Divorce + Love = Freedom

Curious

Open

Aware

Loving

Is that any way to treat the person you are divorcing or are divorced from?

Only if you want your child to flourish.

Only if you want to be free of the poison of unforgiveness.

You’ve heard the saying: Not forgiving is like swallowing rat poison and hoping that the other person will die.

So, let’s see how it usually plays out.

Two people get divorced.

They dislike and avoid each other.

They bad mouth the other, in their heads and to other people.

They are certain they are Right, that the other was mainly, or totally to blame.

Since they are Right, that means, and they are both oh so certain: that the other is Wrong.

And since they won’t talk to the other person, except in snipe and attack form, they aren’t about to listen to the other side.

And who is caught in the middle?

Their child or children.

They bad mouth the other in front of the child, and they are bad mouthing half of the child. Even if they keep these words quite, but are feeling them, the child or children can feel the vibes of disliking, the vibes of put down, the vibes of blame and victim.

Many couples get clever and blame the other one for being the blaming one, not noticing they are blaming as they go.

But basically, all disliking is from fear, and they are showing to their children, either overtly or covertly, that the other parent is to be feared.

And what would love look like.

As a start, each person would say: okay this is a fifty fifty deal. I did some. They did some. Let’s listen to each other and admit to each our own part in the falling apart.

Then the children have a chance.

And how could the children thrive.

The parents systematically get together and listen to each other, fully and without defensiveness or attack.

They take 100% responsibility for the relationship ending, and make efforts to change their lives so they don’t treat others in the same way.

They learn to enjoy the company of the other, staying clear that it’s best to be apart, but showing the children that there is nothing to fear from hanging out with and enjoying someone you’ve decided to separate from in your life.

This is hard.

Sure.

This is work.

Sure.

This brings freedom.

And peace.

And happiness.

And love.

A good payoff for giving up being Right, wouldn’t you say?

Forgiveness

Other people do the wrong thing.
We think.

They "hurt" us.
We think.

They "should have "  done this.
Or "shouldn't have" done that.
We think

What's in common with all of these:
"we think."

We have an opinion, and belief about how things should be
or
how we want things to be
or
how our club/ social strata/ class/ race/ clique
believes things "should be"

and when someone doesn't live up to that.

we think they are wrong.
and we tell other people they are wrong.
and sometimes we tell them they are wrong.

and the upside:
we are right
we are right,
they are wrong

the righteous bliss
that goes no where

no where, but focusing on their wrongness
and our rightness
and meanwhile
the world goes on, the sky changes color, the wind blows lightly in the leaves, the sun dapples against the bark,
life happens and we miss it being right

so what?
so that's what forgiveness is:
letting go of being right.
it's a longer story than that,
and that's all we're going to have
for today.