Argue No More -- Three Delightful Steps back to Love

Week Two, Day One:  LOVE

Concept #8 : WE DON’T NEED TO ARGUE—

Say Five Times as Many “Good” Things…

 A Three Step Alternative

We love to argue, because we have conditioned minds. What do conditioned minds want most of all?

To be right.

And they are stupid.

So if we feel bad, or shift into reactivity and start feeling bad, our stupid conditioned minds have a stupid conditioned program called: YOUR FAULT.

This always seems true.

This always fucks up our life.

And makes it less fun.

And can lead to feeling like we’re miserable.

And we so-called “KNOW” (ha! An opinion masking as a “fact”) why we are miserable.

Because we believe a ridiculous thought, which is: You are at the cause of my feeling bad.

Which always seems true.

And which is always a lie.

And always makes us weak, because it’s firmly saddled in the victim mode that says: YOU are the cause of my feelings.

Here’s the sad and wonderful truth: we are always always, we are the cause of our feelings.

WE ARE ALWAYS ALWAYS THE CAUSE OF HOW WE FEEL.

Later we’ll see that it’s almost entirely our THOUGHTS about whatever the other person did that are “causing” our bad feelings.

And enough theory. It’s up to you to discover how you make yourself unhappy, and then to stop that.

You may be pleasantly delighted to discover that once you stop making yourself unhappy, you are automatically happy. 

ONCE YOU STOP MAKING YOURSELF UNHAPPY, YOU ARE OFTEN AUTOMATICALLY HAPPY)

(There is more to it, because out of of bodies and in our heads it’s very hard to live a fun and full and creative life…. And for now. Let’s kick the arguing habit into a corner, and have this wonderful three step process to be more alive, and connected and loving.)

LOVE GAME #5: Write two lists of appreciation: for yourself and for “the other”

Five things you love or like or appreciate about yourself.

Five things you love or like or appreciate about the other.

Love Game #6: Write two short lists: ONE thing each, to improve

One thing that you could do “a little better”. I know, I know, you are perfect. And…. there might just be ONE thing you could do a little inny weenie bit better.

One thing (ONE) that your partner/ friend/ child/ friend/ ???/ could do “a little better”.

This is a secret to good relationship. Five nice things to every one not so nice thing.

The brain likes to latch on to the negative. So, we need to start with five times as many nice things.

ABOUT OURSELVES, TOO.

We need to get in the habit of writing lists of what we love about ourselves.

Love Game #7: Discover the “we goal” behind the two wishes to improve.

For example:  I am too critical, sometimes.

The we goal: We are creating an environment of support and listening and patience and being present and grateful.

Or, another example: You should not withdraw when things go south.

The we goal: We are staying connected no matter what.

This can be any we goal that you want. It need only be something that you are sure that both of you agree and thrive by.

So, this is fun.

And this is a way to look at the half of the problem that is us.

This is a way to look at the “we goals” that are about the love and connection and fun and life richness that is what we really want.

Amen.