Don't read this unless you want an amazing sex life

Week Three, Day Three: LUST

Life is Good

Stroke Her Clitoris

For Fifteen Minutes

This is weird.

This is wonderful.

This is a game and life changer.

If done in the context of Love and Enlightenment. 

If done as a wonderful, slightly bizarre addition to your sex life, it WILL make for some great pleasure. 

WILL make for some daily oxytocin. 

WILL make for a deeper connection between a man and a woman (or two women. Sorry Gay guy couples: This is a clitoris thing. Imagine your own version. It will work).

And, without the love to help you communicate and forgive, it can make things more volatile and out of control.

And, with the commitment to and joy in the now of the everyday Enlightenment we are aiming for in this work, it can turn into a delightful addiction, much safer and cheaper than almost any other addiction. And still: without commitment to presence, not really connecting you to your deeper layers.

And you might be having so much fun, you don’t care.

Oh, well.

For awhile, too much fun is just the right amount.

And, what’s this hooey all about?

Let’s call it the Female Orgasm and Awareness Meditation. It’s got other names, but FOAM has a certain charm to it.

The important highlights are:

Orgasm.

Awareness.

Meditation.

(Female kind of goes with the clitoris territory, AND the emphasis on her, and the one way-ness of this meditation make it powerful in subtle ways that build and build and build.

Female>  It’s about her.

She has zero attention on pleasing him.

She might feel in her being his pleasure at her pleasure, but that is not her goal.

So much of sex is one person worrying about the other, and women, as the caretakers, often fall for this deeply.

Not in this mediation. She lays back. The other strokes. She is saturated with pleasure, which we’ll call…

Orgasm.

Is not climax.

It can include climax, but is basically the flooding of pleasure.

And the acceptance of that flood without needing to blow it out the top with a climax.

Awareness.

Of the touch.

Of the stroke.

Of the pleasure.

Of all the places in the body the pleasure is being felt.

Of the breath.

Meditation.

All that awareness is for both partners.

It’s in the now.

It’s not trying for anything.

It’s not holding back because of “too much” pleasure.

It’s not grasping for “more” pleasure.

It’s just right now, breath, touch, sensation in both partners, in both bodies in this moment.

Meditation, 2:

As this builds, each partner will feel not only what is happening in their body, but in the body of their partner.

This is strange.

This is wonderful.

This changes a lot about a relationship.

How does this work?

This is a starter explanation. Individual coaching is a good idea. And… any slow stroking, for a timed amount, that is very light, and not climax oriented will get a couple moving in an amazing connecting and deepening and waking up to now together experience.

So, here goes:

He/ she/ the one who is stroking the clitoris, keeps all their clothes on.

The stroking person sets up a “nest” of various pillows on a blanket on the floor. Not on the bed.

At first.

The ideas is to have a game that’s different from the “usual” sex of two naked people connecting at the genitals. . (I learned just recently that this kind of sex, with a man and a woman is PIV sex, Penis in Vagina. )

So, we have our sex in bed.

And the FOAM game is on the floor.

It’s different. 

That’s a start.

Here’s more…

The one who is getting stroked, takes off her panties, and pulls up her dress or takes off her pants/ jeans. She keeps her top on.

The stroking person keeps all their clothes on.

Let’s call the one who is getting her clitoris stroked, the Receiver.

She is on her back, with her legs spread out, butterfly style, knees resting on two pillows.

She is rather exposed, and it’s just for twenty minutes.

The Stroker sits in a weird way, facing toward her feet, with the left leg over her belly, and the right leg under her right leg.

This doesn’t have to make sense.

There will be a picture sooner or later.

There is a towel under the Receiver’s bottom.

There is a jar of coconut oil nearby.

There is a two minute warm up. Which means we hold off on the coconut oil and the clitoris for a bit. The Stroker settles down and warms up and otherwise connects with the receiver by rubbing her legs and feet.

It’s pretty nice.

Then it’s time for the coconut oil and ten to thirteen minutes of stroking.

Where to gather the coconut oil?

Good question:

The right thumb, into the jar. It’s juicy.

One of the left fingers, from big, to middle, to ring finger, is dipped in the coconut oil.

The right thumb goes VERY SLIGHTLY in the bottom of her vagina.

The left thumb pulls back slightly the hood of the Receiver’s clitoris.

The left lubricated finger ( I use my ring finger, most people use the biggest finger) slowly, slowly, gently strokes the clitoris up and down.

This is weird and “hard” at first. Sometimes it’s not so obvious to find the clitoris. Keep exploring. Use your eyes. Feel for a little bump. Or you might see a fairly big one. It’s there. She may need time to realize where it is and how wonderful it will feel when it’s singled out.

That’s okay.

After awhile, you’ll feel different areas on this clitoris. It’s a whole amazing world. That will become a big part of the meditation— noticing the various areas of the clitoris and the difference responses each get.

Go slowly. Vary the pace. Vary the intensity, but always keep it very soft. The Receiver can request:  firmer/ softer, and can request faster/ slower and can request longer/ shorter.

This is a meditation, kind of a huge trick, because if meditation is about keeping awareness in the present, stroking the place on the human body with the hugest number of pleasure receptors is pretty good incentive to stay present.

And the stroker. He or she can feel a lot. A lot. A lot.

Both people can stay present and blissful and then a timer tells them 8 minutes or 10 or 13 minutes.

Then they go very slowly, and come to an end. Have an approximately two minute slow and calm down.

There’s techniques to all this, and the idea is to stay present.

To go slowly.

To follow your breathing.

To feel the electricity.

To NOT strive for climax.

To slow and speed and back off from climax.

To enjoy.

A lot.

Why do this?

Try it every day for a week and see what happens.

So that’s it, the zowie lust game. Well, one of two zowie lust games.

Lust Game #8 : FEMALE ORGASM AWARENESS MEDITATION

One of you (possessor of a clitoris) take off your lower clothes.

The other leave them all on.

Set up a situation where the Stroker is facing her feet, and has pleasant access to her clitoris with their left hand.

Stroke her clitoris with one finger and coconut oil very lightly.

Stay present.

Breathe.

Have a two minute warm up, an eight, ten or thirteen (or you pick) minute stroking, and two minute relax on down.

When it’s over get up and take a walk.

Then, if you want to, have sex.

Good.

If you don’t want to have sex, good. For awhile, it might be a good idea not to. Wait until that night and see if the arousal and connection is different and more subtle and more magical.

For the Receiver, this is an experience unlike any other.

For the stroker, the ability to GIVE is greater than you might imagine.

Alas, words don’t describe what you’ll feel and enjoy

So, try it seven days in a row and see what happens.

Summary of Week Three, Day Three: LUST

Stroke her clitoris.

Slowly.

Gently.

For a small amount of time, that is enough to be amazing.

Lots of attention and awareness.

Be present to this present for both of you.

Good.

Week Three, Day Four: LUST

Noticing differences is the root of intelligence.

Noticing differences in FOAM brings magical intelligence.

How?

Discover for yourself.

Way back in the beginning, I shared with you my good fortune and delight to have first discovered, and then trained in the Feldenkrais Method®. This method of learning and transformation heals backs and shoulders and necks and special needs children and transforms musicians and athletes to a whole new level of learning, ease and coordination. And more, with the core of it being not “fixing” or “training” but creating conditions for our brains to learn, at a non-verbal level, usually, how different / new/ non-habitual/ novel  movements create different possibilities for our ease, and our grace and our coordination. 

Kids are full time learning machines.

The Feldenkrais Method® returns us to that state.

We can experience this right now in our necks.

Which seems a bit of a diversion from orgasmic awareness meditation, and then again, awareness is awareness is awareness.

And learning is learning is learning.

Let’s play like such: 

Lust Game #9: Neck improvement via novelty and awareness and learning

This is a game of learning.

With three stages.

Stage One: Turn your head easily right and left.

Notice differences.

Go less far, and notice differences with more ease, since you aren’t straining.

Pick a direction, right or left, to improve.

Let’s call this the “happy” direction.

Now, turn from the middle to the happy direction and back to the middle a number of times.

Feel how this is.

Stage two:

Turn both directions, but in the happy direction do two things differently from the midline on:

One: go slower

Two: go with more ease.

Go back and forth, with the slower and ease being part of your turn to the happy direction, and doing the other direction at normal speed and normal effort.

Rest.

Stage three:

Continue to go both ways, with the happy direction being slower and with less effort and add on this:

From the midline to the happy side, smile.

And breathe more deeply.

And do the other direction without a smile and at normal speed and effort.

Rest.

Test:

Go both directions.

See if these small steps made a difference.

Most “lessons” contain at least ten different variations, so avail yourself of a Feldenkrais course in whatever city you live. They will help your brain and ease and coordination. They are very unlike yoga, and can vastly improve yoga.

And now, back to touching your partner. The clitoris, yes, we’ll get back to that, and first, let’s make life more simple, and practice touch and listening and being present and variation in a slightly less zowie spot.

The feet.

Lust Game #10: Rub each other’s feet.

With requests and offerings.

This seems simple.

Oh, well. 

It is a chance to learn what most people are really truly awful at: asking for what they want.

And, offering something new.

Get a timer.

Set it for five minutes.

Partner A rub partner B’s feet for five minutes.

In this time partner B spends a lot of time simple enjoying this.

And, occasionally, partner B will make requests:

Faster or slower

Harder or softer

Bigger strokes or smaller.

In this place more, please.

Always say please.

Always be content to the request to be granted slowly, not a jump to thing, but an easing in to something different.

The requests aren’t to practice being the big boss, they are a chance to ask for what you want.

And the giver of the requests gets to practice noticing that the other person can enjoy variation.

Then, go the other way.

Same deal, five minutes. Some requests.

Then, smile and take a little walk.

Then, another five minutes each way.

This time the Giver of the Massage makes offerings.

The Receiver can say, “Yes, please.” Or, “No, thank you.”

The offerings are some possibility.

“Would you like firmer?”

“Softer?”

“Faster?’

“Slower?”

“On the heel/ middle/ toes?”

“On the big toe?”

“Longer strokes?”

“Shorter strokes?”

This is all a warm up for variations in the delicate and ecstatic touching of the clitoris.

And all this is a wonderful chance to practice asking, or offering.

Lust Game #11: Do this with the Clitoris Stroking.

Make requests.

Make offerings.

Go slowly.

Enjoy everything.

Good.

You don’t need details.

You need to be present.

You need to feel what you feel.

Remember: you’re not gunning for climax.

Remember: this is a lot and it’s going to get better and better.

Discover: different ways of wonderful.

Welcome to real sex.

Summary of Week Three, Day Four:

Variation is how the brain learns.

Feet are good.

Learning is good.

Life is good.

Stroking the clitoris can be a meditation.

And a learning.

Make requests.

Make offerings. 

Be present to it all. Don’t try for climax.

Toes and Nose: Day One of 108 Experiments in Movement, Relationship & Freedom

TOES AND NOSE;
Movement One, of a new series
Movement One, of the sub-series: Bed-ercize, i.e. exercises you can do in bed

Here goes,
and go slow
and don't do the advanced versions if
you want
and take lots of rests,
even though this is very unstrenuous

1. In bed, under the covers:
Move your toes right and left
with your heels stationary
as if the feet are windshield wipers

do this
and every movement with 3 elements;
a. slow -pleasure -awareness
b. as little effort at possible
c. noticing each movement as possibly different than the last

stop after eight or ten or twelves
and rest
just breathe and sense your entire body
in the bed
legs arms back pelvis head ribs toes fingers
everything
enjoy the rest
enjoy the sensing

follow these instructions at each and all rests

2. Now, as your toes move right and left
move your nose/ head right and left
to the same side as your feet are moving

again not too many
and all the instructions above
and then the rest as per above

3. Now, as your toes move right,
slowly slowly and with pleasure awareness and enjoyment,
move your nose and head the opposite way,
and then when your toes move right, head and nose to the left
and back and forth like this for awhile

8-12 with ease and so on
rest as per above

4. Now, do 3, but fancier:
toes left, noses right,
eyes to the left,
as if following your toes,
and then
toes right, nose left, eyes right, again
as if following your toes

go really slowly
and gently
and easily
and with lots of amused awareness
and
make sure to breath

figure a way to enjoy this

rest and try it again,
with more pleasure and enjoyment

That's enough.
Later we'll get the jaw into this,
but let's start easy

This is a great waker upper
a compromise between the nothing of the night
and the movement of the day

and it wakes up spine and brain and neck and eyes and hip joints
and toes

and what else?

What else wakes up for you?

Play with this and find out.
Good.

An Anat Baniel story: the importance of mistakes, for us and for special needs children

In Anat's book, Kids Beyond Limits,
she is quite direct:
"Don't correct mistakes."

Use them as a stepping stone for variation.
Then learning to do and experience life as richer
occurs,
instead of experiencing.  "Oh, oh. I'm wrong again."

Here's a story:

Cello player, one of best in world,
comes to Anat with pain.

She asks him to play something simple.
After humfing and hawing, he decides
he can play something simple,
which he does, exquisitely, of course.

Now Anat asks him to play it poorly.
"Me. I can't play poorly. Blah, blah."

Anat: Do you have a student who plays poorly.

Cellist: Yes.

Anat: Can you play like them?

Cellist: Yes

So , he does.

And then Anat has him repeat.
And he's reluctant again, but not quite as much.

And again, and he's getting "into it."

And a couple of more, "poor" vatiations.

Good: his pain is gone.

Cool, eh?

My theory: he was so stuck at 98% perfect, he
couldn't feel and try anything else.

By variation on "poorly" he discovered some hiden
possibilities and was freed.

Good advice to us all,
as we strain and ruin ourselves to be more than we possibly
can be.

And for the children:
even a "less good" variation,
is good.

Way good.

Essential Three: Variation, examples with special needs children, And this is food from Freedom for all us adults

Variation on what to do with the left hand. Notice how attentive Harper is.

Once, when working with a boy who seemed to have a habit of getting
into a funk
and whining and clinging to his mother,
I stopped trying to work on anything else,
stopped hoping or attempting to distract him to
"more important" learning, and focused in on the whining.

I asked him to raise his pitch, giving him an example.

I asked him to lower the pitch of the whining, giving another example.

I asked for the whining to come in burst of two, and in patterns of three.

I asked for louder.

I asked for softer.

He was game for all of this, and the whining became a game to him.

When I mentioned this latter to Anat, she commented that until we'd brought
variation into the picture, he may well have had no idea that the whining was his action.

Once we made a game of it, and gave his action lots of variations he could control,
his distress went away,
his pleasure in life went up,
and his brain got back on the track of being a learning organism.

He could tell the differences.
He could make the differences.
He made a difference from his awareness and his choosing different actions.

In another case I'll always remember, Anat was supervising about 6 different student practitioners, who had taken 10 basic segments of training, and now where on their first Special Needs Children segment.

On one of the tables, an autistic boy was busy throwing this and throwing that, clearly just working out .....? Who knows what.

Anat came by the table and asked him to make choices: did he want to throw the toy dog, or the ball off the table? Did he want to throw the book or the truck?

And so on.

This satisfied and calmed the young man, and after that, Anat advised the student practitioner to work slowly, and verbalize each action she was doing: "Now I am moving your arm, holding your elbow." "Now I am moving your leg, holding your foot. I am rotating it this way and that way."

That was all for the rest of the thirty minutes.

The child went home and apparently verbalized in ways that he never had before.

.........

In Anat Baniel's new book: Kids Beyond Limits

Anat very clearly not only explains:

One: research with rats and with humans (learning the game of Go), that supports Variation as the key to improving the brain and improving the learning.

Two: gives an inspiring example of a small boy who came to her essentially trapped in his conditioning after many months in a full body cast.

Three: gives examples of playing / learning games parents can use with their children to increase the enjoyment of their interaction, and the quality of their child's brain (and the movement, too, as the by product)

Four:
Clues us in to some valuable concepts we can use in our own lives, as we as helping the children:

Such as: (And these are in bold in the book, too)

Think of your child's mistakes as a wonderfully rich source of Variation
(And therefore, never correct mistakes. Use them as jumping boards for more and easier and more fun learning.)

Without light the eyes cannot see. Without Variation the brain cannot learn or organize action very well. 

..........

In Anat's article for Massage Therapy magazine,
called New Possibilities: A revolutionary approach to special needs children

Anat says this about variation:

"The more new variations the child experiences, the better and faster his brain can differentiate and form new solutions. The child learns how to learn. Without variation, we starve the brain of the new information it craves, no matter how hard the practitioner and child try, the outcomes will be very limited until you provide these variations. If the child is unable to do what the practitioner is trying to have him do, then something new needs to be introduced. If the child can already do what you are offering, it is time to move the child forward into his next level of functioning"

......
The chapter in her book says plenty more, but I can't copy it off the Internet so at $10.88 from Amazon, I'd recommend getting three copies, one for one and the other two for grandparents, or OT, PT, caregivers, anyone who comes to your child and would love to know how to be far more helpful, and how to stop unintentional strategies that are actually hindering your child's learning.