Thursday, February 01, 2018

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Love, Lust, & Enlightenment

Awakened Love


a Delightful, Juicy, and Present Life


“Saving the World” 


Nine “Liberation Pathways”
Nine Weeks

Chris Elms, M.A.
 Copyright—— 2018
Do you want an Awakened Relationship?
People find another person, and things are great, or pretty good. Then things come into some sort of drifting status quo. Sex stays pretty good, and friendship disappears. Or friendship gets comfortable and sex disappears.  Very few couples live in the thrill of enlightenment as a simple way of being in which you are happy almost all the time, and are present almost all the time, and have a commitment to the Big Picture, to “Saving the Earth.”
And the earth needs saving, just look at all the poverty and war and racism and ecological destruction and vast income inequity and sexism: tis a mess. And loneliness. And meaninglessness. And deep harrowing struggles for so many. Yes, the Earth needs saving, but without the anguish that usually goes along with this. 
My goal is 10,000 Awakened Couples, who are happily engaged in Love, and Lust and Enlightenment. And “Saving the Earth.”

To make it simple, here’s the base line of Awakened Relationship.
Love: Ease and fun and communication every day.
Love: Ready ways to forgiveness and humor when buttons get pushed, or the shit hits the fan.
Lust: Sex, both reciprocal and non-reciprocal every day. Mindful sex.
Enlightenment: Happy and in the present almost full time.
Enlightenment: Committed to the Big Picture and happily, mindfully “Saving the Earth.”

This books is for anyone, in a couple or wanting to be, who wants all five aspects to Awakened Love. You might be in a boring or okay relationship. You might be in a troubled one. You might be alone.
If you want this wonderful Awakened Relationship world, this book is for you.
There are nine weeks worth of focusing on pathways of liberation. There will be “games” for you to play almost immediately. 
You can play one right now.

The Wake Up Game:
Look out a window if one is near.
Take a breath down to your belly.
Sense your pelvis’ connection to the chair. If you are standing, sense your feet and the ground or the floor. If sitting sense one or both feet against the floor or ground. 
Breathe again, a little deeper. Smile a little bigger.
Feel yourself alive.
Right now.

What difference did that make? You don’t need to know this in words, and can you feel the difference? Noticing differences is what real learning is about, real learning that is not rote, but that actually changes the neural pathways. This book is about rewiring your brain and heart and life. 
On June 20, 2015, I walked half a block down my street in Austin, Texas, to meet a woman I knew and admired and liked, but with whom I thought I had no “romantic” expectations. I had met her a mere three months before, in March. She had moved to Austin in February. Now in June it was a gentle summer’s day, and we were going to meet for a lunch and “study” session. I was writing a book on radical listening. She was smart and kind and I wanted her input. Her name was Carol Williams then.
It’s Carol Elms now.

We thought we were meeting for an hour and a half. For lunch and a bit of her help on a book I was writing, the precursor to this one.
Twelve hours later, at one am, as I pried myself out the door, to walk the half block back to my home, we both were almost certain we’d met the future lifetime partner that had a day before seemed “almost impossible” to find. I’d written an “impossible goal” to find a fabulous woman within walking distance. I hadn’t realized till that night that Carol was to be the answer to that request.
Goals are important, crucial, yes. Carol had been praying for a life time partner. But goals written or prayed from a heart of grumpiness and fear are more like whining. Goals from the fertile fields of gratitude are more like singing as you plant a fertile field.
This book is for those who want a fabulous relationship at the center of a fabulous, awakened, sexy life. A life that is making a huge difference in the world.
Is this you?
If yes, read on…

We all thrive in gratitude…
On that night, and since then,  the practice of gratitude was a deeply embedded part of both our lives. Then, as now, I was writing in a “gratitude journal” at least twice, often three or four or five times, a day. Carol, on that miracle day, had a steady background prayer life, of which gratitude and thanks was a significant part. Now she has a gratitude journal, too. By the middle of week one, (or sooner) so will you. If you want a fabulous life. (Oh, darn: basic law: if you want to change, you have to change).
And, of course, Carol and I keep being grateful that our gratitude helped paved the way for our miracle. And every day we are grateful for the fun and sexual delight and waking into the present moment that is our new life. 
What are you grateful for? Think of three things. Does something shift?

The Power of Gratitude
Gratitude focuses our hearts and minds on what we like and love in life, what is going well in our life, what we are thankful for and want more of. Instead of wasting time and mental energy on worry or complaining, gratitude allows us to look at life from a peaceful and open heart. With an eager heart alert to what has gone well in the past, we are primed to be looking forward to more “good stuff” unfolding each day.
Gratitude has us focused on what we want more of in life, not what we want less.
Modern research has shown what ancient wisdom has long suspected: the brain (and person) can be in either fear or gratitude.
Carol and I were tuned in to what we appreciated about our lives. This made it far easier to tune into what we could appreciate in the other person. We played a communication game that I will give you soon as part of chapter two, the Being Present chapter. In this game, you take turns talking a specific amount to a timer (3, 4, 5 minutes). In this time, no interrupting is permitted. We took five minutes each. We had the goal of being present in both talking and listening.
This game will change your life.
For us, in gratitude and in the presence of talking and listening without interruption, this “game” allowed one hour to expand into two, into three, into four for us.
And as we listened, since our lives were coming from gratitude, and being present, we could discover who we were with. It wasn’t about explaining ourselves. It was about mutually discovering each other.
Way too many “dates” are like job interviews, where the people push their “qualities” back and forth, as if resumes. Instead, if they were present and curious, they could be delighting in finding out about a new human being on this planet earth.
On our “non-date” Carol and I kept discovering and discovering and discovering. 

Vulnerable, out to dinner, Bible verses, what’s happening?
Then it was time for “have you ever watched the Brene Brown TED talk on vulnerability?” “No.” And watching it.
“Say something vulnerable.”
“You are starting to look a lot like the level of person I never thought I could find.”
More of that.
Walking to dinner.
Holding hands.
Back to watch the TED talk again.
I asked her favorite verses from the Bible, since it had become clear in our talking that in quite different ways (deep Christianity for her, a mythical Buddhism meets Christianity for me) we were both intensely committed to a spiritual path.
One of hers was “Be Still and Know I am God.”
To me this meant: Bingo. That’s what meditation is about. I’ve found someone with whom I can meditate. (We now have sex usually twice a day. We now meditate usually twice a day. Going deep in two ways. Yum).
One of mine was Philippians 4:4:  “Be happy (rejoice) in everything. Be anxious in nothing. Lift up your thanks and then your petitions.” (Give your gratitudes, and then your requests/ goals… Always be in a state of equanimity).
There was more talk.
I told her, to her shock, I was going to a wonderful Austin church the next day, with music that sometimes bordered on Broadway musical and sermons that were about real Christian themes, not the narrow minded stuff of many modern churches. 
We kissed a bit.
We held ourselves back. 
I pried myself away and got out the door at one, am.
We were both pretty sure we’d found the “impossible” mate/ lifetime partner that we’d suspected might not be out there.
And yet, here we were, half a block apart.
I showed up the next morning, at eight with my way cool Restored New Testament (Willis Barnstone, check it out) in hand.
We’ve been together since.

That was June 21, 2015, our day of “Yes.”
And then the deeper “Yes” came on March 5, 2016, the day of our marriage.

We had and have  nine wedding vows, all of which we recite together each morning. The ninth is: We are joyfully creating a long and happy and healthy and enlightened Love, Friendship and Marriage that is getting better and better and better every day.

Every day. Better and better and better.
That usually happens. (Remember “impossible goals?”) 
We touch a lot. Kiss a lot.
We are getting better and better at converting growls into laughs.
We are getting better and better and transforming complaints into ease and self realization and “we goals.”
And making love.
Delicious lovemaking. More than the fervor of “first two months” sex.
The best of our lives.
Once a day.
Twice a day.
Three times a day.
She is now 68 to my 72. Neither of us have ever had a third as much sex as we are having now. For her before it was several times a month, at best. For me, twice a week.
And now: zowie. As if we were in our twenties. 
We didn’t expect this much bliss, but we sure aren’t complaining.

If this better sex, better friendship, better love, along with mindfulness and health and happiness and awakening to ways of joyfully “saving the world,” is what you want… read on.

And….This isn’t a sex manual. 
Though — and anticipation is one part of great sex, sometimes— we’ll have some deeply turned on and amazing “games” for you.
  • the ten minute naked make out
  • the six minute clothed make out, starting with turns at being kissed
  • Non-reciprocal woman pleasuring with a partner fully clothed stroking VERY gently with one lubricated finger of their left hand, the woman’s clitoris for 13 minutes
  • taking turns rubbing each other’s hand. I put this in here deliberately: very very few people realize how important taking turns being the pure RECEIVER OF PLEASURE is. If we start small and simple and get used to Just Giving for one and Just Receiving for another, huge shifts can take place in all of life, including your/ our/ everyone’s sex life.) 
  • (All games in the book are meditations/ chances to be mindful by the way)

Sex is the dessert to an amazing life. If you are alone and deserted now, many of the games in this book will help you find really great friends, friends with whom awakening and real communication can take place.
One of those great friends might turn out to be the lover and spouse that you are looking for.
Along the way, you can be present and happy with yourself and with others. If so, you will be living a real life and pulling toward you real people. Without being present and happy (and having purpose) it’s all the random crap shoot of most “NORMAL” life.
This book is for those who want far, far above the Random Crap ShooT of “NORMAL” life.
This book is for those who want Love, Lust and Enlightenment. There are nine weeks worth of using a specific “Liberation Pathway” in Love, and in Lust and in Enlightenment.
One: Gratitude
Two: Being Present
Three: Real Learning as Noticing Differences/  No Body = Nobody
Four: Writing Goals from your Real self
Five: Don’t believe your own thinking/ “I’m an ass, you’re an ass, so what?”
Six: Real Health, Real Food, Connect with Nature
Seven: Connect with the “Energy”
Eight: Be Yourself, everything else is taken
Nine: Be happily and mindfully engaged in “Saving the World”

And in each week, there will be games for each pathway combined with Love, combined with Lust, combined with Enlightenment.
So, let’s start week one, with Love and Gratitude, and Lust and Gratitude and Enlightenment and Gratitude.
Let the fun, and learning, and transformation begin.

Week One: Gratitude

Love and Gratitude Game #1:
Notice how you are feeling now.
Say aloud five things you are grateful for. Feel your heart as you say these five.
Notice how you are feeling now.

Really, do it now. This is not a book to “just read” and imagine “doing it” later. This is not a book of “good ideas” for you to give your “screwed up” friends. This is a transformation manual for those who want even more amazing life.
So, do it.
Say aloud five things you are grateful for, and be as present to your body and your voice and your heart as you can be while you do so.

As I’ve said above, you can be grateful or you can be in fear. Can you feel a shift in you when you say gratitudes aloud? Let’s try an even more sure fire way of shifting our energy to being a happier and more loving person. Standing. Letting ourselves feel our more full bodies.
Let’s try:

Love and Gratitude Game #2:
Notice how you are feeling now.
Stand up.
If there is a window available that has a view of Nature, please go there.
Or, if your life is such that walking out into Outside, to see nature, or going out to actually , Stand in Nature, so much the better.
Feel your body standing up.
Say aloud, five gratitudes. The same ones. New ones. If you can be watching Nature at the same time all the better.
Notice any difference.

When you do this it’s such a nice excuse to be upright. It’s a nice excuse to return to our hearts. It’s a nice excuse to realize this: life can be pretty wonderful.

And now, to begin something that I hope you institute as a new and ongoing part of your life: Writing gratitudes, daily, in a journal.

Love and Gratitude Game #3: Write five Gratitudes.
Get a journal, label it your “Gratitude Journal” and write down five things you are grateful for.
Write slowly.
Feel your breathing and your hand and arm moving.
Feel your handwriting as part of YOU pouring out your appreciation for life.
If you don’t have a journal, YET, grab any piece of paper and write five gratitudes.

Every time I reread this sentence in a rewrite, or a read through, I actually do it. I wander off to the last place I left my gratitude journal (there is a chair it usually lives near, with a nice window full of light nearby and a happy houseplant close, too). I write five more gratitude.
So, off I go, again, to write five more, right now.
If you haven’t done it yet, right now, write now, write five gratitudes.

It makes a difference, moving your hand across the page. Doing this in the old human way.
It feels good, as movement.
It heal good, as heart restorative.
Having any problem? Write gratitudes.
In a gratitude journal.
Which you can go back and read.
Any time.

Lust and Gratitude, Week One Gratitude and Transformation Games Continue

How should you space out your games?
Should you do at least one every day?
Yes to the second question.
You figure it out, to the first.

And let’s get our lust rising. Perhaps that’s not the best way to say it: let’s cultivate our natural human wish for touch and connection.
Everyone in the human game is a mammal.
Mammals are warm blooded.
Touch is paramount to a healthy life.

And then there is sex.
Not everyone has a partner.
And everyone can find someone who needs a hug. They might not be willing to be hugged, but they can be asked: Would you like a hug? Could we hug? 
Or, the old fashioned way: open up your arms and see if they join you in a hug.
Or, the way of a lady who was enlightened without trying to be enlightened, and lost all her fear. Whenever she wanted a hug, no matter where she was, she’d go up to the nearest person and ask: Can I have a hug?
They always said yes.

For now, let the game of hugging be something you look forward to increasing in your life.

And now on to lust, as a pathway that can improve sex.
The following game doesn’t need a sexual partner, but it does require someone willing to be touched and willing to touch. If you have no one like this in your life, write a goal to find several such people. Keep an eye and an intuitive radar out.
And here’s the game. It seems kind of light weight if you are hungering for better sex, right now.
And it might seem heavy weight if there is no one you are touching in a gentle way in your life. (Hint: many of us have nieces and nephews, with whom this might be an incredible game, for both parties.)

And heave weight or light weight, here’s an important aspect of sex and connection that is radically missed: We need periods, preferably daily, of non-reciprocal sex. Which is to say, one simply receives, not having to “put out” anything for this delight.
On the way to non-reciprocal sex, we’ll have non-reciprocal kissing, where each person lays down and the others kisses them for several minutes, while they just soak it in.
On the way to non-reciprocal kissing, let’s play this game, where the gratitude is in the pure nourishing of being touched.

Lust and Gratitude Game #1:
Taking turns rubbing/ caressing / exploring another hand

Find a partner.
Get an agreement to spend six minutes of touch and learning.
First: two minutes of rubbing one hand of the partner.
One person uses both their hands to touch, to rub, to massage, to caress, to explore one of the other person’s hands.
At the end of being touched, the person spends one minute sharing how the two hands, the touched and the un-touched hands, feel different. And sharing anything else about the experience.
Then going the other way.
The receiver is now the giver/ massagers/ caresser/ explorer for two minutes.
Then that person who received shares for one minute: differences between touched and untouched hands, what the effect and feeling of the experience.

Again, if you are chomping at the bit for a hotter sex life, this may seem a diversion.
Until you do it.
You will quickly discover two things:
How great it is to receive.
How great it is to give.

Notice that in this game the enlightenment part of life, as in Being Present, is deeply engaged.
And, this shouldn’t have to be said, but if you talked at all, either while giving or getting, do it again.
Non-verbal touch is non-verbal communication. This is vastly important to human well being. (Remember the hugs. Go get a couple today.)

And, gasp, that’s going to be your other lust and gratitude game this week:
To ask for or offer three hugs a day.
And connect them to gratitude. 
Like this:

Lust and Gratitude Game #2:
Ask for, or offer, 3 hugs a day.
After the hug, either express your gratitude to the other person.
Go write your gratitude in your gratitude journal.

As, an advanced version of this, you could offer hugs as congratulations and/ or gratitude to others.

And, even more advanced, though it might not seem like such at first, ask for hugging as an experiment.
People are WAY too stuck in how everything has been in the past, stuck in their habits, deeply trapped in fear of the new.
Simply to begin to offer interaction in a new way as a learning possibility is to change your life and that of any partner willing to try a hug as an experimenting in “What happens when we hug?”

And now, you’ve got love and gratitude, as saying aloud gratitudes or saying aloud from standing, or writing gratitudes.
You’ve got non-reciprocal hand touching.
You’ve got hugs.
What more for week one?
Honoring the central miracle: You are alive. Right now.
You are alive.
Right now.

Gratitude and Enlightenment Game #1:
Take a deep breath.
Feel your belly expand.
Feel your pelvis on something, or your feet on something.
Look out a window.
Notice nature.
Realize: I am alive. Right now.
Experience the miracle of this.
Smile a bit. Feel grateful.
See how long you can hang out in experiencing the joyful miracle of being alive right now, and knowing you are alive right now.
Do it.

Gratitude and Enlightenment Game #2
Stand, and go to a window, or go outside.
Interlace your fingers and lengthen your arms and hands toward the sky.
Turn your palms upwards.
Breathe deeply into your belly.
Shift your weight slightly from left to right foot to left to right. Slowly.
Notice the difference.
Smile and look at some blue sky.
Notice the difference.
Feel and realize: this is me, alive, right now.
Experience the you-ness of you.
Experience gratitude for the alive miracle of you, right now.
This is something probably worth doing at least every other hour, if not every hour.

Gratitude and Enlightenment Game #3: Take a Walk.
And on this walk, experience your weight shifting right foot to left to right.
Experience your eyes seeing various aspects of the world.
Experience your breath coming in and out.
Experience yourself as alive and experiencing life, right now.
Feel the wonder of that.

This is you, alive, right now.
This is the miracle not experienced by so much of the world and the universe: the chairs and walls and books and computers and shoes and windows and floors around you, to say nothing of most of what exists in the vastness of space and the universe. All those asteroids and stars, bright and brilliant and whatnot, and do they delight in being alive? I don’t know, and I think not, especially in the way you can, right now.
Right now, you are alive.
Always right now.
You tell me. You tell yourself. You tell the world.

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