Thursday, March 29, 2018

Want better sex? Touch is the start: we are all mammals.

Day Three: Super-Power Liberation & Happiness Pathway #3:

We’ve already started touch. You held hands while saying awarenesses aloud. You did notice a difference, right?
Awareness is wonderful, “Now I am aware….” Fill it in, now, this now, it’s always a new now, right?
And notice: where did you pick to be present?
And now, find your partner, or a friend, and hold hands (or imagine) hold hands, and share “Now I am aware…”
What is the difference?
This is life: awareness.
Learning as noticing difference.
Alert life: we get to make a choice.

And one choice that is often ignored, and then thrown into the sex pot to make up for the neglect of the rest of our life:
We need touch.
We starve without touch. 
We are mammals.
If you don’t have a partner, try to hug two or three people a day.
If you can’t hug two or three people a day, hug a tree or two. Shake hands.
Hug yourself. Go into a room, and feel a vibration of connectedness and imagine hugging everyone, from a feeling of abundance. Humans deserve touch. Imagine hugging from giving yourself and another person what the real mammal in you and the real mammal in them deserves.

And saving the world?
There are homeless. There is climate collapse. There is racism and sexism. There is gun violence.
This can’t be ignored. And still, as we help to heal these “problems” we are mammals. We are in a present. There are other mammal/ people around us.
And all around us are people who could thrive with hugs and being present. Are you starting to feel and realize that life is a big story, a big challenge?

And with every kindness that calls for a partner, there is always a way to start on our own. We can use touch as a “wake up” call with one hand to another.
Right now.
You don’t have to wait to be present.
You don’t have to wait for kind and awakened touch.
Hand to hand.
This is available to us. Almost everywhere we are, if we aren’t using our hands for driving say. Even at the computer, a little short “break” from the ongoing rush, especially if we stand up and do this, can be of immense benefit.
Do what?
Rub/ caress/ explore/ massage/ touch one of our hands with the other.

We can sneak in a small dose while sitting at a boring meeting, or while walking to our car.
And if you give yourselves three minutes, right now, that will be what this book is for: a chance to transform your life. By small and real actions that we call “games.” Let’s play….

Touching Hands Game #1: One hand touches/ caresses/ explores the other.
Set a timer. Three minutes. (Seems “long.” And, do you deserve three minutes of self-kindness?)
Use your non-dominant hand as the “giving hand.” 
Use your dominant hand as the “receiving hand.”
(E.g., if you are right handed, the left hand will caress/ touch/ explore the right hand. If left handed, your right hand will caress/ touch/ explore your left hand.)
For three minutes, go slowly, and explore one hand with the other.
As you caress/ touch/ explore one hand with the other, be present at three levels as we learned in day two:
Bottom Level: Sense your pelvis feet and gravity.
Mid- level: Feel your breathing, ribs and of course, both hands and sets of fingers
Top- layer: Notice what you are hearing and seeing and how the air is coming in and out of your nose.
This is to treat touch as sacred.
Go for three minutes.
If you feel / “think” ( as the words in our heads that passes as thinking, but isn’t) you are wasting time, notice that. And come back to the present of being present to one hand with the other.

When it’s over, notice the difference in the two hands.
With a few notes, perhaps, right here…

PS: What is the receiving hand grateful for? What is the giving hand grateful for? You might add that to your gratitude journal.

If you have a partner doing this with their hands at the same time, share your awarenesses.

This is simple.
Except…. notice your resistance: do I have three minutes to be nice to myself?
Do you feel silly, to be being kind and loving to yourself?

Notice the gratitude of the hand receiving.
Notice the gratitude and learning of the hand giving.

Be alert: how well do you think this would help your connection to your partner?
If you don’t have a partner, notice how this might help you connect to a partner when you do have one. ( If you want that. )

And… if you do have a partner, this is a wonderful beginner’s step to having sex every day: You rub/ caress/ explore their hand for three minutes. They do the same for you.

Touching your Partner’s Hand, for three minutes:
The beginnings of Mindful and Fabulous Sex

One of the greatest shortfalls in normal, and often boring, and frequently avoided, sex, is that it almost entirely genital and is all supposed to be wham bam full speed almost instantly.
Very little, if any, time is devoted to letting one partner be the recipient, the receiver, the you-are-being-loved one.
This is tragic.  Non-reciprocal sex is hugely important.
Non-reciprocal sex is hugely important.

How do I know that?
We have sex once or more a day, and one fuel that keeps that happening is a mindful sex practice that we allow / commit ourselves to almost every day.

Where did I learn this?
I had the immense good and bad fortune to be in a very messy group, training in Female Orgasm, that claimed to be trying for mindful sex.
It failed, but at least it tried.
And it had a seemingly bizarre and very powerfully wonderful practice: the man ( or one partner in a lesbian couple) would stroke, very VERY slowly and gently the clitoris of the receiving partner.
The “stroker” kept all their clothes on.
The “receiver” took off her panties.
The “meditation” — since the goal was to be present without a goal of climax and without the “warming up” for sex after— was by a timer, 2 minute leg rub, 13 minute clitoris stroking, 2 minute calm down.
After, you shared one moment’s awareness of sensation. You got up. You got dressed. You didn’t have sex. This didn’t take place on a bed.
You  and your various partners in this training, usually never had “sex” sex.
This was a very interesting way to connect with people. Especially for someone in his late sixties. Later, this will be in our book as an unusual, but extremely beneficial game that will be a subset of the “super-power liberation and happiness” pathway of SEX EVERY DAY. But not for awhile. Let’s start very very simply. Hand caress/ touch/ massage. 
Instead of the clitoris receiving, one hand receives. A big difference.
And then again, not: the hand has not as many pleasure receptors, but it does have a huge number of wirings in our brain.
And, to “just” receive is something we are usually extremely limited in.

This is a way of pleasure and relaxation and telling our partner’s brains and inner being: you are important. You matter. I have time and willingness to be present to you in a very real and non-bullshit way.
This is good. Let’ do it…

Day Two: Partners Take 2 minute turns touching/ caressing/ exploring one of the other person’s hands.
That’s it.
The giver uses two hands.
Go slowly.
Be curious and exploratory.
Sense your body in all three levels as you give.
Listen to what you feel as you give.

Receiver: listen not just to what you are receiving in your hand, but to what is happening at all three levels of your body.

After the two minutes take a bit of a break with several deep deep breaths. 

Then go the other way, before talking.

Then another break.

And then share, how was this as a giver. How was this to be the receiver.

Here’s a crucial deal.
I’m going to say what your body and soul wants to hear: do this every day.
I’m going to say what your “I’m too busy” robot will hate to hear: do this every day.
I’m going to say something the stuck in your rut you will love and hate to hear: do this every day.

The brain: one use, to stay stuck in our patterns.
The brain, best use: discover what happens new and now when you do, try, open to, explore, something new.

Make it the second most important daily exercise.
The first most important DAILY exercise: 
If you are alone, write gratitudes.
If you have a partner, hold hands and share gratitudes. And write them, too.

What’s the crucial deal?
People will think, feel and act as if the six minutes this hand to hand caress/ explore/ massage and then share is “too much.”
They will be too busy.

Which means: no time for love making.
Which means: you don’t really like each other that much. (Well, it’s usually more than that: you are afraid to like/ love/ adore/ hunger for each other again)
Which means: you are depriving yourself of the joy of living with another person. 

(Why do we live together?
  1. the friendship of good talk, 
  2. the bliss of good sex, 
  3. the growth of woking through the crap all couples have)

So, for those in a relationship who want it fabulous or more fabulous, say gratitudes as you hold hands.
Then rub your partner’s hand. And they rub yours.
That may take all of ten minutes. 
Notice the difference that ten minutes makes in your life.

If you live alone.
Write in your gratitude journal.
Rub your own hand.

Take a walk and say aloud awareness in the three levels.

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