Our Vows

Carol and I met on March 24, 2015.

We struck up a friendship based on her love of learning and my ability in the Feldenkrais Method ® and Anat Baniel Method, to take advantage of brain plasticity to assist people who want to move with more ease, grace and coordination. And eliminate back, neck and shoulder pain.

And then on June 20, anniversary coming up tomorrow, we spent an hour and a half lunch meeting than turned into twelve hour "non-date" where we listened and listened and listened to each other.

We shared Bible verses we loved.

We watch Brene Brown's TED talk on vulnerability twice.

We kissed a bit.

We realized we'd found our life partner.

Soon came a proposal: life partner is LIFE.

Then a marriage, that took a LOT of planning.

And had the goal of being transformative.

And was.


And part of that marriage was our vows, which we now say to each other almost daily as we lean against a wall and do "being present/ energy/ happiness" exercises.

We take turns saying the first eight. From memory.

Not necessarily in order, but we know when we've done eight.

Then, number nine, the super vow, we say together.

Almost every day.

And it's coming true.

And what is vow #9?

#9: WE ARE JOYFULLY CREATING A
LONG, &
HAPPY &
HEALTHY &
ENLIGHTENED

LOVE,
FRIENDSHIP, &
MARRIAGE

THAT IS GETTING BETTER AND BETTER AND BETTER
EVERY DAY.

We say that after we've remembered and usually improvised a bit on these eight.

#1: We are supporting each other in the pursuit of the Divine Life Energy, which we experience as
Ease,
Humor &
Peacefulness

#2: We are cherishing our life together and treating each other as PRECIOUS GIFTS.

#3: We are delighting in the WONDER OF LIFE, and constantly sharing our GRATITUDE with each other and the world.

#4: We commit to slowly down when we get unhappy, to taking a deep breath and coming back to the present and to God, and asking ourselves: do I want to be right, or do I want to live in
EASE,
GRACE &
LOVE.

#5: We are PRESENT, VULNERABLE & PRESENT in our words and behavior.

#6. We connect to NATURE for daily nourishment. (Outside nature. In our bodies nature.)

#7: We know that LOVE is at the center of all life.

#8: We are fully committed to SUPPORTING each other reaching our HIGHEST POTENTIALITY and MAKING A DIFFERENCE in HEALING THE EARTH & HUMANITY.

#9. We are JOYFULLY
creating a
LONG, &
HAPPY, &
HEALTHY &
ENLIGHTENED

LOVE, FRIENDSHIP & MARRIAGE

that is getting
Better and
Better and
Better
EVERY DAY.

They are all about love, or presence or service or what to do when we fall astray.
They are great.

You are great.

If you want to create a love, friendship and marriage that is getting better and better and better, text me at 360-317-4773 for a free 40 minute sample session.

Coaching is a six month process.
It is ONLY FOR THOSE WANTING DEEP AND AMAZING TRANSFORMATION.

Cheers
Chris

A gratitude and touching and liking game for Thanksgiving

Something to do with someone you like. You love. You are hanging out with. You barely know.

Sit near to them.
Look each other in the eyes.

Say this. For three minutes, with a timer.
Go through these five statements, over and over.

"I notice this about me...

“I notice this about you…

“This is what I'm grateful  about life..

“I like this about me…

“ I appreciate this about you…”

 Repeat this for three minutes

“I notice this about me...“

“I notice this about you…

“This is what I'm grateful for about life..

“I like this about me…

“ I like appreciate about you…”

After the three minutes. Pause. Look at each other. Enjoy this.

Then the listener shares back, as long as it takes, what they heard and what they "got" about the other person from this sharing/

Then going the other way: tell it back the other way around. 

First noticing yourself, as a person in the moment. 

Notice the other in the moment.

Like... life

Like .. yourself

Like.. the other

Liking and gratitude and love and appreciation, all swirling around in the Thanksgiving of this amazing gift called life.

In the present of the present,
and liking
and love
and gratitude
and appreciation

TOUCH

For three minutes: massage the other person’s foot. Paying attention to :

What you like about it.

What it feels like to your fingers.

What specific parts of them you are touching.

What you imagine they are liking about it.

For two four one massages the other's foot, and then switch it the other way.

Then one minute feedback each, How it was giving? How it was getting?

REPEAT,
Either the massage, or the liking life, self and the other.

AS many times as you wish.

It's your life.

Connection feels good.

Have you noticed?

be present, even in grief, it's the doorway to God

WAKING UP

If I’m present I’m really alive.

It’s not the only game in town, and (AND) it’s necessary to at least two of the other great games of this overall game called “being alive.”

--happiness

-- love

Another essay could be written ( and has been, search through the blog) on the impossibility of happiness and love without being present. Discover this for yourself, or transmit any time of un-happiness or un-love to a time to happiness or love by becoming present.)

And there’s one game that can be played from not being present, and often is, and it’s a big and fun game in life. It’s this one:

--making money.

Lots of people have discovered that it’s a lot more fun and lot easier and lot happier ( and….full of love) game if played from being present. And it appears that a messy version can be played, and even played well from what I’d call, copying Gurdjieff and many others, a state of “sleep.”

And then the last great game…

--Service. Helping others. Making a difference.

Ah, me oh my. You can be of service and be asleep, and it can work, but it’s a perilous situation. If surrounded by peaceful and almost saintlike people, who are also good at self care, you / one can get away with being asleep.

And, on the other hand, burn out, and grumpiness and feeling ripped off, can be so prevalent. There is a great passage in Brothers Karamozov, where a gal admits that she has a hard time give to the poor because they aren’t sufficiently grateful.

Lots of prayer and quiet time, which is often close to being present, can help people get away with being of service without a practice of being present, but usually, the people you are serving will suck you dry, since there is really no you there to be around them, just your good deeds.

And that’s that.

There is one more great reason to be present and it’s almost as if it’s your way to salute the universe for the wonder of being alive. Which is kind of like happiness, but on a quieter and more reverent sort.

And being alive is the gift and the glory.

And here we shift to the second half of this discussion, a “harder” part, and it is about his: how to be present when someone we love dies.

They are gone.

No longer in our lives.

We are still alive.

They aren’t.

This can hurt.

This can wound so deeply our whole lives are turned inside out.

Rumi’s endless poems of love, which he didn’t write, but shouted out while whirling and his disciples wrote down, came from his grief at this beloved mentor and enlightenment friend, Shams, being gone. The suspicion is the jealous disciples and even some of his own children murdered Shams.

And in that grief, plunged to the depths, he found a love and poetry that has nourished our souls throughout the ages.

And if we aren’t Rumi ( yet!), what to do?

Be present.

To reality.

Reality is what we see right now. What we hear right now. What we are sensing in our bodies.

In our bodies the grief may be surging in great ferocity, and we can always meet that with awareness. What ever we are sensing, we can be aware of those sensations in the moment.

Moment by moment.

Breath by breath.

And this too, be can be aware, that we are alive, that we are aware, as we sense this sensation of grief inside us. Balancing that with awareness of gravity and light and breath and sound, as per yesterday’s blog on Ten Fingers, Ten Toes, Belly, Eyes, Ears and Nose, might make it “easier,” and no matter.

We are alive.

We are in love with these sensations, or we could be, as this is the way to honor our life exactly now.

And then, there can be suffering. Pain is one thing, suffering another.

The suffering is not real, but always sets of words, always of the sort that “This should be different,”  or “That should have been different.”

That is, we are demanding that Reality change to suit our wishes.

The elephant should be a card table. Impossible.

The rabbit should be a dog. Impossible.

This past event should never have happened. Impossible.

To fight reality brings suffering which is different than pain. Last weeks essay on the four questions and the turn around can always get us out of the suffering.

The pain remains as long as it remains.

And when we are present, we are riding the surf of reality, no matter how rugged.

Something is being ripped open, and in the stillness of not filling our minds with all the words that create suffering, and in the hot furnace of sensing the actual grief in the moment, something new can be born.

What it will be can’t be predicted.

The present can point to and wish for a certain future, but reality can play funny and beautiful and mystical games with us.

That’s it’s job.

Our job.

To be present and love what is.

This is either too many words, or not enough, and words are all a bit of a lie, and maybe they can point to the rose garden. Maybe we will walk there. Maybe the thorn will prick us deeply and we can be aware of our wound.

Maybe we can look at the sun reflecting in the drop of blood and see the meaning of our love and our lives.

Who knows?

If we are present, we’ll be there to find out as we discover.

Forgiveness, Friendship, Kinship, Family ---- Fun

This is just a start

Let's say you got divorced

You
"moved on"

You
"got closure"


Which means, usually, you left behind the other,
the problems, the connection

You might still
"be friends"

but it's not really a friendship, because all the stuff that bothered
you
still bothers you,
and you don't have to deal with it

so you are friends with benefits,
but not THAT way,
the way, of friends with the benefit of having judgment about

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU,
AND
IT'S SO GREAT NOT TO BE WITH YOU,
WHEW

And this goes both ways,
they think you kinda suck,
and are glad to be free

And there you go

This is pale friendship

And here's where forgiveness comes in
and I'm going to just start the conversation about forgiveness
because there are many layers

All the way from
forgiving someone for not returning a phone call
to
forgiving someone for murdering one's child

And there is an inner freedom,
always
in any forgiving

You are giving up
that clinching to the story
that reality
in some past moment
"should"
( the famous SHOULD)
have been different

And there are layers of how you can feel
about the other person's behavior

You can relax about certain types of "sins"
and actually be charmed by them in retrospect

Someone murdering your child
will never be charming
But you can let go of hatred
You can let go of anger
You can let go of wanting to punish

And you can
become the friend of the one you have given up
on holding the invisible hammer
in your hand,
always available to whack them upside the head
for their crime

And what does friendship mean?

And kinship?

And Family?

And can you have fun, with someone you divorced because they
were awful in their language toward you ,
or their behavior?

Well, if you've got children,
you not only can figure this out--
it behooves you to,

because then your children grow up
to be free
to see
that real alive and mindful
and
happy
adults

can take quarrels and judgments
and let them go
and see the best in each other
see it so well,
that they can set up a situation
so
Sally and Ben,
the new couple,

And Joe and Betty the other new couple
(it was Joe and Sally to start with)
can get together and enjoy each other
and all the merged kids can feel
loved
and can
have
fun


This isn't going to be easy.

And it's going to be worth it,
don't you think?

Much more on this in days and weeks to come
Cheers
Chris

Love and Sex before dinner: day 2

HOW TO TALK DURING THE 18 MINUTES OF TALKING, OR ONE WAY...

from the blog, http://LoveandSexBeforeDinner.blogspot.com

Some of us know
and honor

many of us know
and forget...

FRIENDSHIP TAKES TIME

it's like a garden
it has to be tended

maybe once a week can keep a friendship going
anything less is.....

a reassurance
a high grade acquaintance
a mutual memory nudge

who knows

and in a relationship
if you live together
each day
is a time to talk

each day

and the game we are setting up
is mutual tak
equal time time
talk that is about what love requires:

attention
listening

and even, a freedom an opening
to exploring saying
what we aren't sure we
are able to say

or aren't sure
we even had to say

love is exploring

in touch

and in
talk

and this blog needs to be short
and that's fine

it has some pointers to help you
if you want
in the game of talking for three minutes

here's my suggestion:
for the first couple of weeks,
don't talk about "problems"

talk about:
one:
your ideas
two:
what you are aware of in the present
( sensations,
my thigh on the chair, my fingers on the keyboard, my shirt against my neck, my breathing in and out.


impressions:
I see the screen and the words appearing
I see the wall behind the computer
I see out the window, peripherally to my right
I hear the air conditioner
I hear the cars going by

being present
seems kinda boring

don't sweat it
it's such a nice vacation from being smart
and worrying
and the whole effort of not being present

and three:
what you like in life
what you enjoy

With a partner two and three can double up:
I see your eyes and really enjoy them

I see your breathing and feel my breathing and remember how much I like you

ps,
and a BIG ps:
don't use the three minutes to rag on, complain about, or otherwise trash the other

what you like right

and no back handed compliments:

I really like those rare rare moments when you aren't a jerk
NO.

I enjoy your smile

and
then
all the other things you like:

share your presence
share your gratitude

and if there's thoughts and incidents you want to talk
about,
go for it

but these three are the basis:

what you are pondering as meaningful in your life right now
what you are aware of in the present
what you like about being alive

and you each have 3 3 minute turns in this world of being honest
and deep
with your partner

who,
it seems to me,
is likely to become a better and
better
and
better

friend

good

crap to compost to soil to roses

I have a friend, who is a therapist,
who took affront at me talking of his own
particular psychological issues as "crap"

As, in, yeah, yeah, take that crap to
your therapist and deal with it

He said I had a lot of anger in my tone

This may or may not have been true

I love therapy
and have studied and practiced many kinds,
as well as having been in a Gurdjieff group
that heavily used the work of Freud

so heavily that one of the other former members,
Hameed Ali, went on to combine psychology and spiritual work
to form the highly successful Diamond Way school

and,
so what....

the point is,
friendship was what mattered
and I didn't want to be good

I wanted to call that stuff crap

in the coaching sense:

it's all good and fine
and are you going to talk to one or two or ten people
today
about your work
or
what you love
or
what is intriguing about them

which is to say...

friendship
and/ or a good coaching relationship
isn't built on not having any rough edges

it's not built on staying safe
and refusing to ruffle each other's feathers
( mine were briefly ruffled when he told me of
my latent hostility....

and then,
hey yeah,
I do have some latent hostility,
let's have some fun making it more overt

so the next ten minutes were crap this and crap
that.)


This may or may not make sense....

the point is...

friends
and coaching:

it's about having fun
being honest
egging each other on to
the life they really want

being honest with our own crap
being playful and accepting of their crap

having a hell of a good time
not knowing especially what we are doing
but good naturedly moving things along:

either in play
in love
in getting things done

in opening each other up
in exploring new and more authentic ways of relating


which is to say:

this is good news

your lover doesn't have to be just like you
your friend doesn't have to see eye to eye
your coach or coaching client can rub you the wrong way

welcome to planet earth

a bunch of imperfect numbskulls
moving forward in the three areas that really count:

love,
mindfulness
and happiness

( and happiness can often mean making
more money


good)

making out with life

you are walking down the street
lost in your thoughts,
next to a fence,
and
suddenly

on the other side of the fence,
a dog, a big dog, barks loud

god backwards
has let loose a wild loud sound
and your body shivers awake,
your eyes open wide,
your blood courses,
you see the fence you'd neglected to notice
and the sky
and the street
and you might even feel sensations
all the way down to your feet

god/ dog has awakened
you
back into life

that happens sometimes

and then, here's our life problem
no
life challenge
no
life opportunity
no
life thrill

how to turn everything into a chance
to wake up
like that
except without fear
but with a big grin
of delight?

how can we do that?
what do you think?
what do you feel?
What do you desire?