When you want to sting back in your love relationship.... don't

Week Two, Day One: LOVE

Be happy when you feel like arguing

Don’t say it when you feel like arguing

Be present when you feel like arguing

Say your complaint in gibberish when you feel like arguing

Go take a walk in nature when you feel like arguing

This is a day to begin to shift one of life’s most painful occurrences.

We have a mate, who loves us and whom we love. And they say something that stings. Or, we say something that stings.

Either way, our scorpion mind or their scorpion mind wants to bite back, sting back, fight fire with fire.

And…

Can you please remember any times in your life when this has worked?

So. That’s the game today. Notice when you are stung. Or when you are stinging and do one of three things.

Love Game #5 Feel your sting, or their sting.

Stop.

Say nothing.

Take three deep breaths.

Ask for something non-verbal:

A hug.

A walk that is holding hands.

A kiss.

(Not sex, that’s too radical for the way out of the venom, and creates a messy pathway to inner shifting.)

A dance.

That’s pretty self-explanatory, and it’s so hard.

We love to drive ourselves deeper and deeper into the mess by “just saying one more thing.” (The urge to get in the last word has ruined more marriages than almost anything else.)

Words don’t heal, usually, the wounds started by words.

“I’m sorry” might help.

“Something’s going on with you I don’t understand” might help.

And let’s start with going to something kind and friendly and non-verbal.

This is a good habit.

And,

Love Game #6: Ask for all of the above during the day even when there is no sting going on:

A hug.

A holding hands walk.

A kiss.

A dance.

This is life.

We need to cultivate touching the person we got together with for touch.

We found this person for two reasons, and many more.

The main two: someone to talk to.

Someone to have sex with/ enjoy physically.

The hug, the walk, the kiss, the dance don’t need to have any hints of sex in them.

Better they don’t.

And they do have the CONNECTION that is so crucial to human life on Earth.

And…

If you are in the work environment.

And you want to calm someone’s mean remark… a dance and kiss and a holding hands walk probably won’t work.

A hug is even a little iffy.

You might invent a silly/profound reason to shake hands, saying something like: “Let’s agree to disagree and mull this over for a win-win approach.”

“Let’s agree to chill on this for a bit, and come back to it when we are feeling more friendly.”

“Let’s agree to explore ways to make this good for both of us.”

All of these could work in the romantic/ love/ marriage relationship.

And back to our partner. One other game to play when the sting starts happening is a two part game.

Love Game #7: When you feel like complaining

One: Say at least seven gratitudes to them, three or four being appreciations about them

Two: speak the complaint in gibberish.

After that’s over, they may not know what you are doing. If they ask, say you are practicing turning negativity into gibberish. To spare them, and to spare yourself.

If they don’t ask, enjoy it.

Perhaps even say some more gratitudes.

If they want to sting back, anyway.

Ask them to channel their sting into gratitudes plus gibberish.

If they say yes, great.

If they say no, ask to be excused while you go take a walk.

And then: go take a walk.

And be present to your feet and your breath and nature and the world of you, alive right now.

If you feel like arguing or are rehearsing your counter-attack in your head, see if you can switch it to gratitudes and gibberish.

Enjoy.

Summary of Week Two, Day One: LOVE

Go three ways with the “sting” temptation.

One: Non verbal.

Two: Practice hugs and hand hold walks, and dancing and kissing even when the situation is “normal,” to make this a normal and everyday part of life.

Three: Again, if the sting is happening, react with gratitude and gibberish .

Be honest: stinging back has never work.

Good.

Movement for back, hips, neck and brain---cat and cow

CAT AND COW
IN SITTING ON A CHAIR
Come to the front of the chair
Both feet on the floor

CAT:
Back is rounded
by
Pulling stomach in
Rolling back on your pelvis
Lowering your sternum
Letting your head slump down

COW
Back is arched
by
Pushing stomach forward
(extra credit, figure out how to do this on the outbreath)
Rolling forward on your pelvis
Raising your sternum
Letting your nose lift up toward the sky (Do not cram your neck way back)


NORMAL DEAL
In sitting
alternate cat and cow

slowly
taking a few turns to mainly notice the pelvis
a few turns
to mainly notice the ribs and arch/ round of the spine
and
a few turns
feeling your head's involvement in this
and
then
a few turns feeling it all together

VARIATION ONE

In this variation your head does the opposite as the "normal" version

So
VARIATION ONE -- CAT
All is the same except for the head:
Back Rounded
by
Belly in
Pelvis rolled back
Sternum down
and
Head goes UP this time

Two ways to notice this:
The head goes back as the back goes back
and
Your head is rotating the same way your pelvis is

VARIATION ONE -- COW
All is the same except for the head
Back Arched
by
Belly forward
Pelvis rolling forward
Sternum up
and
Your HEAD goes DOWN this time

as before;
Head and belly going forward
and
Your head is rotating the same way your pelvis is

LINK THESE UP:
AND
go slowly
and pay attention
and enjoy the movement
and find something new and delicious
and interesting
each time you do the movement

Go LESS than your full range
Use LESS force
Use MORE attention, ease and pleasure

Enjoy


CAT AND COW AS THEY DO IT IN YOGA

ON YOUR HANDS AND KNEES

NORMAL CAT
Back arched up toward the ceiling
as
Pelvis tucks under
Belly tucks in
Head lowers toward the pelvis
And your sternum moves as if down into your belly

NORMAL COW
Back and ribs come toward the floor
as
Your pelvis rotates so your butt is moving toward the back of your head
The back of your head , as you nose lifts, is moving toward your butt
Your sternum is expanding and coming as if up toward your neck

CAT and COW in Yoga:
Go back and forth between these two

VARIATION TWO
Put your weight on your left hand and knee
Have your right knee free

As you do cat,
Bring your right knee toward your nose

As you do cow
Bring your right foot back and up toward the ceiling

Alternate these two


VARIATION ONE IN THE YOGA VERSION

HANDS AND KNEES VARIATION ONE,      CAT
Your back is up toward the ceiling,
Rounded we call it, though blah blah, it could seem an arch
Think of rounding forward in standing or sitting,
This is rounding, just go along with it

Your back is toward the ceiling
Your pelvis is tucked under , tailbone tucked under, as if toward your head
Your belly is pulled in and up toward the ceiling
and
Your head is looking up toward the ceiling/ sky also

as before:
the back and the head are both toward the sky
and
the pelvis and the head are rotating the same direction

HANDS AND KNEES VARIATION ONE,    COW
Your back is arched
Meaning ribs are pushed "forward" if forward is the way your chest points
or
Ribs and belly are pushed toward the floor
and your sternum lifts a bit toward your neck
and
Your pelvis rotates as if the point your butt toward your head
and
Your head this time is
Going down toward the floor

as before:
The ribs and mid section is toward the floor and so is your head
and
Your pelvis and your head are rotating in the same direction

Combine these two
Go slowly
Go slower
Stop a lot

Feel it
feel it
feel it

as sensation

it's very relaxing
and
brain expanding

as are
all of these lessons

cheers
Chris

Slow Food/ Slow Sex/ Waking up to the Now life

Sex every day.
Slow food.

Waking up in relationship is
about
....
waking up.

Relationship just "makes" it harder,
because we follow a false bet,
the bet that another person is there to read our mind
and do it "just the way we want it"

Or the false bet, that the relationship is
going to
"make everything all right."

Nah, the relationship is going to be someone to kiss
and talk to
and eat food with
and have sex with

slowly

why slowly:
to savor

to notice

to be really there with

slow is our gift to ourselves,
this now that reaches out forever and ever
and
we
forget
because we
are
lost

lost somewhere else and the logic as well as the reality
means:
the past has us gobbled
up
or the future has us living where we aren't yet

and now

now you read or hear this
now you sit lie or stand
now you breathe in or out
now your arms and legs and pelvis are somewhere

slow down and
know all that

and what you are sensing
inside your body
right now
good

Practice --- day 2 of Sex Every Day

OM stands for orgasmic meditation.

You've heard the phrase, meditation practice.

OMing is a meditation practice. Sexy one. And not sexy in a way, because it's about being slow enough and awake enough to feel, as sensation, what is going on now.
and now

and now

and now

OM is a meditation practice.

Practice means you plug away and if you do well, great; if it's not so great, you keep plugging away.

How could you do it better?

And what is better in meditation?

Paying attention.

Being present.

For the strokee: being present to where the finger is stroking and to the sensation in her body.

For the stroker: being present to where the finger is stroking and to the sensation in his or her body.

This is  seeminglya slam dunk, right, it's such a pleasurable place.

And yet, for the strokee, the temptation is to feel it's all "too much" and to check out, or to want to pull for climax, and to get involved in the idea of "too much" and not the real sensations.Or to wish her stroker were a little more this, a little less that. Or to maybe wish she hadn't said yes to this OM. Or to think she's not "really doing it right."

And so on.

For the stroker, good god, so many thought pathways to go down: am I doing it right? Where is the clitoris? What's the right stroke? Why isn't she responding? And more and more . ( With the great relationship ruiner: if the other one were just more of this , or less of that. Why can't they get this or that together?)

And it's a practice: come back to the moment, as you come back to breathing or sensing or emptiness in a meditation.

AND HERE'S MAYBE THE MOST IMPORTANT: WHEN YOU COME BACK TO THE PRESENT, DON'T ATTACK YOURSELF FOR HAVING LEFT IT

JUST ENJOY "COMING HOME"

Practice doesn't make perfect.

It makes awake.

Or, more correctly: it's practice in coming back to awake again and again and again.

This is what life is for. To wake up.

Practicing with a partner in the world of orgasm is a sweet path to waking up.

Perhaps it's for you to try.

Every Day.

Sex Every Day.

And each day "it" will be different, and all you have to do, is be there, be aware.

Pay attention.