Love and Lust: What not have both?

You can have love without lust. Sex can be ho hum. Or almost dutiful. Or a hit and miss thing that has to be fueled by going to the movie, or a glass of wine.

Even then, it is usually almost dreamlike, a feeling a returning to an amazing, and forgotten world.

"Why don't we do this more often" the passionate couple think.
And then forget about it for another week.

And there are far worse, couples who are reluctant to have sex. The partner has gotten fat, or mean, or  has slipped into tragic habits (drinking, watching TV, overeating). Which aren't really tragic, but they certainly do make a person boring, don't they?

This is why the word Enlightenment is part of the bigger way of approaching all this. Someone watching TV or drinking is more or less "killing time" with their life.

Which happens when you or I or anyone falls into the automatic life of sleep and habit that the world gears and trains us for.

What does that have to do with love without lust?
An awake person realizes that the body wants to touch. A person with love, realizes their body wants to get deliciously close to their partner.
An awake person remembers the sweetness of sex and returns often, for delight, renewal and connection.

Simple version: love is better, much better with sex as an almost daily nourishment.


And going the other way: sex every day without love could keep people kind of young and perky, and from what I've seen, usually leads to a restless prowl into the messy worlds of polygamy. Not that this is a morally "bad" way to live.

And, this is messy.

I've never seen the theoretically wonderful world of sharing and non-jealousy actually happen.

And, if you want to be awake in the world, and stay healthy, and be of benefit to the "Saving the World" necessity, you don't really have time for all the anguished back and forth emotional "processing" (attacking and complaining and half-assed psychology, usually) that all Open Love situations seem to require.

And, what if, just what if, you had sex daily and didn't really love the person?

Seems to me, you'd grow to love the person.

And maybe not. If you were afraid to talk to them, or even more important, afraid to listen to them, love could stagnate.

So, you'd be getting your dessert and no dinner.

Sounds like starvation would come soon.

What do you think?

Love and Learning, a bit of a rewrite

Love and Learning

And back to love.

Love, without which life is really not living.

And love, where we run into the “minor problem” (joke, this is HUGE) that we still have buttons and our mate still has buttons, and unless we have everything locked into place, we are going to disturb them and they are going to disturb us. Which is to say: if we are zombie/ robots, we might have an “orderly” life that avoids all problems. But how dull, eh?

So let’s play a couple of variations that could make a HUGE difference in the “problem” of people being different.

Which, when you think about it, is a chance for people to REALLY learn to love, because loving a copy of yourself is pretty weak. (To say nothing of most people basically hating themselves, which makes loving a carbon copy weak.)

This game is really up to you to invent, and here are a couple of great starts:

Love and Learning Game #1:

1. The standard lie: Allow yourself to experience this way of seeing one of your conflicts with your mate and/ or anyone.
   1) “It’s all their problem.”
   2) “If they’d just change, everything would be alright/ okay/ better/ fixed.”
     You know the drill. This is the bullshit we always fall for. 
2. Hang out here. Stand or sit in the “their fault” chair or place. Experience how much pain you feel. Actually let your body cramp in and your breathing clamp down and grit your teeth and tighten fists, or whatever your body/ emotions feel like in this state.
   
3. The uncommon shift: “What can I do to help this situation?”

Yes. This is hell/ hard/ uncommon.

And, do it anyway. Think of just ONE thing you can do to help the situation.

Step to another spot or sit in another chair. Imagine doing that thing. Feel in your body and heart and soul how you feel different if YOU do something new.

Feel and shape your body.

D. LEARNING IS NOTICING THE DIFFERENCE

Go back and forth between the “your fault” chair or spot and what you feel in body and soul and emotion there, and the “I can do at least one thing different” chair or spot.

Keep noticing the difference.

E. ACTION. If you are feeling brave, go do the thing.

See, feel, notice, learn from what happens when YOU do something difference instead of waiting around for the other person to “shape up.”

This may sound like Ann Landers.

So what?

The goal isn’t to get you/ me/ anyone to wake up to the obvious: we are part of the problem. Though that’s a nice “side effect.”

The goal is learning: these are very, very different ways of looking at the world.

See, feel and know that so they are available to you. The more honest we can get with how painful it is for US to be in the “you’re the one to blame” chair or spot, the more we have a chance of living a free and loving life.

This is what we want, right?

Happiness vs unhappiness.

Power vs powerlessness.

Learning vs stuck-ness

Good. Play this game any time you are unhappy.

Huh?

PLAY THIS GAME ANY TIME YOU ARE UNHAPPY.

And now, let’s do kind of the same thing again:

Love and Learning Game #2:

1. This gets even more brutal. But it’s the way we operate. In stance A, take the belief that you aren’t getting something you want. You aren’t being appreciated, or loved, or something. Take the role of victim.

Again, have a chair or a spot that is the “poor me” spot. Really get into feeling this in your body.

2. Now, think about what you really want for BOTH of you. Let’s call this the “we goal.”
   Go to another spot or chair. Feel the difference when you are clear on a “we goal.”

The “we goal” is what you want for both of you.

C. Go back and forth between, poor me and what you want for poor of you. Different thinking, different heart, different spot, different feeling and sensations in your notice.

Notice, notice, notice.

Learn, learn, learn.

So, in one stance: “You are too busy to spend time with me.” Feel all the poor me bullshit in this.

Vs. the “we goal”: I’d love to have quality time together, relaxed and enjoying each other’s company. Feel the truth and love and possibilities in this one.

This is beginning to wake up to what love is: wanting the best for the other person. 

If you are in love with, or in relationship with another person, you want this. The “we goal” is the heart’s honest wish for the both of you to be connected and caring and loving and happy.

All people have goals to that effect.

Maybe not consciously. But they are down there.

Think of how powerful Dicken’s Christmas Tale is over and over and over and Scrooge wakes up to the self in him who cares and loves.

Hmmm. Might be a good idea to get some “we goals” together, eh? Somewhat like wedding vows.

We can be miserable in the “me, me, me” world.

The world of the baby: I want what I want when I want it. Which is now.

Or we can wake up and wish the best for both of us. All of us.

Love can be a bigger world.

“We goals” are one way to that bigger goal.

Try it out for awhile and see what happens.

Sex every day + spirituality + mindfulness + connection = heaven

Sex every day is good.

Except, I was assuming that everyone who had sex every day, like Carol and I do, would have the delicious spiritual and friendship connection that Carol and I have.

And, duh, I've realized that this is not true.

Deeply hot sex, good in the short run to really jazz up your life, if not combined with a commitment to being present and a delight in nourishing the other.

And a patience for letting the other have their delight.

And a thrill with NOT going to climax.

Life is thrilling and sex is part of that thrill.

But, without mindfulness, life is wasted.

Always.

In work, if you aren't mindful, you may get things done, even done well, but there is no YOU there.

In play, if you aren't mindful, you may have deep satisfaction and enjoyment, and if things don't "go your way," you will have a meltdown.

Play with mindfulness, means that you feel at the middle of your actions the MOST IMPORTANT THING: which is?

You are alive.

Right now.

That's what play does: help you realize that you, right now, are alive, and that right now, LIFE is flooding through you, and this is good.

And sex, if awake, if present, then this is another play that helps not only nourish the excitement of being alive.

And CONNECTION.

And the thrill of being present to this very moment, its pleasure, its taste of love, its giving, its receiving.

It's a lot of everything.

And it's now.

And to be aware of the now as you are in the now: this is the way life is lived when you are AWAKE and aware and in the moment.

So: what's the deal.

Slow down in sex.

Don't go for the climax.

Spend time in non-repicrocal sex, where you are giving and present and the thrill of being present and giving is your delight.

Give.

Slow down.

Enjoy.

No hurry.

Lots of love.

This is a chance, daily, nightly to become closer to being the real you.

And what is the real you?

Keep asking this: this is one of life's great questions: who are you, really?

Day Fifteen, Enlightenment as Forgiveness, part one

Day Fifteen

Enlightenment 

As the First Stage of Forgiveness

Take something that someone did “wrong” to you.

Choose two chairs.

This is the game, to go back and forth between these two chairs.

Here’s the game..

Enlightenment as Forgiveness Game #1:

Think of a minor “crime” someone has committed.

They’ve said something you don’t like.

They’ve supposedly insulted you.

They didn’t return a call.

Didn’t treat you with respect.

On, and on.

Not major.

Not breaking any laws.

Just the normal troubles of living around other humans with their busy lives, and selfish ways, and habits and ongoing sleep.

Oh, well.

They did something.

You decided to get tweaked by it.

The game requires two chairs.

Remember the meta-concept: Learning is the noticing of a difference that makes a difference.

This is about that.

It is not about “being good.”

So here goes.

Sit in the chair we’ll call SUFFERING

In this chair listen to the words in your head that justify your suffering.

They are almost over and over about how this person did such and such wrong. How it’s not fair, or mean, or selfish or something.

Anyway, sit in the chair and go over and over the words.

Now

Shift.

To a chair we’ll call: BEING PRESENT

In this chair, look at the world around you.

Notice your breathing. Your breathing in and your breathing out.

Notice your arms and your legs in the moment.

Notice gravity.

Have a smile on your face and place that smile about something you are seeing or hearing or sensing or breathing, in the moment.

Hang out in the present.

Have ZERO OF THE EARLIER WORDS IN YOUR HEAD

Just be present.

Like a dog, or tiger or river otter.

Being alive and aware in the world of now.

Feel what this is like.

This (learning is noticing differences) go back to the SUFFERING CHAIR.

Start up the words again.

Experience that world.

And shift. (Learning is about noticing differences that make a difference).

go the BEING PRESENT CHAIR

Hang out there.

One more time:

The SUFFERING CHAIR

and

the BEING PRESENT CHAIR

And then smile, stand and take a walk.

Notice your feet touching the ground as you walk. Notice when you mind wants to talk in a way that causes suffering. Notice when you are present and enjoying the world as it is just now.

There is not the “right” way to be.

And most of us would rather be happy.

And, the choice to suffer is always one of our options.

Hmmm.

Keep walking.

Keep aware of those feet and that sky and your breathing.

What’s that like, to be you, or this planet right now?

To be experiencing your experience in the moment, in all moments, as if everything is “meditation,” that’s one way to enjoy the possibility of “enlightenment.”

So, your choice: enjoy it if you want to.

Cheers

Chris

A "meditation" for all of life, all the life... if you want to love your life more

Magic Carpet #2:
SENSING
3 LAYERS
OF YOU IN
YOUR BODY
in the
NOW

GAME #2.1 Noticing and getting to know our three layers.

Go to a window, or outdoors.

Stand.

If you can, take off your shoes, or your shoes and socks.

Feel your body as sensation. This is calling “sensing.” So, here’s the game that will set you free from the tyranny of so-called “thinking,” which is nothing more than the yammer in your brain.

Sense the three layers:

BOTTOM LAYER: 

Your feet and toes and legs. 

Your pelvis and hips.

Your relationship to gravity.

MIDDLE LAYER: 

Your ribs and belly.

Your back and spine.

Your neck.

Your arms and shoulders and hands and fingers.

Your relationship to breathing.

The breath coming in.

The breath going out.

The breath moving your ribs and lungs and belly.

TOP:

Your eyes that see.

Your ears the hear.

Your tongue that talks (and other grand stuff)

Your mouth and/or nose as they breath in.

Your mouth and/or nose as they breath out.

Your head that balances on top of your spine.

Your smile or not smile on your mouth/ face.

This is you.

You are present and alive in this very beautiful moment. You are alive in air and body and  breathing and seeing and hearing. (Which equals…being alive.)

You are alive in this your body in this moment in gravity ( Which equals being alive on the planet Earth)

Life is now. THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN IS NOW OR NEVER.

We are in a body now. We are alive and on the planet Earth now. TO BE PRESENT IS TO SENSE THIS, IN THE MOMENT.

Life is usually mistakenly imprisoned up above the neck, as words in the head. We miss even our real experiences in the top layer of our smile or what we are seeing and hearing in the moment.

And the choice is huge, and often we forget we have it.

We can come into the three layer now of our real life in the real moment in our real body on this real planet of gravity and air and sound and light.

This is the miracle.

We are alive.

Now.

Our sex is often little more than abysmal thrashing around, if we even have a partner.

And often we don’t. We can’t find a partner in love.

And when we are searching for one, there is the lure of sex and partnership, and even (rarely) of friendship, but we so often are trying to create one of the most amazing, and yet one of the most difficult achievements of life on Earth — a fabulous love — without being present.

Robot A wants Robot B to love it.

Robot B wants Robot A to love it.

Two robots can’t love.

They can just want.

The solution.

Get present. Get grateful. Remember what we love. Realize what our deep and most meaningful goals are.

When, to get present?

This can only have one answer, right?

Now.

Now?

Yes, now.

Right now, of course, there’s another game.

When to play it?

Now.

As you read this book, here’s 

SUPER GAME #2.2

AS YOU READ ( or listen to) THE REST OF THIS BOOK

SENSE THE BOTTOM LAYER, AT LEAST FEET AND PELVIS

SENSE THE MIDDLE LAYER, AT LEAST OF HANDS AND BREATHING IN AND BREATHING OUT

SENSE THE TOP LAYER OF SMILE OR NOT SMILE AND FEELING AIR COMING IN AND OUT OF YOUR NOSE AND/OR MOUTH.

Read just the bold print again while sensing, either all at once, or one at a time, the three layers.

Now, go back to the beginning of the chapter and read that while sensing, either all at once, or one at a time, the three layers.

And the super challenge: read (or listen to) the whole rest of the book that way. (Hint, feeling a smile on your face and putting just a tiny bit of attention on the genitals inside your pelvis will make this a lot more fun)

That sounds like “too much,” right?

And as you read these words, try to be in awareness of at least one of those layers.

And as you read these words, try to be in awareness of another layer.

And as you read these words, try to be in awareness of the third layer.

This is the miracle.

When you can talk to your mate, or to a stranger and have ANY awareness in ANY of these levels, you will be living, in that moment at a vastly more awake level.

At the level of the children who are our guide back into the kingdom of heaven.

And guess what?

When we move, it’s easier to have awareness in the body in the present.

So let’s give ourselves the present of being present as we move.

And how are we going to do that?

Big surprise: another game.

Game #2.3. MOVE SLOWLY AND EASILY WITH AWARENESS 

A. Stand up. 

Feel the floor under you and the breathing in your middle and the air coming in and out of your nose/ mouth.

B. Now move:

Raise up onto your toes, so your heels lift from the ground.

Stay there a bit

Come back down

Do this three times.

Do this almost as if “for its own sake.” Do this for the full and easy enjoyment of the movement and your awareness of yourself now alive and moving.

C. ADD ON BREATHING

1. As you come up onto your toes and raise your heels

Add on BREATHING IN

2. At the top, heels up a bit and neither raising any more, nor coming back down

Hold your breath a bit and smile

3. And as you

Come back down so your heels touch the ground

Breathe out

and notice how that feels in your middle layer

Do this three times for the pure enjoyment of up and down with breathing.

D. Now, do this three more times, as you practice awareness shifting from bottom, to middle, to top layer.

First time up and down with breath: notice the bottom layer

Second time up and down with breath: notice the middle layer

Third time up and down with breath: notice the top layer.

E. Walk around a bit.

Notice how you feel more full and alive.

F. Then do D again,

With three additions.

One: Add a smile.

Two: Now, go ahead and do three times of rotating your awareness to do one movement noticing bottom layer, one movement noticing middle layer, one layer noting top layer.

G. Do the three times of going though each layer again. And add on speaking aloud what you notice.

So each time you are going up and down and noticing a layer, say aloud,

“Now I am aware of…”

And state what you are aware of in that layer.

For example:

“Now I am aware of my heels going up and down”

“Now I am aware of my belly in my breathing.”

“Now I am aware of breathing in my nose.”

“Now I am aware of my hip joints”

“Now I am aware of my hands.”

“Not I am aware of my eyes seeing the sky outside the window”

“Now I am aware of my legs pressing down onto my feet.”

“Now I am aware of my ribs in my breathing.”

“Now I am aware of sounds of a bird outside coming in my ears.”

Needless to say, to do this as you are moving and breathing in coordination to your movement is a full menu.

And:

You, as a living person on this planet Earth, are a miraculously full menu.

This is you sensing and noticing and enjoying the fullness of your being alive. Right now. This feels good.

And..

You deserve it.

And, hey, you can do this three layer meditation anytime and all the time, if you like being rooted into the reality of being alive right now, on the planet right now, in your body right now.

This meditation requires nothing more than that you put your attention on what is always there:

Your legs and pelvis and Earth are always there.

Your hands and arms and breathing are always there.

Your breathing in at your nose or mouth and your eyes and ears are always there.

How marvelous to be awake to that now.

Right now.

Right?