Thursday, January 04, 2018

Love and Learning, a bit of a rewrite

Love and Learning
And back to love.
Love, without which life is really not living.
And love, where we run into the “minor problem” (joke, this is HUGE) that we still have buttons and our mate still has buttons, and unless we have everything locked into place, we are going to disturb them and they are going to disturb us. Which is to say: if we are zombie/ robots, we might have an “orderly” life that avoids all problems. But how dull, eh?

So let’s play a couple of variations that could make a HUGE difference in the “problem” of people being different.
Which, when you think about it, is a chance for people to REALLY learn to love, because loving a copy of yourself is pretty weak. (To say nothing of most people basically hating themselves, which makes loving a carbon copy weak.)

This game is really up to you to invent, and here are a couple of great starts:

Love and Learning Game #1:
  1. The standard lie: Allow yourself to experience this way of seeing one of your conflicts with your mate and/ or anyone.
    1) “It’s all their problem.”
    2) “If they’d just change, everything would be alright/ okay/ better/ fixed.”
      You know the drill. This is the bullshit we always fall for. 
  2. Hang out here. Stand or sit in the “their fault” chair or place. Experience how much pain you feel. Actually let your body cramp in and your breathing clamp down and grit your teeth and tighten fists, or whatever your body/ emotions feel like in this state.
  3. The uncommon shift: “What can I do to help this situation?”
Yes. This is hell/ hard/ uncommon.
And, do it anyway. Think of just ONE thing you can do to help the situation.
Step to another spot or sit in another chair. Imagine doing that thing. Feel in your body and heart and soul how you feel different if YOU do something new.
Feel and shape your body.

Go back and forth between the “your fault” chair or spot and what you feel in body and soul and emotion there, and the “I can do at least one thing different” chair or spot.
Keep noticing the difference.

E. ACTION. If you are feeling brave, go do the thing.
See, feel, notice, learn from what happens when YOU do something difference instead of waiting around for the other person to “shape up.”

This may sound like Ann Landers.
So what?
The goal isn’t to get you/ me/ anyone to wake up to the obvious: we are part of the problem. Though that’s a nice “side effect.”
The goal is learning: these are very, very different ways of looking at the world.
See, feel and know that so they are available to you. The more honest we can get with how painful it is for US to be in the “you’re the one to blame” chair or spot, the more we have a chance of living a free and loving life.

This is what we want, right?
Happiness vs unhappiness.
Power vs powerlessness.
Learning vs stuck-ness

Good. Play this game any time you are unhappy.

And now, let’s do kind of the same thing again:

Love and Learning Game #2:
  1. This gets even more brutal. But it’s the way we operate. In stance A, take the belief that you aren’t getting something you want. You aren’t being appreciated, or loved, or something. Take the role of victim.
Again, have a chair or a spot that is the “poor me” spot. Really get into feeling this in your body.
  1. Now, think about what you really want for BOTH of you. Let’s call this the “we goal.”
    Go to another spot or chair. Feel the difference when you are clear on a “we goal.”
The “we goal” is what you want for both of you.
C. Go back and forth between, poor me and what you want for poor of you. Different thinking, different heart, different spot, different feeling and sensations in your notice.
Notice, notice, notice.
Learn, learn, learn.

So, in one stance: “You are too busy to spend time with me.” Feel all the poor me bullshit in this.
Vs. the “we goal”: I’d love to have quality time together, relaxed and enjoying each other’s company. Feel the truth and love and possibilities in this one.

This is beginning to wake up to what love is: wanting the best for the other person. 
If you are in love with, or in relationship with another person, you want this. The “we goal” is the heart’s honest wish for the both of you to be connected and caring and loving and happy.

All people have goals to that effect.
Maybe not consciously. But they are down there.
Think of how powerful Dicken’s Christmas Tale is over and over and over and Scrooge wakes up to the self in him who cares and loves.

Hmmm. Might be a good idea to get some “we goals” together, eh? Somewhat like wedding vows.
We can be miserable in the “me, me, me” world.
The world of the baby: I want what I want when I want it. Which is now.

Or we can wake up and wish the best for both of us. All of us.

Love can be a bigger world.
“We goals” are one way to that bigger goal.

Try it out for awhile and see what happens.

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