Be of Good Cheer

BE OF GOOD CHEER
Chapter 4 in the forthcoming book: Love, Lust & Enlightenment: Falling deeper in love with your mate, and becoming "almost enlightened" to boot

Be of Good Cheer

There is a force that grows the green grass, thrusting up even in the most vile parking lot. There is a tinkle, as of Tibetan bells, in the laughter of children.

There is the moan of lovers, coming together slowly and sweetly after the trials of the day, and perhaps even the troubles that their conditioned behaviors have caused each other.

There is the play of otters in the mud, dolphins in the blue ocean, there are those wild geese, flying freely throughout the chapters of this book and the bright blue skies of the world, there are the blue bonnets and the California Poppies and the orange/ apricot/ pear/ cherry/ redbud/ honey locust blossoms bursting in spring, full of bees making honey. Birds singing. The birds and the bees and the bright green leaves flickering golden in the trees, in the breeze, in the sun, in the sky, in our hearts.

Always there for us. And we can miss it, deny it, forget it. Chose the other, darker, sadder path.

Like this:

Life can be a bummer. Or Life can be a joy.

You can drink through one of two straws: one is sweet and one is bitter.

Happiness is an inside job.

Unhappiness is an inside job.

One way to be in the joy/ sweet/ happiness current is to be of good cheer.

All the time.

Things gong your way: be of good cheer.

Things going crappy: be of good cheer. (This isn’t Pollyanna. It’s good cheer.)

Feeling great: be of good cheer.

Feeling tired/ sick/ weak/ pain and so on: be of good cheer.

Why?

Because it feels better to you.

Because it feels better to those around you.

Because choosing to drink from the sweet not the bitter straw is one of the prime human abilities.

Because it is what Life wants of us.

(Is that true?

Find out for yourself.)

I have a group of friends who call this “Being in the energy.” There’s a whole way of accessing this, that you can find out about in the first appendix, but for now let’s look at “being in the energy” like this.

Accessing the happy child in you, always game for friendship, for play, for learning, for silliness, for delight, for discovery.

For the new.

That lives in the now.

Okay:

Go couples, be of good cheer, try this and see what happens.

Partner A:

I am alive. You are alive.

I am going to die. You are going to die.

I notice these two things about you in the present…

I notice these two things about myself in the present..

I like this about you…Pause. Breathe. Look at your partner. Then say it from the heart.

I like this about myself… Pause. Breathe. Look at your partner. Then say it from the heart.

I like this about us as a couple… Pause. Breathe. Look at your partner. Then say it from the heart.

Now take three breaths. And go through the whole sequence again. Set the timer for at least three minutes of this.

Now two minutes of “feedback” of the “only listening” sort. So you aren’t going to be giving any opinions or interpretations.

Partner B’s “feedback.”

I am alive. You are alive.

I am going to die. You are going to die.

I notice these two things about myself in the present..

I notice these two things about you in the present..

I heard you say you liked this about yourself… Pause. Breathe. Look at your partner. Then say it from the heart. Say only one thing each turn that you heard them say.

I heard you say you like this about me… Pause. Breathe. Look at your partner. Then say it from the heart. Say only one thing each turn that you heard them say.

I heard you say you like this about us as a couple… Pause. Breathe. Look at your partner. Then say it from the heart. Say only one thing each turn that you heard them say.

Then the timer goes off after two minutes, and do it the other way around. Partner B shares their self and other and couple “LIKE-ING” for three minutes (or more, you pick) and then partner A gives “only listening feedback” for two minutes.

Ah. Three breaths together. Ten breaths together. Live it up.

Now.

Touch.

Let’s massage a foot today.

4 minutes in two 2 minute turns.

1^st turn: “just” massaging.

2^nd turn: thinking of “being of good cheer”/ the happy and exploratory child, as you massage their foot.

Then the other way around.

Then a couple minutes of sharing: how was it different both giving and getting as “straight ahead” massage, vs. “being of good cheer” massage.

Have a great day.

You could even be of good cheer all day, if you wished…

Cheers

Chris

Fear and Enlightenment, and talking to your love

From the forthcoming book:
Love, Lust & Enlightenment: Falling back in love with your mate, and becoming "Almost Enlightened" to boot.
call  for three free chapters

Fear and Enlightenment

Fear can be real. Someone is coming at you with a knife. A car is barreling down on you.

Move. Jump. Stay safe.

Then the iffy zone: a crazy person is asking for spare change. If they are not dangerous, it’s a chance to rise to your humanity. Be present. Be kind. Imagine what they have been through. Ask their name. Give them money or not. See their soul.

Everyone else is afraid of them. Your greatest gift might be to not be afraid.

And then there is the nutty world of “ordinary” awful life where we let ourselves be pushed around by the opinions of other people.

A wise and amazing sage of the first half of the 20^th century, a kind of cross between Rumi and Osho, of name George Gurdjieff said this was the central human slavery: our wish for outer approval and fear of outer disapproval.

Gurdjieff was enlightened.

This is a book about enlightenment.

He said, “Like what IT doesn’t like.”

And IT, our unconscious/ conditioned/ mindless “self”, the false self for sure, the source of our suffering, this IT very much is afraid of what other’s think and feel.

The simple solution: to hell with them.

And hey, maybe a little follow your breathing and sense gravity as you read and listen and I’ll do the same as I write , and will dig down into this.

If it’s the central human slavery and we are humans and want to be free, it behooves us to go down deep here, eh?

So: what is enlightenment?

Being in Reality and loving it.

Simple as that.

And what is Reality?

Some people like and appreciate themselves.

Some people don’t like and appreciate themselves.

Simple as that.

And how does that play out?

Those who like and appreciate themselves, will like and appreciate you. They won’t demand you appreciate them, but they will enjoy it if you do. They won’t NEED it, though, since they are already content from inside.

And, if they are really wise, they are sensing themselves and following their breathing and sensing gravity.

Why? That way they are giving themselves moment by moment the famous “attention” that people talk about when they say they aren’t getting “enough attention.”

If you fill yourself with inner attention, this is deeply satisfying.

(Extra bonus: because you are present, you can make choices the mindless you can’t)

Back to reality:

Those people who don’t like and appreciate themselves, will be critical of you.

They have to be. They are busy beating themselves up inside all day, and partly to relieve this pressure they need to project this out. If they don’t like their sloppiness or selfishness or lustiness or happiness they will be mad at you for being sloppy or selfish or lusty or happy.

It’s the way it has to be.

Unhappy people have to be critical of you.

Solution A: Avoid all unhappy people. Problem with this solution. Makes a narrow world. Though it’s a good way to pick your few friends. ( I’d go for awake and happy, and actually, without mindful, happy always, always crumbles.)

Solution B: Feel bad when unhappy people have thoughts and feelings critical of you.

Problem with this?

It’s insane. It’s like feeling bad because a dog poops. Dogs have extra gunk, need to get it out, and poop.

So be it.

Unhappy people have extra gunk and need to poop it out of their mind and heart and mouth.

So be it.

What does that have to do with you?

Nothing, unless you let it.

There is mumbo jumbo out there that other people’s emotions and “thought forms” can bring you down.

And they can’t.

Unless they are criticizing you in a way that piggybacks your own internal criticism.

So here’s the gift.

Someone criticizes you and you feel badly. Go inside and see how you agree with them and then stop.

Simple.

Demanding.

(Exactly as is being present. Simple and demanding. And, the only real path to freedom)

They have bad feelings, bad vibes and so on.

So be it.

See these bad feelings and vibes as you would a child who is having a nightmare. Their thoughts are out of reality. They are afraid of their own projection.

Calm them.

Or get them to become your client.

Or give them a little insight and if they take it fine.

Or say the truth: I feel your unhappiness.

Or ask if you can help, if you wish: do you want help with your unhappiness.

Anyone in “bad vibes” is suffering from internal hatred.

How you deal with this is your choice.

But feeling bad because they are feeling bad, is like taking on the feelings of a drowning person because they are drowning.

Nah. Throw them a life line.

Or it’s like feeling bad because a dog is pooping? Smile. What’s that got to do with you?

Okay, enough philosophy, the only philosophy worth pursuing: Who we really are (Love and happiness),  and how to be happy, and what are we meant to do with our lives.

We are meant to be free from being bothered by other people’s mental or emotional dog poop.

We are meant to be free from other people projecting their nightmare of how the world should be limited just the way their world is so painfully limited.

We are meant to see the game.

Good, and today with your partner, we will NOT do the Byron Katie work yet, we won’t forgive/ let go of the story they “should” have done something different in the past.

We will hang out where we have freedom: in the future.

We will say our complaints, as we did a few days back, in gibberish. But this time  we will voice a request for a future behavior in the future.

Notice a strange thing. Most people think these two lies.

One: The past “should” have been different.

Two: The future “can’t” be different.

Requesting every time you have a complaint will change your life.

And today, the complaint in gibberish.

Tomorrow we will write it down and blast it free with the four questions.

So, sit in the usual two chairs.

Partner A: I am alive. You are alive.

I notice these two things about myself in the present…

I notice these two things about you in the present..

Here is a complaint I have in gibberish…

Here is a request I have for what we could do  together in the future to change this… ( No backhand slaps disguised as requests:  You stop being an asshole.

And no, “it’s all you, you need to change requests like: You should listen to be more.

Always a two person solution.

For example, behind the gibberish complaint is “You don’t spend enough time with me.” The spoken requests could be, we take a twenty minute walk holding hands each day. We go to a concert once a week. We set aside an hour to talk each day. We give each other a massage each day. We hug and dance each day.)

I notice these two things about myself in the present…

I notice these two things about you in the present…

Pause. Three breaths.

Now partner B responds like this.

I am alive. You are alive.

I notice this about myself in the present…

I notice this about you in the present…

This was the gibberish complaint I heard…(Do a fun copy. Even imagining what they were saying, if you wish. But have fun)

This is the request I heard from you…

This is what I like about the request, and how I’d like to help make it happen…

(Or, this doesn’t quite work for me, can we modify it in this and this way)

I notice these two things about myself in the present…

I notice these two things about you in the present…

Pause. Hold hands. Three breaths.

And now, without any complaint. Have a discussion where you come to an agreement on some action you are going to take together as a result of this request, and the request having been heard, and any counter offers having been made.

Then the other way around.

Partner B goes through the present and complaining in gibberish and making a request.

Partner A responds as above.

Then another discussion

Then take a little walk and come back for one of the touch games.

Cheers

Sensing Yourself, the Gurdjieff meditation

Here’s how to enjoy being more awake in your day: be present to your arms and legs.

All day.

Get out of your head and come to your senses.

Get out of those words in your noggin and sense your feet and toes, as far away from your head as you can get and still be in your body.

Sense those feet and toes.

And legs.

Sense those finger and hands.

And arms.

That’s a lot of territory.

Try it now. All the leg, both of ‘em. All the arm, both of ‘em.

Sense the skin and the bones and the flesh and the nerves and anything else you can. From finger tips to shoulder. From the ends of the toes, to the hip joint.

Two arms.

Two legs.

The four limbs that move us around and allow us to move the world around.

Hugs people, hammers nails, hangs up the wash, writes the poem, ice skates, hunts, cooks, plants harvests the garden, dances, plays tennis plays the piano flute oboe viola, takes a walk swim stroll bath shower run.

Moves around.

Moves stuff around.

We evolved as moving beings. With a brain that could do more and more intricate ( and sometimes awful) things.

We move through our lives and right now, as you read, perhaps you’re remembering the breathing and gravity challenge, and perhaps not.

And now your legs are somewhere and your arms likewise can be sensed as right here now where they are right now.

And what if we feasted our attention on these beautiful arms and legs and finger and toes?

Well:, the Gurdjeiff meditation, here goes:

Sit in a chair. Or anywhere, feet on the ground/ floor.

Close your eyes.

RIGHT LEG

Start at the tips of your right toes.

Sense them all, and keeping the attention always where it’s been before, move your attention bit by bit up through your leg to sense all the inside and outer flesh of your toes, until you reach your feet.

The whole foot, all of it, inside and out.

The ankle.

Up, up, keeping all you’ve sensed so far.

The lower leg.

Knee. ( No words, just sense it as…..sensation)

The upper leg, all the way to the hip joint.

Sense this entire chuck of you, toe tips to hip joint. Fill it up with attention.

THE RIGHT ARM

Keep the entire right leg lit up with attention and add on the fingertips of the right hand.

Move up, through the ‘

Fingers

Hand

Wrist

Lower arm

Elbow

Upper arm, to the shoulder socket.

KEEP THE WHOLE RIGHT ARM AND ENTIRE RIGHT LEG IN ATTENTION.

Good.

And now, add on

THE LEFT ARM

Starting from the top, this mediation sometimes being called, “around the world.”

The left upper arm from shoulder down to the

Elbow and then

Lower arm, wrist, hand, fingers, finger tips.

KEEP THE WHOLE LEFT ARM AND TWO RIGHT LIMBS IN ATTENTION.

Now, finishing the “circle”

THE LEFT LEG

Upper leg at the hip joint, down through ALL of it to the

Knee

Lower leg, ankle, foot, toes and toe tips

Now sense all four, fully, for a long while.

Then

Add on listening. Hear whatever you hear WHILE KEEPING BOTH ARMS AND BOTH LEGS IN ATTENTION.

You now have inner and outer attention.

Bask in that for awhile.

Then OPEN THE EYES AND NOTICE REFLECTED LIGHT COMING IN TO THEM.

Four windows out into the world , two ears and two eyes.

Four bastions of inner attention, two legs and two arms.

Hang out in this fullness.

Now get up and go about your day staying in all this attention.

A meditation for a full life, all day, all places

Interlude: Bones and Gravity Meditation

The meditation is one you can start your day with.

This mediation is one you can live your day with.

This meditation is one you can use as the basis of your being present in both the talking and touching exercises you do each day.

This mediation will radically improve yoga, and love making, and walking and any sport or dancing or musical instrument.

Singing.

Making dinner.

Eating.

It’s about being present to the obvious: We have a skeleton in gravity.

The first part goes like this.

The bones. Sensing the skeleton in gravity.

Sit in a chair quietly, not leaning back in the chair and both feet firmly on the floor.

Close your eyes.

Start with the toes of your right foot. Start at the tips of the toes, and sense them as completely as you can, moving awareness back into the foot.

Sensing means “feeling” as sensation. Exactly what you feel. No evaluation, of sore or this or that. Exactly what you feel. As sensation.

The right leg
Move up in sensing from your right toes, into your right foot. All the bones and blood and muscles, and mainly the bones.

Throughout this meditation, keep awareness on the parts you have already sensed, as you add more.

Wake your way up through your right foot, to your right ankle, slowly, slowly up the lower leg.

The right knee.

The right upper leg. All the flesh and all the blood and mainly the big bone, all the way up to the hip joint.

Dwell for a while in the fullness of attention as sensing filling your right leg.

Keep this attention on this leg as you begin to sense…

The right arm

While keeping the right leg in full sensory attention, start with sensing the right fingertips.

Work slowly with attention up the fingers to the palm. Fill in the palm and hand with awareness, working toward the wrist.

Then, keeping that in awareness, move slowly up the lower arm.

Then the elbow, then the upper arm to the shoulder.

Dwell for a while in the fullness of attention as you sense your entire right leg and right arm.

Enjoy this for awhile.

Keep this attention “on,” as you begin to sense…

The left arm.

This is a circle. “Around the world.” Waking up the arms and legs that constitute so much of play, work and love (and getting from place A to place B) in life.

Keeping the right arm and leg in awareness, start with your left shoulder and sense the top of your left arm. Move slowly DOWN the left arm.

Upper arm.

Elbow.

Lower arm.

Wrist.

Hand.

Fingers out to all five left

Fingertips.

Dwell for awhile in awareness of right leg, right arm, and left arm, keep this in attention/ awareness as you move to the…

Left leg.

Since we are moving around the circle, put your attention on where your left leg starts in your left hip socket.

Get into awareness of this.

Sense down your left leg, all the flesh, blood, muscles, nerves, and especially that big bone.

Then keeping the thigh in awareness add on

Left knee

Left lower leg (working slowly done, quarter of an inch as t time)

Left ankle ( lots of bones in there)

Left foot

Left toes , all the way our to all five

Left toe tips

Now dwell in the luxury of two arms and two legs, and feel the difference left and right side, and feel these four limbs and providing and kind of “box” for your physical awareness.

Stay here and enjoy for awhile.

This is the “Gurdjeiff” part of this meditation.

Gurdjieff was a practical Russian mystic, who thought humanity was “asleep,” and to wake up, meditation need to be “in the world,” of action of daily life.

There is more to his meditation.

And now we’ll add on the rest of the skeleton, care of a man named Moshe Feldenkrais, who has been called the greatest movement genius of the 20^th century.

He was clear, as a judo expert, and PhD physicist and inventor of an amazing system of moving and feeling radically better in your body, that the brain paid attention to the body as “five lines.”

Two arms.

Two legs.

The spine and head.

(Think of a child’s drawing of a person, with the stick in the middle, arms and legs sticking out and a round head at top.

Think of the myriad of yoga “poses” as ways of rearranging these “five lines.”)

So, here’s the fifth line.

Keeping the four limbs in sensory awareness, add on…

The spine.

Start with your pelvis  where it’s pressing into the chair or wherever you are sitting. Sensing the meeting of the legs into the pelvis in the hip joints.

Sense the entire pelvis.

Move to the base of the spine.

Move slowly up the spine, as close to vertebra by vertebra as you can. ( Not easy)

Feel the neck, vertebra by vertebra, as close as you can.

Feel the skull balancing on the spine.

Add on the ribs, and shoulder blades and how they connect to the arms.

Dwell, as blissfully as you wish, in awareness of both legs, both arms, and the pelvis/ spine/ head/ ribs and shoulder blades.

Hang out here for awhile. As long as you wish.

Now add on the outside world.

Keeping sensing all the bones, and add on…

Listening to the outside world…

Hearing sounds from the outer world.

Notice how you now have inner and outer awareness.

Keeping sensing and listening add on..

The eyes.

OPEN YOUR EYES, and let in light.

 In the Gurdjieff meditation , they say to pay attention to reflected light coming in the eyes.

Do with that what you wish, but do feel the fullness of sensing your skeleton, both legs, both arms, the center, and noticing sounds in your ears, and light come in your eyes.

Now, and here’s how the Gurdjieff meditation differs than most:

Get up. Keep doing all this and go about your day in deep attention, both inward and outward.

This is a lot.

So is life.

Choosing attention is one of our only real choices.

Try it and see what happens.

The Passion Project

How would you like this in your relationships:


Presence, Purpose, Play, Passion

Awareness, Attention, "Anti-Aging"

Sensitivity, Sensuality

Silly, Serious, Sexy

Intimacy, Integrity, Identity

Oneness, Organic, Orgasmic

Nature-connection, Nurturing, Now-ing



Notice, now, who and how you are right love.

That's the beginning and the middle and the continuation of love.

Now.

Presence starts the list

Now-ing ends it.

Come visit for a free first hour session with your sweetheart to see how delicious the now can make even the most wonderful relationship


Chris

Awareness waits not

Life is here. Now.
We can have ideas about it, words in our head about it, complaints, demands, programs.
And wherever we are, the now is the place in which we are experiencing life.

How do we know we are experiencing life?
We are aware.

Of this, or that.
Or not aware, and the awareness of our toes or what is in front of our face, or what we are hearing is missing.
But we are aware of something.

It's almost silly to write about, except that it's such a relief to come home to a simple dwelling in being aware.

The experience we are having doesn't have to be thought about, doesn't have to be judged, doesn't have to be compared.

That's all the work of the word part, the thinking brain, which is what is putting down these words, but can these words remind you that there is a place, right now, always right now, that is aware.

Just aware.
And of course, attention can shift all around and the awareness flows out with the attention, and awareness is simply here.

Our breathing.
It's in. It's out. It's pausing.

Gravity.
On our feet, our pelvis, our backs or bellies or sides if we lie down.

The earth is around us, air we breathe, gravity that keeps us from floating away.

Light usually.
Sound almost always.

Lots of food for the pure experience of now.

And then, the mind tells us, often, we've got to "get things" done.

That may be true.
Might not.

And how much easier this doing is, if in the flow of awareness.

Cheating Unhappiness,2 --- shift happens, especially if you do

You are unhappy.
It happens.

Something is not going your way.
Someone is not "treating you right."

You have words in your head:
This should be different.
This shouldn't have been the way it was.



Shift to your left.
Really BELIEVE that the words in your head are true.

THINK THAT THIS IS THE TRUTH.

Get righteous about being right.


Now shift to your right.
Consider this:
Is this an opinion?
Is this a belief?

Is this not a truth, like the dropped rock that will fall, because gravity is a truth.

Is this a construct in your head that you WANT to be true?

And over here on the right:

Feel the words in your as mere opinion.

Go back and forth, shift weight :
Truth
Opinion
Truth
Opinion

see what that shakes loose

Cheating Unhappiness 1---- Shift Happens, if you do

Let's say you are unhappy.
It happens to us all.

The way out is to shift.

Left to right.
Shift to the left foot or the left side of your pelvis
and then
Shift to the right foot, or right side of your pelvis.



When you shift to the left, really get "into" all the words.
Unhappiness is always a big stack of complaining words in our head.
Shift left, and let them rip (inside yourself)
Admit you are dying for someone to listen to your complaint at agree with it.

Mainly though, shift left and indulge in all the thinking behind your unhappiness....


Now shift to the right.
COME TO YOUR SENSES.

Not the usual affirmations.
Not "letting it go," except when you are in your senses, you aren't in your words, so it gets let go of itself.

COME TO YOUR SENSES:
Sense your legs, your feet, your toes.
Or
sense your fingers and hands and arms.
Your spine, ribs, neck, head.

Your breathing.

COME TO YOUR SENSES:

Look at the world with your eyes.
Listen with your ears.
Smell with your nose.
Touch with your fingers.
Feel the clothes against your body.


Now compare the two:

Go back to the left and start up all the inner yammer and see your unhappiness come scampering back.

Shift to the right and sense the world, sense your body, perceive the world as here and now information--- no words of comment about what you sense. JusT;
COME TO YOUR SENSES.

Go back and forth as many times as you'd like.

(This might have something to do with the left and right sides of the brain, and it has something to with something in "the energy" where we write the troubled version the left side of the page and the freedom version on the right. But the movement is what counts.)
Shift the weight, shift your attention.

Shift happens, and if you guide it, make you can start to set yourself free.

In Dad's memory

Part of the glory of being in "the energy"  ( http://EnergyForSuccess.org ), is that relationships can get far easier than they used to be.

With my sister,  Suzy a radical shift has taken place, from something like hostility to friendship.

Part of this friendship is sharing of various topics that we never would have shared before, because we never would have talked.

Recently Suzy told of visiting a psychic in Newport Beach ( a novel and new undertaking for her) and hearing that our dead father, though surrounded by people who loved him, was a bit numbed out.

She and other sibs are thinking we can upgrade our input of positive remarks about James Cornelius Elms, IV.

So let me share just a few.

Once, my then wife and younger daughter of 2, were living the life of the early sixties and trying to make a commune work. We'd bought land with eight adults, two brothers and three couples, with five kids all together. The property, near Chico, CA, had a main house on it and we cooked there and had all the electrical things and washer and dryer.

Then each family went off to build their own sleeping cabins, which was a lot of fun for a bunch of city slickers who had never built before.

He comes to visit, and says that everyone else thinks we are crazy, but he explains it to them as we are being like the Rockerfellers, where they go off and have a big main lodge and side sleeping cabanas.

Sweet.



Another time, this wife, Peggy and I and our daughter even younger were living out in the country. I was teaching school. The property came with a batch of apricot trees and when we came to visit, he was dying to help, so we went out and pruned trees for awhile and he was enthusiastic to do useful work, commenting, "It wouldn't be hard to work up a good sleep around here."



Still a third visit, far later, when the daughter was off to college and he and I and my son, who was about seventeen at the time, visited a construction job I had in Berkeley, and had to get up on a roof to inspect something, and he remarked how amazing in was to have three generations of Elmses up on a roof, and how he could never have imagined this happening with his father.


Dad had his issues, lord knows, but when he got enthusiastic it was great, and he was a worker and loved to chip in for any type of work, though by the time of all these interactions he was a management and desk worker.

In his younger days he'd worked in labs, and young in his marriage he put together electronic equipment.

In the good moments, the world was a fascination to him and he loved to be part of a team getting something done.

Anything done.

A good sport and a good man.

Now, Nature, and Love-- Day One

Roses....

They don't give you shit.
They like to eat shit, literally.

They look great, so they give us something to do because think the nonsense we waste our time thinking.

They are what they are.
They don't want to be an elephant, they don't want to be a peony, they don't want to be a tulip.

They just are what they are.

If you love them, they are fine with that.

If you ignore them, they are fine with that.

If you hate them, prune them, ignore them, they are fine with that.

Though they do grow better with fish emulsion and mulch and water.

That we know from paying attention to them.

Practicing attention on plants and flowers and trees and sky might be a nice reminder that Life is happening, and somehow, some way, some miracle, we are right smack dab in the midst of it.

Good?
Feels like it to me.

How about you?

humor at our own hypocracy

During a bit of writing this morning, I was raging on a friend for their insistence on being right about how miserable they were.

Then I laughed at my insistence that they see how I am right about how they should see that they are right.

That word righteousness sometimes pans out to a real way to live, but most often leaves us smearing our own crap on another.

We are soooo sure that we are right that they are wrong.

Hmmmm. Not a useful equation, but like much in life, once seen, quite liberating and humorous.

Waking Up in Love-- do it, or the love will die..... argh

WAKING UP IN LOVE

You can fall in love and not be awake. You are swept off your feet for deep seated and/or idiotic reasons.

Doesn’t matter. You head turns off its dominance for awhile and you fall.

And then you get together.

It's all perfect.
And then it's not.

And then you have the choice, be mindful or mindless in your love.

Mindful seems a lot of trouble, except that it’s so fun, because you are present at each moment to new possibilities, to doing something different than your programming says to do, or different than either of you are expecting.

Mindless, as in not being present, as in not being mindful, is the default mode of human life, and if you have met Ms. Right, or Mr Right, it seems like you’re going to get away with drifting along on your good luck, except for a minor detail.

It won’t work unless you both have perfect parents.

If you both have perfect parents, then when things get stressful you can go to the mindless automatic solution you saw with your parents ( which, not so strangely, will be either mindfulness or something close: like humor, like listening, like putting the other first, like hugging and taking a breather, like… Who knows? Perfect parents must have a lot of cool ways of dealing with trouble.

I’ve never met anyone with perfect parents, but if it’s you, let me know what they did).

And then, the rest of us.

With imperfect parents, who had less than ideal ways of relating to each other when stress came down, if we are mindless then we are on automatic.

If we are on automatic we are going to go for our programming.

If they weren’t so good, these programs, usually something like putting the other down, not listening, get defensive, getting offensive, drinking, avoidance, having affairs, overeating…. Whatever they did not so well, if we are mindless, we have to drift back into copying their mode.

Which sucked for them, whether they stuck it out or not.

Aside: sticking it out has it’s advantages, and without real month by month mindful growth, it’s taking each other for granted, avoiding each other and going about somewhat robot lives, fighting a lot, various drug and or sexual escapes, all the above shenanigans.

So it’s a two way deal:

Be mindful.

That things aren’t going so well.

That stress is up.

That there are solutions out there.

That these solutions are to be had outside of the conditioned pathway.

( If you are in a couple and reading this and want to have a pile of non conditioned and amazing ways to break through to a new level, call, or email RIGHT NOW)

And what would being mindful look like.

Ah, lots of ways, and this is, since it can be done in almost all circumstances, talking or not, is the best I have found.

1 sensing entire right leg all toes to hip joint

2 adding on ( keep sensing leg)

Entire right arm

All fingers to shoulder 

3 adding on

Entire left arm

Shoulder to all fingers 

4 adding on ( keep sensing other three)

Entire left leg hip joint to all toes

5 adding on

Spine sensing pelvis to head

6 repeat and deepen 

All six

Then other way

7

Left leg toes to hip

8 add on

Left arm fingers to shoulder 

9 add on

Right arm shoulder to fingers

10 add on

Right leg hip to all toes

11 add on

Spine from pelvis to head

12 

Everything 

13 back to right side first

Do things in multiples of 12

Breathing 

One breath each as driving say

Balance

On left foot

Swing right foot back from floor to behind

36 times

Sensing the count as above

Then other way

Balance too two

Stand on left foot

Hold right knee both hands

Pull to chest on outbreath

Do 24 or 36 times

Then other way

This will bring presence in a real embodied way

For 

tension 

"Coming home " to now

Increasing attention

Getting free of thought and outside triggers

Slowing down 

Real balance & strength 

Alright: go to it.

With a mate or not, being mindful in our bodies is fun, wonderful, useful and reminds us of the most important thing in the world:

Which is?

You tell me.

Cheers,

Chris

Maybe the violence/ aggression post was too narrow-- TWO NERVOUS SYSTEMS—APOLLONIAN vs DIONYSIAN—BOTH RIGHT

TWO NERVOUS SYSTEMS—APOLLONIAN vs DIONYSIAN—BOTH RIGHT

Once there was a panel from a number of successful communes throughout the country. When asked what the central problem was, a large majority said: Dogs!

My dog’s barking and doglike behavior is great to me, but may be annoying as hell to another.

(Same with my frisky child, seen by another as my bratty child)

This is my third time around on the slapping issue, slapping as a part of the Authentic Games nights,  and having had the epiphany that for some people this is a big kick, and in a certain way, I don’t have a right to interfere with that kick, set the quietness in motion from which these reflections can take place.

The “problem” is age old in societies. Does the perky young neighbor’s right to have a hell of a good time having a noisy party at 1 AM come first or my wish to have some sleep starting at 11.

The dogs issues shows it’s not an age thing, though it often plays out that way.

Taking it down a notch more, does the Toddler’s right to bang the hell out of the pans and learn about gravity by pouring the milk on the floor over ride the parent’s desire for some order and peacefulness.

And then there are the two nervous systems. Parasympathetic calms us, creating conditions for digestion, sleep, relaxation. Sympathetic ( I know, it’s a weird matching) is to jack us up, get us ready for fight or flight or sex or vigorous activity ( no surprise sports and war language going hand in hand).

Both have their cool sides. Jacked up, hyper alert, ready for anything, this is ecstatic dance at it’s loudest or any of the old orgiastic times, called Dionysian by the Greeks, for the god of drink and merriment.  Thrashing around the campfire, letting off steam, or getting ready for the orgy, or charging up in war paint to go off to war.

No doubt about it, this is a fun one.

The calmer nervous system is more boring sometimes, and cultivated say in slower, more mindful movement, tai chi and whatnot, or mindful walking or meditation, or moments of quiet in a busy day.

The Apollo  way, Apollonian, calm and ordered. Which actually isn’t how real meditation is, but that’s another story.

So the slaps come along. The shouting comes along. Not my cup of tea. My hearing on the left side and my sight in my left eye are both considerably weaker. Think through where a right handed slap from good old Mom would land.

But that doesn’t mean for the young bucks, this isn’t a hell of a great chance to experience something young bucks have been experiencing as long as we’ve had these two nervous systems, which is a pretty long time.

Young bucks, let’s say in this day and age, includes women who don’t want to deny that frisky wild woman part.

I could yammer a bit more about ecstatic dance vs what I used to call the geriatric dance (Dancing together), and why I liked to go back and forth between the two, but the fun of this now, is realizing: both sides are right.

We need peacefulness.

We need alert vigorous living.

How does this fit in the Authentic Games room?

I’m not sure.

I do know someone slapping in my sight, or shouting in my hearing range, has to activate my parasympathetic nervous system.

What I don’t’ know, that I thought I did when I jumped into this fray, is whether that’s anything I have any right to want to restrain or put conditions on.

Ah, life. Uncertainty can be very sweet at times.

Talk without being in "their business." Kissing as the touch mode. Day twelve of sixty

Day Twelve

This is going to be talking back and forth.

This is the beginning of a whole new way of communicating.

You stay in your business.

They stay in their business.

You leave any comments, “help,” advice, criticism, interpretation out of the puzzle.

You are going to listen with no plan of responding. They are going to talk about anything but you and anything but the relationship.

You are going to listen.

You are going to talk about anything but

Them

The relationship

What they just talked about.

Three minutes each, back and forth. No feedback. No reflective listening.

Just listening.

JUST listening.

Listening is so rare, and this is listening that isn’t cuing up for our smart advice, or retort, or additional thing to say.

Simply, deeply, fully listen.

This is good.

Back and forth.

Three times.

Eighteen minutes.

You can get in the fun of “not being in the other person’s business.”

You talk of your day, your goals, your childhood, your experiences in the present.

They do the same.

You leave each other alone.

TOUCH

Twelve minutes left.

Two turns of 2 minutes each, kissing the other anywhere but the mouth.

Two turns of 3 minutes each, kissing the other anywhere but the mouth that they request.

Two turns of 1 minute each sharing how it was and the difference.

Waking Up, Being Present, Violence & Aggression

WAKING UP, BEING PRESENT, VIOLENCE and ...AGGRESSION

(There were a few folks, who in an Authentic Relationship Game night, when the game was making requests that were granted or not, asked for and got slapped. I already stirred up a storm posting elsewhere about the mirror neuron side of slapping in public, we are wired to identify either with the aggressor or the victim.... This takes the interaction to the level of ...
waking up as the main job on Earth
and
looking at a deeper level of what we are asking for when we ask for something "edgy")


Paula Poundstone says it’s possible to have jokes without aggression, it’s just that they aren’t funny.

Aggression is a vital aspect of creativity ( destroy that blank page, that white canvas, that old idea), and sex, and teasing. But in all those, aggression is blended with more. Much more.

Violence has some problems on this planet earth, and yes yes people do pay good money to watch boxing matches, and football contests, and support the troops doing god knows what, and pay the filmmakers to watch pretend death slaughter and mayhem.

Violence vs aggression. This is a distinction worth studying deeply.

And, this is where this note is going to get annoying.

I going to posit BEING PRESENT as something real to do in all our presents. Which includes now..

Ah, so easy to say. And as I type this, am I present to my fingers on the keyboard and the light in the room and the feeling of weight of my pelvis on the chair and feet on the floor? Am I aware of the breathing going in and out and the sounds of traffic outside?

Having switched my attention to being present, I’m a yes to all that, and to be honest, when I typed about Paula and all the smart hooey about violence vs aggression, I wasn’t present.

It’s hard to be present handwriting and even harder typing in to a computer.
And reading.

While reading…a book, the Chronicle, this epistle, the rest of facebook, what is being present to you? Is it too much trouble, and if not, what shifts when you become present now (and only this now, THIS NOW, will work) to gravity and light and sound and breathing and …..

Where do you like to wake up, when you wake yourself up to the present?

There is a reason most meditation retreats are non talking.

Writing and reading are very very hard to stay present

 in Talking and listening to talking , especially in a give and take conversation where we can’t wait to say our very, very important bit: hard to stay present.

Just saying, for those who raise their hands to be present.
Once we open our mouths it gets hard.

And in these two areas it might be hardest of all: talking/ writing/ reading about sex or violence.

And here we go....
(Present?)
IF SOMEONE GIVES YOU A REQUEST TO SLAP THEM, WHY WOULD YOU SAY YES?
1. You have traces of annoyance in your history with them, and it’s a way to get it out?
2. You had parents who whacked you, and it’s a chance to go the other way.
3. They seem needy for punishment and you want to oblige them
4. It’s the “cool/ edgy” thing to do, and you want to be part of it
5. You have erotic impulses and some strong skin contact will get some of that message across?
6. You name it
7. You find it
8. Still present?????

Someone asked me to slap them.
I said no.
I will not reveal my speculations as to why they asked for it, but I’ll say that I don’t want to hit people. I have impulses that I’d rather not follow out. I don’t think it’s good for the room. I think it’s extremely poor information for the person who gets slapped. ( My opinion. I was spanked. I spanked a bit my kids and got disgusted with myself and stopped. If we are present and watching someone get hit, there are things to see.)

Even if people “like” being slapped/ hit/ stomped , there are things to see that staying very present might help us see.

And
Ah, I won’t go there except to say: many people’s idea of their body, is not the flesh and bones and structure and joy of movement but only their collection of pains and tensions. Much “stretching,” over exercises, over yoga and so on is that until there is pain, people don’t think they are real.

Still present?)


IF YOU ASK SOMEONE TO SLAP YOU, WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?
Being edgy may be one.
And getting a certain kind of attention parents often give is another.
Diverted sexuality might be one.
And there are many more.
I’d avoid the answers that come quickest to mind. But that’s just me.

Still present?

But here’s the third question:

IF I ASKED SOMEONE NOT TO SLAP ME, BUT WOULD THEY SLAP ME IF I ASKED THEM, AND THEY SAID YES, I’D HAVE A CERTAIN FEELING/ HINT/ INTUITION ABOUT THAT PERSON.

I won’t go into what that is, but this is what mindfulness is for….to Pause between impulse and action, and discover if perhaps the mindless mode is, as most mindless modes are, a straight line back to unconscious programming.
And why someone would say yes to a request to slapping me might tell me a lot about their unconscious programming.

Still present?

Happy Easter. Happy solstice. Happy dying of the light.
And resurrection.

Waking Up in Relationships

day eleven

This may be your actually day eleven. Or it may be the first day of your second month, and you’ll once again do ten days in three cycles.

Whatever it is, the PART A, mini version, is only going to be given at the end of the talk and the touch section. And it won’t be called Part A, but the minimum daily dosage.

It’s time to settle in and admit how important this relationship is to us. Even if it’s going to come to a shifting apart at the end of six months ( that’s the minimum to really work something through with someone you love.)

We’re going to have longer practices this ten days, and the touching is going to involve kissing and making out. We’re working our way up to the sexual parts, or the genitalia at least, and kissing is far, far underrated as an erotic past time.

I’d say we all should be making out at least fifteen minutes a day. Tongues and touch. Skin.

Ah.

Oh, wait, we have a talking part, and the make out won’t come today, but soon, soon. ( In the book. No law/ rule/ commandment or even recommendation that you don’t start making out before the book suggests. Even now: fling down the book and make out for awhile. See if you die.

Ha)

TALK

TALKING DEEP

LISTENING DEEP

THE SEED SOURCE OF LOVE

Okay. Here’s a five part game we are going to play many, many times.

I’m indebted to the Authentic Games community for this game, and it’s good for business, love and even ( EVEN!) creating an amazingly quick and deep connection with a stranger or new person in your life.

It goes like this:

There are two partners, A and B. ( Alternate days you are A and you are B. Though both get the full turn, A will start the talking always)

A: Talks for 3 minutes.

B: Reflects back, as closely as possible, the exact words they heard A say. No interpretations. No inferences. That’s later. 2 minutes

A: Give additional insight. Where B got it a little wrong. Where B forgot something that was important. Where A realizes they needed to put more emphasis. Where A realizes that the real theme of the sharing was slightly different than they’d thought the first time around. 1 minutes.

B: Tells A, either/ or:

What they “got” about A as a person from both of their shares.

What was the strongest emotional resonance in their sharing. What was the juiciest part of what they where sharing.

2 minutes. Go slowly. Really hone in to what you feel, FEEL, and think and intuit that A is like.

A: Share gratitude for being heard and listened to and “got” by B. Any places that B “got” you that didn’t really connect with who you feel you are, share that there needs to be more learning between to two of you. Not criticism. Just the reality. We’ve all got a long way to go to learn what another person is like.

1 minutes.

Pause. Breathe. Hug or hold hands. Be grateful for this. 1 minute.

So we’ve got

3 minutes A’s initial share

2 minutes: B reflecting back the words

1 minutes: A fine tuning their share

2 minutes: what B “gets” about A

1 minute: A’s gratitude and hints as to areas of future discovery.’

1 minute: hug, touch, pause, Breathe, integrate.

Total : 10 minutes.

I’d prefer a longer version. Which I’ll give on day 20 for the repeating practice. A version that will take 13 minutes each way. But for now, I want to keep within the half hour limit, which will mean ten minutes ( minimum) touch each day.

So, ten minutes each way.

I haven’t given the topic today.

“What you want the relationship to be.”

“What you want the relationship to be.”

Be uncertain, be vulnerable, be outrageous, be tentative, be certain. Share where you are today. We may well do this topic every other day.

The minimum daily dose, and you’ll have to try the full version above to experience how paltry this is in comparison:

2 minutes sharing: What you want the relationship to be. 1 minute feeding back what the listener “got” about you.

TOUCH

We have ten minutes left over.

We have lips.

That like to kiss.

In four minute batches, please have a recipient, in any position they chose, and a giver/ kisser.

The kisser/ giver kisses the recipient in as many places as their intuition calls for. Except the lips.

That’s tomorrow.

The recipient can make requests.

Or just soak it in.

Four minute each way.

Then One minute each sharing how give was for you and how getting.

Minimum daily dose.

Two minutes of kissing as per above. Each person goes each way.

One minute sharing how getting and giving was.

A gratitude and touching and liking game for Thanksgiving

Something to do with someone you like. You love. You are hanging out with. You barely know.

Sit near to them.
Look each other in the eyes.

Say this. For three minutes, with a timer.
Go through these five statements, over and over.

"I notice this about me...

“I notice this about you…

“This is what I'm grateful  about life..

“I like this about me…

“ I appreciate this about you…”

 Repeat this for three minutes

“I notice this about me...“

“I notice this about you…

“This is what I'm grateful for about life..

“I like this about me…

“ I like appreciate about you…”

After the three minutes. Pause. Look at each other. Enjoy this.

Then the listener shares back, as long as it takes, what they heard and what they "got" about the other person from this sharing/

Then going the other way: tell it back the other way around. 

First noticing yourself, as a person in the moment. 

Notice the other in the moment.

Like... life

Like .. yourself

Like.. the other

Liking and gratitude and love and appreciation, all swirling around in the Thanksgiving of this amazing gift called life.

In the present of the present,
and liking
and love
and gratitude
and appreciation

TOUCH

For three minutes: massage the other person’s foot. Paying attention to :

What you like about it.

What it feels like to your fingers.

What specific parts of them you are touching.

What you imagine they are liking about it.

For two four one massages the other's foot, and then switch it the other way.

Then one minute feedback each, How it was giving? How it was getting?

REPEAT,
Either the massage, or the liking life, self and the other.

AS many times as you wish.

It's your life.

Connection feels good.

Have you noticed?