listening deeper, from the forthcoming book: Love, Lust and Enlightenment

Listening Deeper

We hear the words. If we are lucky, we hear them fully in the ONLY LISTENING mode, where we are not busy having auditory hallucinations (aka “thinking”) about what we are going to say in response.

We hear the words on a good day.

And what else is being said?

What are they feeling?

What are we feeling about what they are saying and about what they are feeling?

What are their body sensations?

What are our body sensations about what we are hearing and what we are feeling and what they are feeling and what they are sensing in their bodies?

Don’t try to untangle that all.

It’s simple:

Head.

Heart.

Body.

All three are listening and one level all the time.

All three are communicating at one level all the time.

Most of us have a ways to go in getting these subtle messages inside ourselves and inside our partner.

Oh well.

What a great new thing to learn.

Partner A:

Talk for two minutes.

Partner B:

I heard you say this in words. Did I miss anything?

Go back and forth until it’s a yes.

Partner B, continuing:

This is my guess about what you were feeling when you were talking

Partner A, shares how close or far that was

Partner B, continuing.

This is how I am feeling in my body right now….

This is my guess about how you are feeling in your body right now…

Go back and forth and see what you can learn from each other about this. Remember COAL

Curious

Open

Aware

Loving

See what happens.

Take lots of three breath pauses.

Do this both ways.

Several times, if you have time.

Touch today

Kiss the hand and arm:

2 minutes: just do it

2 minutes: pay attention to your guess of their feelings and sensations

2 minutes: all the above plus your feelings and sensations

Do both ways

Compare the 3 modes in both giving and getting

Cheers

Chris

The "No" thing; when we say it, when others say it

The "no" thing

I'm feeling smooth and a little apprehensive bringing this up here, and happy that I'm so happy in the small amounts of clarity I'm getting

The giver of the "no's"; when I or we give our "no's" out to people, what's going on? Especially in an invitation to get closer in some way, not the "fill up our time with more nonsense " kind of invite.

There's a Robert Frost poem about "Good Fences make good neighbors," where he questions: what are we fencing out and what are we fencing in?

That's the kind of inquiry I enjoy in my no's and the no's of others:
What in me is making this about my comfort zone and how the other person is going to upset that?
And that upset, is it really anything more than "too much" sensation?

This is very powerful in my life right now,
noticing my fear of fear
or fear of anger
or fear to some "uncomfortable" thing<
just an excuse to not want "too much" sensation
inside me

And who says, when I really sense it without a story
and really am "now" with it,
who says it's "too much,"
except my old "keep everything the way it's always been" mind?

And more about saying no to another's request to get closer:
 the usual suspects: is there something in the other, I don't want to see in myself, and by "no-ing" them away, I'm "safe" from dealing with that in myself

So, it can kind of be a nice education: what is it in me, I don't want and the no protects, so called protects, me from; what is it about the other person I don't want near me?

A nice idea: what is the reality of the situation?

And is it really the other person I'm saying no to, or some picture/ box/ story/ reputation/ look/ stereotype I'm "protecting" myself from. What am I walling out and pretending it's them, and have I given myself the time and curiosity to discover what this person is REALLY like? What am I denying myself with my petty little boundary. Or really important boundary. Or totally habitual boundary. Or totally unconscious boundary. Or conscious for old and not present moment reasons boundary?

What am I keeping away when I stop the connection from happening?

In a certain way, the path of liberation and the Gurdjieff idea of "like what 'it' doesn't like," saying "yes" to our biggest "no" is the stuff of revolution/ dissolution/ freedom

and of course, easier typed out than done

And the getting the no's

hmmm.
If we "need" the yes, then we are a sitting duck for disappointment.

Let me go personal, what a concept: when I was all worried and worked up about getting yeses, the no's were quite devastating and I was back in Jr. High, what's wrong with me, blah, blah

Now, that I'm pretty full, and clear that this ( the OM practice, but that doesn't matter, people want connection want connection want connection; if we offer and they reject, it's a very interesting place to be free and curious and compassionate; read on)
 is something many many many women are deeply hungering for, and they just need to be found, I'm pretty easy with no's

I can see it from the attitude: their loss

or the curiosity route: I wonder what's stopping them?

potentially it could even be compassion: too bad they've got a fence up, what else is it constraining in their life

and then good old Byron Katie, with her quip, so true, so true, that when someone rejects you, you have "been spared."

Yes, the no means, their mood, or their putting you in a box, or their busy ness, or their "not being into you," you don't have to hang with that. You've been spared.

and here's a place I'd love to see us go as a community:

"Would you like to OM/ do something that will get us closer together?"

"Of course, but a no is coming up. Would you help me figure that out, so I can come to a Yes?"

"Sure. Give me some ideas about how I could help you."

"Well... " And a whole toolkit could be available here, which is the kind of thing I love to invent, and will leave open ended for a group invention

Four Ways to Do Anything: leaving suffering

 

Life is a mystery

Tomorrow can be anything,
or the same old nonsense

We can wish or plan or expect "something new"
to happen tomorrow
and something will.

But, this moment,
whatever we are doing,
has a posture/ body component

a thinking component (wondering about my words,
listening, agreeing, disagreeing)

a feeling component (patient, impatient,
really feeling something nothing to do with this
particular string of words,
and maybe on the computer to "avoid"
that feeling)

and a "soul" component,
which is tricky to talk about:
but some part of you knows,
bubba bubbete that this earth bound
life
is not forever
and thus
knows that this second
instant
moment
whatever you want to call it
and it's
gone already

is precious.

Four ways to do anything:
you are already "doing" the look at the computer thing
one way,
and
to be aware of all or some of the four components
is another way

and so
to be free,
play it out in two more ways.

Shift your body shape, or breathing pattern, or do
a little aware moving

Look for a feeling that adds to whatever you are
feeling
or
select a feeling you'd like to be having
or
deepen the sensation and the emotion of what you are feeling
or
add on feeling plus sensing as a wholeness
or...

do you know what I'm talking about

call or email if you don't

and the basic idea: we take our feelings as so real,
not a cloud floating through
and a cloud we create at that

and what of our thinking,
what are a couple of amazing or interesting
variations
we could make on that

who knows:
me
i'm going to stop typing and try out all this grand advice
now
and see what I can teach me
by this.


.....

okay, that was fun

many many messages about standing,
moving
breathing
getting more physical than I can behind a keyboard
and screen

what happened/ happens for you


Good

Over at 4brainfitness.blogspot.com

Which I wish I'd named 4 brain mindfulness,
the Monday post
is about:
Waking up to the sensation underneath
emotions,
and going deeper than the so called
positive
and
negative
emotions
to
the mainstay of the Feldenkrais and Anat Baniel work:
sensing ourselves.

What is the sensation
of various good feeling
and
not so good feeling feelings
and how might the distinction be better
made than Positive and Negative
feelings?

Check it out and see
if you wish
4 Brain Mindfulness, weekly essays on a Monday