing pelvis to head

6 repeat and deepen 
All six

Then other way
Left leg toes to hip

8 add on
Left arm fingers to shoulder 

9 add on
Right arm shoulder to fingers

10 add on
Right leg hip to all toes

11 add on
Spine from pelvis to head


13 back to right side first

Do things in multiples of 12

One breath each as driving say

On left foot
Swing right foot back from floor to behind
36 times
Sensing the count as above

Then other way

Balance too two

Stand on left foot
Hold right knee both hands
Pull to chest on outbreath

Do 24 or 36 times

Then other way

This will bring presence in a real embodied way


"Coming home " to now

Increasing attention

Getting free of thought and outside triggers

Slowing down 

Real balance & strength 

Alright: go to it.
With a mate or not, being mindful in our bodies is fun, wonderful, useful and reminds us of the most important thing in the world:
Which is?

You tell me.



Friday, December 05, 2014

Maybe the violence/ aggression post was too narrow-- TWO NERVOUS SYSTEMS—APOLLONIAN vs DIONYSIAN—BOTH RIGHT


Once there was a panel from a number of successful communes throughout the country. When asked what the central problem was, a large majority said: Dogs!
My dog’s barking and doglike behavior is great to me, but may be annoying as hell to another.
(Same with my frisky child, seen by another as my bratty child)

This is my third time around on the slapping issue, slapping as a part of the Authentic Games nights,  and having had the epiphany that for some people this is a big kick, and in a certain way, I don’t have a right to interfere with that kick, set the quietness in motion from which these reflections can take place.

The “problem” is age old in societies. Does the perky young neighbor’s right to have a hell of a good time having a noisy party at 1 AM come first or my wish to have some sleep starting at 11.
The dogs issues shows it’s not an age thing, though it often plays out that way.
Taking it down a notch more, does the Toddler’s right to bang the hell out of the pans and learn about gravity by pouring the milk on the floor over ride the parent’s desire for some order and peacefulness.

And then there are the two nervous systems. Parasympathetic calms us, creating conditions for digestion, sleep, relaxation. Sympathetic ( I know, it’s a weird matching) is to jack us up, get us ready for fight or flight or sex or vigorous activity ( no surprise sports and war language going hand in hand).

Both have their cool sides. Jacked up, hyper alert, ready for anything, this is ecstatic dance at it’s loudest or any of the old orgiastic times, called Dionysian by the Greeks, for the god of drink and merriment.  Thrashing around the campfire, letting off steam, or getting ready for the orgy, or charging up in war paint to go off to war.
No doubt about it, this is a fun one.

The calmer nervous system is more boring sometimes, and cultivated say in slower, more mindful movement, tai chi and whatnot, or mindful walking or meditation, or moments of quiet in a busy day.
The Apollo  way, Apollonian, calm and ordered. Which actually isn’t how real meditation is, but that’s another story.

So the slaps come along. The shouting comes along. Not my cup of tea. My hearing on the left side and my sight in my left eye are both considerably weaker. Think through where a right handed slap from good old Mom would land.

But that doesn’t mean for the young bucks, this isn’t a hell of a great chance to experience something young bucks have been experiencing as long as we’ve had these two nervous systems, which is a pretty long time.
Young bucks, let’s say in this day and age, includes women who don’t want to deny that frisky wild woman part.

I could yammer a bit more about ecstatic dance vs what I used to call the geriatric dance (Dancing together), and why I liked to go back and forth between the two, but the fun of this now, is realizing: both sides are right.
We need peacefulness.
We need alert vigorous living.

How does this fit in the Authentic Games room?
I’m not sure.

I do know someone slapping in my sight, or shouting in my hearing range, has to activate my parasympathetic nervous system.
What I don’t’ know, that I thought I did when I jumped into this fray, is whether that’s anything I have any right to want to restrain or put conditions on.

Ah, life. Uncertainty can be very sweet at times.

Wednesday, December 03, 2014

Talk without being in "their business." Kissing as the touch mode. Day twelve of sixty

Day Twelve

This is going to be talking back and forth.
This is the beginning of a whole new way of communicating.
You stay in your business.
They stay in their business.
You leave any comments, “help,” advice, criticism, interpretation out of the puzzle.
You are going to listen with no plan of responding. They are going to talk about anything but you and anything but the relationship.
You are going to listen.
You are going to talk about anything but
The relationship
What they just talked about.

Three minutes each, back and forth. No feedback. No reflective listening.
Just listening.
JUST listening.
Listening is so rare, and this is listening that isn’t cuing up for our smart advice, or retort, or additional thing to say.
Simply, deeply, fully listen.

This is good.
Back and forth.
Three times.

Eighteen minutes.

You can get in the fun of “not being in the other person’s business.”
You talk of your day, your goals, your childhood, your experiences in the present.
They do the same.
You leave each other alone.

Twelve minutes left.
Two turns of 2 minutes each, kissing the other anywhere but the mouth.
Two turns of 3 minutes each, kissing the other anywhere but the mouth that they request.

Two turns of 1 minute each sharing how it was and the difference.

Tuesday, December 02, 2014

Waking Up, Being Present, Violence & Aggression


(There were a few folks, who in an Authentic Relationship Game night, when the game was making requests that were granted or not, asked for and got slapped. I already stirred up a storm posting elsewhere about the mirror neuron side of slapping in public, we are wired to identify either with the aggressor or the victim.... This takes the interaction to the level of ...
waking up as the main job on Earth
looking at a deeper level of what we are asking for when we ask for something "edgy")

Paula Poundstone says it’s possible to have jokes without aggression, it’s just that t
hey aren’t funny.

Aggression is a vital aspect of creativity ( destroy that blank page, that white canvas, that old idea), and sex, and teasing. But in all those, aggression is blended with more. Much more.

Violence has some problems on this planet earth, and yes yes people do pay good money to watch boxing matches, and football contests, and support the troops doing god knows what, and pay the filmmakers to watch pretend death slaughter and mayhem.

Violence vs aggression. This is a distinction worth studying deeply.

And, this is where this note is going to get annoying.

I going to posit BEING PRESENT as something real to do in all our presents. Which includes now..

Ah, so easy to say. And as I type this, am I present to my fingers on the keyboard and the light in the room and the feeling of weight of my pelvis on the chair and feet on the floor? Am I aware of the breathing going in and out and the sounds of traffic outside?

Having switched my attention to being present, I’m a yes to all that, and to be honest, when I typed about Paula and all the smart hooey about violence vs aggression, I wasn’t present.

It’s hard to be present handwriting and even harder typing in to a computer.
And reading.

While reading…a book, the Chronicle, this epistle, the rest of facebook, what is being present to you? Is it too much trouble, and if not, what shifts when you become present now (and only this now, THIS NOW, will work) to gravity and light and sound and breathing and …..

Where do you like to wake up, when you wake yourself up to the present?

There is a reason most meditation retreats are non talking.

Writing and reading are very very hard to stay present

 in Talking and listening to talking , especially in a give and take conversation where we can’t wait to say our very, very important bit: hard to stay present.

Just saying, for those who raise their hands to be present.
Once we open our mouths it gets hard.

And in these two areas it might be hardest of all: talking/ writing/ reading about sex or violence.

And here we go....
1. You have traces of annoyance in your history with them, and it’s a way to get it out?
2. You had parents who whacked you, and it’s a chance to go the other way.
3. They seem needy for punishment and you want to oblige them
4. It’s the “cool/ edgy” thing to do, and you want to be part of it
5. You have erotic impulses and some strong skin contact will get some of that message across?
6. You name it
7. You find it
8. Still present?????

Someone asked me to slap them.
I said no.
I will not reveal my speculations as to why they asked for it, but I’ll say that I don’t want to hit people. I have impulses that I’d rather not follow out. I don’t think it’s good for the room. I think it’s extremely poor information for the person who gets slapped. ( My opinion. I was spanked. I spanked a bit my kids and got disgusted with myself and stopped. If we are present and watching someone get hit, there are things to see.)

Even if people “like” being slapped/ hit/ stomped , there are things to see that staying very present might help us see.

Ah, I won’t go there except to say: many people’s idea of their body, is not the flesh and bones and structure and joy of movement but only their collection of pains and tensions. Much “stretching,” over exercises, over yoga and so on is that until there is pain, people don’t think they are real.

Still present?)

Being edgy may be one.
And getting a certain kind of attention parents often give is another.
Diverted sexuality might be one.
And there are many more.
I’d avoid the answers that come quickest to mind. But that’s just me.

Still present?

But here’s the third question:


I won’t go into what that is, but this is what mindfulness is for….to Pause between impulse and action, and discover if perhaps the mindless mode is, as most mindless modes are, a straight line back to unconscious programming.
And why someone would say yes to a request to slapping me might tell me a lot about their unconscious programming.

Still present?

Happy Easter. Happy solstice. Happy dying of the light.
And resurrection.

Monday, December 01, 2014

Waking Up in Relationships

day eleven

This may be your actually day eleven. Or it may be the first day of your second month, and you’ll once again do ten days in three cycles.
Whatever it is, the PART A, mini version, is only going to be given at the end of the talk and the touch section. And it won’t be called Part A, but the minimum daily dosage.
It’s time to settle in and admit how important this relationship is to us. Even if it’s going to come to a shifting apart at the end of six months ( that’s the minimum to really work something through with someone you love.)
We’re going to have longer practices this ten days, and the touching is going to involve kissing and making out. We’re working our way up to the sexual parts, or the genitalia at least, and kissing is far, far underrated as an erotic past time.
I’d say we all should be making out at least fifteen minutes a day. Tongues and touch. Skin.
Oh, wait, we have a talking part, and the make out won’t come today, but soon, soon. ( In the book. No law/ rule/ commandment or even recommendation that you don’t start making out before the book suggests. Even now: fling down the book and make out for awhile. See if you die.

Okay. Here’s a five part game we are going to play many, many times.
I’m indebted to the Authentic Games community for this game, and it’s good for business, love and even ( EVEN!) creating an amazingly quick and deep connection with a stranger or new person in your life.

It goes like this:
There are two partners, A and B. ( Alternate days you are A and you are B. Though both get the full turn, A will start the talking always)
A: Talks for 3 minutes.
B: Reflects back, as closely as possible, the exact words they heard A say. No interpretations. No inferences. That’s later. 2 minutes
A: Give additional insight. Where B got it a little wrong. Where B forgot something that was important. Where A realizes they needed to put more emphasis. Where A realizes that the real theme of the sharing was slightly different than they’d thought the first time around. 1 minutes.
B: Tells A, either/ or:
What they “got” about A as a person from both of their shares.
What was the strongest emotional resonance in their sharing. What was the juiciest part of what they where sharing.
2 minutes. Go slowly. Really hone in to what you feel, FEEL, and think and intuit that A is like.
A: Share gratitude for being heard and listened to and “got” by B. Any places that B “got” you that didn’t really connect with who you feel you are, share that there needs to be more learning between to two of you. Not criticism. Just the reality. We’ve all got a long way to go to learn what another person is like.
1 minutes.
Pause. Breathe. Hug or hold hands. Be grateful for this. 1 minute.
So we’ve got
3 minutes A’s initial share
2 minutes: B reflecting back the words
1 minutes: A fine tuning their share
2 minutes: what B “gets” about A
1 minute: A’s gratitude and hints as to areas of future discovery.’
1 minute: hug, touch, pause, Breathe, integrate.
Total : 10 minutes.
I’d prefer a longer version. Which I’ll give on day 20 for the repeating practice. A version that will take 13 minutes each way. But for now, I want to keep within the half hour limit, which will mean ten minutes ( minimum) touch each day.
So, ten minutes each way.
I haven’t given the topic today.
“What you want the relationship to be.”
“What you want the relationship to be.”
Be uncertain, be vulnerable, be outrageous, be tentative, be certain. Share where you are today. We may well do this topic every other day.

The minimum daily dose, and you’ll have to try the full version above to experience how paltry this is in comparison:
2 minutes sharing: What you want the relationship to be. 1 minute feeding back what the listener “got” about you.

We have ten minutes left over.
We have lips.
That like to kiss.
In four minute batches, please have a recipient, in any position they chose, and a giver/ kisser.
The kisser/ giver kisses the recipient in as many places as their intuition calls for. Except the lips.
That’s tomorrow.
The recipient can make requests.
Or just soak it in.
Four minute each way.
Then One minute each sharing how give was for you and how getting.

Minimum daily dose.
Two minutes of kissing as per above. Each person goes each way.
One minute sharing how getting and giving was.