Thursday, September 18, 2008

undoing relationship, keeping love, happiness, learning and awareness

for some reason,
can't publish over at


here it is:

So life can be
and life can be hell

when people undo a relationship,
they make it hell for themselves and their partner:

they blame
get angry
try to enlist others to "take their side"
feel frustrated
sling mud
drag up the "worst" about the other
rehash "the list" of all past sins
focus on what's "wrong" with the other
blame the other, the parents, other people
try for revenge
fight over the kids, the property, the story about who did what to "ruin" things
much more

You know that
I know that
you've done it, or seen it

my several times

and then
there is my friend
and maybe yours:
the Work of Byron Katie

Like this,
find the unhappiness
realize you are unhappy,
find the thought behind, beneath, bound up in
the unhappiness
write it down

like this:

Judge your neighbor (or Reality)
Write it down
Ask 4 questions
Turn it around

let's today take a common one:

"The relationship is a failure because it's ending"

There it is
a great story, thought to suffer from.

And Marlie and I are dissolving,
that's the reality that this
thought wants to fight.

So let's do the four questions and the turn around:

Q 1: Is it true
"The relationship is a failure because it's ending" ?

Well, common wisdom would say yes,
but we aren't look for common wisdom,
we are looking for truth.

Other people might say yes,
but again,
this is about my truth.

And is it true,
deep down that
"The relationship is a failure because it's ending" ?

And the answer is no?

First because as Marlie takes the main impetus,
and I love her for wanting what she wants,
I show me and her
what love really is.

Second, as Marlie strikes out on her own,
without the usual meanness and blaming,
she shows herself and others how to end something
without the usual cruelties.

Third, I have a vision of creating
with a partner a land based center/ village even
devoted to
being present
almost raw eating
yoga mixed with Feldenkrais
huge amounts of silence
organic growing and being

this is not Marlie's vision.
She and I are both being honest
and kind to explore what life would be,
even if it means leaving behind a huge amount
of love and fun and common interests
and just
good old fashioned affection.

Q 2: Can I absolutely know that it is true
"The relationship is a failure because it's ending" ?

In the Big Picture,
not being God,
I have no real stance as to what is best for Marlie
or for me.
If this is what she wants
and this is where I'm pointed,
this that seems more true.

Q 3: How do I react and how do I live
when I attach to/ believe the
myth/ story/ thought/ concept
"The relationship is a failure because it's ending" ?

I feel bad
like a bad little boy
like giving up
out of touch with now
out of touch with joy
out of touch with love
a mess

not breathing
not being useful to myself or others

Q4: Who or what would I be
without the story/ thought/ belief
"The relationship is a failure because it's ending" ?

I'd be free.

I could come back to love.

Grateful for now.
Grateful for the fun and not fun
and learning and everything we've had
over eight years.
Honored to have been in this life.
In love with Marlie and myself.

And what's the turn around to
"The relationship is a failure because it's ending" ?

The relationship,
ending in awareness and love,
is a huge success.

ah, my.

Down into the poop
and back up again,
the good old Work of Byron Katie.

It's work
and if I work,
I'm back to my real self:

in love with Marlie just as she is

that's a nice self
to be in,
I feel

1 comment:

Gloria Ives said...

Not easy.
In Fact Hard,
When Dreams don't intersect
but looking it in the eye
and seeing it for what it is
not what our emotional center would tell us
is indeed freeing
And Calling it "the Work"
Is Apt
Because it is indeed work
And I think it actually makes it easier
When you look at it as work
A problem to solve
And Answer to find
Rather than
A puddle of Mud to Wallow inWhere you just keep getting dirtier
and dirtier
And if your are luicky enough
to leave
The pile of stinkin mud
It just dries on you clothes
And takes effort to wear away

Bu Problems to solve
Like Math
are cleaner
lead can be erased
over and over again
And like my daughter's math class
She can keep handing it in till it's right
Just keep rephrasing it, until she understands it.

Thank you for showing this example.

the music on my site can be found at It's a widget, and it's free.