Learning as a game of variation, Why Not?

From my Special Needs Children Blog

And lots of fun ideas for any parent, any relationship, any life.

Waking up is fun, if we let it be.

Yes!!!


........
We can change our lives. And the Chinese said it a long , long time ago: the journey of a thousand miles starts with one step.

With your child, what little variation can you create on something they already like and enjoy doing?

How can you, today and every day, make learning and play a big part of your interaction?

And remember:
Learning is not the memorization of facts, how far the Earth is from the Sun, say, though kids are often gaga about facts.

Learning is what?

Learning is the perception of a difference that makes a difference. That we didn't know about before the learning took place.

It's crazy fun how many possibilities:
A kid sucks their thumb.
Great, How about sucking the first, second, ring and little finger, one at a time?
And the fingers on the other hand.

A child is whining.
Great.
Can you whine in a higher pitch, a lower pitch, a staccato pattern?

Time of bedtime story.
Great.
Rest at the end of several sentences,
or a page,
and let's make up a little different story.

Or let's look at the pictures upside down.

Food:
How many ways are there to hold a spoon?

Can a piece of lettuce be a spoon?

How many things can be a spoon?

You get the idea:
Learning and play and imagination and getting out of the box, of how we thought about things before: this is a daily game.

You can play with your child.

You can play with your habits.

How many different ways can you sit, and shape your back and neck and ideas and breathe as you read this?

Can you write about this after,
with one hand and then another.

Can you draw a picture that you wouldn't normally "waste" time doing as the post reading "game?"

What is it you'd like to learn, and how many new and delightful ways could you go about that?
email me, if you want, with ideas and results.
chriselms@vom.com

Cheers,
Chris

Autism and Love, from the perspective of healing the autistic child

I blogged about this the other day
from a slightly different angle,
of how we can learn to love our partners better by
either
going for rapport when they are having a bad time
or
amping up the play and adventure when they are in a good mood

With Autistic children ( or adults) it's almost the same, and 
called the ABC method in the Son Rise philosophy ( See AutismRewired.com)

A,  Assess

B, Bond

C. Challenge


A. Asses
means to pay attention:
Are they going away?
or 
Are they moving toward us and others?

Moving Away has various behaviors:
stimming
no eye contact
non responsive
rigid behavior
rejecting/ moving away from touch or being looked at

Moving Toward can be
Looking at me
Responding
Smiling
Flexible behavior
Affectionate
Responsive to Touch
Playful in interpersonal way



Then the realization is that
when they are Moving Away, when you Assess that:

go for Bonding

as we've emphasized over and over,
with the Anat Baniel Method,
correcting/ fixing behavior is a recipe for disaster:
you are putting energy into what you want to change
and hence making it stronger

in autism,
with the
Anat Baniel Method, we create variations in any and all behavior
in
the Son Rise method, the idea of JOINING
is key
we replicate,
not in a mocking way,
but to really get inside their world,
whatever they are doing

so that they feel:
whatever they are doing is accepted
and even
whatever they are doing is cool enough for us to want to do
and so
they feel liked and appreciated by us
or at least
accepted

and
they aren't alone

they don't have to join the cult of the normal
to be loved and accepted

this helps break through the main slavery of autism:
the disconnect from others


And if our A, if our Assess of the child (anyone)
is to notice their willingness to
come toward us,
the we can do the C,
the challenge

which is another way of saying a variation that
ups the ante a bit
on what they are willing to try
in the world of interaction

and we make it fun
teaching them that play
is what good interpersonal interaction is like
or
we make it loving
which shows them that side of interaction,
but always opening up their range of behaviors and possibilities just a little bit at a time

Assess: See where they are at

From that we know whether they need us to
b
Bond

or to
c
Challenge

always with a light hand, light touch, staying not too far ahead of them,
like when your mate asks you to go out to tango lessons
and you just want to chill in front of the TV and cuddle
and you rise to the challenge,
and the dancing bring your relationship to a whole new level

(and, if it's really a horrible day, your mate needs to bond,
and learn about your day, and not let you zone out on TV,

again
we are back to autism and love:

you mate can assess you:
if you are tired and still interactive:
a little rest and backrub and then go tango, the challenge

if you are tired and down,
then some rest, and a chance to spill the beans on what's bothering you

and who knows, being heard out, then you might feel open
to going to tango after all

same with the child:

after boding,
they may come out of their withdrawal,
and want to interact and play
and you can go into the challenge and play mode


a lot of mindfulness called for
in parenting
and
in partnering

this is good

without mindfulness
life is on automatic

and life is too precious for that

Autism and Love

Let's say your brain was such that life seemed overwhelming and

you

just

didn't want

to

interact with anyone outside of yourself.

They call it autistic, but, you just want to be alone.

Things are more interesting than people, much of the time

and "stimming" a repeated over and over movement

is the only way to shut out the overstimulating

and

get a sense of control in a world

where you seemed to have none.

And then, you have a parent, or other person, and then:

they leave you alone, that's okay

or

they try to fix you and change you or stop your stemming

and that doesn't make sense

or

they sit down with you, and join in, as if what you are doing makes

sense

to them.

This feels good.

You feel like maybe they are alright. You feel like maybe they understand you and that you are alright. 

Maybe this being alive thing isn't so bad, after all.

Maybe they are worth noticing or smiling at or at least sneaking a look at.

And then, sometimes you have a "good day," where you are

interested in these other people

you like them

and smile

and look at them

and they get happy about that,

and ask for more,

in gentle and fun ways,

that make you feel like joining them even more.

Then life isn't so bad:

if you want to be alone, they "join" you, but don't punish, or try to fix or ignore you

and if you want to come out, they get excited and help it be even nicer for you

It seems you win, no matter what.

Now,

let's do an adult version, but from the point of view not of the person

who is either

"having a bad day"

or

"having a good day"

but from the point of view of a person who wants to be

a good mate

a good lover

a better friend

to their partner ( or normal child, or friend).

So, your partner is having a bad day,

they don't "stim," they don't sit on the floor and rock

for hours,

but they clearly aren't feeling good.

As a friend we have the same three choices:

ignore them ( sometimes adult mates just do need "space")

or try to fix them

as in

cheer up. or

tell me your problem and I'll give a solution

or scold them: you always get in this mood

or

demand: when are you going to shape up

(this is very common, really, in most grumbling marriages)

Or, as their lover or friend,

you can either leave them alone, as suggested first,

or do the adult equivalent of "joining"

you can ask them what's going on

or can be sympathetic to why they are feeling as they are feeling

you can encourage them to really talk it through

you can hug and hold and rock them, and demand no quick fix

you can stroke them

you can sit quietly in their company

letting them know you're ready to be with them, when they are ready

and then,

or other days,

their 'good mood' days,

you make sure to join that

to celebrate,

to play, to tease, to dance,

to ask for something you're both a little lazy to

get to,

like going out dancing

or to a party,

you help them get even happier in their happiness

(you don't neglect, again, fairly common. as in, "I'm so busy, they're in a good mood, no need to put any attention and energy their way.")

This is a big topic, and I hope this is a start to get us all thinking on

how to love our partners better

and

how to serve our autistic children better.

The keys is mindfulness,

being awake to what we are feeling,

being awake in the moment to what the child is feeling,

and then being a bit brave,

not fixing,

but connecting,

not ignoring and taking for granted,

but connecting.

That's what we all want, love and connection.

I'm in Austin. I work with families and children.

I can talk to you if you want to talk.

Chris Elms at 360-317-4773