HAPPY ANGER
Ping pong balls
Jennifer is in a rage, that bastard, how dare he? And she’s a little bit joyous, too, how can you not be when six other divorcees are all hurling ping pong balls at photographs of their X, making all sorts of ridiculous grunts along the way, all the while Joey’s voice so cheerfully urging them along.
“Feel za anga, yah,” he almost sings, pretending embellishing clearly enjoying some ridiculous accent. “And feel za breathing, too, yah. You breathe, you anga, you throw the balls. Gut. Make zos grunts bigga. Big noise. Angry noise. A little bit happy, too noise. So fun to throw ball and grunt. Yah! Grunt ze ‘ Yah, yah’ as the throw.”
They grunt the yah, yah, and Jennifer loves this stupid stuff. It feels so good to move. And stop worrying. And stop torturing herself, ‘What went wrong?’ She throws, grunts, “Yah, yah.”
“Gut, gut,” continues crazy wise Joey, “ feel za spine, feel za weight shift, one foot to other. Yah. Feel za breathe. Breathe more. Feel good and gut and yah to za breathe in you. Feel za arm move and let ze throw be soft and anga and delicious all at once.
“Now stop please, pause, stand still, close zee eyes, feel za you inside of you. Feel za ‘I am alive’ on you.
“Feel za you, yah. No name. Just the you experiencing za you, just now. Only now. Now now wow. Feel za two feet and two legs and two arms and how ze body thing all held together. How does that miracle body puzzle you given for a while all fit together?
“Feel feet on za floor, good floor, nice floor, hold you up. Feel za floor holding up feet, feel za feet holding up legs, feel za legs hold up pelvis. Breathe. Breathe down near to pelvis. Ah, gut. Send love up feet legs pelvis and then spine, love up spine, feel pelvis hold up spine, spine hold up head, brain in there. Good brain.
“Awareness in there, or maybe not. Where is aware? Don’t know. Don’t matter. Feel za awareness of feet legs pelvis spine head and spine hold ribs and ribs hold arms and breathing inside ribs, some and down by pelvis some.
“Breathe. Good feel, yah. Feel the in. Feel the out. No need to take care of breathe. Breathe take care of us. And heart, feel if can, it pump. Pump, pump, heart always pump, always love you, always send oxygen all over to your feet and legs and pelvis and spine and ribs and lungs and stomach and liver and brain and tongue.
“Good heart. It loves you. Can you love your heart for taking care of you? Love your feet to hold you up? Love za legs to hold you up? Love za everything to be alive for you now?
“Now. Feel za now of heart, breathe, legs, arms ribs, spine head lungs pelvis. Feel more. Sense the all of you.
“This is gut, no? Yah, this is gut.
“Now open eyes. Look around room. See other people in same room. See them breathe. See their feet holding up their legs holding up their pelvis holding up their spine holding up their heads. Other people alive. See them alive. Feel you alive. Feel the same now you all in. Gut? Yah, feel za gut to be alive just now, wow, all together here. Look at them, see them, see them seeing you, forget a little who is who watching whom in this room, zoom, zoom, zoom.
“Breathe. They breathe. You breathe. Sense your breathe. Notice or imagine their breathe. All alive.
“Gut.
“ Now look at picture of X. Sense feet and look at picture. Feet real, now, picture two dimensions. A story not now. Feel legs and pelvis and spine. And feet. Sense the real. Look for anger in you when look at picture.
“Realize big dumb joke. Picture not sending anga to you. Anga in there, but when sense feet arms spine legs breathing, not so big the anga, is it?
“Sense the little anga, and if not any imagine a tiny bit, and throw za balls again. Throw slow. And feel each throw as delicious movement. Feel the feet and spines and rotation and weight shift and fingers on ball and then letting go. Feel delicious to be you and to be move and feel tiny bit anga, and feel alive.
“This is you, now alive. Feel za miracle of two legger creature throw ball. Feel joy to throw. Watch ball in air. Hear sound when it hits. Love za breathe as you throw. Love za you with za anga and za pleasure of za throw.
“Be happy big, and anga a small part of the big you. Throw za pinger ponger and say, ‘Thank you, God,’ or ‘Thank you, Universe,’ or ‘Thank you, Life’ each throw you go.
“Have fun in this now, now, now. Breathe. Feel all the little parts of the spine, the vertebrae changing and moving as you throw. Feel fingers. Feel toes. Love to be alive.`
“Sing out, thanks, Thanks. Thanks!”
Jennifer, tears streaming down her face, a smile so wide in hurts her jaw, the glorious sensuality of her body as she moves, throws these ping pong balls of anger, ping pong balls of love, ping pong balls of waking back to the magnificence of Jennifer.
And what is that?
She doesn’t know yet and can’t wait to keep discovering, recovering, singing and moving. “Thank you, sweet Life,” she sings forth, “Thank you, thank you, thank you, indeed.”
Sweet life. Alive life. Sweet life, indeed.
Ping pong balls
Jennifer is in a rage, that bastard, how dare he? And she’s a little bit joyous, too, how can you not be when six other divorcees are all hurling ping pong balls at photographs of their X, making all sorts of ridiculous grunts along the way, all the while Joey’s voice so cheerfully urging them along.
“Feel za anga, yah,” he almost sings, pretending embellishing clearly enjoying some ridiculous accent. “And feel za breathing, too, yah. You breathe, you anga, you throw the balls. Gut. Make zos grunts bigga. Big noise. Angry noise. A little bit happy, too noise. So fun to throw ball and grunt. Yah! Grunt ze ‘ Yah, yah’ as the throw.”
They grunt the yah, yah, and Jennifer loves this stupid stuff. It feels so good to move. And stop worrying. And stop torturing herself, ‘What went wrong?’ She throws, grunts, “Yah, yah.”
“Gut, gut,” continues crazy wise Joey, “ feel za spine, feel za weight shift, one foot to other. Yah. Feel za breathe. Breathe more. Feel good and gut and yah to za breathe in you. Feel za arm move and let ze throw be soft and anga and delicious all at once.
“Now stop please, pause, stand still, close zee eyes, feel za you inside of you. Feel za ‘I am alive’ on you.
“Feel za you, yah. No name. Just the you experiencing za you, just now. Only now. Now now wow. Feel za two feet and two legs and two arms and how ze body thing all held together. How does that miracle body puzzle you given for a while all fit together?
“Feel feet on za floor, good floor, nice floor, hold you up. Feel za floor holding up feet, feel za feet holding up legs, feel za legs hold up pelvis. Breathe. Breathe down near to pelvis. Ah, gut. Send love up feet legs pelvis and then spine, love up spine, feel pelvis hold up spine, spine hold up head, brain in there. Good brain.
“Awareness in there, or maybe not. Where is aware? Don’t know. Don’t matter. Feel za awareness of feet legs pelvis spine head and spine hold ribs and ribs hold arms and breathing inside ribs, some and down by pelvis some.
“Breathe. Good feel, yah. Feel the in. Feel the out. No need to take care of breathe. Breathe take care of us. And heart, feel if can, it pump. Pump, pump, heart always pump, always love you, always send oxygen all over to your feet and legs and pelvis and spine and ribs and lungs and stomach and liver and brain and tongue.
“Good heart. It loves you. Can you love your heart for taking care of you? Love your feet to hold you up? Love za legs to hold you up? Love za everything to be alive for you now?
“Now. Feel za now of heart, breathe, legs, arms ribs, spine head lungs pelvis. Feel more. Sense the all of you.
“This is gut, no? Yah, this is gut.
“Now open eyes. Look around room. See other people in same room. See them breathe. See their feet holding up their legs holding up their pelvis holding up their spine holding up their heads. Other people alive. See them alive. Feel you alive. Feel the same now you all in. Gut? Yah, feel za gut to be alive just now, wow, all together here. Look at them, see them, see them seeing you, forget a little who is who watching whom in this room, zoom, zoom, zoom.
“Breathe. They breathe. You breathe. Sense your breathe. Notice or imagine their breathe. All alive.
“Gut.
“ Now look at picture of X. Sense feet and look at picture. Feet real, now, picture two dimensions. A story not now. Feel legs and pelvis and spine. And feet. Sense the real. Look for anger in you when look at picture.
“Realize big dumb joke. Picture not sending anga to you. Anga in there, but when sense feet arms spine legs breathing, not so big the anga, is it?
“Sense the little anga, and if not any imagine a tiny bit, and throw za balls again. Throw slow. And feel each throw as delicious movement. Feel the feet and spines and rotation and weight shift and fingers on ball and then letting go. Feel delicious to be you and to be move and feel tiny bit anga, and feel alive.
“This is you, now alive. Feel za miracle of two legger creature throw ball. Feel joy to throw. Watch ball in air. Hear sound when it hits. Love za breathe as you throw. Love za you with za anga and za pleasure of za throw.
“Be happy big, and anga a small part of the big you. Throw za pinger ponger and say, ‘Thank you, God,’ or ‘Thank you, Universe,’ or ‘Thank you, Life’ each throw you go.
“Have fun in this now, now, now. Breathe. Feel all the little parts of the spine, the vertebrae changing and moving as you throw. Feel fingers. Feel toes. Love to be alive.`
“Sing out, thanks, Thanks. Thanks!”
Jennifer, tears streaming down her face, a smile so wide in hurts her jaw, the glorious sensuality of her body as she moves, throws these ping pong balls of anger, ping pong balls of love, ping pong balls of waking back to the magnificence of Jennifer.
And what is that?
She doesn’t know yet and can’t wait to keep discovering, recovering, singing and moving. “Thank you, sweet Life,” she sings forth, “Thank you, thank you, thank you, indeed.”
Sweet life. Alive life. Sweet life, indeed.
