Pain vs Suffering

From the forthcoming book: Love, Lust and Enlightenment:

Pain vs Suffering

 If someone dies, you are going to feel a physical pang, a real pain in your chest and your life. This is part of life. This is built in.

We had a person. They are gone. That emptiness is real and we can feel it. AS SENSATION.

Loving that sensation, loving that we are alive to feel that sensation, missing that person AS SENSATION is the breaking open of the heart that makes us bigger and better and more loving than ever.

And then there is the suffering: words in our head, aka “thinking,” and in reality, auditory hallucination, the words saying we needed to do this more, needed to do that more, they shouldn’t have died, this isn’t the right time, it’s not fair, the end wasn’t as good as it should have been, regrets about how thing should have been different.

And in a relationship, say something goes wrong, and someone gives you some grief.

Say yesterday your love gave you a hard time, and that’s that.

They said something a bit mean, and being human, it might have been one remark of five seconds out of six hours together. And you can feel bad.

Again, as SENSATION, you gave feel the pain of not connection.

We are designed to be close and to love and when that doesn’t happen there is real pain.

Feeling that, AS SENSATION, not only honors your real grief that connection and love were missed, but honors the present of your sensations right now.

Suffering on the other hand is all the words on how they should have been different, how they “always” are this, how they “never” are that.

As we have examined before: our choice of making ourselves unhappy by arguing with what is.

Notice the deal;

AS SENSATION, something real and present is happening in us.

As words in our head/ thinking/ auditory hallucination we are creating suffering for ourselves.

And let’s take real pain.

Physical pain, which is a pain.

Let’s take a headache.

AS SENSATION, we can feel the exact shape of the pain, is it round, oblong, how big. It’s usually grape size, but no matter how much, it isn’t infinite, which is how we often imagine it when we don’t go for the sensation in reality.

And in reality, the headache is only so big and we can sense were the pain eases off, and then the whole rest of our body and notice how much bigger than the headache is our whole body.

As we can notice that the awareness that can notice this is who we really are.

And, if we want to suffer?

Have a bunch of words in our head about:  it should go away, I should have done this different so this won’t happen, poor me, I have to take this and this and this to get rid of this, life sucks until this pain goes away, when is it going to go away.

And so on.

Reality, as sensation.

Suffering as words in our head arguing with reality.

A huge and super crucial choice we all have at any moment when pain does what pain is supposed to do: wake us up.

So, with your mate

Talk:

As yesterday.

Sit near. Look in the eye. Breathe together. Have two chairs each.

Have the suffering chair. Sit there and complain in gibberish about how something should have been different yesterday or in some past.

Move to the reality chair. Be vulnerable. Talk of the closeness and connection you are missing and what you’d like to do as a couple to remedy this.

The other partner listen and feedback as you’ve learned throughout this book.

Go back and forth several times.

As always. Pause and take 3-10 breaths together between rounds, and when things shift.

Touch:

Explore the other person’s arm, in reality two ways:

One with no moment to moment comments about your now.

Two : with moment to moment comments about your now.

Take turns.

Share how it was.

Cheating Unhappiness 1---- Shift Happens, if you do

Let's say you are unhappy.
It happens to us all.

The way out is to shift.

Left to right.
Shift to the left foot or the left side of your pelvis
and then
Shift to the right foot, or right side of your pelvis.



When you shift to the left, really get "into" all the words.
Unhappiness is always a big stack of complaining words in our head.
Shift left, and let them rip (inside yourself)
Admit you are dying for someone to listen to your complaint at agree with it.

Mainly though, shift left and indulge in all the thinking behind your unhappiness....


Now shift to the right.
COME TO YOUR SENSES.

Not the usual affirmations.
Not "letting it go," except when you are in your senses, you aren't in your words, so it gets let go of itself.

COME TO YOUR SENSES:
Sense your legs, your feet, your toes.
Or
sense your fingers and hands and arms.
Your spine, ribs, neck, head.

Your breathing.

COME TO YOUR SENSES:

Look at the world with your eyes.
Listen with your ears.
Smell with your nose.
Touch with your fingers.
Feel the clothes against your body.


Now compare the two:

Go back to the left and start up all the inner yammer and see your unhappiness come scampering back.

Shift to the right and sense the world, sense your body, perceive the world as here and now information--- no words of comment about what you sense. JusT;
COME TO YOUR SENSES.

Go back and forth as many times as you'd like.

(This might have something to do with the left and right sides of the brain, and it has something to with something in "the energy" where we write the troubled version the left side of the page and the freedom version on the right. But the movement is what counts.)
Shift the weight, shift your attention.

Shift happens, and if you guide it, make you can start to set yourself free.

Day 25: Asking the story: are you absolutely true?

the story---- the story----the story
ah
watch, watch,
learn once
learn twice
learn forever and ever...
ah
this happens to us in our ruining our birthright of
happiness....
ah
all unhappiness has a
"story"
a game plan of mental
"reasons"
why you have a "right"
to feel bad

watch
live in the moment

and when unhappiness steals
you away
from the easy always just now NOW
ask,
ask two questions of the story:

#1: Is it true?
#2: Can I absolutely know that it's true?

Do that all day,
on and off, off and on,
and
only when you are unhappy

Good

Happiness is a sweet guide, and not necessary

 PIglets in tiger skins

nursing a tiger....

i wrote a blog about it ages ago,

i don't know why

and the piglets are happy,

the tiger is happy

and there is more to life than happy nursing

(or is there?)

Happiness is given If the food is coming
and the hugs
and we have something to do with our time--- learn, create, work,
serve, talk, sing, dance,
build, rest, walk, jump, skip,
read, garden, swim, even computer schlock--
something to do
we are absorbed in
and feeling fully alive

happiness is who we are

Good

and then:
we are unhappy

and that's great
because it's a message

and the message isn't what we
are programmed to think:

that it's a "bad day"
or that we are "Wrong"
or that "Something should change"
(Though something could, could, and that
change is.....)

the usual is:
unhappiness means something out there
isn't "working"

and what it really means is
something in here
isn't loving
and relating to
and enjoying
and moving along
or accepting

or accepting and moving along
patiently

whatever is out there


I could explain this more clearly
and I won't

mull it through
if you are willing to read something twice

and then maybe get a pencil
or pen
and make your little poem
about happiness
and the
wonderful signal that
when we are "unhappy"
 we are
"off the mark"
(old fashioned/ smart definition of "sin")

and,
and,
and,
is that saying unhappiness is a "sin"?

No, it's a reminder
a wake up
a gift to tell
us ....
you're missing the point
you're off the mark

slow down
what are you forgetting to love?

retreat
and do "it" a different way

Sin. ah sin, I find sin is too messy
and idea
too good and bad ish,
 for people
who want to live a real life,
usually

but "off the mark"
yes,
unhappiness is saying

we aren't present
to the
kingdom of heaven

which is
now

or never



love ciao and now,
Chris

Being in Action: Chapter 14 from the Book: Happy vs Unhappy

Happiness and unhappiness.

This book is about moving toward and living in a state of “Almost Enlightenment” we could call the Tao of Now. Living there for our own bliss, yes, and also to increase our effectiveness in being useful to ourselves, others and the Earth.

Enlightenment plus acting in the world. Acting in the world to increase enlightenment. Being in our being to improve our action.

When we discover ourselves, present moment by present moment, we get our lives and our freedom back. Writing can help us focus our self-witnessing. So let’s start this game today: writing about times we are happy vs. times we are unhappy.

Especially useful is to begin to find times we are unhappy that we “blame” on other people. “If so and so would just respect/ like/ listen to/ love me more/ be nice to me more, THEN I could be happy.”

Writing down is slowing down and can really help wake us up to how we give away to others the power to make us unhappy.

Much “aha” can come from noticing when we fall into the “sleep” of “carping” about others, of “blaming” them for our unhappiness.

This can be a beginning to enlightenment: seeing how often we fall for the sad old, same old story – “If only so and so would shape up, then I could be happy.” (Which means: as long as so and so stays the same/ unshaped up, I have an excuse to be unhappy).

(Which means “so and so” is in charge of my happiness/ unhappiness, a weak place for action; a failed spot for enlightenment)

Noticing this giving away of power can be bracing or amusing or dreadful or a relief. Whatever it is, our waking is on the way.

For, whose job is our happiness?

Whose life is it, eh?

Which moment is not a grand one in which to wake up?


Write two lists. Times you are happy. And times you aren’t, with special emphasis on sentences, short sentences, like: “When so and so does such and such, I feel unhappy.”

Try to have a rough balance between happy and unhappy sentences.


Don’t use this as an excuse to feel bad. Instead “get into” the difference between when we feel “unhappy” and when we feel “happy.”

Notice the big differences, and then more and more differentiation: inner voice tone, breathing, sensation patterns, where we put attention (unhappy usually doesn’t
leave room to look out at, or listen out to, the world), how we structure our posture, and so on.

REAL INTELLIGENCE IS NOTICING DIFFERENCES THAT MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

Experience deeply your emotional power, your ability to set up your own happiness and unhappiness.

Keep connecting to the results of where you put your attention: this is me happy, this is me unhappy.

Real intelligence is increased skill in noticing differences. Increase your intelligence.

Enlightenment is to be present with whatever is. Increase your enlightenment.

Good.

See Links at top of the page for buying the book.
Four prices, same book: $13, $27, $54, $108
108 meditations/ games/ learnings.
What is the value to you?
What is your value to yourself.

Good