what is failure, if we leave the fear and "story" out of it

things don't "go our way" sometimes

have you noticed?

we can either get lost in the story of "poor me, it's so hard"
or the "I'm a failure"
or "X is to blame"

all the bullshit, you know 'em
the hooks into "life sucks/ is too hard/ i'm jinxed" blah blah.



or we can do the work on
our inner critic's stories,
find out what's left
( who we really are)
after the four questions
and the turn around ( see the work, the work of Byron Katie
and

then play:

what actually happened?
What options do we have for the future?

can we find at least three?

can we find at least three that we'll enjoy trying?

and
while we need a little recharge,
can we take something simple,
like turning our head, and find
three or more ways
to do that?

brains love to learn
the new is the food of the now

movement with attention is
the quickest way
to wake up learning
and loving
the new
in our brains and beings

so,
hey,
move three ways

smile

look up at the sky
feel your feet on the ground
feel the life is you now

and then, write the three options
or four

and write how you want to feel
in those options

and do
something
a little bit

anything

good

what are other people for?

what are other people for?

to ignore while you are texting
people somewhere else,
of course

the "morning meditation" , Gurdjieff style

this meditation has the elegance
to be a start of a day of either being present
or having stark evidence that you are not

it's being in your body

like this:

sit in a chair
close your eyes

sense all five right toes, from the tips
on in
keeping them in sensing,
add on your whole foot, from
toe end to heel

keeping the whole food in sensing
move up
bones, flesh, muscles, blood, anything you can
be aware of,
not as visual or verbal but as actual
here and now sensation

move up:
toes
foot
ankle
lower leg
knee
thigh
hip joint

keep this whole leg "lit up" with sensing

and then add on your right arrm

finger tips ( all five)
fingers
hand
wrist
lower arm
elbow
upper arm
shoulder

now hang out awhile one sided
right arm and right leg "lit up"

and then
keeping them in sensation,
go to the left shoulder
and
work/ sense/ aware down

left shoulder
upper arm
elbow
lower arm
wrist
hand
fingers, all five
finger tips, all five

now hang out in
right arm , right leg and left arm

then

left hip
left thigh
knee
lower leg
ankle
foot from heel then to toes
toes
toe tips, all five

then sense
both arms
and both legs fully
and enjoyably for awhile
or for a long while

then, notice sounds coming in your ears
and keep sensing all four limbs

attention out
plus
attention in

notice the fullness of that

then,
open your eyes
and pay attention to reflected light
coming in your eyes

while
noticing sound coming in your ears
and
sensing both arms and both legs

and then

go live you day
with awareness in those six places


walking, talking, doing this, texting,
driving, working, love making, eating

this can be the background
awake zone in
which you live

and when you've forgotten
tis no perhaps,
you are there
or you are not

on
or
off

and on feels good

try it
and
see
hear
sense

good

the now waits for no one, and..

the now waits for no one
and
hey, fair's fair
no one has to wait for the now

feeling bad?
it's probably a thought

how are we going to know that?
come into the ( no waiting required)
now

and notice:
am I having a thought that tells
me that
the world sucks
I suck
this situation sucks
my feelings suck
my thoughts suck
my body sucks
my X man/woman/blah blah sucks

and
then
try the question #4 from our friend
and easy buddy
Byron Katie

Who would I be without the thought?

Even three seconds.

No thought.

See what happens.

What the hell to do in the three second
immensity

hang with the now
of
say

gravity
light
sound
breath
nature
legs
arms
spine

or
an idea of a change
a choice
a game
you want to play

choice
choice
choice
comes about in the now

( for which we don't have to wait....
have I said that?)

choice
choice
choice

once the this or that sucks voice is
silent,

choice
choice
choice

what little step could you take
in the now
of nothing sucks because
there is no thought to
tell you it sucks

what could you aim for?

what are your goals?

what do you want?

can you feel the power and pull of
that

now?

Doing it better, vs Doing it Right

You know, gentle reader, this is a trap that can ruin our lives:
the wish to get something right.

The fervor to help another be right.

The pressure to perform something just right.

And besides killing the fun, what's wrong with this strategy
of
"getting it right?"

Let's take someone trying to improve their golf.


The choices are: going for doing it right
and
going for doing it better

Here are some possibilities each way:

Doing it Right

1. Being chronically tense, because you are "trying" so hard

2 Missing the moment by having your attention on what "right" "should" be

3. Going slightly crazy always comparing right to what you are doing, and having a stream of reasons why what you are doing is "wrong"

4. And if, miracle on miracle, you slog through all that and hit the ball "right," Then that's it. Your at the upper limit. It can't get any better. Shucks.

Now,
in this other world,
the world of Now
and the world of Curiosity
and the world of Discovery
which is to say the fertile fields of Doing it Better

there are all sort of possibilities

Better at being relaxed
Better at sensing your feet
Better at sensing your back
Better at breathing
Better at looking at the ball and the world
Better and sensing each finger
Each toe
Each vertebrae
The weight on your feet
the freedom in your neck
the breeze in the trees
the joy of being alive
the sun on your skin
the songs of the birds


all that being alive hooey

which isn't for everyone.
lots of dead people
lots of rocks and water molecules that never got to be alive,
or not yet anyway

skip that detour:
we are alive.

better at being alive
and the joy of discovery and learning
and how
would that play out on the golf course

and perhaps PLAY out is a good way to say it

ciao
for
NOW
Chris

From special needs blog, but you can/ we can all use it too: ENTHUSIASM

extrapolate to your adult life,
to your relationships,
to your parenting,
 this will be usedful.

 here's the post,
from
SpecialNeedsChildren-chriselms.blogspot.com

Wow,
this chapter says a lot

It's like the magic spice
to make the meal of your child's improvement
delectable

Here's the deal:

It's not jumping up and down and clapping
It's not hovering like a hawk, pressuring the child to do something great,
so you can whoop it up

It's subtle
and extremely powerful.

It's your own, inner delight,
a smile pouring out from your heart,
and delight in your whole being

AT SMALL AND REAL CHANGES

If your child can't walk,
and your are waiting for that to get happy and excited,
your child may never learn

But is she gets interested in her toes,
or plays with rolling her hips,
or arches and rounds her back in a way that she's enjoying and noticing,
or....
on and on,
any little change, any little improvement
any little learning

this is what you can be noticing and feeling good about,
and radiating out that you feel good about it

sometimes you can say something,
sometimes, it's better to wait a bit

Anat makes some good distinctions that are not usually made:

No applause when a child does something the first time.

the first time is always something like an accident, a happy stumbling into something new,
but an unknown combination of their prior skills,
but it's new
and if you make a big to do about it,
their attention gets hyjacked into your attention,
not their own feelings and sensations

they need their inner awareness

they will repeat,
from within

wait, and see,
don't distract them into thinking the world is about outside approval
too much of life is wasted there

they need the inner time

and again,
another subtle point:
same thing, really:

DON'T ASK FOR AN ENCORE
if it's new,
they are busy getting excited and learning in their own
way
and may very well not be clear of how this came about
asking for a repeat will completely derail their inner learning

So,
what do we have:

It's about you,
feeling excited, positive, loving, aware
of little changes,
small changes
and conveying that without a big fuss to the child

( in the Son Rise method, they like the big fuss.
this might work better on the spectrum, but I'd pay a lot of attention to the
difference
between positive reinforcement and enthusiasm-- see which really would feel the best for you, a rah, rah talk, or actual deep and present awareness and appreciation)

There's a great anecdote about a couple,
one of whom, the dad Ton, was quite, but clearly aware of the changes his son was making,
the other,
the mom Jackie,
was always worried about how much more progress was needed.

Though neither voiced this ,
the child, Jacob, clearly learned more in lessons when the father was sitting in the room full of delight and inner encouragement
than when the mom was in the room, feeling discouraged the child has "so far" to go

And what's the Mom to do?
What are we to do?

One:
If you can do it, do it. Show enthusiasm, quite, powerful, inward, toward the smallest of your child's learnings.

And if you can't: BUILD THE ENTHUSIASM MUSCLE

How.
1. Get honest or at least make an attempt to discover what's stopping you, what inner story

2. Remember times you were enthusiastic about something, and  feel that feeling inside

3. Practice applying that feeling to a situation you might not ordinarily feel enthusiastic about, like doing the dishes

4. Now apply it, to your child, when she or he makes little improvement

This is cool stuff, because this sort of enthusiasm and appreciation can be lavished on many people and many situations, to grand effect in lots of areas in your life.

Here's Anat's words on what this chapter is about:
"DEVELOPING YOUR ABILITY TO CREATE AND AMPLIFY YOUR CHILD'S TINIEST CHANGES AND IMPROVEMENTS"

Enthusiasm, is the joy juice that amplifies what was learned in your child's brain, and helps that learning get grooved in.

Not just grooved in as important.
But grooved in as happy.
As joy.

It's fun to learn.

And can be done daily, and even more than that.

Get cracking.
But slowly, subtle, with variation, awareness, and
enthusiasm.
Cheers
Chris

awakened tai chi

do try this at home

either do tai chi
whatever form you like

or fake it
move your weight from one foot to the other,
and in each shape of your feet, create a corresponding arm shape

here's the waking up part

on the foot where you have the weight:
pick a toe
sense that toe, and that whole leg up to your hip
and your pelvis
and your spine
and your ribs
and your opposite shoulder
and your opposite arm
all the way out to the corresponding finger
of that hand

so,
you shift your weight to your left foot,
your hands are in a certain configuration
you pick your left big toe
and then sense that toe
and everything between it and the right thumb,

then shift your weight to your right foot,
have the hands where you want them,
and sense everything from right big toe
to the left thumb

then keep shifting and either stay on one pair for awhile,
or work up and down your fingers each pair of moves,
but eventually you'll get all the way to right little toe and left little finger
and everything in between
and left little toe and right little finger
and everything in
between

then work your way back
or start at the thumb/ big toe again

this takes a lot of attention
this wakes up your inner connections 
big time

this is
mindfulness 
in action

not on a meditation pillow

and not trying to do the tai chi "right"

but doing the tai chi,
or whatever faking creating you are doing,
doing this movement 
awake

waking up in movement
is the easiest way to
bring our attention to now

and this version ups the game
to a LOT of attention
in each movement

and hey:
guess what, gravity is a fairly big
deal on this planet

as is
having two legs

and mindful
is full
of mind

this gives your mind a lot
of fullness

enjoy

( oh, yeah>.. it's "hard"
and we certainly can't sleepwalk through it..


enjoy
wake
try
go slower
attention is more important than effort
and
some light and skilled
effort at reigning in our attention
is certainly
useful


here
there
everything
cheers
chris

from adyashanti

We go through life walking in 
the immense darkness 
of unknown realities 
with a little flashlight in our hands,
 imagining that only what our
 little light makes visible is real. 

We generally see and experience only
an infinitesimally small sliver of 
what actually exists
 and remain strictly within the confines 
of what our tiny light illumines. 

The true power of life does not lie within the confines 
of our tiny light, 
but in the immense darkness of unknown realities
 that are the greater story of our lives.

 Our lives are much more immense 
than we know, and connected to vast currents
 of hidden influences and possibilities. 
But we must stretch out into the darkness 
with the full measure of our longing, and 
surrender 

to the greater unknown context of our lives in order to begin to embrace and be embraced by a Love
 that is awaiting our invitation.

 And it is not only an invitation 
in word but also in deed—the act of offering our 
Being and the fullness of our lives to the
 darkness of the unknown currents—

eternal possibilities that 
we cannot control

 but must instead invite with heartfelt surrender.

New love, new life

new love
is not a person

but an awakening

to this moment

this bite,

this sunlight

this room light

this sound
and
then
this one

it's the ease of
each moment

allowed to float out
just as it pleases


and why is that a new love?

now
is
always
new

haven't you noticed?
cheers
Chris

Who am I?

The central question in life
and one best faced before that last month before we
die

is.

who am, I?

what is this being alive thing?

Here's a quote I found on facebook,

A rabbi in Jerusalem was once giving a talk about relationships. 

He said, 

"When you're looking at the person you're with, 

the question shouldn't be, 

'Is this the person I could spend the rest of my life with?' 

Rather, the question should be, 

'Am I the person, 

when I'm with this person, 

that I could be with for the rest of my life?"

And, 

why does it have to be the rest of your life?

How about a half a year at a time?

Plants don't live forever and we don't think a California poppy is a failure

what of six months at a time,

to see what can blossom into beauty in that time

then again,
who am I?

who is the me
that I want to be

to live with me

and to love as many people
as possible
for the rest of my life?


ah, that might be worth asking,
sure
yes

why not?

Subtle, one of Anat Baniel's nine essentials. the Monday essay in the kids blog

Subtlety means, using less force. Less effort. Less noise. Less intensity.

As always, this is about your child's brain.
And as always, this is about your chance to radically improve your own life and awareness as you are helping your child.

If you carry a heavy book in your hand, and someone adds a pen, you won't feel the weight of that pen.
If you carry an envelope and someone adds a pen, you'll feel the difference.

If you light a match across a sunlit field, you might not see it at all.
In the dark, it will be bright and clear.

Too much background "noise" / information, and our brains can't pick up the little details,
the smaller level of information that is needed.

Her Anat Baniel says it on 113, again, the key to this all:

The brain's ability
to perceive fine differences
is at the heart
of its ability to generate new information
for organizing new,
more refined, and
more exacting action
and for overcoming limitations.

If the brain doesn't perceive the difference, it doesn't exist for that person.
Too much background intensity, and the learning can't take place.

Anat then tells the story of a little girl with cerebral palsy who had had enough overzealous lessons, that she reacted to all attempts at movement, her own attempts or others attempting to move her, with excessive and powerful curling up into a ball.

Anat discovered that had to play the L A Z Y game, to begin to get the girl's brain to allow her to experience small and different movements without shifting into excessive force and contraction.

This took awhile, but once it happened, the learning was rapid and clear.

Think of what we've learned so far:
SLOW , VARIATION, MOVEMENT WITH ATTENTION

Say you are moving a child's arm up and down, and then sideways, horizontally.
Clear differences.
Highly useful to a child who didn't use her arms well.
And you could be slow.
And you've got the variation of side to side and up and down.
But it you are yanking with great force the two variations, even if slow, the child is just going to feel the excess, and no learning is going to take place.

Differences.
We are feeding the brain, ours and our children's, differences.

Vary what we do.
Go slow.
Use as little force as possible.

Make it something the child can grasp with his attention.

This is for you and for your child.

( There is a bit in here about letting a child learn numbers. It's better to read it all. The point is that thinking is organizing the world from perceived differences, and once the child understood the fundamental idea of numbers he went from clueless to loving math)

For you:
Move more gently when you touch your child.
Keep your emotions down if provoked. That just adds fuel to the fire.
It's all about being sensitive to how little effort you can put into making movement or speech or action.
Effort in the sense of excessive force. This isn't about being a slug.

And for your child:
Keep their movement within their comfort.
Try to feel how they are feeling things.
Encourage games where the play with loud/ quite, or firm grasp/ light grasp.
Even you: light pressure, firm pressure on their leg say.

There is a wonderful example of a child having trouble walking because she isn't sure if her feet are under her hips, outside of them, or inside.

Instead of trying to create this learning when she's got all the effort of standing, sit her down, and play games with feet closer and farther apart. One foot moving. ( Eyes closed) Which foot was it? Did it move in or out.
And on and on.

Slow here too, and variation, but with the more subtle zone of sitting , so she can notice differences.

Treat yourself and your child like a Stradivarius. The brain can do amazing things. Make it easy by being as subtle as you can.

And enjoy it.

This is fun.

Black People ( Those formerly known as Negroes)

I'm rereading a fabulous book
Americanah,
by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

I feel it's my reward in a way for having suffered through,
braved through, learned way more than
this secure American wanted to know about the genocide
in Nigeria
having read
Half a Yellow Sun, her amazing first book.

And
Americanah,
is tremendous.

Love
Smarts
Sociology in spades

take that all the ways you want

part of the thrill of this book is that the main
character
Ifemelu, from Nigeria in the United States
write an anonymous blog ( among other things so the readers can't guess if she's Caribbean of African black,
the title;
Racteenth or Various Observations About American Blacks (Those Formerly Known as Negoes) be a Non-American Black

entry after entry in this fictional blog is worth the price of the book alone


let me just nudge into this discussion,
one we all like to avoid,
most of us anyway,

by talking of an amazing discovery in my younger days

I was between junior and senior year at Stanford, where a black ( usually from Africa)
might be spotted occasionally in the distance)
but my idea was that
we were all equal,
of course,
and that meant that blacks were just white people
with a black paint job

and then I spend the summer in a black community
in the hills of the western part of Virginia ( nearest big town: Bristol, Tennessee)

and was quite shocked to find out:
blacks laughed a lot,
liked watermelon
smelled different
danced (very) sexy

This was obvious once I knew it
But until I didn't
was hidden from me

In this book
a non American black says the kinds of things that are rarely
said
and she's a woman,
so there's lots of heart with the smarts

this is a terrible book review
and
read it
if you want a rare, deep and wonderful treat

Waking Up, Love, Sex, and all that Hooey

You can be in love
for awhile
and not be awake

floating on good sex
and someone new

someone you are actually fascinated by
someone you don't take for granted
someone you are present with
because they still surprise you

and you still surprise yourself
because in the Newness of it all
( another way of saying, living in the slithy, slidey, move and grovey Now)
you act and feel and think
young and fresh

new ways
and sex
is fun

and you laugh

and then....

my golly
feet of clay
heart's of fear and selfishness

which is to say, normal stupid me
normal stupid you

which is to say:
asleep

darn

same old problem:

mindful
or
mindless

just those two

and mindless
and under stress

what do we have to fall back on?

the parent's programing
or
whatever our highest level of
programing is

and
if you want to have high level programing

join Landmark

and if
you want love:

wake up


good luck
and I'm still learning too

what a great game

Love, Loss and Magic, on a Saturday before sundown

This beautiful woman I'm with has told
me she wants to end the relationship

Except she still loves me
And I still love her

and here's the trip:
our mutual horoscope ( the only fellow I listen to in this crack pot field)
free will astrology says:

"When the path ahead divides in two, Aries, 
I am hoping you can work some magic
 that will allow you to take 
both ways at once. 

If you do master this riddle, 

if you can creatively figure out how to 
split yourself
 without doing any harm,
 I have a strong suspicion that 
the two paths will once again come together
 no later than August 1, 
possibly before. 

But due to a curious quirk in the laws of life,
 the two forks will never again converge 
if you follow just one of them now."

this is exactly what I feel with my deep and ambivalent friend:

we MUST end our relationship
and
we must keep something

what you call it I don't know

Let's call it a magical
not really relationship that's a relationship
but not a relationship



And,
miracle on miracle

we agreed a ways back
that when one or the other had the urge to split
we would take seven days of an hour of talking
and two sexual meditation that I'll refrain
from mentioning here

and then, really clear,
we'll go our separate ways

except I feel
we are going to go
our magically
separate but not separate ways

something like "dying before you die"
the mystics are so found of

and luckily
being in a cheerful mystical mood
today
I don't have to explain that


cheers
Chris

Slow, essential to learning, from the special needs kids blog

Going fast,
you can only do what you've already done

Crazy, crazy, the way educators,
be they in schools, or well meaning OTs and PTs with special needs kids
keep trying to hustle along the child

And it's so understandable.
The child is "behind."
So much to learn, so get it in fast.

Except: the child doesn't learn.
Any child.
Any adult.
If the teaching is too fast, it turns into mush in the would be learner's head.

I just experienced this recently in a terrible Salsa lesson. After just barely demonstrating our next steps, the teacher put on music that a natural athlete could keep up with, but anyone really needing to learn would be overwhelmed and lost.

And once, when a wonderfully good hearted PT came in to observe me lessons,
she could not only see the obvious results,
but her main comment was: "Oh, my. I really have to slow down."

The brain loves to learn.
But if something is new, it takes time.

If a child is challenged, then go slower.
But even with ourselves, rushing ourselves to learn faster than we can feel and stay present with,
will result in either
no results
or faked learning,
which instantly goes away.

And there is this:
many if not most special needs kids, and especially those on the spectrum,
feel the world as a bombardment of too much

Slowing down to one thing,
done slowly,
and their brain can "catch" what is happening.

Not only will they learn to make connections,
because they are able to notice,
but the very slowing down for them will be a kind of meditation.

Let's say that, but more broadly:

Slowing down, for both you and your child will be a kind of meditation.

All good spiritual teachers extoll us to pay attention to those we love
This attention
is the world of slow,
can really be felt.

Attention and love are extremely similar, if the attention is approving.

So, we can slow down,
help our children move and think and even talk more in the moment,
and help everyone get ahead more quickly
by slowing down.

Anat recommends the Slow Game, where you take an activity such as putting a puzzle together,
and challenge yourself and your child to SLOWLY put each piece in.

This could be a fun variation with dressing, which often drives the parents crazy as already being "too slow."
But what about, one day when the clock isn't breathing down our neck, see how slowly a shirt or a sock or  pants or a shoe can be put on.
How slowly we can walk around the room.

In nature, slowing down, and matching the clouds or some lazy breeze or slowly trickling stream, makes a huge amount of sense and will bring great relief to both you and your child.

(And you can change things up. That's the next essential, variation. But for now, see how slowly you can do a number of things with your child)

Anat recommends Slow Time, which is basically, you going to be with your child in a meditative and nor hurried manner. No judgment. All attention. See what you can learn that you may well have missed in the usual hurried world.

This is as much for you, as for your child. This is your heart and soul being rewired as you make it easier for them to move and think and interact in the world as they rewire their brains.

Take a breath now.
Slow can start any time now is.
And now is always now is always now.
Good.

meditation

meditation is simple
and
amazing

meditation is complex
and
Amazing

Life is changing
every moment

the now of this line of your reading
is
not
the
now
of you reading the first line

and when you sit down
and close your eyes and set out to
"go for" the silence

your thoughts do not stop
they might calm down a bit
or
they might race along

and so that's the every changing

and what stays
the same

the background

the silence between
thoughts
the silence from which the thoughts
arise

and what else doesn't change?

you

the real you

which is what?


What in you didn't change
from ten years ago
to now?

I could tell you
and so what

then it would be another thought

you find it

meditate from that
from the real you...


....

Love and Hate, Anger and Having Fun with that

Recently I took a ten month training in male female relationships.

One of the key learnings was this:

"The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference."

This is going to be a two, or three or four part series.

It's going to dance this new dance I'm excited to be exploring: to improve the lives of our autistic children, we are privileged and challenged to upgrade the way we DO all of our relationships.

Let's start with an early breakthrough.
I once had this girlfriend who would yell.
Loudly.

Mistakes I made:
Yelling back.
Telling her to stop.
Telling her she was bad for yelling.

Here's a breakthrough I made:
You can go ahead and yell,
but it hurts my ears.
I want to stand about twenty feet away and listen to you.
You yell.
I listen where it doesn't hurt my ears.


Anger is a strong wish to communicate.
It's primitive: the communication is
I'm not getting my way and I want to hit/ bite/ kill you.
But it is a communication.

Later: if the yelling or the anger or the tantrum "works",
then the yelling becomes part communication
and part behavior modification strategy.

On their part,
the yeller,
the tantrum one,
the roar around the house angry one.

If they have you trained to
either:
Do what they want
or
Make a big fuss ( thereby giving them attention)

then the anger can be a grooved in strategy:

I growl and
You give me attention

or

I growl and
You let me have my way

or even, (gad, human beings)

I growl and
You feel badly about yourself
( are punished)


So:
What to do with the child, autistic or not,
who is having a tantrum

Listen a bit

Take a guess:

You seem to be angry because you didn't
get your way about....

Or, if no guess...

I don't have a clue about what's bothering
you.
it's clear something is
Finish up your yelling and then come tell me

Either way:
Communicate that you hear they want to say something
AND
you'll wait them out
in another part of the room
until they are ready to talk to, or act with you,
in a way that works as
more congenial communication

(Later, when they are teenagers,
or even earlier,
they might say:
"I hate you."

I'd respond.
"Good. You are angry. I hate you sometimes, for a few seconds, and I always love you.
What is the anger about?
I love you when you are angry. And if you tell me about it I'll listen.
If you yell, I'll get far away and listen.
And then when you are tired of that , come talk to me,
or come on around for a hug." )


This is just a start.
But it's a good start.

They love you.
They want love.

Tantrum, anger, roaring around will die
out if you pull out the
two plugs:

the giving worried attention plug

the fighting back against their anger plug

and the giving in to them plug


What's left

be happy

be present

read a book, draw a picture, be chill
( I'd advise against getting on the phone or the computer,
but talking to another real person in front of them is great as a counter example of real non-yelling communication)

Have fun

Learn

You aren't perfect.
So what.

Keep trying.

Autism and Love, from the perspective of healing the autistic child

I blogged about this the other day
from a slightly different angle,
of how we can learn to love our partners better by
either
going for rapport when they are having a bad time
or
amping up the play and adventure when they are in a good mood

With Autistic children ( or adults) it's almost the same, and 
called the ABC method in the Son Rise philosophy ( See AutismRewired.com)

A,  Assess

B, Bond

C. Challenge


A. Asses
means to pay attention:
Are they going away?
or 
Are they moving toward us and others?

Moving Away has various behaviors:
stimming
no eye contact
non responsive
rigid behavior
rejecting/ moving away from touch or being looked at

Moving Toward can be
Looking at me
Responding
Smiling
Flexible behavior
Affectionate
Responsive to Touch
Playful in interpersonal way



Then the realization is that
when they are Moving Away, when you Assess that:

go for Bonding

as we've emphasized over and over,
with the Anat Baniel Method,
correcting/ fixing behavior is a recipe for disaster:
you are putting energy into what you want to change
and hence making it stronger

in autism,
with the
Anat Baniel Method, we create variations in any and all behavior
in
the Son Rise method, the idea of JOINING
is key
we replicate,
not in a mocking way,
but to really get inside their world,
whatever they are doing

so that they feel:
whatever they are doing is accepted
and even
whatever they are doing is cool enough for us to want to do
and so
they feel liked and appreciated by us
or at least
accepted

and
they aren't alone

they don't have to join the cult of the normal
to be loved and accepted

this helps break through the main slavery of autism:
the disconnect from others


And if our A, if our Assess of the child (anyone)
is to notice their willingness to
come toward us,
the we can do the C,
the challenge

which is another way of saying a variation that
ups the ante a bit
on what they are willing to try
in the world of interaction

and we make it fun
teaching them that play
is what good interpersonal interaction is like
or
we make it loving
which shows them that side of interaction,
but always opening up their range of behaviors and possibilities just a little bit at a time

Assess: See where they are at

From that we know whether they need us to
b
Bond

or to
c
Challenge

always with a light hand, light touch, staying not too far ahead of them,
like when your mate asks you to go out to tango lessons
and you just want to chill in front of the TV and cuddle
and you rise to the challenge,
and the dancing bring your relationship to a whole new level

(and, if it's really a horrible day, your mate needs to bond,
and learn about your day, and not let you zone out on TV,

again
we are back to autism and love:

you mate can assess you:
if you are tired and still interactive:
a little rest and backrub and then go tango, the challenge

if you are tired and down,
then some rest, and a chance to spill the beans on what's bothering you

and who knows, being heard out, then you might feel open
to going to tango after all

same with the child:

after boding,
they may come out of their withdrawal,
and want to interact and play
and you can go into the challenge and play mode


a lot of mindfulness called for
in parenting
and
in partnering

this is good

without mindfulness
life is on automatic

and life is too precious for that