Argue No More -- Three Delightful Steps back to Love

Week Two, Day One:  LOVE

Concept #8 : WE DON’T NEED TO ARGUE—

Say Five Times as Many “Good” Things…

 A Three Step Alternative

We love to argue, because we have conditioned minds. What do conditioned minds want most of all?

To be right.

And they are stupid.

So if we feel bad, or shift into reactivity and start feeling bad, our stupid conditioned minds have a stupid conditioned program called: YOUR FAULT.

This always seems true.

This always fucks up our life.

And makes it less fun.

And can lead to feeling like we’re miserable.

And we so-called “KNOW” (ha! An opinion masking as a “fact”) why we are miserable.

Because we believe a ridiculous thought, which is: You are at the cause of my feeling bad.

Which always seems true.

And which is always a lie.

And always makes us weak, because it’s firmly saddled in the victim mode that says: YOU are the cause of my feelings.

Here’s the sad and wonderful truth: we are always always, we are the cause of our feelings.

WE ARE ALWAYS ALWAYS THE CAUSE OF HOW WE FEEL.

Later we’ll see that it’s almost entirely our THOUGHTS about whatever the other person did that are “causing” our bad feelings.

And enough theory. It’s up to you to discover how you make yourself unhappy, and then to stop that.

You may be pleasantly delighted to discover that once you stop making yourself unhappy, you are automatically happy. 

ONCE YOU STOP MAKING YOURSELF UNHAPPY, YOU ARE OFTEN AUTOMATICALLY HAPPY)

(There is more to it, because out of of bodies and in our heads it’s very hard to live a fun and full and creative life…. And for now. Let’s kick the arguing habit into a corner, and have this wonderful three step process to be more alive, and connected and loving.)

LOVE GAME #5: Write two lists of appreciation: for yourself and for “the other”

Five things you love or like or appreciate about yourself.

Five things you love or like or appreciate about the other.

Love Game #6: Write two short lists: ONE thing each, to improve

One thing that you could do “a little better”. I know, I know, you are perfect. And…. there might just be ONE thing you could do a little inny weenie bit better.

One thing (ONE) that your partner/ friend/ child/ friend/ ???/ could do “a little better”.

This is a secret to good relationship. Five nice things to every one not so nice thing.

The brain likes to latch on to the negative. So, we need to start with five times as many nice things.

ABOUT OURSELVES, TOO.

We need to get in the habit of writing lists of what we love about ourselves.

Love Game #7: Discover the “we goal” behind the two wishes to improve.

For example:  I am too critical, sometimes.

The we goal: We are creating an environment of support and listening and patience and being present and grateful.

Or, another example: You should not withdraw when things go south.

The we goal: We are staying connected no matter what.

This can be any we goal that you want. It need only be something that you are sure that both of you agree and thrive by.

So, this is fun.

And this is a way to look at the half of the problem that is us.

This is a way to look at the “we goals” that are about the love and connection and fun and life richness that is what we really want.

Amen.

The Present. Loving Life/ Others/ Yourself

The Present:
Our Only Route to Freedom and Love

Here’s the deal:

One: If you had perfect parents AND

Your partner had perfect parents , THEN

You can have a grand relationship and be mindless

Two: We are either mindful or mindless

Three: If we did NOT both have perfect parents, things are always going to get awful unless we are mindful.

This isn’t to say they will always be awful.

In mindlessness, we can coast through good times, or stay busy enough to be out of each other’s hair, but there will be times when one or the other (or both, as often happens) have stressful/ bad/ shitty days.

When that happens, and we are mindless, guess what?

Not being mindful, we don’t get to chose what our reactions are going to be?

Who does?

Our programming.

Where does most of our heavy duty programming come from: our parents.

So, that’s the formula: stress, plus mindlessness equals we fall back on the rather funky examples and programming of our parents and act them out on our poor mate.

And our poor selves, because we aren’t really home when we are acting out the mindless game.

We are a pawn of our programming.

This would be bad, bad awful news, if we didn’t have an alternative to being mindless.

But we do.

To be mindful.

Remember number two at the start of this chapter: we can be mindful, or we can be mindless..

Mindful, we can notice:

Oh, darn, my buttons are being pushed. Better say something about that.

Or, wow, look at the way my words have caused my loved one to tense their breathing and look hurt in their face.

Maybe those weren’t the words I really wanted to say.

So, that’s that deal: Mindful we have choices. We can notice our own reactiveness.

We can notice the effects of our words and actions.

We aren’t lost in our own little world, but are paying attention to reality.

We notice the birds and our breathing and our skeletons holding us up in gravity and the look on our loved one’s face and the tone of our voice and the feelings that are coming up in us.

The world is new and fresh when we are mindful and if things aren’t “going right,” we can notice this, and say something about it and get curious.

And make suggestions.

Or requests.

All that, the making requests, the diffusing our own reactivity will come later in the book.

For now, we are going to practice pointing our attention to what we like in life.

What we are aware of in the present and what we like in life.

In couples, so much conversation is either planning out the business of what to next or later. And a lot is complaining about what happened in the past.

And the lovely blaming the other for when we feel bad.

So, let’s get our attention on what we like muscles build up and spend three days talking about what turns us on in life, what we like in life, what we are aware of in the present.

Like this…

The Liking Game

In some religions they lay it out like this: Two biggie commandments, Love God. Love your neighbor as yourself.

Check that out closely and it’s three rules for the good life:

Love God

Love others.

Love yourself.

And now, gentle reader, we’re going to take a short cut, a short cut to happiness, contentment and bliss.

A way out of a bunch of conceptual tangling and fussing that has waylaid humanity for way too long.

Instead of God, we are going to say Life.

Capital L Life.

The miracle of the flowers and the creeks and the salmon and smiling children and tuba’s and kissing and square dancing and redwood trees.

Life.

So the Big Three rules become:

Love Life.

Love other people.

Love yourself.

And guess what?

You are your partner are going to practice that for twenty minutes a day for at least three days.

And you are going to start by noticing the big three: yourself, another person, and Life.

Here’s the game, sit as before in two chairs close to each other and look each other in the eyes as one speaks and the other listen.

Be present to your voice as you speak.

Both be present to the voice and the breathing and the body, both your own and the other’s.

And talk in two turns of talking and two turns of listening like this.

For five minutes cycle through these six sentence stems, finishing them as the words come to you.

1.    I notice in the present this about myself…

2.    I notice in the present, this about you…

3.    I notice, in the present, this about Life around us…

4.    I like this about myself…

5.    I like this about you…

6.    I like this about Life…

Pause for a couple of sweet breaths as you look each other in the eye, and then go back through the six sentence stems again.

And again.

And again.

Until the five minutes are up.

Notice the delight in just talking about what you like.

Notice the delight is just listening to your love talk about what they like.

Do this two turns each.

See if it changes how you talk in the rest of your life!!

Passion, Purpose, Play, Presence.

Passion, Purpose, Play, Presence

Many relationships start in passion. Hallelujah!

This is fun, exhilarating, exciting, gives hope, floods the system with ocytocin, gets each person to realize they aren’t alone in the universe.

And more.

Presence happens. At least in the bed. They get our of their head. The moment feels good enough to be present.

Play happens. Silliness sneaks in, and games are played.

This is good.

And, then, sad face…. Passion fades.

There is not a purpose agreed to be present, and in the talking part of the relationship an inevitable shift takes place, from loving the other to ego function kicking back in.

In the love part, this other person is different and that’s fascinating. Like children, excited with the new and the unknown, when we are new lovers we are thrilled at the differences.

And then the ego function ( there being no such thing as “ego,” it’s just the pattern of conditioning wrapped around self-image and the me-me-me principle) kicks in and the different is wrong.

Ego function wants others to think, feel, act, smell, be like them. Eat like them. Be unhappy like them. Complain like them. Hate the same people they hate.

And so on.

 A boring way to live, to be sure, and it’s the lot of 99% of humanity.

Presence fades even from sex. Or maybe not, but sex becomes a relief valve, not a playground.

And purpose that never was there goes a couple of ways:

Arguing.

Creating harmony within boredom.

Creating some business together.

Having kids.

Kids gives a purpose and is the one area in life where many people can actually live more in love than in ego function.

So now the couple, though the passion is slipping and presence is there only in some of the slipping passion, at least has play time with the kids.

And they have a purpose. Kids are almost impossible, even the best ones, so the couple has to talk things through, listen to each other, discover solutions.

Many couples fight over how to raise children.

They don’t have a purpose of listening to another point of view.

Ah, here comes the divorce. ( Mine was that. Many years ago. Alas. We make mistakes. We learn)

And what would an awakened relationship be doing so that passion, purpose, play and presence could be there in the beginning, middle and end?

One, start from purpose and presence.

Notice all the exercises/ games in this book are about being present as you talk and present as you touch.

Start the sex in touch.

Start the foreplay in honest and present talk..

Two, have these purposes.

To be present. Always.

To be kind. Always.

To see any button being pushed as an opportunity to work on oneself.

Because, this is an overriding purpose: to learn unconditional love.

Which is a subset of enlightenment, and mutual enlightenment is a purpose of the awakened relationship.

And from that, awakened passion is an eyes open, slow, communicative, requesting and listening and not in a rush thing.

And it’s great.

And it gets better and better.

Play comes, kids or no, because life without being driven by the ego function can continually be fascinated by this very different being with whom intimacy is growing and growing and growing.

Fun.

If you’ve read the book this far and done the games, you are well on the way.

Keep it up.

Yes

listening deeper, from the forthcoming book: Love, Lust and Enlightenment

Listening Deeper

We hear the words. If we are lucky, we hear them fully in the ONLY LISTENING mode, where we are not busy having auditory hallucinations (aka “thinking”) about what we are going to say in response.

We hear the words on a good day.

And what else is being said?

What are they feeling?

What are we feeling about what they are saying and about what they are feeling?

What are their body sensations?

What are our body sensations about what we are hearing and what we are feeling and what they are feeling and what they are sensing in their bodies?

Don’t try to untangle that all.

It’s simple:

Head.

Heart.

Body.

All three are listening and one level all the time.

All three are communicating at one level all the time.

Most of us have a ways to go in getting these subtle messages inside ourselves and inside our partner.

Oh well.

What a great new thing to learn.

Partner A:

Talk for two minutes.

Partner B:

I heard you say this in words. Did I miss anything?

Go back and forth until it’s a yes.

Partner B, continuing:

This is my guess about what you were feeling when you were talking

Partner A, shares how close or far that was

Partner B, continuing.

This is how I am feeling in my body right now….

This is my guess about how you are feeling in your body right now…

Go back and forth and see what you can learn from each other about this. Remember COAL

Curious

Open

Aware

Loving

See what happens.

Take lots of three breath pauses.

Do this both ways.

Several times, if you have time.

Touch today

Kiss the hand and arm:

2 minutes: just do it

2 minutes: pay attention to your guess of their feelings and sensations

2 minutes: all the above plus your feelings and sensations

Do both ways

Compare the 3 modes in both giving and getting

Cheers

Chris

Waking Up in Love-- do it, or the love will die..... argh

WAKING UP IN LOVE

You can fall in love and not be awake. You are swept off your feet for deep seated and/or idiotic reasons.

Doesn’t matter. You head turns off its dominance for awhile and you fall.

And then you get together.

It's all perfect.
And then it's not.

And then you have the choice, be mindful or mindless in your love.

Mindful seems a lot of trouble, except that it’s so fun, because you are present at each moment to new possibilities, to doing something different than your programming says to do, or different than either of you are expecting.

Mindless, as in not being present, as in not being mindful, is the default mode of human life, and if you have met Ms. Right, or Mr Right, it seems like you’re going to get away with drifting along on your good luck, except for a minor detail.

It won’t work unless you both have perfect parents.

If you both have perfect parents, then when things get stressful you can go to the mindless automatic solution you saw with your parents ( which, not so strangely, will be either mindfulness or something close: like humor, like listening, like putting the other first, like hugging and taking a breather, like… Who knows? Perfect parents must have a lot of cool ways of dealing with trouble.

I’ve never met anyone with perfect parents, but if it’s you, let me know what they did).

And then, the rest of us.

With imperfect parents, who had less than ideal ways of relating to each other when stress came down, if we are mindless then we are on automatic.

If we are on automatic we are going to go for our programming.

If they weren’t so good, these programs, usually something like putting the other down, not listening, get defensive, getting offensive, drinking, avoidance, having affairs, overeating…. Whatever they did not so well, if we are mindless, we have to drift back into copying their mode.

Which sucked for them, whether they stuck it out or not.

Aside: sticking it out has it’s advantages, and without real month by month mindful growth, it’s taking each other for granted, avoiding each other and going about somewhat robot lives, fighting a lot, various drug and or sexual escapes, all the above shenanigans.

So it’s a two way deal:

Be mindful.

That things aren’t going so well.

That stress is up.

That there are solutions out there.

That these solutions are to be had outside of the conditioned pathway.

( If you are in a couple and reading this and want to have a pile of non conditioned and amazing ways to break through to a new level, call, or email RIGHT NOW)

And what would being mindful look like.

Ah, lots of ways, and this is, since it can be done in almost all circumstances, talking or not, is the best I have found.

1 sensing entire right leg all toes to hip joint

2 adding on ( keep sensing leg)

Entire right arm

All fingers to shoulder 

3 adding on

Entire left arm

Shoulder to all fingers 

4 adding on ( keep sensing other three)

Entire left leg hip joint to all toes

5 adding on

Spine sensing pelvis to head

6 repeat and deepen 

All six

Then other way

7

Left leg toes to hip

8 add on

Left arm fingers to shoulder 

9 add on

Right arm shoulder to fingers

10 add on

Right leg hip to all toes

11 add on

Spine from pelvis to head

12 

Everything 

13 back to right side first

Do things in multiples of 12

Breathing 

One breath each as driving say

Balance

On left foot

Swing right foot back from floor to behind

36 times

Sensing the count as above

Then other way

Balance too two

Stand on left foot

Hold right knee both hands

Pull to chest on outbreath

Do 24 or 36 times

Then other way

This will bring presence in a real embodied way

For 

tension 

"Coming home " to now

Increasing attention

Getting free of thought and outside triggers

Slowing down 

Real balance & strength 

Alright: go to it.

With a mate or not, being mindful in our bodies is fun, wonderful, useful and reminds us of the most important thing in the world:

Which is?

You tell me.

Cheers,

Chris

I wish this for you, I wish this for me, I wish this for us

Your partner comes up to you and says,
"Let me tell you what's wrong with you."

You're all ears, right?

( In some ways of living, actually, you might be,
that might be a chance to be happy with ALL feedback,
and
we'll wait on that one for a bit)


Your partner comes up and says:

"This is what I'd really like:
I'd like us to spend more quality time together
and
I'd like to take a walk after dinner
and
have a make out right now"

Now you might be listening, eh?


Even if we can't go along with a partner's request,
hearing what they want helps us understand who they are.

This is good news in a relationship,
because we can often drift into assuming we know who the other is,
and then it's two strangers
and then it's lonely really,
though we can keep busy enough to ignore it

So:

Here's today's game

Find someone and for 3-5 turns say this to each other:

I want this for you.......

I want this for me......


I want this for us......


See what happens.

It's a three way requesting. You don't get left out.

Your partner doesn't get left out.

The WE of the two of you doesn't get left out.

Find out what happens.
Cheers
Crhis

Life, Love & Learning

Just brain, body.

It's so easy this work:

One day a child doesn't crawl

The next she/ he does.

No new muscles, no new energy, no new "thinking"

except hugely new thinking of the organic sort,

the non verbal sort,

the inner relationship and connection and "knowing" sort:

a brain organized to be a whole new child.

It's so hard because everyone wants to fix, relax, stretch, release, repattern, adjust, blah blah blah

None of which help the brain / real person.

That's what my Anat Baniel Method work is about.

That's what my Feldenkrais® work is about.

My opinion is that Anat takes the Feldie method to a whole new level.
( 4 years training with her, after 5 in the Feldenkrais Method®)

Come find out if you'd like.

Cheers

Chris

360-317-4773

And today, day three of
waking up
and
awakened relationship,
what's a game you might want to play?

Let's take all the digits and the eyes and the breath as our game today.

Sensing ten toes and ten fingers.

Now

And light

Now

and Breathing

is it in, out

or

in

between

When can we play that game and it seems absurd:

talk to people

reading

on the computer

cell phone nonsense

ten finger

ten toes

breathing

light

( and if you want, this will bring joy:

it's no extra cost, and actually, lots of

extra

credit

to feel the joy

as

you

stay

present

ha

yes

wonderful

now)

Forgiveness, Friendship, Kinship, Family ---- Fun

This is just a start

Let's say you got divorced

You
"moved on"

You
"got closure"


Which means, usually, you left behind the other,
the problems, the connection

You might still
"be friends"

but it's not really a friendship, because all the stuff that bothered
you
still bothers you,
and you don't have to deal with it

so you are friends with benefits,
but not THAT way,
the way, of friends with the benefit of having judgment about

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU,
AND
IT'S SO GREAT NOT TO BE WITH YOU,
WHEW

And this goes both ways,
they think you kinda suck,
and are glad to be free

And there you go

This is pale friendship

And here's where forgiveness comes in
and I'm going to just start the conversation about forgiveness
because there are many layers

All the way from
forgiving someone for not returning a phone call
to
forgiving someone for murdering one's child

And there is an inner freedom,
always
in any forgiving

You are giving up
that clinching to the story
that reality
in some past moment
"should"
( the famous SHOULD)
have been different

And there are layers of how you can feel
about the other person's behavior

You can relax about certain types of "sins"
and actually be charmed by them in retrospect

Someone murdering your child
will never be charming
But you can let go of hatred
You can let go of anger
You can let go of wanting to punish

And you can
become the friend of the one you have given up
on holding the invisible hammer
in your hand,
always available to whack them upside the head
for their crime

And what does friendship mean?

And kinship?

And Family?

And can you have fun, with someone you divorced because they
were awful in their language toward you ,
or their behavior?

Well, if you've got children,
you not only can figure this out--
it behooves you to,

because then your children grow up
to be free
to see
that real alive and mindful
and
happy
adults

can take quarrels and judgments
and let them go
and see the best in each other
see it so well,
that they can set up a situation
so
Sally and Ben,
the new couple,

And Joe and Betty the other new couple
(it was Joe and Sally to start with)
can get together and enjoy each other
and all the merged kids can feel
loved
and can
have
fun


This isn't going to be easy.

And it's going to be worth it,
don't you think?

Much more on this in days and weeks to come
Cheers
Chris

Love as small doses of pleasurable connection, medicine for soul, heart and body

I set out on June 2 to write a blog a day
of great use in the world I am interesting in helping people create

the world of

Love and Sex Before Dinner

If you go to that blog, you'll find a daily offering,
but somehow I don't feel like it's a coherent whole

And that's good

Failure is the path to success
and Happiness is one of the few indicators
that we are on the right path

And so today,
I'm going to start over in a way,

and see what a post every day in July will be like,
with a strict alternation between love and sex
which really means,
talk and touch

except that it's not really going to be that,
because it's going to be about freedom and happiness
and so

the rotation is going to be
a
talk and touch day
a
talk day
and
a
touch day

I reference you to this much of the interview in Sun Magazine,
to which I'd highly highly recommend that you all subscribe:

INTERVIEW WITH BARBARA FREDERICKSON
ON LOVE AS DAILY SMALL AND REAL DOSES OF
POSITIVE CONNECTION

In that interview this is revealed from Frederickson's research:

“a lack of positivity resonance is, in fact, more damaging to your health than smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol excessively, or being obese.”

this is good news

IF we have positivity resonance in our lives

Which means:

small moments of pleasurable connection with another person,
in person

face to face

( not necessarily bodily pleasure, but more like a happy wish to smile and enjoyment of another's company)

And touch helps this.

Not sexual touch today,
just touch touch

And today's game is this:


in the framework of talking 3 minutes at a time,
with a timer

and not interrupting when the other is talking

and being present to your breathing and
to the reality
that
you are going to die
and
this other person is going to die
pay attention to yourself and them
and
your breathing and their breathing

and
then you talk for 3 minutes

each person has 3 turns

18 minutes

a couple that can do this can
thrive

a couple that doesn't
ah,
it won't be as wonderful
and
may well be a mess


and touch?

hold hands
while doing this

that's all

and....

do this every day
for ten days
comment,
or email
how this went

email to the right


cheers,
chrsi

How Can I love you more, 2

How can I love you more? Part 2
( these are, the improve love and sex posts, being published in
http://Loveandsexbeforedinner.blogspot.com)

One: take the time.

that's what the twenty minutes before dinner is about
and that's not to top limit. you can talk for hours if you want

Two:
be present

we get lost in our stories of
how another person should have been

in the present
we can at least report:
this is my sensation
this is my emotion
and
then go into the song and dance if we have to

Three:
Listen

that's what the timer game of you talk for three minutes
while your partner is non interrupting and preent
and they talk for three and you return the favot

and
here's a new twist:
Four:
Ask

Take 3 or 4 minute turns,
ask a question,
listen to the answer
do not comment on or respond to the answer
just
ask another question

ask questions and listen to answers until the timer runs out the time

Ask deeper and deeper questions:

How are you feeling?

Upset.

Would you please tell me about it?

I don't feel that we are working very well as a couple.

Could you tell me a couple of ways that seems true to you?

......

What would you like to see changed?

How are you feeling as you say this?

What would you like me to do differently?

How do you think you could change?

And so on...


Asking good questions takes awhile.

Love takes awhile.

We think ( imagine) that with the right chemistry and going out to dinner enough and drinking enough wine everything is going to be fine

If your robot matches theirs, it might

otherwise.
if you want love
you gots to put in your time

and asking questions
and listening
in the present

to the answers

and then asking a caring and curious next question

this is how we can "make" love

with our clothes on


good

how can I love you more?

# 8 in the Love and Sex Before Dinner series, all of which are at that blog, 
http://loveandsexbeforedinner.blogspot.com


Touch and Talk

Talk and Touch

that's the program
and it seems so simple
and
it's
not

so let's say in the talk you want
to help things
be better

the vibe, the feeling, the overtone of your relationship hasn't been so great lately
and you want it to change

so what to do

talk
talk with the timer

talk about what you want

talk about what you are afraid to say

talk about your guess as to what's going on in the other person

this is a lot

this is gold

this is why relationships

if taken as paths to awakening
are so
very
wonder
ful
and valuable



what you want vs. your complaint

what you are afraid to talk about, vs what's wrong with them

guessing what's going on in them, and make sure it's not an insulting guess

what are the fears and worries and prior woundings that are going on in them?

discover what you can
enjoy

Awakened Relationship

Two people get together

they are lonely
or
they are open
or
they are lucky

and, anyway,
they decide to open up to the charm
of a new being

someone who is different than them

if they are unlucky
they get off to a bang sexually
( and I won't go into that until ten or twenty
chapters down the line)

but let's say this:
touch is crucial

they need to hold hands
they
need to kiss

and the important thing is
....

if they are lucky,
they wake up to the miracle

the miracle

the miracle

I am alive
in this moment

and they share that with the other
person

and the other person:
yes, I am alive in this moment

he: I am alive in this moment
I am excited and awake
to being here with you

she: I am alive in this moment
I can feel my life
and can feel us sharing this
moment

and so on

....
time passes
they come together

they have good days,
whoopie

they have stressful days,
and here's the rub

in the stress they can
be either mindful,
which is to say:
aware of the miracle

I am alive
and I am feeling stress
and I want to lash out
but what I am really feeling is..
sad about ..
afraid about...
worried about...
incompetent about...

mindful
and we can be free to explore what's bothering us

mindless
we have to default
to whatever our programing is

which is usually what
Ma
and
Pa
did when they were under stress

which usually looked like
blame
or avoidance
or
manipulation
or
whatever

who cares,
that's why so many therapists stay so busy

bad Ma and Pa training

and
you can therapize forever
and
have all the insight in the world

and if you aren't present
to yourself
and your partner
when the stress comes on

you are going to be mindless

which means
Ma
and Pa
stuff

and it's not any more complicated than that

and it's the whole world
of difference

freedom in mindfulness

slavery to conditioned/ robot responses
in mindlessness

this sounds kind or sermonesque

sorry,
that's my father's righteous robot

and
hey,
it can be a game,

the let me catch my robot and
admit it game

and then,
fingers touching the keyboard,
birds singing and cooing out the window
breath in and out

and I'm back
home
to now

how about
YOU?

cheers
Chris

Ambivalence, Love and Sex before dinner, 3

Here's the deal:

You fall in love
and someone is heaven

why?
because you listen
because you are fascinated
because they are new, which means you are in the...

yes,
the
now

and guess what?  ( you know this)
in
the now
it's pretty much all love

and then
step two:
the mind/ head/ judgment/ fear/ control
comes along
and.....

they kind of suck
or
they way suck

or they are a betrayal of your fantasy
of (finally)
finding the perfect mate

oh, shit....

and then what?
well.

in the world of love
and mindfulness..

you could get vulnerable
and talk about your limitations

and talking about your limitations
would be admitting
and examining
YOUR OWN JUDGMENTS ( gasp)
as your limitation

the work of Byron Katie is
fine
/
wonderful here,
and don't take my word for it
get experience,
 go to her website
or immediately after reading this
take three judgments about any one
of those millions of less than perfect beings,
judge that person,
and
write that judgment down
and do the work

and
back to ambivalence

ambivalence admitted
can cut through the third stage
of relationship

the POWER STRUGGLE stage

To recap the stages ( first three of twelve):

one: fascination and being in the now

two: disillusionment and being in the judgments

three: power struggle

power struggle often takes the form
of come closer vs
go away

let's do it
let's end it

the usual whine: you suck, and if you'd just change 
the way I want you to
then it would all be wonderful again

or the good old fashioned:
let me tell you what's wrong with you

ah, gad.
so normal,
almost inevitable,
and
this is all bullshit

unless talked about from
mindfulness

i.e.
not believing your thoughts

and
that's enough for today

you either get it
how amazing and free life would be
if you didn't believe your thoughts

or
you don't

so be it

don't believe me , though,
don't believe my thoughts

try it out:
see what the difference is

sit in one chair and believe one of your judgments
sit in another chair and don't believe it

that's all:

get experience

that's the juice that can lift us from being tortured by ambivalence
to
using it as fuel
to deepen our spiritual and
emotional
and
relationship

lives

love &

awakening

good

Love and Sex before dinner: day 2

HOW TO TALK DURING THE 18 MINUTES OF TALKING, OR ONE WAY...

from the blog, http://LoveandSexBeforeDinner.blogspot.com

Some of us know
and honor

many of us know
and forget...

FRIENDSHIP TAKES TIME

it's like a garden
it has to be tended

maybe once a week can keep a friendship going
anything less is.....

a reassurance
a high grade acquaintance
a mutual memory nudge

who knows

and in a relationship
if you live together
each day
is a time to talk

each day

and the game we are setting up
is mutual tak
equal time time
talk that is about what love requires:

attention
listening

and even, a freedom an opening
to exploring saying
what we aren't sure we
are able to say

or aren't sure
we even had to say

love is exploring

in touch

and in
talk

and this blog needs to be short
and that's fine

it has some pointers to help you
if you want
in the game of talking for three minutes

here's my suggestion:
for the first couple of weeks,
don't talk about "problems"

talk about:
one:
your ideas
two:
what you are aware of in the present
( sensations,
my thigh on the chair, my fingers on the keyboard, my shirt against my neck, my breathing in and out.


impressions:
I see the screen and the words appearing
I see the wall behind the computer
I see out the window, peripherally to my right
I hear the air conditioner
I hear the cars going by

being present
seems kinda boring

don't sweat it
it's such a nice vacation from being smart
and worrying
and the whole effort of not being present

and three:
what you like in life
what you enjoy

With a partner two and three can double up:
I see your eyes and really enjoy them

I see your breathing and feel my breathing and remember how much I like you

ps,
and a BIG ps:
don't use the three minutes to rag on, complain about, or otherwise trash the other

what you like right

and no back handed compliments:

I really like those rare rare moments when you aren't a jerk
NO.

I enjoy your smile

and
then
all the other things you like:

share your presence
share your gratitude

and if there's thoughts and incidents you want to talk
about,
go for it

but these three are the basis:

what you are pondering as meaningful in your life right now
what you are aware of in the present
what you like about being alive

and you each have 3 3 minute turns in this world of being honest
and deep
with your partner

who,
it seems to me,
is likely to become a better and
better
and
better

friend

good

Love, Loss and Magic, on a Saturday before sundown

This beautiful woman I'm with has told
me she wants to end the relationship

Except she still loves me
And I still love her

and here's the trip:
our mutual horoscope ( the only fellow I listen to in this crack pot field)
free will astrology says:

"When the path ahead divides in two, Aries, 
I am hoping you can work some magic
 that will allow you to take 
both ways at once. 

If you do master this riddle, 

if you can creatively figure out how to 
split yourself
 without doing any harm,
 I have a strong suspicion that 
the two paths will once again come together
 no later than August 1, 
possibly before. 

But due to a curious quirk in the laws of life,
 the two forks will never again converge 
if you follow just one of them now."

this is exactly what I feel with my deep and ambivalent friend:

we MUST end our relationship
and
we must keep something

what you call it I don't know

Let's call it a magical
not really relationship that's a relationship
but not a relationship



And,
miracle on miracle

we agreed a ways back
that when one or the other had the urge to split
we would take seven days of an hour of talking
and two sexual meditation that I'll refrain
from mentioning here

and then, really clear,
we'll go our separate ways

except I feel
we are going to go
our magically
separate but not separate ways

something like "dying before you die"
the mystics are so found of

and luckily
being in a cheerful mystical mood
today
I don't have to explain that


cheers
Chris

connection no matter what: sex every day, connect in talk land, too-- every day

things are going shitty:
connect

things are going great:
connect

you'd think the later would be obvious,
but it's often the take each other for granted time

magical belief: I  don't need to connect
it'll all take care of itself

a feeling of complacency

and then...
this sense of not really knowing each other,
but we might spoil the magic if we connected
and said the truth

and it might spoil the complacency
yes indeed,
hopefully it will,
and
 vulnerability
will open the way back
to discovering
what the real two people really want to
say
and
do
together

and guess what:
that's pretty important when things are good, shitty, medium
any
thing

so:
connect no matter what

do it for thirty days
pick someone
or a couple of people

and see what happens

supposed to be uncomfortable in relationship, part 2

in the Buddhist model
1. there is suffering
2. suffering caused by grasping or aversion
3. way out: enlightenment
4. eightfold path to enlightenment: right this and right that

in the world of relationships

1. relationships, unless you marry your twin, or have perfect parents both of you, are uncomfortable

2. the uncomfort is  from trying to make someone who isn't you, be just like you, or at least repress the hell out of themselves so YOU won't have any buttons pushed

3. way out: unconditional love
= looking forward to your buttons being pushed,
because then you can deprogram that one more button,
and love even better

4. the pathway:
pay attention, deeply
be open to what comes up, in you, guess what , you are perfect and if shit comes up, it's your shit
be curious about your shit
be thankful for your imperfect partner for showing you that you are imperfect
kiss the Earth and their feet for all your and their imperfects
love what is, the so called "worse" the better


Good

6 step Protocol: Deep Change, including depression, bipolar, huge life shift

I've written on this before,
at "6 steps for your special needs child, or yourself in times of amazing
and real change"

and it took me a long time to stroll down the index to find it June 28, 2011
and I was impressed by all the different posts you might read.
or I might re-read,

And anyway: this has "come up" a couple of times recently,
and I love to see how I can do from memory so here goes:

This is a protocol Dr, Dan Siegel used to combine brain plasticity
and mindfulness with many backup and supplemental pieces
to help a teenage youth who was verging on serious bipolar,
not need to get involved in meds.

This is not to try at home,
and could be an adjunct to any real change
that you wanted deep and clear and amazing in your life.

The parts are:

1. Good sleep.
Which doesn't have to be all at once, the standard 8 hours,
but does need enough so you feel really rested,
which might well include
naps
and being able to "meditate" in times of waking at night,
with "no worries" about sleep coming or not.

Which ties in with the last, mindfulness.
To be mindful in waking night time is one of life's
great
and under appreciated joys.'


2. Food
that feeds the body soul and brain,.
with a high emphasis on high quality omega-3 (grass fed , wild caught, you know
the drill)
my food ideas are long and detailed.
you can see them at the
FOOD PAGE
of
my website, BECOME MORE AMAZING

suffice it to say, Don't panic, go organic. And the closer to Paleo you can hang and love it, probably the better.

3. Exercise:
Movement is good.
Movement with attention is better.
Movement with attention and fun and variation and slower and learning is even better.
Dan Siegel just says: Move.
I say, move in the amazing ways of the Anat Baniel Method and the Feldenkrais Method®

4. Relationship:
The better the better.
Core to my coaching is that any movement level and any relationship level
can get better and better.
At least a great start in honest and present communication will eliminate a huge
section of the stress that can push mental states into unsavory place.

5. Novelty.
Break habits, improve the brain, get back to life as it is meant
to be
one of continuous learning.
Love is very close to this,
in a way that whole
books
or grand mystical poems could hint toward.
For today: the above movement with amazement and learning
is perhaps the quickest way to novelty
and my executive coaching hinges around finding at least five
ways to do EVERYTHING,
from standing up from a chair, to saying hello, to thinking about someone you like
and/or don't like, to behavior toward those same folks, to....

6. Mindfulness
Dr, Siegel teaches meditation and a life of examination.
This is a great start.
Being present is wonderful:
always here,
always a goal
always a means
always makes a real and immediate change
always now
and then
the next now

and
even this one


Okay, have fun with this.
If you or someone  you know would like to explore this as a pathway with
me, find a link to the right for setting up an appointment via time driver

or CLICK HERE FOR TIME DRIVER


MEANWHILE , LIFE ALWAYS BEING NOW:
feel free to one at a time
play with the above potent six in
your own life.

Good,
Chris