Sneaky Marriage/ Sullen Divorce.... then what

I'm going to try something new in August.
This mode: story
antidote
poem

We'll see.
Here it goes.
Like this.

Joe and Sally have a sneaky marriage, both having affairs, and, of course, 

blaming the other for their unhappiness.
This leads to a sullen divorce, which exhausts them, but...
they feel free..
liberated.

At last the green pasture is wide open. And they find someone SOOO much better.

Except the pattern is their: problems can be so sweetly avoided by a little side sex,
and then bigger problems can be avoided by a torrid affair and then this green
pasture wasn't so great after all.

And must be left behind.
As is the next.
And the next.
And the next.

Antidote/ teaching:
Clean up this mess, or the green pastures we see will turn into one more gravel pit.

And a poem:

if you are wrong
and I don't have to listen
and I can get so much fun
in someone else's bed

why should I learn
how my thoughts and actions
help you be a worse you
that you want to be

how can I learn
what I could have done and known
and tried
to love you better

even if we need to part
if I can't love you
(the famous, "love your enemy" schtick of either
Christianity, or the Work of Byron Katie...
in one a preaching
in the other a result)

then I haven't really figured out how
to love myself
and so the next one,
the sooooo much better one
will eventually
(what with sex not forbidden
and communication not learned
passion burns out
and intimacy
which is what relationship is all about
doesn't grow)
that one falls apart

and the next
and the next

and it's the same
old
thing
again
and again


alas:

and the way out:
Clean up this mess.
Don't finish your divorce,
or better yet,
even start,
until you can
"love your enemy."

You don't have to live with them,
but if you don't love them,
you'll never really leave them.

Aha.

Good.

Vows for Relationship Enlightenment, part 2

12.To speak the truth.
This was in #2. As in saying this, which could be true:
"I feel angry."
Rather than this, which is a lie: "I feel angry because you ...."
The real truth is "I let my anger come out when I tell myself the story that you should..."

And to speak the truth means more:
"I want to be a big baby and have you all to myself."

"I want you to worship and adore me, when I want attention,
and I want to be ignored and let alone when I want time to myself."

"I want you to read my mind,
and know what I want without me having to articulate it."

I.e. To speak the humorous truth of my own self centered nonsense.

Which is to say the egoic mind, the me, me, me fellow who thinks it is
Me vs the world.

La, la.
To speak the truth of my lies, any lie that demands another be under my control.

13. I vow to live an awakened life.
As much as I can.
And I vow to create conditions for you to live an awakened life.
As much as you wish.

This does NOT mean lectures, advice, programs. It means listening. Being curious. Searching for an awareness of the unique brilliance of your being alive, right now.

As I can vow to connect with the unique brilliance of my being alive, right now.

Good.

From Relationship Enlightenment: Listening and Reflecting Back

This is from my new blog:

http://RelationshipEnlightenment.blogspot.com

This is so simple.
And it works.

It works because it violates several of the habits
of the conversations
that we have that either "get nowhere"
or
"go downhill fast."

It violates the habit of interrupting when we get worked up
about what the other said.

It violates the habit of defending ourselves before we've really
considered the "other side."

It violates the habit of:
"What I have to say is important. You, shut up and listen."

It violates the central habit of arguing, the two sided game
of
"I'm Right and you are Wrong."
"No, no, you've got it backwards: I'm Right and you're Wrong."

And you've heard of it before,
it's called reflexive listening.

And here it is again.

1. Get a timer. Set it for two minutes.
Let your partner have their turn.
They say anything they want for the two minutes.
You say nothing.

2. After the two minutes, you repeat back to them
what you heard.
No interpretations.
No defending.
Just what they said.
Pause. Breathe.

3. Ask them of you missed anything.
 a. If so, have them repeat what you missed
 b. And you repeat back what you missed.
 c. And you asked again, Did I miss anything there?
 d. If not, move on. If yes, go back to 3.a.

4. Now it's your turn.
You talk for two minutes.
"Your side" of the issue.
Or just what's important to say, having heard and listened to
what they said.
Go slowly.
Don't try to be right.
Try to talk from your feelings and wishes, leaving out
any criticisms ( including criticisms of them for being
critical. One person at a time wising up)
Talk from what you want and you wish for and the solution
you'd like to see.

Go really slow and actually listen to yourself,
your voice tone, your undercurrent messages, your needs or wants or feelings.
Try to sense your body as you talk.

Which is to say: As much as you can, be present.

5. The timer rings ( later, you can go up to 3 or 4 minutes,
you'll have to discover how long you can listen and still hear it
all and repeat it back). You stop.

They tell you what they heard and ask if they missed anything.

6. And so on.


You'll  know you're really getting somewhere when you're as interested in
their side of things as you are in your own.

This is your life.
You supposedly love this person.
This is a chance to make things better.

Take it.