Divorce + Love = Freedom

Curious

Open

Aware

Loving

Is that any way to treat the person you are divorcing or are divorced from?

Only if you want your child to flourish.

Only if you want to be free of the poison of unforgiveness.

You’ve heard the saying: Not forgiving is like swallowing rat poison and hoping that the other person will die.

So, let’s see how it usually plays out.

Two people get divorced.

They dislike and avoid each other.

They bad mouth the other, in their heads and to other people.

They are certain they are Right, that the other was mainly, or totally to blame.

Since they are Right, that means, and they are both oh so certain: that the other is Wrong.

And since they won’t talk to the other person, except in snipe and attack form, they aren’t about to listen to the other side.

And who is caught in the middle?

Their child or children.

They bad mouth the other in front of the child, and they are bad mouthing half of the child. Even if they keep these words quite, but are feeling them, the child or children can feel the vibes of disliking, the vibes of put down, the vibes of blame and victim.

Many couples get clever and blame the other one for being the blaming one, not noticing they are blaming as they go.

But basically, all disliking is from fear, and they are showing to their children, either overtly or covertly, that the other parent is to be feared.

And what would love look like.

As a start, each person would say: okay this is a fifty fifty deal. I did some. They did some. Let’s listen to each other and admit to each our own part in the falling apart.

Then the children have a chance.

And how could the children thrive.

The parents systematically get together and listen to each other, fully and without defensiveness or attack.

They take 100% responsibility for the relationship ending, and make efforts to change their lives so they don’t treat others in the same way.

They learn to enjoy the company of the other, staying clear that it’s best to be apart, but showing the children that there is nothing to fear from hanging out with and enjoying someone you’ve decided to separate from in your life.

This is hard.

Sure.

This is work.

Sure.

This brings freedom.

And peace.

And happiness.

And love.

A good payoff for giving up being Right, wouldn’t you say?

Vows for Relationship Enlightenment

1. I vow to be present and authentic in and apart from our relationship.

Authentic means true to my feelings, wishes, goals and moment by moment inclinations.
It does not demand of you to match, join, or even approve of my authentic self.

And most especially, authentic does not include the cowardly "honesty" of complaining about what's going on in me and blaming that on you.

2. I vow to have zero tolerance for any complaining about you from me. I.e. not to do it.
Ever.

3. I do vow to be honest in my feelings, rather than repressed. To combine this with #2, I vow to state my feelings only in this shortened form:
"I feel angry."  Period. No "because you..."
"I feel sad." Period. No "because you..."

4. I vow to take total responsibility for all the "because-s" after any feelings I have.
These usually include some or all of these:
a. lack of being present
b. a story about how the other is not (and should) match some picture in my mind
c. a trigger from some past "wound," which means an area I haven't "done" the Work on yet.
d. a cowardly attempt/ habit  to blame others outside for what I feel inside.

5. I vow to do the Work ( the Work of Byron Katie, TheWork.com) on any and all of my stories.

6. I vow to commit myself to your happiness, to your achieving your life goals and wishes, to your need for space, time and respect.

7. I vow to listen when you wish to communicate. Fully. In the present. No interrupting. No interpreting.

8. I vow not to interpret any of your behavior, thinking or feeling, unless you are doing some inner work and ASK for this.

9. These are my vows.
You can join them or not. I invite you to, and that's your business.
I you join them, I vow not to nag, scold, or even point out when you "fail" to meet them.

10. On the other hand, I vow to listen to your observations about when and how I have missed the mark on keeping them.

11. I vow to make requests, not demands. Which means I vow to honor and even enjoy any and all "no's" to my requests, as what they are: you exercising your right and joy to be precisely the one whom I love: you being exactly yourself, moment by moment.

Good