Waking Up

Waking Up, again ( and again)

Have you ever caught yourself, just about you were about so say some jerky and reactive thing to your loved one, and stopped?

Stopped and taken a breath.

Stopped and looked at the other person.

Stopped and came back to the present of yourself in the moment in your body in this now.

And realized:

One: I’ve done this before, and it’s always turned to shit

Two: This is a person I love and what I’m about to say is not loving

Three: I was asleep when I wanted to say that.

Four: Now that I’m present, I have a choice.

Three is the trick, the life saver, the game changer, the path from a life of slavery to a life of freedom.

We can blather about unconditional love, and if we can’t shut our traps when the reactive stuff is about to come, we will forever be lost to this world of real love.

Conditional love is not love.

Awake, we can move toward unconditional love. And only awake.

Mindful.

Mindless.

Them’s the choices. Mindful we can stop, sense ourselves in the moment, see our partner and say something true: “I’m afraid.” “I’m lonely.” “I wish we could really connect”

Mindless we have to say something that is “wrong” with them.

Or chatter about ourselves and ignore them.

Either way: no real connection.

No real connection means no real love.

Mindful.

Mindless.

Mindless means no one is home to run our show and so it’s back to the programmed self, which is usually Ma and Pa and the decisions we made to protect ourselves when we were young.

Oh, well.

This can all sound heavy handed and yet, there is an easy way out.

The same simple stuff we started with in the first game. With the addition of sensing yourself specifically in your arms and legs and connection to gravity and breathing.

Looking your partner in the eye. Feeling your own breathing. Feeling your own ten fingers, ten toes, belly, eyes, ears & nose.  Saying simple truth.

Seems stupid maybe.

Seems boring.

And, great practice is staying value free in talking to our love.

“I feel my feet on the ground.” “I see your eyes blinking.” “I see your chest rising and falling as you breathe.” “I sense my chest rising and falling as I breathe.”

Simple. Stupid.

Real.

I am alive.

You are alive.

That’s the central plum of our existence. Realized with a love one, life becomes one of “love making” every time you sit down and say real things together.

And it’s practice, practice reigning talk in from it’s usual function which is the relief of excess.

Excess food, out as poop.

Excess air, out as outbreath.

Excess thinking , out as talking.

How to be present while talking.

Hard.

Fun.

Amazing.

And this is for the brave ones, willing to sit down each day and connect in talk and touch.

Let’s try in the simple way once more.

Talking:

Set the timer for 3 minutes as you sit near and look each other in the eye.

Partner A: talks for those 3 minutes.

Either about what they notice in themselves, or what they notice in the other.

Be informed by

Ten fingers ( and hands and arms)

Ten toes ( and feet and legs)

Belly ( and breath and pelvis)

Eyes,

Ears,

Nose ( breathing and reminder: top of the spine).

Smile.

Pause.

Enjoy silent as well as present-talk connection.

Do this twice each way.

Pause for 6 breaths between each turn.

Take a little walk before the touching part.

Touch

2 two minute turns each way.

One : stroke the partner’s hand and arm, reporting in the present on what you notice

Two: as you stroke your partner’s hand and arm, they report in the present on what they notice

Share at the end how that was for each of you, both ways.

Waking Up has many flavors, and they all equal... you

Waking Up

Waking up is fun.

Waking up is a pain in the ass.

Waking up is hard.

Waking up is the only way to be sane.

Waking up makes you a freak.

Waking up makes you free.

No one will understand you.

You will understand everyone.

You could be lonely.

You could be blissfully at one with everyone.

You could be in free fall.

You could be totally grounded.

Waking up’s fun.

Waking up’s your chance.

Waking up’s life.

And this book is about sex every day and talking every day and enlightenment.

And we haven’t talked about the famous genitals.

And we aren’t going to.

It’s all kissing and touching.

And sensing yourself.

And listening to your own body.

And listening to their response as you kiss and touch.

And feeling the point of contact.

And giving requests.

And getting requests.

See how this could come in handy when you get under the covers and get into the hurly burly?

Life in the sexual arena is usually a rush to the finish, and asleep and fraught with the peril of making sure this and that happens.

No one slows down.

No one makes requests.

No one says: now I feel this, now I’m doing that.

It’s all the animal thrashing.

Fun in a way. And definitely a good way to blow off extra steam and create the next generation, and create some oxytocin.

And ultimately: a waste.

Sex without being awake is a waste.

Talk without being awake is a waste.

Keep kissing.

Keep touching.

Keep talking.

It’s your life. Do you want it with the lights on, or the lights off? With the heart open? Or the heart closed?

Your choice.

Fear and Enlightenment, and talking to your love

From the forthcoming book:
Love, Lust & Enlightenment: Falling back in love with your mate, and becoming "Almost Enlightened" to boot.
call  for three free chapters

Fear and Enlightenment

Fear can be real. Someone is coming at you with a knife. A car is barreling down on you.

Move. Jump. Stay safe.

Then the iffy zone: a crazy person is asking for spare change. If they are not dangerous, it’s a chance to rise to your humanity. Be present. Be kind. Imagine what they have been through. Ask their name. Give them money or not. See their soul.

Everyone else is afraid of them. Your greatest gift might be to not be afraid.

And then there is the nutty world of “ordinary” awful life where we let ourselves be pushed around by the opinions of other people.

A wise and amazing sage of the first half of the 20^th century, a kind of cross between Rumi and Osho, of name George Gurdjieff said this was the central human slavery: our wish for outer approval and fear of outer disapproval.

Gurdjieff was enlightened.

This is a book about enlightenment.

He said, “Like what IT doesn’t like.”

And IT, our unconscious/ conditioned/ mindless “self”, the false self for sure, the source of our suffering, this IT very much is afraid of what other’s think and feel.

The simple solution: to hell with them.

And hey, maybe a little follow your breathing and sense gravity as you read and listen and I’ll do the same as I write , and will dig down into this.

If it’s the central human slavery and we are humans and want to be free, it behooves us to go down deep here, eh?

So: what is enlightenment?

Being in Reality and loving it.

Simple as that.

And what is Reality?

Some people like and appreciate themselves.

Some people don’t like and appreciate themselves.

Simple as that.

And how does that play out?

Those who like and appreciate themselves, will like and appreciate you. They won’t demand you appreciate them, but they will enjoy it if you do. They won’t NEED it, though, since they are already content from inside.

And, if they are really wise, they are sensing themselves and following their breathing and sensing gravity.

Why? That way they are giving themselves moment by moment the famous “attention” that people talk about when they say they aren’t getting “enough attention.”

If you fill yourself with inner attention, this is deeply satisfying.

(Extra bonus: because you are present, you can make choices the mindless you can’t)

Back to reality:

Those people who don’t like and appreciate themselves, will be critical of you.

They have to be. They are busy beating themselves up inside all day, and partly to relieve this pressure they need to project this out. If they don’t like their sloppiness or selfishness or lustiness or happiness they will be mad at you for being sloppy or selfish or lusty or happy.

It’s the way it has to be.

Unhappy people have to be critical of you.

Solution A: Avoid all unhappy people. Problem with this solution. Makes a narrow world. Though it’s a good way to pick your few friends. ( I’d go for awake and happy, and actually, without mindful, happy always, always crumbles.)

Solution B: Feel bad when unhappy people have thoughts and feelings critical of you.

Problem with this?

It’s insane. It’s like feeling bad because a dog poops. Dogs have extra gunk, need to get it out, and poop.

So be it.

Unhappy people have extra gunk and need to poop it out of their mind and heart and mouth.

So be it.

What does that have to do with you?

Nothing, unless you let it.

There is mumbo jumbo out there that other people’s emotions and “thought forms” can bring you down.

And they can’t.

Unless they are criticizing you in a way that piggybacks your own internal criticism.

So here’s the gift.

Someone criticizes you and you feel badly. Go inside and see how you agree with them and then stop.

Simple.

Demanding.

(Exactly as is being present. Simple and demanding. And, the only real path to freedom)

They have bad feelings, bad vibes and so on.

So be it.

See these bad feelings and vibes as you would a child who is having a nightmare. Their thoughts are out of reality. They are afraid of their own projection.

Calm them.

Or get them to become your client.

Or give them a little insight and if they take it fine.

Or say the truth: I feel your unhappiness.

Or ask if you can help, if you wish: do you want help with your unhappiness.

Anyone in “bad vibes” is suffering from internal hatred.

How you deal with this is your choice.

But feeling bad because they are feeling bad, is like taking on the feelings of a drowning person because they are drowning.

Nah. Throw them a life line.

Or it’s like feeling bad because a dog is pooping? Smile. What’s that got to do with you?

Okay, enough philosophy, the only philosophy worth pursuing: Who we really are (Love and happiness),  and how to be happy, and what are we meant to do with our lives.

We are meant to be free from being bothered by other people’s mental or emotional dog poop.

We are meant to be free from other people projecting their nightmare of how the world should be limited just the way their world is so painfully limited.

We are meant to see the game.

Good, and today with your partner, we will NOT do the Byron Katie work yet, we won’t forgive/ let go of the story they “should” have done something different in the past.

We will hang out where we have freedom: in the future.

We will say our complaints, as we did a few days back, in gibberish. But this time  we will voice a request for a future behavior in the future.

Notice a strange thing. Most people think these two lies.

One: The past “should” have been different.

Two: The future “can’t” be different.

Requesting every time you have a complaint will change your life.

And today, the complaint in gibberish.

Tomorrow we will write it down and blast it free with the four questions.

So, sit in the usual two chairs.

Partner A: I am alive. You are alive.

I notice these two things about myself in the present…

I notice these two things about you in the present..

Here is a complaint I have in gibberish…

Here is a request I have for what we could do  together in the future to change this… ( No backhand slaps disguised as requests:  You stop being an asshole.

And no, “it’s all you, you need to change requests like: You should listen to be more.

Always a two person solution.

For example, behind the gibberish complaint is “You don’t spend enough time with me.” The spoken requests could be, we take a twenty minute walk holding hands each day. We go to a concert once a week. We set aside an hour to talk each day. We give each other a massage each day. We hug and dance each day.)

I notice these two things about myself in the present…

I notice these two things about you in the present…

Pause. Three breaths.

Now partner B responds like this.

I am alive. You are alive.

I notice this about myself in the present…

I notice this about you in the present…

This was the gibberish complaint I heard…(Do a fun copy. Even imagining what they were saying, if you wish. But have fun)

This is the request I heard from you…

This is what I like about the request, and how I’d like to help make it happen…

(Or, this doesn’t quite work for me, can we modify it in this and this way)

I notice these two things about myself in the present…

I notice these two things about you in the present…

Pause. Hold hands. Three breaths.

And now, without any complaint. Have a discussion where you come to an agreement on some action you are going to take together as a result of this request, and the request having been heard, and any counter offers having been made.

Then the other way around.

Partner B goes through the present and complaining in gibberish and making a request.

Partner A responds as above.

Then another discussion

Then take a little walk and come back for one of the touch games.

Cheers

Transforming bitterness into love: Forgiveness as Realization

Once when it was cold, and I was all alone and bitter and in despair, I got myself a pen and a notebook.

Time to write my way out of this suffering.

Judge your neighbor.
Write it down.
Ask four Questions.
Turn it around.

The happiest person I'd ever met suggested that as a way out of suffering.

I was suffering. The girlfriend of 7 years had left me for Tom.

Not fair, poor me, sad bitter and so on.

Being bitter, thinking bitter thoughts, complaining, get others to agree with me, hadn't done the trick.

So, Judge my ex gal:

"She should not have left me."

Of course not. He was good looking and smart and charming and had an English accent to seem even more charming and smart and he drank coffee and she worked in a coffee shop.

We'd met, this gal an I, when she was in Berkeley, getting her degree in Landscape architecture. We talked design, gardens, roamed Berkeley together, feel in love, had the usual fun of that, drank coffee.

She finished her degree and we visualized the perfect cottage in Sonoma, after scoping out about six towns in the country. We wanted to grow. We wanted out of Berkeley. We found Sonoma, with it's 10,000 population, and nine acre plaza and only an hour from the bay area.

And we "manifested" the white cottage, on land, with oak trees on one side, a meadow in front, a creek on the side, only seasonal, but still, 4 months of gurgle gurgle is pretty grand. And not visualized, but cool, a quarter mile driveway lined with walnut trees and olive trees.

Heaven, and we gardened, heaven and a strange thing happened in paradise.

We fought.
Ah, what did we argue about?
Who knows?

And here, let me clue you in to the generic argument:

Person A:  "I'm right and you're wrong."

Person B:  "No. You have it backwards, I'm right and you're wrong."

Person A: "No. You have it backwards, I'm right and you're wrong."

forever and eve, louder and louder with the context hardly mattering and EVER so important.

Anyway, we argued, and then at the end I DO know what we argue about.

I was right and she was wrong to be spending so much time with Tom.

Here's a hint, on how to make jealousy a self-fulfilling prophecy: spend a lot of time hassling the person for liking someone else.

So we argue and the choice for her got clearer and clearer:
Stick around me and be argued with that she's wrong.

Hang around and be charmed by a man with an English accent who thinks she's the brightest rose in the morning dew.

And so she chose.

And I'm alone.

And I have my paper and pen, and it's time to write my way out of suffering.

MAYBE.

Let's see.

Judge the one you are blaming from your suffering: And write it down.

"She should love me more."

Ask four questions.

One:
IS IT TRUE?

Hell yeah. I'm suffering. She should love me more and stick around. ( Ha! Selfish malarky, but the answers have to be honest)

Two:
CAN I ABSOLUTELY KNOW THAT IT'S TRUE?
As, in the Universe needs this to function. As in, I can be absolutely certain that for her life and my life and blah blah blah, she should "love me more," whatever that means.

And the answer, sigh, is no.

Hell no.

Which means, darn, the statement, "She should love me more," is a thought, and opinion, and like most thoughts and opinions, is not true.

Dang.

Question Three:
HOW DO I REACT WHEN I BELIEVE THE THOUGHT/ STORY/ OPINION/ BELEIF?

Wow. Well, that's pretty clear. Miserable. Sad. Angry. Bitter. Betrayed. Poor me. Victim.
On and on.

And that's the kicker:  It's the thought setting me up for all this. Not her.

How do I know?

Question Four:
WHO AND HOW AM I WHEN I EITHER DON'T HAVE THE THOUGHT IN MY HEAD/ HEART, OR DON'T BELIEVE IT WHEN IT COMES AROUND?

And, I'm just me, here now. Or me, there then, in a garden, in a beautiful town, alive, seeing the skies and the trees and without the thought:  no suffering.

Can it be that easy?

Maybe.

But wait, there's more:
Judge your neighbor.
Write it down.
Ask four questions.
Turn it around.


The turn around is to eat your own medicine,
You should listen to me more becomes:
I should listen to YOU more.
I should listen to ME more.

You should appreciate me more, becomes
I should appreciate YOU more
I should appreciate ME more.

So, with Tom's new gal, my new X:

"She should love me more,"
Becomes
I should love HER more.
I should love ME more.

Yeah, okay. I write that, think that , and then ZAP.

I REALIZE THAT.

 I still do love her, and most of my suffering had been from stopping that love, and when I do the turn around and "love her more," what do I want:

I want her to be happy.

And she is happy.
With Tom.

Great. Loving her more means wanting her to have what she wants.

She wants Tom.
I can love her and be happy she has what she wants.

This isn't theory. This is almost teary,
teary eyed relief and how good the world has suddenly become: someone I love is getting what they want.

And loving me more?

Ah, it means doing the work, the writing down, the questions the turn around on the next thoughts that come up once I let her go, as if I had a choice:

"I won't ever find anyone as great as her."

I did that work.
What happened is another story, a sweet story, but let's just say this work, the work of judge your neighbor, write it down, ask for questions, turn it around, turned my life around.

You have any suffering?

Give it a try.

A pen. Some paper. Looking within. You might find freedom, too.

Good luck.
Bon adventure.

The truth is free, and yet...

how is your breathing
right now?

what are you seeing,
besides this
right now?

where are your arms and legs and
spine?

what are you hearing?

that's truth:
our experience right now

free
freely available

and then the cost:

awareness of when we put a story
on our experience and demand that it be different
than it is


that's a cost

the cost of waking up
is a dilly:

realizing when we have
fallen back asleep

not beating ourselves up about it
then getting back
into the glide

of

now



....

all this inspired by someone texting me this:

"I know the truth will set me free,
but
how much will it set me back?


the truth is free

most change has a price

seeing that as being
"set back"

is like putting a price on your
child's smile

not really a way to live

cheers,
chris

Talking about Sex

okay
admit it

you don't talk about sex

you wish about it
you might complaint about it
or whine about it

and so
what?

no one's perfect
( remember the end of Some Like it Hot)


and
let's have this be one of the talk games:

as you remember
perhaps,

as part of love and sex before dinner
you are spending a grueling 18 minutes a day
ACTUALLY TALKING TO &
LISTENING TO
YOUR PARTNER

you talk 3 minutes, they listen,
in the present,
no interrupting

they talk for 3 minutes,
you listen
in the present,
no interrupting,
and as
much as possible, no words in your head (aka "thinking") about
how you are going to respond

back and forth,
3 whole turns each
18 minutes

it seems so piddling

and most partners talk less than this
in a week
except plans,
day recitals,
grumbles about work,
blah blah

so
here's today:

in your talk:

tell what you like about your sex
with your partner

and
talk about what more, or different
that you'd like

and respond
(without thinking about it while
they are talking)
to whatever they say to you

and even,
curiosity being a component of love
and the now,
ask some questions in
your turn

enjoy

chris

Who am I?

The central question in life
and one best faced before that last month before we
die

is.

who am, I?

what is this being alive thing?

Here's a quote I found on facebook,

A rabbi in Jerusalem was once giving a talk about relationships. 

He said, 

"When you're looking at the person you're with, 

the question shouldn't be, 

'Is this the person I could spend the rest of my life with?' 

Rather, the question should be, 

'Am I the person, 

when I'm with this person, 

that I could be with for the rest of my life?"

And, 

why does it have to be the rest of your life?

How about a half a year at a time?

Plants don't live forever and we don't think a California poppy is a failure

what of six months at a time,

to see what can blossom into beauty in that time

then again,
who am I?

who is the me
that I want to be

to live with me

and to love as many people
as possible
for the rest of my life?


ah, that might be worth asking,
sure
yes

why not?

Love is, Love Ain't, 6

Love is
Patient

Love is
Kind

Love is
Happy in Truth

okay, that's a good start. From Corinthians, which we printed up a couple of days ago.

Patient:
The other person doesn't have to be better
Later
and then you can love

They are what they are
and maybe better would be nice
and the improvement can be loved
and the now and unimproved state
can be loved
and we can be patient along the way

Kind
Kin
As if a good family, kind people
who care about you
and will look after your happiness
when you are down
and will root for your becoming what you want
to become
and
will be curious and supportive about
how
you are
right now

And Happy in Truth:
"I turn myself into angry when you do...."
The truth of our emotions with other people.

Looking at the illusions of
"You should change
so I can be happy"

Which is the root of almost all interpersonal suffering

And the easy question:
Is it true?

And another question:
Without my words about this situation,
what is the truth of it?

It's straightforward in a crazy way.


Love is...
Action toward another
that is
Patient
Kind
and
Leaving them alone while we look for the truth in
ourselves


And
Love Ain't.


In a hurry
to fix the other

Love ain't
unkind
and insensitive and critical
all those sort of things


Love Ain't
the un truth
of blaming other people for how we feel


And Love Ain't a feeling,
though the feeling of wanting to be near and close to another,
but any of those feelings that don't translate into actions
that benefit the other and the WE that can come from love

good

the taste of liberation

Just as the taste of all oceans
is
one taste
.....salt,

so
the taste of
liberation
is
one taste
.... truth



Had a bright and amazing coaching session the other day
many things covered
all confidential, of course,

but one layer
was how deep
and messy life
can be
if you hold back one
"little truth"

and then you need a
little bigger
cover

and then a little
bigger

and other people
get involved
and each need to be played
at some skewed version of
truth

and collisions
happen

wreckage happens

and
then
the immediate ways out:

get present

feel the pain

say what wants to be said

sense the sensations that come
up with the truth out

keep talking
keep connecting

move forward,
and
then.....
maybe it's a brand new game

or
it's over,
and that's a brand new game

but you can breathe

you are free




.........

and then, many a client
has gotten big quick amazing help with
the first question of the Byron Katie work:


"It is true?
about some belief, opinion, story

and if it's not
it's a.....

lie,


and how much longer do you want to
predicate your life on a lie?

how much longer do you want to suffer
from
a lie?


.........

a
truth,

the ocean that washes us
free


good

Beneath the facism of appearance, what's left?

attractiveness is a sorting pattern
that makes sense
in breeding beautiful children

and otherwise
it's fear and scarcity based:

these are the standards,
the closer you get to them,
the more points you get to play against
someone's money points, or car/ stuff points
or good personality points

the world of relationship
as buying selling and bartering your
assets for theirs

cruel nonsense

the only place I've ever heard this
talked about out loud
was in a Byron Katie, 14 day school,
and someone in the B group of attractiveness
talked about how the A group there,
as everywhere had created a sort of ascendency

this was shocking
and true to behold
and it keeps going on 
and on

and then,
to leave that behind....

  what's that leave?

the wonderful world of now:
what is your experience
in the present
with that person

and if things go
awry (took google to spell that, pronounced uh rye)
and they will,
what to do?

be present
be honest
see where "I don't know"
will lead you

the truth will always
either set you free
or set you closer to freedom,
and more truth will help you
see
where you
and I
and You
and I
and we

aren't yet free

yet,


weeeeee!

If you are Single and want an Amazing next Relationship

If you are single and want an amazing next Relationship,
here are five things that could be essential:

1. Make a list of everything "wrong" with the last person,
your famous X.
And if there are other further back "X's" who still "bug" you
make a list of everything "wrong" with them.

Then look down the list, breathe, smile and realize every one of
those traits is you, too.

2. Write an apology letter to the X, or X's for your criticisms.
Don't tell them you were right.
Tell them you've realized that you, too, were the one you were pointing the finger at.

3. Write down the statement:
"I really need a new partner to be happy."
Do the work of Byron Katie,
http://thework.com,
on that story.

4. Write down other statements,
"This last relationship was a big mistake"

or
"I'm a failure because the last relationship ended"

or
"If only so and so had been such and such , we could have
had a good relationship."

Any, and every grumpy statement about your past relationship.
Clear it up
with the work of Byron Katie.

5. If you are experiencing loneliness,
look within:
go back and forth between being totally present
and
putting awareness on a loneliness story/ or feeling
back and forth

In the present any sensations of a loneliness "feeling" are real.
Any story accompanying the sensations is non real thoughts/ words/ story in your head.
In the present, be in reality of now.

Contrast that with going for/ being in/ attaching to/ believing your story.

5. Take your pick and be honest about the pick you are taking.

Good.

How to be Happy, part twenty two

(Two men, John and Chris, on the Earth, above Sonoma Calif, playing with rocks even though they aren't kids anymore, or maybe they are, in part of their hearts/ souls/ bodies)

Once upon a time I read a book
just because the title was so obnoxious
I had to prove to my smart ass self
how ridiculous and assholish the author had
to be.

Not, for the first time in my life,
I was wrong, way wrong.

The book, and title were:
How to Argue & Win Every Time: At Home, At Work, In Court, Everywhere, Everyday

Looks like this:


Buy it if you want:

Here's what I remember:

The guys was cool, won a zillion good guy cases
for the environment,
or even taking on "unpopular" causes like Imelia Marcos.

And his methods were two that stood out:

One: when he wanted to center and clear his mind
and discover what he really needed to know
and
say,
he'd go out in
Nature,
take off his shoes, circle around
on the Earth
and let the truth
or insight come to him.

Two: when talking to the jury,
he used honesty,
as in:
"I'm really nervous, because I really want to win
this case for my client,
and I think this is really important,
and I'm afraid I won't give a good enough argument."

Or something like that.


And then,
he had a bit of sweet wisdom toward the end:

in an argument with someone you love:
Lose the Darned Argument.

Let her/ him be right.

Hey: wise up folks, remember the beaten down look on
your so-called "loved one's" face when you won
an argument.

Is that love: getting them that horrible look
and feeling?

Ans:
No.

So, hey:

dance in nature

speak truth

look at your loved one when arguing and think, feel and know:
what do I / we really want.

Good luck
Good love
Good Earth


Chris