Monday, November 21, 2011

Beyond the arguing, hey, let's try something else

Most so called conversation
is two people, semi-listening
and mainly
"thinking" what they are going
to say
and waiting for an opening
to sneak, shove, slide or otherwise
to insert
very very important words

BAD conversation
aka arguing
aka "fighting" has two generic
one worse than the other
and both  a sad waste of
human life love
and liberty

the normal awful arguing mode
generic style is:
person A, telling person B
I'm right, and you are wrong

person B, sees it just the opposite
and is defending, attacking, interrupting,
whatever it takes for this important message:
I'm right and you are wrong

notice the similarity in their messages

the AWFUL style
is both have this message:
I'm good, you are bad


what's some alternatives,
non habitual communication
as it were

one is Non Violent Communication
which isn't my training
and it's roughly:
let the other guy talk
+ really listen
and then say:
okay, what it seems to me
is that your feel ......
because you need/ want/ feel you aren't getting.....

It takes the amazing assumption
the other person has real issues, feelings, and order in their
own world


A tried and true other way:

person A listens
person B talks, rants, accuses
whatever for awhile
(way way best to set a timer here,
a little ranting goes a long way if
person B has to really listen, can't interrupt,
and had to repeat it back)

and that's the next step
person B says to A,
here's what I heard you say,
and gives it back
without any interpretation
or defending

( tough stuff,
but good,
"You said I was a creep
and never pay enough attention to you,
and I really let you down when...")

And then, B asks: did I miss anything
(another reason for a 2 minute to 3 minute turn each,
it's hard to remember too much stuff,
especially when it's emotional "stuff')

if A says you missed....
then B says, okay, I missed ....

If A says, no you got it,
then B takes a short turn
A listens without interruptin
and repeats it back

Called reflective listening

this practice,
the non habitual listening
and honoring the other person,
can really help
that wounded feeling of
"You don't care about me,
won't listen to me feeling"

which is often true in arguing
when the yelling is about OUR important
and precludes listening

there are two more cool non habitual
communication games
I like

and let's make it short

each requires you to
take turns with a timer
it can be a little,
or a lot longer,
since there is no feedback

in the first type:
when it's your turn
you talk about anything
except any feedback, suggestion, etc
about what the other said

so each of you agrees to only talk
about issues that don't involve the other

in the more complicated type,
you can address whatever came
but you have to listen when it's your turn
to listen
and the more you can keep it
in the famous "I" statement
the better

this is tricky
and can work in a mature
especially one committed
to full time being present

this wasn't really a poem
was it?

who knows

could we both,
you gentle reader
and me sincere writer,
go back to the beginning
and read the whole darn thing
with an attempt to follow our breathing
and sense two arms
and two legs
and one
at the same

I'll give it a go

you'll do what you do

i had to read it several times,
discovering typos along the way

and rereading
and going slowly
is nice

very nice

at a point
the words
didn't matter,
just being present
plenty good

hope your
is presenting you
with ease and joy

and if nothing else
that thrill of being
in your life
at the moment you are living
your life

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