Thursday, September 27, 2012

The "No" thing; when we say it, when others say it

The "no" thing

I'm feeling smooth and a little apprehensive bringing this up here, and happy that I'm so happy in the small amounts of clarity I'm getting

The giver of the "no's"; when I or we give our "no's" out to people, what's going on? Especially in an invitation to get closer in some way, not the "fill up our time with more nonsense " kind of invite.

There's a Robert Frost poem about "Good Fences make good neighbors," where he questions: what are we fencing out and what are we fencing in?

That's the kind of inquiry I enjoy in my no's and the no's of others:
What in me is making this about my comfort zone and how the other person is going to upset that?
And that upset, is it really anything more than "too much" sensation?

This is very powerful in my life right now,
noticing my fear of fear
or fear of anger
or fear to some "uncomfortable" thing<
just an excuse to not want "too much" sensation
inside me

And who says, when I really sense it without a story
and really am "now" with it,
who says it's "too much,"
except my old "keep everything the way it's always been" mind?

And more about saying no to another's request to get closer:
 the usual suspects: is there something in the other, I don't want to see in myself, and by "no-ing" them away, I'm "safe" from dealing with that in myself

So, it can kind of be a nice education: what is it in me, I don't want and the no protects, so called protects, me from; what is it about the other person I don't want near me?

A nice idea: what is the reality of the situation?

And is it really the other person I'm saying no to, or some picture/ box/ story/ reputation/ look/ stereotype I'm "protecting" myself from. What am I walling out and pretending it's them, and have I given myself the time and curiosity to discover what this person is REALLY like? What am I denying myself with my petty little boundary. Or really important boundary. Or totally habitual boundary. Or totally unconscious boundary. Or conscious for old and not present moment reasons boundary?

What am I keeping away when I stop the connection from happening?

In a certain way, the path of liberation and the Gurdjieff idea of "like what 'it' doesn't like," saying "yes" to our biggest "no" is the stuff of revolution/ dissolution/ freedom

and of course, easier typed out than done

And the getting the no's

If we "need" the yes, then we are a sitting duck for disappointment.

Let me go personal, what a concept: when I was all worried and worked up about getting yeses, the no's were quite devastating and I was back in Jr. High, what's wrong with me, blah, blah

Now, that I'm pretty full, and clear that this ( the OM practice, but that doesn't matter, people want connection want connection want connection; if we offer and they reject, it's a very interesting place to be free and curious and compassionate; read on)
 is something many many many women are deeply hungering for, and they just need to be found, I'm pretty easy with no's

I can see it from the attitude: their loss

or the curiosity route: I wonder what's stopping them?

potentially it could even be compassion: too bad they've got a fence up, what else is it constraining in their life

and then good old Byron Katie, with her quip, so true, so true, that when someone rejects you, you have "been spared."

Yes, the no means, their mood, or their putting you in a box, or their busy ness, or their "not being into you," you don't have to hang with that. You've been spared.

and here's a place I'd love to see us go as a community:

"Would you like to OM/ do something that will get us closer together?"

"Of course, but a no is coming up. Would you help me figure that out, so I can come to a Yes?"

"Sure. Give me some ideas about how I could help you."

"Well... " And a whole toolkit could be available here, which is the kind of thing I love to invent, and will leave open ended for a group invention

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