Thursday, September 13, 2012

Relationship: if you've got it right, things aren't going right

Or, when the you is "too different" we try to fix them to be back like us,
which they don't like
and we don't like their reaction when they don't like it
and the circle goes around and around.

Fighting or boredom.

And is there a way out:

Heck, yes:
Say what you feel, in the present.
As sensation, as feeling.

I'm a big fan of the 5-5-5-5 talk, where each person gets center stage, no interrupting by the other, just five minutes at a time for at least the first half hour or so, and then questions, if they can come from real interest and compassion.

But first, tell your side: what's going on. Skip any "you should change" stuff, and say how whatever they do makes you feel. Not as their fault, but as your reaction. "When you don't talk to me, I feel left out. To say that now feels scary. I feel the fear as tightening in my throat. Now I feel like crying when I feel how lonely I feel sometime. And I don't want you to save me, but I miss our connection."

Or whatever you have to say.
Keep bringing it back to the present. "This is hard to say. " "Feels good to say."  "I'm afraid/ shy to say." "I sense this and that in my body right now." "I see you there, your eyes are ...., you are breathing in and out."

Any reporting on the other is just reporting."I see your smile/ frown/ looking into my eyes/ looking away." "I notice your breathing." No processing of how they do this and that because of their mother, or their pattern.

If it's a "trouble zone," only mention specific behaviors: "When you come home and go right to the internet"  Not, "You never give me the attention I want."

And spend time talking about just you.
"What's going on with me, is that I have this vision of writing a novel, and worrying about you, keeps me from doing it. maybe it's just an excuse. as maybe it's real distraction. but I've been wanting to write this novel for sixteen years. Now I notice I'm looking away from you while I say this, and I feel kind of ashamed of myself. When I look at you, I realize....."

Obviously, this is an art form.
The listening should be just to listen.
Watch them.
Hear their words in your mind and heart and body.
Do not prepare your response.

When they finish ( a timer goes off at five minutes), pause. Try NOT to say anything you prepared to say while they were talk. Try NOT to defend yourself or present "your side." Try to start with now, how you feel now, in this moment having heard what they said.

This is love in action.

Love is supposed to be work.
And the work of loving someone who pushes your buttons and isn't "just right," is what love is all around, because if it's not unconditional, it's not love.

Good, and signing off for Thursday, the night of Mushkil Gusha. Sign up for my newsletter, out today and two weeks from today, if you'd like

Love and freedom in all aspects of your life,

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