Naked Make-Out

Week Two, Day Four: LUST

Concept # 11. We are mammals. Let’s get naked and touch.

We like to be naked.

We like our naked bodies to touch another naked body.

If you are too fat to enjoy this: eat raw for two months and lose weight easily. Eat raw fish and raw egg yolks from pasture raised eggs. That will be another book, and getting younger and healthier and lighter is easy.

If your partner is no fun to touch, touch them anyway.

You are married.

You are in relationship.

No naked = no lust.

You bought a book with Lust in the title.

You want more sex.

You want better sex.

You want great sex.

>>>>>> Get naked.

Three ways:

Lust Game #5: Sleep Together Naked.

Just do it.

One sleeps cold.

One sleeps hot.

So what.

Take off your clothes, both of you. The hot one keep the cold one warm.

It always works.

One of you has a body that realizes that it’s a 98.6 degree hot water bottle.

Make the other happy.

If you are both cold, hug tighter and put on an extra blanket.

Sill cold:

Hug even tighter and put on still another blanket.

And so on…..

Sooner or later, you WILL enjoy the right naked hug and the blankets will probably be too hot, and God only knows what other shenanigans you might get up to.

And you don’t have to have sex.

In fact, try not to.

But be naked.

And…. touch something all night. Even just your pinkies.

AND SPOONING IS RECOMMENDED.

You don’t know what spooning is?

Yes you do.

Okay. That’s the game, except it’s a life game, like gratitude journals, for the rest of your life.

Throw away your pajamas. No socks to bed. Do jumping jacks if need be, and keep hugging and adding the blankets.

Okay.

That was fun.

Now, we continue with the onerous assignments:

Lust Game #6: Ten Minute Naked Make-out

Take your clothes off first.

Decide if you need covers for warmth.

Bring the timer nearby.

Click the timer.

Start to make-out.

No rush.

No sex.

Until after the ten minutes.

And…. if you don’t have sex, that’s just fine.

And… keep making out.

For ten minutes.

Naked.

Try this once a day for a couple of weeks.

See what happens.

Lust Game #7: Ten Minute Naked Make-out plus “Now I am aware…”

Set the timer.

Be naked.

Start making out.

And take turns saying two to five things you are aware of as this goes on.

“Now I am aware of touching the back of your neck.”

“Now I am aware of where our thighs are rubbing each other.”

“Now I am aware of your hand touching my…..”

Why do this?

Find out.

Sex is not an escape.

It’s a deepening.

This will be immense for your WHOLE life, not just your life in bed.

take a pause, now

Day Five

You are Alive

Pause and know this….

You are a human BEING, not a human Doing

1. 

When I was just a wee junior in college, I’d transferred to Stanford. This was a step down for my family, and even then I was realizing, though not with the happiness and freedom I now have, that we all have to live the life We are meant to live.

Not the life our parents, or society, or so-called friends, or even our mate, imagines that we should live.

And in the fall of my junior year, a friend asked me to a study group on a book called, Gestalt Therapy. A bright orange book, with three authors, this book had theory and practices.

One of the practices changed my life.

I was a smart guy, and used to being in my head with plans and thoughts about the past and scheduling the next class and homework. I didn’t really know how to be present, except in sex or in sports.

And the book said to try this:  “For five minutes, just write down, or say…. 

‘Now I am aware….’

and fill in the blank.”

This is easy.

This is a delight.

This brings us to the present, because we are always aware of something.

And then later, once I’d moved to the country with my new wife, and we lived on land with apricot trees and pine trees up a hill, and we created a garden, I became very clear that getting out in nature was a path to peace, harmony and happiness.

Even later, in Sonoma in the late 1990’s, there was a group sharing event once on month. People sang, or recited poetry, or gave little speeches. The time limit was five minutes, so everyone go a turn.

I wrote pseudo poems and realized that I always wrote three and they were always about either

Now

Nature

Love

This, I realized, was my holy trinity.

And so, this is your exercise for today.

And for the rest of your life.

Enlightenment Game #1:

Take a pause.

Go outside if you can.

Sit, or stand or walk in nature.

Be present.

Don’t think about plans. Don’t think about what you’ve just done.

Just be present.

You might want to do the game of “Now I am aware…” and finishing it.

Or you might want to simply sit in as much stillness as comes to you.

Make sure you follow your breathing.

This is very calming.

This is great evidence that you are alive.

Feel your body in gravity.

This is very calming.

On Earth we are always in gravity on this planet Earth.

Look out at trees, or leaves, or the sky, or clouds.

See nature.

Let it in.

Do nothing.

Just BE.

This is wonderful. This is a gift.

Pause.

Sit or walk outside if you can.

Sit or walk very slowly inside.

Be present to your body, and your breathing and to gravity.

Take this as a chance to be a human BEING.

This is your right.

Take this pause, take this break often.

You deserve it.

And it will refresh you.

And even if it didn’t, you deserve it.

Enjoy being yourself.

Right now.

Awakened Love, Awakened Lust, Everyday Enlightenment

What’s Possible: In Love, Lust, and Enlightenment Coaching

AWAKENED LOVE COULD BE:

Love as the transformation of all the bad relationship habits of your whole life.

Love as daily communication, eye to eye, deep listening, not interrupting, not arguing.

Gratitude and awareness of now as central to your life together.

AWAKENED LUST COULD BE:

Sex in one of three forms, every day

Sex as a learning, a connection, a conversation

Sex as a dipping into the mystery of existence and coming back more in tune with God/ the meaning of Life

EVERYDAY ENLIGHTENMENT COULD BE:

happiness, in spite of anything, almost all the time

present in our bodies, in all circumstances, almost all the time

forgiveness as a path of joy, love and liberation… never going to bed with anything unforgiven, preferably any complaint forgiven within half an hour

GRATITUDES: Stand and Say Three, Write Three, Jump and Say Three

LOVE Games, #1 , #2 and #3

Saying Gratitude Aloud

Writing Gratitudes on Paper or a Journal

Gratitude with a jumping and happy body

On June 20, 2015, I walked down the street on which I lived, to meet a woman I knew and admired and liked, but with whom I thought I had no “romantic” expectations. We were going to meet for a lunch and “study” session. I was writing a book on radical listening. She was smart and kind and I wanted her input. Her name was Carol Williams then.

It’s Carol Elms now.

I had a gratitude journal, in which I was writing three to five times a day.

Writing gratitude, combined with writing goals, had me focusing on and delight on what was good in my life, what was working, and what I wanted more of, or what I wanted that I didn’t have yet.

I wanted a great woman.

I wanted a great woman that I didn’t have to meet through the Internet.

Who could match me in smarts and love of learning.

And…. (hey, you can write any goal you want) .. I wanted a great woman who was within walking distance.

In the mean time, life was good. I was present a lot. I was outdoors a lot. I was moving with awareness a lot.

I was writing gratitudes a lot.

Gratitude had me focusing on the good.

Goals writing had me focusing on what I wanted, from the real me who felt that gratitude for being alive.

Carol and I met for an hour.

And then keep talking, in turns (a “game” you’ll play soon) for more hours.

And more hours.

The talking was a special kind: the listener did not interrupt.

Both people were attempting to be as present as possible.

The goal was to listen to really “get” the other person.

You’ll do a mini-version of this next chapter: You’ll share gratitudes with another person.

Back and forth, back and forth.

Today, it’s time to start diving into the wonders of gratitude for you, right now, in this moment, the only moment where you can experience your life.

Love Game #1: Stand and say aloud three gratitudes

Stand up.

Smile.

Say aloud three gratitudes.

That’s it.

Life is too sedentary.

If we want to create a new and better life for ourselves, we need to move.

So do it:

Do it.

Really.

Now.

If you are planning to “get around to it later, when there’s more time,” give the book back.

Admit you don’t want to change.

If you want a more wonderful life for yourself, stand and say three gratitudes aloud.

Good.

That wasn’t so hard.

Did you feel a shift?

Gratitude is a wonderful opener to who we really are.

The part that loves feels gratitude.

That part that feels gratitude loves.

Gratitude tells the Universe you are happy with what you’ve gotten.

It subtly tells the Universe you’d like more of that. 

It has you focused on what is nourishing in your life.

It reminds you of where to go for a better life.

And, here’s the latest research: scientists have found that the brain can be in either fear or gratitude, but not both.

This isn’t the time to go into what a sinkhole fear can be, but it is a nice reminder that there are really two ways to live life: in contraction and worry and fear, or in expansion and delight and gratitude.

Repeat:

Two ways to live life:

Contracting and in fear and complaint and worry

Expanding and in love and learning and joy and effectiveness and ease

And gratitude is to keep open the door of expansion.

So, let’s do it some more…

Love Game #2: Right now, write now, three or more gratitudes.

This means finds paper or parchment or an old shirt. And getting a pen or pencil or crayon or quill.

Preferably pen and paper.

Even better pen and a “gratitude journal,” if you’ve got an old journal somewhere in the house that you’ve been waiting to “get around” to using.

And if no paper is around, don’t let that stop you.

You’ve got a finger.

You know how to write.

So…

Write now, right now, anyway, by using your finger and “air writing” three or more gratitudes in the air, or on your leg, or on this book.

Or, hey, try writing three in the air, and then go get a book and write the same three or a different three on paper. 

Love Game #3: Jumping Gratitudes

Stand up.

Again.

Life is movement.

Happiness is often movement connected.

Sex is movement.

And… let’s stand up again.

Preferably near a window with a  view of something you enjoy.

Preferably some part of Nature, sky, cloud, tree, flowers, ocean. Who knows.

Preferable with your shoes off.

Even better, socks off.

And, wherever you are standing and however you are standing, put your hands up in the air.

And jump.

In a circle.

One way, and then the other.

Wiggle your fingers.

Wiggle your arms.

And as you do this say, at least three times. And finish the sentence…

“I am grateful….”

“I am grateful…”

“I am grateful…”

This may seem silly.

Fine.

Do it.

This may seem like “too much trouble.”

Fine.

Do it.

You can’t be depressed and jump.

You can’t jump without accessing higher levels of coordination.

You can’t jump without disrupting your normal crap, unless you happen to jump a lot.

If you happen to jump a lot, give me a call. You’re probably way interesting.

If you don’t jump a lot, I hope you start.

(Aside: in 2010 I came to Austin with two suitcases and my Feldenkrais® table. I knew two people, who were very cool people, neither of whom got back to me for six months. I’d never been to Austin.

It was supposed to be a winter’s stay, and then back to Orcas Island for the summer.

I came as a couch surfer, which meant I was guaranteed all of three days with my first hosts.

That led to a second host.

And a third.

And a fourth.

And a stay in the youth hostel.

And a place that was very interesting

And a place down the block from where I meet Carol five years later.

The point?

One reason I thought to give Austin a try was that my son suggested it, and he’s a cool guy.

A reason I decided to follow his hint: Austin was supposed to be the “Berkeley of Texas,” and I’d spend many happy years in Berkeley, though I didn’t go to school there. (Stanford and Caltech)

Another reason: the town slogan: “KEEP AUSTIN WEIRD.”

I figured I’d fit in.

I did.

Why are we going through this?

Jumping and saying gratitudes is weird.

Weird is good.

Jump, friend. Jump and say gratitudes.

Weirdness and freedom and authenticity all have a lot in common.

And happiness can come from all three.

And you deserve to be happy.

Right now.

So, right now, either say three more gratitudes, or write three more gratitudes, or jump and say three more gratitudes.

Or all three.

Weee!

Life is fun.

You don’t like to jump?

Yes you do.

You might have forgotten, but you LOVE to jump.

This is good.

You are good.

Do these often: write gratitudes. Say the gratitudes into the air, without jumping. Say the gratitudes into the air, with jumping.

Keep a lookout for a gratitude journal.

Have fun.

Be grateful to yourself for beginning, or upgrading, your gratitude practice. Stand up. Jump. Be happy.

Part of Enlightenment: Four stages of Forgiveness and Fun and Freedom

Enlightenment as a Four Stage Delight

or

Forgiveness as Fun, Freedom and … Discovery

So, here’s the deal.

If we are a slave to the past, we are a slave to the past. We are stuck.

We are living in a myth.

The myth is that the past can be different, or should be different, or even, “we would have been better off,” if the past had been different.

All this is both unknowable.

And most of all, undo-able.

Can’t undo the past.

So, here’s the four stages of forgiveness :

First, write down your gripe with the past. Make it one sentence long, with a “should” or a “shouldn’t” in it. Cut the the chase of what you most consider their fault and sin and awfulness.

Someone should have treated you better.

Someone shouldn’t have been mean, critical, abusive to you in the past.

It can be little: they didn’t return your call.

It can be huge: they were your parent and they swatted you around. (Yeah, Mom.)

It can be persistent and annoying: they were your parent and they couldn’t get out of a critical mode with you. (Yeah, Dad)

As before, have two chairs.

The SUFFERING CHAIR.

And

The PRESENT LIFE AWARENESS CHAIR.

Sit in the Suffering Chair, and look at the words you’ve written. Count the words.

Feel the pain of believing those words.

Realize the power of however many words: Mom shouldn’t have hit me. Five words.

Dad shouldn’t have criticized me so much. Seven words.

In the suffering chair, really “get into it.”

Feel as emotions, what happens. Write them down: feel sad, feel angry, feeling cheated, feeling small.

Write down the laundry list of these six or five or seven words, when you believe them.

And go beyond the emotion.

Feel the sensations in your body. All negative emotions have a constricting and painful effect on your body.

Feel these as in the present sensations.

Realize the power of believing these six or seven words.

Shrink your body even more.

Tense up even more.

Feel as sensing and emotional level what the Suffering Place is all about.

Now, stand, and shake it out a little. Hop or go up on your toes and flop down on your heels, a bunch of times. Shake your hands happily at the wrists.

And move now, to the Present Chair.

Sit here and feel your pelvis against the chair.

Maybe even do a little pelvic rocking.

Look around.

What do you see?

Listen around.

What do you hear?

You are in a body.

What shape are your legs in? Not like getting in shape shape, but if you were to draw them, what shape would it be.

Same with arms: what shape.

What are the legs and feet feeling and touching.

Same with arms and hands: what are they touching and feeling.

Good to feel.

Right now.

See what that does to your mood and your love of life.

And, as before, go back and forth.

So, come to a third chair: let’s call it the Realization Chair.

And from that: look at the present chair and the suffering chair, and realize that the “problem” isn’t about the words you wrote, but is about which chair you want to sit in.

So, in this Realization Chair, look at the words on the paper and say, “So what?”

If you really feel this, then you’ve reached the first level of enlightened forgiveness.

If not, hang out in the two chairs some more and see what happens.

Step Two:

This is a little wild, but stand up and hop a little first.

Smile.

See if there’s a way of learning about the words, that puts in the category of thankfulness that this happened.

Sound strange, but it’s like this:

Mom was pretty mean and critical and even physically abusive as I was growing up and then the mean and critical kept up.

From the realization chair, I can see that this was her stuckness, and in the present has nothing to do with me.

And from the learning and loving chair (might as well have a fourth chair), I can be thankful that she was the way she was.

Because I can actually love her.

And if I can love a woman who was in many ways not the kindest or nicest person, then the love feels even stronger in my heart.

Put it like this:

Say Mom was awful 60% of the time. If I can love here even with that, how much easier to love my wife, who is awful 5% of the time.

Or myself, who is awful 10% of the time.

It’s practice.

And Stage Three is one great and easy, and relentless, way of sharpening this love for the “bad” person.

It’s the famous “turn around” of the work of Byron Katie.

It’s the “see the beam in your own eye, instead of the tiny splinter in your neighbor’s eye” of the Bible.

It’s the famous, “mirror” idea of the New Age folk.

It’s the folk wisdom truth of the saying that “one finger pointing out means there are three pointing back.” 

Or, it’s good old fashioned psychology: Projection.

Whatever I see wrong with you, is something I don’t want to see as wrong with me.

And almost always is.

If I see you as selfish, I probably am too.

If you see you as negligent, fearful, grumpy, disrespectful, critical, and so on, again, almost always, that’s me.

To really slam this home, try to preach your sermon directly to their sin.

Which means.

You shouldn’t be so angry.

Goes to:  I shouldn’t be so angry about your anger.

You shouldn’t be so grumpy.

I shouldn't be so grumpy about your grumpiness.

You should respect me more.

I should respect more you for your lack of respect for me.

Don’t rush that one.

Wrap your head around it.

With me, it was Dad and his criticalness and Jeri Lynn and her running off with another man, that really brought the power of this home to me.

Dad was fairly relentlessly critical.

I did the two chair thing, and realized that without the words in my head, his criticalness was his thing, and I didn’t have to take it personally.

And then at the “turn around” I was shocked to realize how many years I’d been critical of him, either in my head, or to my friends, about his criticalness.

Alas, I could pass out the sermon, the medicine, but wasn’t practicing what I preached and wasn’t taking my own medicine. This can be both humbling and humor making.

With Jeri Lynn, taking off with another man: it’s a long story, and we were both ready for it, and I had it coming.

When I was present, I could appreciate the lack of arguing and the end of something we’d both grown weary of.

But with the “Jeri Lynn should love me more” story, I could be greatly miserable.

And then one day, I did the reversal. “I should love her more.”

For awhile it was just words. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course I should.

Then it lit up and became real.

Oh, my: she’s with a new lover that she really likes.

If I loved her more I’d be happy for her happiness.

And in that state I was truly free.

She was free of me and our fighting.

I could love the freedom and happiness that was bringing her.

This was a huge shift to say the least.

So, that’s the third stage of forgiveness:

First:

So what?

Second:

Loving what you are learning.

Third:

Humility or revelation or even humor about realizing that you are a sinner, too.

And fourth?

I think I’ll go into this more later.

But for now, it’s kind of like this: What we think happened, either was different than we remember.

Or, the motives and the overlay of what was happening was vastly different.

I saw this one day with my father.

Looking at a memory of him from the Being Present chair, I suddenly got this realization of the immense sorrow that was behind his criticism. How he really was trying to love me, and was too cut off from his own self-love to be able to do this.

He was still critical. Yes. This was something he was very stuck in him.

But he wasn’t malicious, though his words and tone seemed to imply that.

He was sad and desperate for love and going about it in all the wrong ways.

Poor Dad.

Sad and compassion for him, and then….

Time to live a life of love and forgiveness that he couldn’t.

How?

That’s what this is all about.

It’s work.

And without it: we aren’t free.