Waking Up and Love

Most people imagine they can drift into love
and that if they are drifting with the right person,
that's enough

with this problem
a rather huge one

in sleep
in mindlessness
all we can do is be happy when things
are going our way
and
when under stress revert
to the default programming

this is usually good old Mom and Pop

and how they related when things were under stress:

feeling bad
feeling sad
attacking
withdrawing
drinking
getting distracted by work

whatever they did
is what our robots
got trained to do

and so:
that's what we do
when under stress and
not living in the now
in our relationship

and the other way around:
if we are mindful
and stress comes down
we can be present to our bodies
and our partner
and our love
and decide to do something
from there

something loving
something fun
something wise
something honest

usually not what we learned from Mom and Pop
when they were under stress

you can be mindful
or
mindless

I can be mindful
or
mindless



the next posting will be the Gurdjieff meditation
a way to be mindful full time
not just on the meditation cushion
good

Freedom: Loving the X after the Divorce... Being at ease, no matter what

this is the last one
on divorce for awhile

it's like this:

two people have a marriage
hopefully it's good at least
part of the time

then, it sucks,
or one gets bored

but here's the deal:
the one who wants to leave
doesn't like how they feel around the other person

the other person isn't the problem
it's that the other person gives them an
excuse
to feel bad
or
feel really badly inside

so they leave,
or ask to leave
or cause a ruckus and get asked/ demanded to leave

then
the two are apart

often with their bad feelings
and almost always
sure that it
was the other person's fault

so,
the work is big
and if there are children it's essential:

take responsibility
each one,
as if it's 100% their doing
that the marriage or relationship ended

and if the other person
doesn't do it

so what

one person can get free
and that's a big deal

and how do you know you are free?

you know you could hang out with the X
and enjoy their company

enjoy it if they are in good form
enjoy it if they are mean and accusing

just keep listening
and saying:
yep, that the way you see it,
you see it that ......
and you let them know you heard

and you aren't defensive

sometimes the other person / the complaining X
is right
sometimes they are full of baloney

when you can smile and
just let it roll

then you are free

crazy,
but that's what God is:
freedom to love
anything and anyone

and who doesn't want to be free?

Flexible Hearts, Brains, Bodies and More

e="clear: both; text-align: center;">

Flexible Brains for Hearts, Bodies and Problem Solving

Flexible Brains, Hearts and Lives.

What are brains for?

Learning.

Learning what?

How to stay out of trouble. Hence habits that we cling to since they once “worked” to avoid some problem.

And, learning how to be happier, or do something better. As early as learning how to roll over, crawl and walk. Our brains learned that. How to get along with others. How to have a good time. How to make friends. Our brains learned that.

And now, what would YOUR brain like to learn?

And how could being flexible in your approach radically accelerate your learning?

Learning is what? Let’s get this amazingly useful concept front and center: 

Learning is the noticing of a difference that makes a difference.

That’s worth repeating: Learning is the noticing of a difference that makes a difference.

Let’s take three kinds of learning that might point toward a better, more enjoyable, more potent life.

Emotional.

I’m sure this doesn’t ever happen to you, but some people are known to have people in their lives who annoy them.

To use a brain to change this around, let’s toy with a central variable in how people perceive others who annoy them.

They think the annoying one is wrong and should change.

Okay, if this were about flexible hearts, we could hint at saintly behavior and loving the annoying ones anyway.

But, let’s use the brain systematically  to try other ways of dealing with this.

One, what if the annoying one is not wrong. Wait, wait, this doesn’t have to be believed. Just tried out.

So, one difference: they aren’t wrong.

Difference two: what if, in some small and almost infinitesimal, we are wrong.

Difference three: what if, again, in some small and almost infinitesimal way, there is some change we might bring into the equation.

( Hint: it’s usually to change in the way we want them to change. But that’s a bigger story. This story, is that letting our brains change the construct around gives us a vastly more free and perhaps congenial way of relating to an “annoying” person.

Movement.

This, of course, is the stock and trade of the Feldenkrais® work. So we need only the slightest example, since all the lessons, thousands of them, require a flexible approach to movement, that results in large improvement, by varying something, often varying something rather small.

So, we want to turn to the left to see better over our left shoulder in a sitting position. This could help driving safety,  say.

The old model, is to yank our neck to the left, and then yank a little more.

One variation that is yank free, would be to put the back of our right hand on our left check, and with the hand there, turn to the left in a way that involves our right shoulder and our ribs.

And the turning is easier.

A second variation.

Push your right hip forward so that your pelvis rotates to the left. Do this as you look to the left. See if that is a difference that makes a difference.

A third, and this is similar to the first, but I like it because it’s so self-friendly. Hug ourselves by holding the opposite armpit with each hand. ( Figure it out. It feels good).

In this hug, rotate our ribs to the left as we look to the left.

Finally. Using the self hug, and our right knee forward at the same time, rotate our face and ribs and pelvis to the left and notice the ease and increase in this movement.

Problem solving.

This is a little trickier, since we don’t have a specific problem, and let’s have flexible brains and play with this too.

One variation:

Think of three ways to make the problem even worse. How could we lock it down and make it more intractable?

Two:

Think of three really silly ideas, that have no merit whatsoever, apparently, but write or doodle them out.( Robbing a bank to make more money, say)

Three:

Come up with three possible new approaches, that go against the first variations, and create any small shift.That is: whatever would make it worse, do less or the opposite and doodle, write, brainstorm them out into the world of though experimentation.

Four:

Find the one of the most promising of these ways and find ways to make even smaller sub changes toward making that happen.

This is perhaps too abstract.

Alas, that is one thing brains are good at : thought experiments. You could use your brain to try out the third example in your own real life and your own real variations.

Or, you could skim on to the next thing.

Flexible brains get to make decisions.

Aware brains, know when the decision is being made.

It’s your brain. Enjoy it.

It’s your awareness. Thrive from it.

10 Steps to Happiness

Want to be happier?

Let’s play with some ways this could happen, and let me start out saying that happiness is a byproduct of being present and engaged and loving in your life. It’s not something you chase, it’s a barometer that tells you that you are living right.

Okay, let’s play.

One: Do something wrong. If you do tai chi, do some of the moves wrong. If you always button your shirt from top to bottom, go the other way. If you always come late, come early. If you always come early, come late. ( Once. See if the world crumbles)

This came from giving a Toastmasters talk on happiness where I offered 5 ways of being happy. The Sacred Rule in Toastmasters is to always present 3 things. So I presented five and by doing that demonstrated the first step.

Here, I don’t know how many steps I’m going to give which leads me to

Two: Living in “I don’t know.”

Sometimes a very fun thing to do when answering a question is to answer, “Well, there are three/ four/ five aspects to the answer.” Not knowing what they are. And then wing it and fill in.

Goals are sweet and nice and good for your character and all that, and a central trait to all happy people is the ability to let a new goal emerge from the present, a surprising and interesting path that hadn’t occurred to them until just then.

And when people ask you a question, or you are telling yourself you should have it all figured out, Hang out in “I don’t know.”

Three:

Be present.

If you don’t know what’s coming next, or what you are going to say next, or do next, you do know what’s NOW.

Experience that.

As sensation.

As feeling.

As noticing your body shape, where are your arms and legs and spine.

As noticing what images are coming in your eyes.

As noticing what sound is coming in your ears.

As noticing where your breath is, coming in or out, or in a pause.

This you can always know. For certain.

Your own experience of the famous NOW.

Four: Be grateful

Tell someone some things you are grateful for, especially about them.

Five:

Be grateful for stuff you thought was really really bad news.

Recently , the wonderful woman who was my girlfriend and lover, and is my girlfriend and lover, decided to call it quits. Instantly and with no discussion.

This was supposedly a disaster.

Except that it threw me back on loving and enjoying myself, and discovering even more deeply the secrets of happiness. ( The toastmasters talk, was before we got back together)

And when we got back together, I was grateful for the way it went down, and our time apart and our getting together at a newer and higher level.

Six:

Be wrong.

There’s a good saying: “ You can be right, or you can be happy.”

We, this lover and girlfriend and I, got back together by having an almost enlightenment moment, when we got together after 57 days apart to slug it out. I realized instantly and she soon after, that there was no problem. That all our stories about how the other had been wrong were not worth getting into.

That was over. We were in the same room. The love was still there. We were wrong about the other having been wrong.

We were free.

From freedom love can flow easily.

Seven: Let it go.

That was what we did, though not systematically.

There is a deep and thorough way of letting things go, called the Work of ByronKatie.

And there’s a kind of Byron Katie lite method called the Sedona process.

Pick up a pencil. Grasp it tightly. Okay, you’re holding on.

Now loosen a little and let it roll around in your fingers. No you aren’t so stuck.

Now open your hand and what happens? It drops.

You’ve let it go.

Good.

Take some story about how someone else was wrong, or there is something wrong with you and ask these three questions:

Could I let this go?

Would I let this go?

When?

There are no right answers and usually yes, yes and now will get the story dropped.

Try it.

Now.

Eight: Laugh.

On purpose.

For ten minutes.

Just start laughing and keep it up.

You may feel foolish.

Good.

Nine:

Be silly.

Move around for ten or twenty minutes in silly, wrong, new, interesting, being present ways.

Or longer.

Eyes closed.

Goof and notice and enjoy and discover.

This is a hidden two part suggestion: Be silly. Move more.

Ten:

Be curious.

What four more suggestions could you add to this list?

What four more could I?

( I’ll go mine in private. You are welcome to write yours in as comments.

Cheers,

Chris.

Divorce + Love = Freedom

Curious

Open

Aware

Loving

Is that any way to treat the person you are divorcing or are divorced from?

Only if you want your child to flourish.

Only if you want to be free of the poison of unforgiveness.

You’ve heard the saying: Not forgiving is like swallowing rat poison and hoping that the other person will die.

So, let’s see how it usually plays out.

Two people get divorced.

They dislike and avoid each other.

They bad mouth the other, in their heads and to other people.

They are certain they are Right, that the other was mainly, or totally to blame.

Since they are Right, that means, and they are both oh so certain: that the other is Wrong.

And since they won’t talk to the other person, except in snipe and attack form, they aren’t about to listen to the other side.

And who is caught in the middle?

Their child or children.

They bad mouth the other in front of the child, and they are bad mouthing half of the child. Even if they keep these words quite, but are feeling them, the child or children can feel the vibes of disliking, the vibes of put down, the vibes of blame and victim.

Many couples get clever and blame the other one for being the blaming one, not noticing they are blaming as they go.

But basically, all disliking is from fear, and they are showing to their children, either overtly or covertly, that the other parent is to be feared.

And what would love look like.

As a start, each person would say: okay this is a fifty fifty deal. I did some. They did some. Let’s listen to each other and admit to each our own part in the falling apart.

Then the children have a chance.

And how could the children thrive.

The parents systematically get together and listen to each other, fully and without defensiveness or attack.

They take 100% responsibility for the relationship ending, and make efforts to change their lives so they don’t treat others in the same way.

They learn to enjoy the company of the other, staying clear that it’s best to be apart, but showing the children that there is nothing to fear from hanging out with and enjoying someone you’ve decided to separate from in your life.

This is hard.

Sure.

This is work.

Sure.

This brings freedom.

And peace.

And happiness.

And love.

A good payoff for giving up being Right, wouldn’t you say?

Is there Sex after Marriage?

Is there Sex after Marriage?
Gasp, for many,
not much

alas

Many start a relationship
and it's yummy hot dog

and then they start realizing the other isn't
perfect

and then they get in a stupid power struggle to
"fix"
the other

and they sometimes never get out
or
go numb
or have an affair

but in there somewhere
they
forget to
enjoy sex
with their partner

this is a shame,

sex and
talk
are what they need

sex
and talk
and mindfulness
are what I teach

along with movement that awakens the brain
and some coaching ideas about combining the
masculine to have goals
and
the feminine to have fun along the way
and
the gumption to say your desires and
live toward them

couples is the place
where we can get the most bang for
the buck
of talking through our
shit

and having sex
even when we don't "want to"

how to do that?
come hire me

first session: a free exploratory

good
yes
good

yewo

Balance Two, for You

Stand near a wall>

Decide which foot is your stable foot,
and which your free foot

Stable is usually right for left handers, and left for right
Free is usually right for right handers, and left for left

Lift one foot

That one's your free foot

Stand a foot and a half or so from the wall,
adjust so that you feel moderately or a lot comfortable
leaning the top of your head into the wall

Use your hands for support if need be

ONE
Bring your free foot behind your stable foot,
so that it is on the opposite side that it usually is
and
both feet are pointing toward the wall

Shift your weight very slowly from right to left
and then back
Many times
Feel the transition as if 10%, 20%, 30% in one foot
as the weight gets more very gradually

Enjoy this
and notice how different it is to have the weight to your left side
on your right foot
and
the weight to your right side
on your left foot

Rest
by gently pushing to upright
and leaving the wall to walk around a bit

TWO
Everything as in One
same foot behind,
and now shift the weight from heels to toes
and back

Many times

Rest with your head on the wall

Now, do a circle of weight distribution:
Left heel, left toes,
Right toes, right heel
Many times,
and
then
reverse the circle

Now the longer rest, standing and walking

THREE:
Put the free foot in front and across to the other side
again, both feel pointing to the wall

and do the three stages from above;

Left and right

Front and back

Around the circle in both directions

Stand and walk for a rest

FOUR:
Take your stable foot behind the standing foot and to the opposite side
and
do all three

then rest and stand and walk

FIVE
Take your stable foot in front of your free foot and to the opposite side
and
do
all three:

Right and left
Front and back
Around the circle in both directions

Rest by walking and stay out of normal actions for awhile

Take a walk outdoor is you can,
though it's cold this time of the year most places

Balance: a movement lesson

This is fun for all
and especially useful for people who are getting older,
who have fallen, or been in an accident,
or had a stroke,
and wish to improve their balance.

There will be one today,
and another tomorrow.


One:
Stand near a wall, about a foot and a half away,
( You can adjust this)
and putting your hands on the wall,
and then
bow a bit forward
so that you can press the top of your head into the wall

Rest here a bit
and feel the weight of you going up from your feet
through your spine
through your skull
into the wall

After you are comfortable,
begin to shit your weight from your right foot
to your left foot
back and forth,

Rest

Now shift your weight left and right
Very slowly
with a lot of pleasure and attention
and

as you shift to the right,
raise your left heel and rotate your left foot to the right
and
rotate your pelvis to the right,
and
rotate your head to the right, so your nose is pointing to the right.

and as you come back
bring your head to the middle
and both feet on the ground

and as you go to the left
raise your right heel
and rotate that foot and hip to the left
and rotate your nose and head to the left

if you can do this with your arms dangling down,
fine

if you need to keep your hands on the wall steadying you
that's fine too

many times,
at least 12
as many as you like

go for each time feeling slightly different
and each time more awareness of a new part of
yourself
and each time
a deeper sense of ease and pleasure

rest, but slowly using your hands to stand upright,
and walking around a bit


TWO;
You are going to do everything you did in the more
complicated version,
except that your head is going to go
the opposite way of the rotation of your hips
that is happening from the weight shift
and raising your heel

so:
rotate your pelvis to the left
by raising your right heel
and rotating your hip and leg to the left,
and
as you do this
(slow, slow, slow, slowly, slowly)
take your head and nose to the right

and easily slowly gently reversing this
so that as your pelvis goes to the right
with your left heel raising, and your left leg and hip rotating,
your head goes to the left

this won't be easy
and
if you go slowly enough
with enough attention,
will profoundly reorganize your nervous system
to balance far better in gravity

rest as above,
coming off the wall and walking around


THREE:

This is a fuller version of the second part of ONE

with your right hand on the wall, and your right hand dangling down,
and the top of your head on the wall,
rotate to the right by lifting your left heel,
rotating your hip,
turning your nose and head to the right,
and this time
the nose and eyes will be following the loose right hand, and arm,
which will rotate up to shoulder height to the right

then reversing down and the other way:
the hand will come down
and up to the left
the right heel will raise
the hips and leg will rotate to the left
as the head and nose and eyes follow your hand

back and forth
many times,
slowly
gently
pleasurably
with ease and
breathing
and discovery
and grace

rest as before by walking around

FOUR:
The same as above with the other arm
as the pendulum that goes side to side
followed by your eyes and nose

enjoy this,
really
slowly
completely
easily
slowly
gently

breathe
breathe
breathe

Take it easy for 10-30 minutes after and let this integrate

Naps and walks are the best integration
Good

Love is, Love Ain't 9

You can try and control reality
and
you'll fail

You can ask for what you want
and in
the mean time
what you've got is best treated this way:

love it


I've practiced this awhile, and have had the great
gift and good fortune to be reunited ( see the blog,
Love is Love Ain't 8: The Heart Knows What the Head has Forgotten)
with a love
who was deep
and it was a mess

and it stopped

and various of us thought the other was wrong
and then we got in the same room
after enough time
and no one was
wrong

it was just love


and tonight she's with an old lover
so be it

loving her
means loving her having what she wants

tonight she wants him
( this morning she came to me,
she's a woman full of love)

this makes me happy

call me crazy

or call me out of control

or call me wanting this women to be who
she is
and discover her true path

whatever is up

I love her
and wish them a wonderful night.

Yewo.