Saturday, April 25, 2015

Be Lazy

Three Secrets to Cheating Unhappiness, Reversing Aging, Better Sex, and More Money
One: Be Lazy

Here’s the first secret: be lazy.
I know, I know, everyone wants you nose to the grindstone, and they have their nose there to distract from their unhappiness, and to hell with that. Less is more.
And I’ll start right off practicing what I preach, because you might think, Oh My God, 3 secrets times four categories: that’s 12 secrets. Who wants that much?
Not I.
Not you.
It’s three secrets, and they are, being lazy, and being present in your body, and “doing it wrong” or doing it non-habitually.
And further in keeping with being lazy. I’ll just write one a day. ( I do a chapter a day. One is enough. One is a lot. This whole book has been written, to this point by April 25, 2015. It started March 21, 2015. Less is more.)

There was a time awhile back when my son and I, on the phone, got in a tiff about something.
Who knows what?
The usual human bullshit which boils down to “I’m right and you’re wrong,”  “No, No, you have it backwards: I’m right and you’re wrong.”
And on and on.
So we got off the phone in mutually bad moods.
I got lazy about winning the argument. I called back, and said I didn’t care who was right. That our connection was what mattered, and to hell with whatever we were arguing about.

And so laziness in winning arguments with others, especially your mate or your kids, can make a big dent in cheating unhappiness.
Another place laziness is actually reality, when you think you have “too much to do.”
You probably do.
And a lot of unhappiness comes from trying to think about doing it all at once, or within a time frame.
Sometimes it’s good to write down the time frame so you don’t have to think about it.
But the lazy and sane thing to do, no matter what: do one small thing at a time, and figure out how to enjoy it.

Lazy means enjoying the roses along the way. Happiness means enjoying the roses along the way.

And reversing aging and laziness: Take a nap every two hours. Even two minutes in your chair, ten minutes on the floor, eight minutes on the lawn, twenty minutes on your bed.
Combine it with visualizing sweet clouds, or deepening your breath (secret 2: get into your body in the present). Combine it with sensing any part of yourself that needs relaxing.
You’ll live longer.
You’ll be nicer at the end of the day.

Lazy and sex.
Let’s make this short.
Don’t rush to the climax.
Enjoy the pleasure exactly as it is.
Look at your partner.
Talk to your partner.
Keep communication and humor going.
Be happy.

Lazy and money.
Oh, my.
Here we are at the grindstone again, and , like jogging and bikhram yoga, ( and drinking) overwork is a well known way to stuff your unhappiness by numbing out to it.
And, you aren’t reading a book on Love, Lust and Enlightenment if you want to stuff your unhappiness on the way to making as wonderful an amount of money as you wish to make.

So, rather than go into it in any depth at all, I’ll be true again to my laziness and say what you already know: there is an easier and more enjoyable path to whatever you need or want to do it your work.
Find it.

Ah, ha.

Talk today:
2 minute turns:

Look at your partner.
Have a complaint in your head.
Feel how awful that feels in your body.

Look at their face and eyes and breathing.
Get too lazy to hold on to that thought.

Then talk only what you sense and notice in the present, or your appreciations of them.

At two minutes, pause. Breathe a bunch of times together and do this the other way around.

Go back and forth at least three times each way.

Same theme:

2 foot massages of 2 minutes:

One, trying to “do it right.”
Two, being lazy, and having fun for you as well as them.

Go both ways.

Compare the difference in giving and getting.

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Waking Up

Waking Up, again ( and again)

Have you ever caught yourself, just about you were about so say some jerky and reactive thing to your loved one, and stopped?
Stopped and taken a breath.
Stopped and looked at the other person.
Stopped and came back to the present of yourself in the moment in your body in this now.
And realized:
One: I’ve done this before, and it’s always turned to shit
Two: This is a person I love and what I’m about to say is not loving
Three: I was asleep when I wanted to say that.
Four: Now that I’m present, I have a choice.

Three is the trick, the life saver, the game changer, the path from a life of slavery to a life of freedom.
We can blather about unconditional love, and if we can’t shut our traps when the reactive stuff is about to come, we will forever be lost to this world of real love.
Conditional love is not love.
Awake, we can move toward unconditional love. And only awake.

Them’s the choices. Mindful we can stop, sense ourselves in the moment, see our partner and say something true: “I’m afraid.” “I’m lonely.” “I wish we could really connect”
Mindless we have to say something that is “wrong” with them.
Or chatter about ourselves and ignore them.

Either way: no real connection.
No real connection means no real love.

Mindless means no one is home to run our show and so it’s back to the programmed self, which is usually Ma and Pa and the decisions we made to protect ourselves when we were young.

Oh, well.

This can all sound heavy handed and yet, there is an easy way out.
The same simple stuff we started with in the first game. With the addition of sensing yourself specifically in your arms and legs and connection to gravity and breathing.

Looking your partner in the eye. Feeling your own breathing. Feeling your own ten fingers, ten toes, belly, eyes, ears & nose.  Saying simple truth.
Seems stupid maybe.
Seems boring.
And, great practice is staying value free in talking to our love.
“I feel my feet on the ground.” “I see your eyes blinking.” “I see your chest rising and falling as you breathe.” “I sense my chest rising and falling as I breathe.”
Simple. Stupid.
I am alive.
You are alive.
That’s the central plum of our existence. Realized with a love one, life becomes one of “love making” every time you sit down and say real things together.

And it’s practice, practice reigning talk in from it’s usual function which is the relief of excess.
Excess food, out as poop.
Excess air, out as outbreath.
Excess thinking , out as talking.

How to be present while talking.

And this is for the brave ones, willing to sit down each day and connect in talk and touch.

Let’s try in the simple way once more.

Set the timer for 3 minutes as you sit near and look each other in the eye.
Partner A: talks for those 3 minutes.
Either about what they notice in themselves, or what they notice in the other.
Be informed by
Ten fingers ( and hands and arms)
Ten toes ( and feet and legs)
Belly ( and breath and pelvis)
Nose ( breathing and reminder: top of the spine).

Enjoy silent as well as present-talk connection.

Do this twice each way.

Pause for 6 breaths between each turn.
Take a little walk before the touching part.

2 two minute turns each way.

One : stroke the partner’s hand and arm, reporting in the present on what you notice
Two: as you stroke your partner’s hand and arm, they report in the present on what they notice

Share at the end how that was for each of you, both ways.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Passion, Purpose, Play, Presence.

Passion, Purpose, Play, Presence

Many relationships start in passion. Hallelujah!
This is fun, exhilarating, exciting, gives hope, floods the system with ocytocin, gets each person to realize they aren’t alone in the universe.
And more.
Presence happens. At least in the bed. They get our of their head. The moment feels good enough to be present.
Play happens. Silliness sneaks in, and games are played.
This is good.

And, then, sad face…. Passion fades.
There is not a purpose agreed to be present, and in the talking part of the relationship an inevitable shift takes place, from loving the other to ego function kicking back in.
In the love part, this other person is different and that’s fascinating. Like children, excited with the new and the unknown, when we are new lovers we are thrilled at the differences.
And then the ego function ( there being no such thing as “ego,” it’s just the pattern of conditioning wrapped around self-image and the me-me-me principle) kicks in and the different is wrong.
Ego function wants others to think, feel, act, smell, be like them. Eat like them. Be unhappy like them. Complain like them. Hate the same people they hate.
And so on.
 A boring way to live, to be sure, and it’s the lot of 99% of humanity.

Presence fades even from sex. Or maybe not, but sex becomes a relief valve, not a playground.

And purpose that never was there goes a couple of ways:
Creating harmony within boredom.
Creating some business together.
Having kids.

Kids gives a purpose and is the one area in life where many people can actually live more in love than in ego function.

So now the couple, though the passion is slipping and presence is there only in some of the slipping passion, at least has play time with the kids.
And they have a purpose. Kids are almost impossible, even the best ones, so the couple has to talk things through, listen to each other, discover solutions.
Many couples fight over how to raise children.
They don’t have a purpose of listening to another point of view.
Ah, here comes the divorce. ( Mine was that. Many years ago. Alas. We make mistakes. We learn)

And what would an awakened relationship be doing so that passion, purpose, play and presence could be there in the beginning, middle and end?

One, start from purpose and presence.
Notice all the exercises/ games in this book are about being present as you talk and present as you touch.
Start the sex in touch.
Start the foreplay in honest and present talk..

Two, have these purposes.
To be present. Always.
To be kind. Always.
To see any button being pushed as an opportunity to work on oneself.
Because, this is an overriding purpose: to learn unconditional love.
Which is a subset of enlightenment, and mutual enlightenment is a purpose of the awakened relationship.

And from that, awakened passion is an eyes open, slow, communicative, requesting and listening and not in a rush thing.
And it’s great.
And it gets better and better.

Play comes, kids or no, because life without being driven by the ego function can continually be fascinated by this very different being with whom intimacy is growing and growing and growing.

If you’ve read the book this far and done the games, you are well on the way.
Keep it up.


Monday, April 20, 2015

Waking Up has many flavors, and they all equal... you

Waking Up

Waking up is fun.
Waking up is a pain in the ass.
Waking up is hard.
Waking up is the only way to be sane.
Waking up makes you a freak.
Waking up makes you free.
No one will understand you.
You will understand everyone.
You could be lonely.
You could be blissfully at one with everyone.
You could be in free fall.
You could be totally grounded.

Waking up’s fun.
Waking up’s your chance.
Waking up’s life.

And this book is about sex every day and talking every day and enlightenment.
And we haven’t talked about the famous genitals.
And we aren’t going to.

It’s all kissing and touching.
And sensing yourself.
And listening to your own body.
And listening to their response as you kiss and touch.

And feeling the point of contact.
And giving requests.
And getting requests.

See how this could come in handy when you get under the covers and get into the hurly burly?
Life in the sexual arena is usually a rush to the finish, and asleep and fraught with the peril of making sure this and that happens.
No one slows down.
No one makes requests.
No one says: now I feel this, now I’m doing that.

It’s all the animal thrashing.
Fun in a way. And definitely a good way to blow off extra steam and create the next generation, and create some oxytocin.
And ultimately: a waste.

Sex without being awake is a waste.
Talk without being awake is a waste.

Keep kissing.
Keep touching.
Keep talking.

It’s your life. Do you want it with the lights on, or the lights off? With the heart open? Or the heart closed?

Your choice.

Saturday, April 18, 2015

listening deeper, from the forthcoming book: Love, Lust and Enlightenment

Listening Deeper

We hear the words. If we are lucky, we hear them fully in the ONLY LISTENING mode, where we are not busy having auditory hallucinations (aka “thinking”) about what we are going to say in response.
We hear the words on a good day.
And what else is being said?
What are they feeling?
What are we feeling about what they are saying and about what they are feeling?
What are their body sensations?
What are our body sensations about what we are hearing and what we are feeling and what they are feeling and what they are sensing in their bodies?

Don’t try to untangle that all.
It’s simple:

All three are listening and one level all the time.
All three are communicating at one level all the time.

Most of us have a ways to go in getting these subtle messages inside ourselves and inside our partner.
Oh well.

What a great new thing to learn.

Partner A:
Talk for two minutes.

Partner B:
I heard you say this in words. Did I miss anything?

Go back and forth until it’s a yes.

Partner B, continuing:
This is my guess about what you were feeling when you were talking

Partner A, shares how close or far that was

Partner B, continuing.
This is how I am feeling in my body right now….
This is my guess about how you are feeling in your body right now…

Go back and forth and see what you can learn from each other about this. Remember COAL

See what happens.
Take lots of three breath pauses.
Do this both ways.

Several times, if you have time.

Touch today

Kiss the hand and arm:
2 minutes: just do it
2 minutes: pay attention to your guess of their feelings and sensations
2 minutes: all the above plus your feelings and sensations

Do both ways

Compare the 3 modes in both giving and getting



Thursday, April 16, 2015

Death and Taxes.. vs, what you can REALLY count on

From the book: Love, Lust and Enlightenment: Falling deeply in love, coming off a "verge of divorce," and becoming "almost enlightened" to boot.
Call for a free pdf of the first four chapters.

Death and Taxes
(And… What you can REALLY count on)

I am alive. You are alive.
Someday I’m going to die.
Someday you are going to die.

So be it. Ho hum.
What’s new?

And yes! What good news!

And why, pray tell, is this “good news?”

Because there is only one thing that we can REALLY count on (two really), and that is this moment.
And good news about the now is that this moment is right here, right now, even this now.
No, wait, especially, this now.
This now.
This now.
This now.

No waiting.
Not planning.
No needing the right uniform, age, health, mood, thoughts, feelings.
The now doesn’t demand you be happy, nor smart, nor at your best form.
It is only what it is: your experience in this moment.
Your awareness that allows you to experiencd your experience.
No, not allows, as if it is separate. How about this: you are this awareness, and you can wake up to being awareness, to the experience of being awareness.
Can wake up only one time.

And the other “thing” (quality, delight, aspect of life) that we can count on is LOVE.
In the now, with no words in our head to tell us the we or the other or the world is not “good enough,” all that’s left is love.
Don’t take my word for it.
Don’t “try” to love the world, the other, yourself.

Experience what’s left in the now without the opinion about the now.

See/ feel/ know for yourself.

So, that’s it, plus a little super important note after the talking exercise.

Talk today:
Take 5 minute turns.
Talk about one third about your sensations in the Now.
Talk about one third about your feelings (as emotions) in the now. With no “because.”
“I am angry.” “I am sad.” “I am curious.” “I am happy.”
All those, and many many more with no “because” afterwards.
Talk about one third about what is important to you in life.

Pause three to ten breaths after the timer goes off and the other person talks for five minutes.

If you have timer, do this twice each way.

This is more important that food or exercise.

Touch today
Kiss the partners arm for 2 3 minute turns
One: without requests
Two : with requests.

Both ways.
Pause to breathe in between.

Share the difference, both giving and getting

The “because” thing.
Skip it
Today, now, the rest of your life. ( Except when you want to go inside and reclaim your demons… that’s another day)
If you say, “I am angry.”  It’s true. It’s about you, or your closest take on this “emotion” inside you.
“I am angry because you don’t appreciate me enough” is the old slavery:
Complaint/ demand/ victim/ blame/ avoidance of responsibility.
Call it what you may, it’s a lie: You are the one making you angry = freedom to love.
The other person is the one making you angry= slavery.

Easy as that.

Anger is fine. Do push ups. Chop wood. Clean the kitchen. Even make love (slowly, with now-ing, which will get you into reality). Make money. Take a walk. (Don’t run. Running in emotional states is almost always running away from yourself)

Anger is fine.
Anger because of…. Is bullshit.

We always have choice.

All we need is to be present enough to realize that there is a real you inside who can make that choice.


Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Love as Choice

Part of a chapter of a forthcoming book: Love, Lust & Enlightenment: A beginners guide to waking up in this lifetime in the arms of your lover

Love as Choice

Put your attention, please, in your right hand. Sense the flesh, the bones, all the fingertips.
Enjoy this miracle, your right hand.
Now, please, shift your attention to the other miracle on the other side: your left hand. Sense its fingertips and bones and blood and sinews and flesh.
Ah, enjoy that miracle too.
Now shift your attention, please, back to the right hand. And now, please, to the left hand.
And here’s one of life’s central questions: Who is doing that?
Who is shifting the attention from one hand to the other?
Who is awaring the hands one at a time and then shifting the attention from one to the other?

Is it your name doing that? Your age? Your job? Your childhood history? Your school career? Your place of birth or residence? Is it you gender moving the attention and being aware of what each hand is like in the moment?

No, no, and lots of no.

So: Who is awaring the hands when your attention is there.
You are.
You are.

Not your thinking, not your feelings, not even your brain.
You are moving your attention.

This is the central human freedom. You can be concentrating on the deep indignity of your partner burning your eggs, and shift your attention to the awaring of your breath, and their breath, and your connection to gravity, and that they are alive and your are alive, and where does the indignity go?
Out of our heads and into our experience, and we can always get back to love.

We are the one who can chose to move our attention.
And much as has been written about affirmations, I think they suck, because they are fighting fire with fire, more thinking trying to fight thinking

When in trouble, stop thinking. Come to the present. Get in your experience.

Shift your attention around.

Saturday, April 11, 2015

You do not have to be good

You Do Not Have to Be Good
You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --

over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

~ Mary Oliver ~

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to be good.
You only have to allow the soft warm animal of your heart and body and mind and soul love what they love.

What do they love?
Being alive.

What do they love?
Discovering the mysteries of field and meadow and leaf and stream and sunshine and smile and love ( and money, ha).

You only have to fly, harsh and exciting of wing flap and heart soar, into the clear blue skis, over the bright golden meadows, the white snowy peaks, the churning turquoise oceans, the dark gleaming pebbles the sparkling ecstatic streams.
Soar, fly, take it all in.
It’s all yours.

You are part of the family of things and the family means a loved one and some friends. You don’t have to have children, but you do need to give birth of something wild and soaring and mysterious.
Like a baby
Like a poem.
Like a crazy ass book, a paintng, a song, your own dance of that day, your own amazing communication, a symphony, a new thought. A quietness of the mind and soul.
Give birth to yourself, the emptiness dancing that is who you really are.

And, yes, yes, you can create your own business, but a business for the soaring of it, and the love for life and your partner and your colleagues, and employees, and mainly for the world who is going to delight in your helping them soaring over the golden green blue sparkling earth.

The world is ours to love.
You do not have to be good because you are really good, you are made that way, before you eat the apple of “this is good, and this is bad.”
Adam and Eve. You do not have to be good Eve. Be yourself and you are the whole of the universe. You don’t have to worry about what the serpent thinks is right, You don’t have to worry about what God thinks is right.
Hug that man, Eve, and dance in the garden.

And so today: let’s hug.
And talk.
At the same time.

You do not have to be good at being present. You do not have to be good at hugging.

And naturally, you will do fine. Just fine. Wonderfully.

It’s all easy, this life and loving thing, if we don’t worry about what other people think (which is usually what “good” is, something like the lowest common denominator of repressed behavior to not scare the most unhappy person in the room with our happiness).
What other people about you think is almost always a reliable indicator of their pathology, and only rarely has anything much to do with you.
You trigger them. They tell you to be good, which, as said above means: don’t scare me by showing me how happy I could be if I stopped worshipping my chains.
And finally, it’s easy, this life and loving thing, if we don’t worry about what our opinion of how we “should be” thinks about us.
If we just live.

And this isn’t hedonism.
Though with your mate, sensual pleasure is one of the best ways in the world to create mutual warmth and nourishing.

Not hedonism, no. This is soft easy pleasant touch, yes.
And talk.

Let the soft warm you in your heart and hands and legs and lips and bellies and all over, and the soft warm you in your mind without words and the soft warm you of your soul merging with another be your guide.

At least some of the day.

Like Now.

Hug your partner, standing.
Hug for awhile, at least two minutes without saying anything.
Then take turns of a minute to two minutes ( don’t time it, just guess) of saying exactly what you are feeling.
In your touch: I feel my fingers stroking your hair. In your reception: I feel your fingers caressing my hair.
Go slowly. Do things. Slow things.
Notice them.
Include gravity.
Include breath.
Include everything.
Share back and forth your present experience.

What comes next?

You discover.

Tuesday, April 07, 2015

The Turn Around

From the Forthcoming Book:
Love, Lust and Enlightenment: Loving Your Mate more Deeply and becoming "Almost Enlightened" to boot

The Turn Around

“You should appreciate me more?”
Is that true? Is that absolutely true? How do I feel when I believe that story? Who or what would I be without that thought or believing that story?

“You should appreciate me more.”
How about….” I should appreciate you more.”
And, how about… “I should appreciate myself more.”

“You should listen to me more.”
“I should listen to you more.”
“I should listen to myself more.”

“You shouldn’t criticize me.”
“I shouldn’t criticize you. (Even to the extent of not criticizing you for criticizing me)
“I shouldn’t criticize me.”

And on and on and on.

Today is Easter. The story is of death and rebirth.

And that’s the game today. To die to the old way, which is: The Other Person MUST change.

The resurrection: I am the one who can change.
I can take my own medicine.
If I want others to treat me better, I have to treat myself and others better.

So, this is the newness of resurrection.
We can do it brand new, any day, every day, any moment.

And that’s the important of death and rebirth.
It’s not the big deal, which can happen from all the little moments.
It’s the moment by moment letting the story die, and being reborn with this delightful curiosity: what can I do with this energy of discontent.

And so, play that way today:

Play with the four questions and  the turn around.
Do this with one “issue,” and go through all the questions and the turn around.
Get so “into” the turn around and be happy to discover what it is in yourself, that you can take back as something that is in you that you can admit and that can serve as admission for a whole new world.

Both people write down a “you should..” each other.

Read it to each other. Take it in and say thank you.

Partner A now be the “I am going to work on my button” person.
Partner A reads their belief…. “You should blah blah.”
Partner B asks:
One: Is that true that “I should blah blah”
Partner A answers.

Pause for three breaths.

Partner B asks:
Two: Is that absolutely true that, “ I should blah blah?”
Partner A answers.

Pause for three breaths.

Partner B asks,
Three: Please sit in another chair and answer: “How do you react, feel and live when you believe that, “ I should blah blah?”
Partner A answers.

Pause for three breaths.

Partner B asks:
Four: Please come back to the “real you” chair:  “Who or what would you be if you didn’t have that thought that, “ I should blah blah?”
Partner A answers.

Pause for three breaths.

Partner B ask A to go back and forth between the chair that believes it and the one that doesn’t and share how they feel in each.
Pause between each chair and before the turn around.

Partner B ask for two turn arounds.
The You should do this for me, to the I should do this for you form.
And, the You should do this for me, to the I should do this for myself form.

Hold hands for ten breaths.

Do the 4 questions and the turn around the other way.

Hold hands for ten breaths.

Kiss each other’s arm for 6 minutes.
2 minutes: kissing as fun.
2 minutes: kissing as they request.
2 minutes: kissing and each sharing the now/ now on what is happening.

Share for one or two minutes on how that was different for each of you.

Then, do it the other way around.


Monday, April 06, 2015

Be of Good Cheer

Chapter 4 in the forthcoming book: Love, Lust & Enlightenment: Falling deeper in love with your mate, and becoming "almost enlightened" to boot

Be of Good Cheer

There is a force that grows the green grass, thrusting up even in the most vile parking lot. There is a tinkle, as of Tibetan bells, in the laughter of children.
There is the moan of lovers, coming together slowly and sweetly after the trials of the day, and perhaps even the troubles that their conditioned behaviors have caused each other.
There is the play of otters in the mud, dolphins in the blue ocean, there are those wild geese, flying freely throughout the chapters of this book and the bright blue skies of the world, there are the blue bonnets and the California Poppies and the orange/ apricot/ pear/ cherry/ redbud/ honey locust blossoms bursting in spring, full of bees making honey. Birds singing. The birds and the bees and the bright green leaves flickering golden in the trees, in the breeze, in the sun, in the sky, in our hearts.

Always there for us. And we can miss it, deny it, forget it. Chose the other, darker, sadder path.
Like this:
Life can be a bummer. Or Life can be a joy.
You can drink through one of two straws: one is sweet and one is bitter.
Happiness is an inside job.
Unhappiness is an inside job.

One way to be in the joy/ sweet/ happiness current is to be of good cheer.

All the time.
Things gong your way: be of good cheer.
Things going crappy: be of good cheer. (This isn’t Pollyanna. It’s good cheer.)
Feeling great: be of good cheer.
Feeling tired/ sick/ weak/ pain and so on: be of good cheer.

Because it feels better to you.
Because it feels better to those around you.

Because choosing to drink from the sweet not the bitter straw is one of the prime human abilities.

Because it is what Life wants of us.
(Is that true?
Find out for yourself.)

I have a group of friends who call this “Being in the energy.” There’s a whole way of accessing this, that you can find out about in the first appendix, but for now let’s look at “being in the energy” like this.
Accessing the happy child in you, always game for friendship, for play, for learning, for silliness, for delight, for discovery.
For the new.
That lives in the now.

Go couples, be of good cheer, try this and see what happens.

Partner A:
I am alive. You are alive.
I am going to die. You are going to die.
I notice these two things about you in the present…
I notice these two things about myself in the present..
I like this about you…Pause. Breathe. Look at your partner. Then say it from the heart.
I like this about myself… Pause. Breathe. Look at your partner. Then say it from the heart.
I like this about us as a couple… Pause. Breathe. Look at your partner. Then say it from the heart.

Now take three breaths. And go through the whole sequence again. Set the timer for at least three minutes of this.

Now two minutes of “feedback” of the “only listening” sort. So you aren’t going to be giving any opinions or interpretations.

Partner B’s “feedback.”
I am alive. You are alive.
I am going to die. You are going to die.
I notice these two things about myself in the present..
I notice these two things about you in the present..
I heard you say you liked this about yourself… Pause. Breathe. Look at your partner. Then say it from the heart. Say only one thing each turn that you heard them say.
I heard you say you like this about me… Pause. Breathe. Look at your partner. Then say it from the heart. Say only one thing each turn that you heard them say.
I heard you say you like this about us as a couple… Pause. Breathe. Look at your partner. Then say it from the heart. Say only one thing each turn that you heard them say.

Then the timer goes off after two minutes, and do it the other way around. Partner B shares their self and other and couple “LIKE-ING” for three minutes (or more, you pick) and then partner A gives “only listening feedback” for two minutes.

Ah. Three breaths together. Ten breaths together. Live it up.


Let’s massage a foot today.
4 minutes in two 2 minute turns.
1st turn: “just” massaging.
2nd turn: thinking of “being of good cheer”/ the happy and exploratory child, as you massage their foot.

Then the other way around.

Then a couple minutes of sharing: how was it different both giving and getting as “straight ahead” massage, vs. “being of good cheer” massage.

Have a great day.
You could even be of good cheer all day, if you wished…



Thursday, April 02, 2015

Fear and Enlightenment, and talking to your love

From the forthcoming book:
Love, Lust & Enlightenment: Falling back in love with your mate, and becoming "Almost Enlightened" to boot.
call  for three free chapters

Fear and Enlightenment

Fear can be real. Someone is coming at you with a knife. A car is barreling down on you.
Move. Jump. Stay safe.

Then the iffy zone: a crazy person is asking for spare change. If they are not dangerous, it’s a chance to rise to your humanity. Be present. Be kind. Imagine what they have been through. Ask their name. Give them money or not. See their soul.
Everyone else is afraid of them. Your greatest gift might be to not be afraid.

And then there is the nutty world of “ordinary” awful life where we let ourselves be pushed around by the opinions of other people.
A wise and amazing sage of the first half of the 20th century, a kind of cross between Rumi and Osho, of name George Gurdjieff said this was the central human slavery: our wish for outer approval and fear of outer disapproval.

Gurdjieff was enlightened.
This is a book about enlightenment.
He said, “Like what IT doesn’t like.”

And IT, our unconscious/ conditioned/ mindless “self”, the false self for sure, the source of our suffering, this IT very much is afraid of what other’s think and feel.

The simple solution: to hell with them.

And hey, maybe a little follow your breathing and sense gravity as you read and listen and I’ll do the same as I write , and will dig down into this.
If it’s the central human slavery and we are humans and want to be free, it behooves us to go down deep here, eh?

So: what is enlightenment?
Being in Reality and loving it.

Simple as that.

And what is Reality?
Some people like and appreciate themselves.
Some people don’t like and appreciate themselves.

Simple as that.

And how does that play out?

Those who like and appreciate themselves, will like and appreciate you. They won’t demand you appreciate them, but they will enjoy it if you do. They won’t NEED it, though, since they are already content from inside.
And, if they are really wise, they are sensing themselves and following their breathing and sensing gravity.
Why? That way they are giving themselves moment by moment the famous “attention” that people talk about when they say they aren’t getting “enough attention.”
If you fill yourself with inner attention, this is deeply satisfying.
(Extra bonus: because you are present, you can make choices the mindless you can’t)

Back to reality:
Those people who don’t like and appreciate themselves, will be critical of you.
They have to be. They are busy beating themselves up inside all day, and partly to relieve this pressure they need to project this out. If they don’t like their sloppiness or selfishness or lustiness or happiness they will be mad at you for being sloppy or selfish or lusty or happy.
It’s the way it has to be.
Unhappy people have to be critical of you.

Solution A: Avoid all unhappy people. Problem with this solution. Makes a narrow world. Though it’s a good way to pick your few friends. ( I’d go for awake and happy, and actually, without mindful, happy always, always crumbles.)

Solution B: Feel bad when unhappy people have thoughts and feelings critical of you.
Problem with this?
It’s insane. It’s like feeling bad because a dog poops. Dogs have extra gunk, need to get it out, and poop.
So be it.
Unhappy people have extra gunk and need to poop it out of their mind and heart and mouth.
So be it.

What does that have to do with you?
Nothing, unless you let it.

There is mumbo jumbo out there that other people’s emotions and “thought forms” can bring you down.
And they can’t.
Unless they are criticizing you in a way that piggybacks your own internal criticism.

So here’s the gift.
Someone criticizes you and you feel badly. Go inside and see how you agree with them and then stop.
(Exactly as is being present. Simple and demanding. And, the only real path to freedom)

They have bad feelings, bad vibes and so on.
So be it.
See these bad feelings and vibes as you would a child who is having a nightmare. Their thoughts are out of reality. They are afraid of their own projection.
Calm them.
Or get them to become your client.
Or give them a little insight and if they take it fine.
Or say the truth: I feel your unhappiness.
Or ask if you can help, if you wish: do you want help with your unhappiness.

Anyone in “bad vibes” is suffering from internal hatred.
How you deal with this is your choice.
But feeling bad because they are feeling bad, is like taking on the feelings of a drowning person because they are drowning.
Nah. Throw them a life line.

Or it’s like feeling bad because a dog is pooping? Smile. What’s that got to do with you?

Okay, enough philosophy, the only philosophy worth pursuing: Who we really are (Love and happiness),  and how to be happy, and what are we meant to do with our lives.

We are meant to be free from being bothered by other people’s mental or emotional dog poop.
We are meant to be free from other people projecting their nightmare of how the world should be limited just the way their world is so painfully limited.
We are meant to see the game.

Good, and today with your partner, we will NOT do the Byron Katie work yet, we won’t forgive/ let go of the story they “should” have done something different in the past.

We will hang out where we have freedom: in the future.
We will say our complaints, as we did a few days back, in gibberish. But this time  we will voice a request for a future behavior in the future.

Notice a strange thing. Most people think these two lies.
One: The past “should” have been different.
Two: The future “can’t” be different.

Requesting every time you have a complaint will change your life.
And today, the complaint in gibberish.
Tomorrow we will write it down and blast it free with the four questions.

So, sit in the usual two chairs.

Partner A: I am alive. You are alive.
I notice these two things about myself in the present…
I notice these two things about you in the present..
Here is a complaint I have in gibberish…
Here is a request I have for what we could do  together in the future to change this… ( No backhand slaps disguised as requests:  You stop being an asshole.
And no, “it’s all you, you need to change requests like: You should listen to be more.
Always a two person solution.
For example, behind the gibberish complaint is “You don’t spend enough time with me.” The spoken requests could be, we take a twenty minute walk holding hands each day. We go to a concert once a week. We set aside an hour to talk each day. We give each other a massage each day. We hug and dance each day.)
I notice these two things about myself in the present…
I notice these two things about you in the present…

Pause. Three breaths.

Now partner B responds like this.

I am alive. You are alive.
I notice this about myself in the present…
I notice this about you in the present…
This was the gibberish complaint I heard…(Do a fun copy. Even imagining what they were saying, if you wish. But have fun)
This is the request I heard from you…
This is what I like about the request, and how I’d like to help make it happen…
(Or, this doesn’t quite work for me, can we modify it in this and this way)
I notice these two things about myself in the present…
I notice these two things about you in the present…

Pause. Hold hands. Three breaths.

And now, without any complaint. Have a discussion where you come to an agreement on some action you are going to take together as a result of this request, and the request having been heard, and any counter offers having been made.

Then the other way around.
Partner B goes through the present and complaining in gibberish and making a request.
Partner A responds as above.

Then another discussion

Then take a little walk and come back for one of the touch games.