Forgiveness, 101

I'm having a delightful interaction with an occasionally cranky person
whom I adore

who is in the throes of
"Can I forgive?"

in that old awful way,
as if forgiveness is wearing a hair shirt,
or swallowing toxic waste
or at the very least
sitting through a bad movie for hours and hours

ah,
and this sweet person was once a heavy duty Christian
and these poor folks
for reasons that are both sad and delightful
have often the hardest time forgiving

( and I did hear this in a church, by a straight ahead
boring believer:
"Not forgiving is like swallowing rat poison
and
hoping the other person will die."

Which is s beginning of the higher level of
forgiving,

but not the end)

And you,
gentle reader,
are
A. going to have to forgive me
for jumping around and packing
so many angles and concepts into a short
poem/ ramble / essay

B. Wake up
and really feel and think your way through
this,
since it's is perhaps the number one source
of human suffering,
this holding on to our woundedness

,,,,,,, Okay
forgiveness

let's just make this the starter ramble and posit three levels



One:
the forgiveness of the righteous,
the believers
the goody goodies

this is on the
holding one's nose
and saying
"Well, you are stinky,
but I will hold my nose,
and so-called forgive you for being
so stinky
because I am so much better than you
and it's so good for my image of
being so much better than you
to say the words,
'I forgive you,'
all the while letting you know
that I am vastly superior to you,
you bad, bad stinky inferior sinner whom I so graciously,
forgive,
so I can look good to myself, and those around me, and get
points in pretend heaven."


Two:
The sliding it off, half ass "acceptance."

Me here Chris Elms could go on some fun
rants about all this
"It's all good,"
Buddhist-ish
"acceptance"

which is better than the stinky cheese clothes pin nose
model,

but is
like
a disconnected feeling,
an

I'm indifferent,

I'm separate

I'm not going to let it get to me.


This has some of the very very true
selfish enlightenment of the above rat poison model

which knows,
sometimes with blinding clarity,
that

when you fight what is already over,
hell,
once you think it through,
you know you're always going to lose

so chill
accept

let it go,  man,
it's all good

(bleeek---- my comment)

and three:
third level forgiveness,

not just giving the other person a break,
though that's a superb start,
but giving them a delighted break
a congratulatory break

really?

delight?

really

this is crazy, this level,
and strange,
because we are so used to being slaves
that freedom feels creepy weird

but this is level three:

thanks and thankfulness
and gratitude for whatever "wrong"
was bestowed on you
by another segment of God

ah, God,
well, hell,
heaven

let's play with God as a burst apart being
and we are all pieces of Her, trying to get
back together,
and whatever "sin"
someone gifted you with,
was a piece of God, trying,
in however an awful, ignorant, or half assed way,
to reconnect with God
as you

So,
it's like this:
in this forgiveness,
you would have paid the bad, bad person
to do whatever they did

why?

you figure it out,
you wouldn't believe me if I told you

and you shouldn't believe me

it's your experience that is
A. your life
B. your nourishment for enlightenment


stay in this experience
and feel your heart's way through this
new world:
forgiveness as delight and you would have paid the
other person to
do
their bad bad "sin"

really,
this is some heavy lifting for the heart

and without it,
sadly,
life is misery

cheers,
chris

....
you do want to be enlightened, don't you?

Talking about Talk

We are kinda crazy
us humans

we love to talk
we love to connect

and then
when it doesn't happen

we stop talking to the one
we want to talk to
because we can't talk
as well
or as easy
or as magically
or as honestly
or as being present

as we wish

and hey

you've got this game as part of

Love and Sex Before Dinner

the game:
talk for 18 minutes

each with 3 turns of 3 minutes

each practicing listening
from now
from no words/ replies in the head
from being present to our bodies

this is good stuff

....
two days ago, I suggested using this golden
opportunity
of listening

to
talk about sex

today I suggest
using this golden
opportunity
of listening

to talk about talk


what are you having a hard time saying?

when are you present and not present?

what are your requests for what you'd like to hear more about?

what are your requests for how your talking go

not only now,
in this magical zone

but all day?

and more,

you can even do that fun
game
of talking
in the
moment

about what your
experience

RIGHT NOW

is of talking

RIGHT NOW


it's pretty cool


it's enlightenment in action, actually

which is what relationships could ( ? should)
be about


cheers
chris

Waiting to Come, coming together

The ten minutes sex before dinner
as much as possible
should never end in climax

that's why the ten minute
naked make out
is so valuable

both are giving
both are getting

it's not genitally predominant

it's oral

it's tactile

go do it

Talking about Sex

okay
admit it

you don't talk about sex

you wish about it
you might complaint about it
or whine about it

and so
what?

no one's perfect
( remember the end of Some Like it Hot)


and
let's have this be one of the talk games:

as you remember
perhaps,

as part of love and sex before dinner
you are spending a grueling 18 minutes a day
ACTUALLY TALKING TO &
LISTENING TO
YOUR PARTNER

you talk 3 minutes, they listen,
in the present,
no interrupting

they talk for 3 minutes,
you listen
in the present,
no interrupting,
and as
much as possible, no words in your head (aka "thinking") about
how you are going to respond

back and forth,
3 whole turns each
18 minutes

it seems so piddling

and most partners talk less than this
in a week
except plans,
day recitals,
grumbles about work,
blah blah

so
here's today:

in your talk:

tell what you like about your sex
with your partner

and
talk about what more, or different
that you'd like

and respond
(without thinking about it while
they are talking)
to whatever they say to you

and even,
curiosity being a component of love
and the now,
ask some questions in
your turn

enjoy

chris

Go slow, dance, close, kiss

Alternating touch and talk,
today is touch

and
let's dance

let's keep this in the
sex before dinner repertoire,

which is really,
sweet and juicy touch before dinner


and today,
or any day

as part of your ten minutes of touch
yum
before dinner

dance
no music,
keep the clothes on,
so you'll get in the habit of dancing a lot

and
dance,
slow,
and hum to each other
and
kiss
a lot

that's it:

slow,
left right left right

nothing fancy

close

hum

kiss

enjoy

good

The Learning Planet

Once upon a time
we loved
loved loved
to discover
what the other person was like

how they were like us
how they were different

and then.


blah blah

you know the story:
we get ourselves in a box
and we put other people in a box
and then
oh, shit

we have two boxes talking
to each other

so,
let's have some fun in tonight's talking game


watch this

the first person that talks,
just go for two minutes

and the other listens, present and no interruption

and here's the catch.


the talker, tells what's going on in them
at the deepest possible level

but they tell it in gibberish


Then the listener
takes their turn guessing what the other person had to say

and then they tell whatever they want to say,
in gibberish


Then:'
the first person talks again,
in gibberish,

they can talk about how well the other guessed
or
what the other person missed,
and this is all told in gibberish

and back to the second:

and here we go,
the second
shares their responses
to what the guess was,
or what their reaction was,
or what more they want to say:


and it's all in gibberish


and go back and forth
and then it's over

and then have a ten minute
naked make out

and when are you going to figure out:

if you "got it right?"

I don't know.

I'm inventing this as I go

so,
you invent this

and there's the rest of the day:

just talk gibberish,
guess,
and give feedback

but in this Love section of the
Love and Sex before dinner,
no verbal shareback of the accuracy or not
of the guessing intuition about your gibberish

is this fun?

you tell me,

cheers
chris

Slow down, touch

Anything in life can be improved
by
being present

many a disaster can be forestalled or
avoided
by being present

many/ all messes can be cleared up
by slowing down
and
becoming present

today,
we're back to the touching before dinner

ten minutes of making out
or
some
sort of sex

we'll let the sex be up in the air
for awhile

while you practice slowing down
and taking turns

taking turns,
almost like the communication

well,
exactly like the communication
but without any words

you might want to spend more than ten minutes with this

get your trusty timer

one of you lie down
and close your eyes

the other is to touch you
slowly
not in the genitals,
and yes
anywhere else
and everywhere else in your body

for the first day,
don't make any requests if you are the receiver while you are receiving

play like this:

first turn:

one touches,
the other feels

the timer goes off

the other one touches,
the other feels

second turn:

no words of wishing anything different in the first round,
but before each touching turn,
the receiver is to ask:

here is how I'd like to be touched ( firm, soft, tight, gentle, fast, slow, big movements, little movements) and here is where I'd like it to be concentrated

the toucher can honor that, or not

it seems kind of silly not to,
but really, a request has to be really open
if it's truly a request

after,
just a thank you,
no evaluation

and then swap around


third turn:
make a request before you receive, and for sure make in a different request,
different place
different modes of speed, pressure, length

And then
as many turns as you want,
keep going back and forth,

and each time ask for a new place
and a new set of operating procedures

....
we get into such ruts
in sex
and
in life

and we ask so rarely for what we want

and we are so worried that if we finally get on a good grove,
going anywhere else will blow the whole scene apart

touch is talking
receiving touch is listening

have the final turn,
if you wish,
no requests,
but just let the toucher be trying to tell the receiver
something

let the communication be quite
and skin level

see what happens
feel what happens

don't talk for awhile after this,
so if this is to be combined with a talking session before dinner,
do the talking session first
good

Insomnia

The trick with insomnia is this:

Don't fight it

Don't think about it...

Don't worry...

Easier to say than to do,
and
this is your chance to learn to meditate
whether you want to or not

...

this is the secret:
finding something soft and eyes closed
that is more interesting than thinking

a lot more interesting

and guess what:

movement with attention
that is slow
and had variation
and is soft
and had breaks/ rests/ pauses

suits that requirement completely

...
so
here's a good one,
and it helps with necks, backs and shoulders, too.


lie on your side,
in bed
eyes closed,
knees bent comfortably and one hand on top of the other
with your arms straight
in front of you

do things and then rest

1. take your top arm forward ( the direction your nose is pointing is forward)
so that your top hand goes past your bottom hand
do this very slowly

keep this top arm straight and bring the hand and arm back, so the fingers begin to come
up on your lower wrist

go back and forth and feel the movement in your shoulder
and your back

rest

2.
Do all the above and add on breathing
either way:
breathe in as you go forward and out as you come back
or
breathe out as you go forward and breathe in as you come back

do this slowly
about ten times,
seeing if you can feel something new and different and pleasant
in your body each time you do this

rest

3. Do all the above
and start opening your hand like a flower as you roll forward
and bringing all your fingers together like an octopus all legs touching as you come back
go
slow
go
really really slow

feel
the fingers
feel
your breathing
feel your ribs rolling
feel
you shoulder blade moving
feel
the
vertebrae in your spine moving

feel
the pleasure in
feeling/ sensing yourself

at least ten times rest

after those four ,
lie on your back and rest
and imagine the whole sequence in your mind
as you feel rather than do it in your body

then do it again,
but add on:

be aware of your neck
feel how it rolls a little one way and the other

do all four steps
one by one,
nice long rests,
and have your neck as part of this

after those four,
take a big rest


if you want more complicated versions,
come take lessons
or call
and we'll arrange verbal lessons if you aren't in Austin..

but keep doing this
as you get more and more happy
and soft with
fingers
spine
neck
shoulder
ribs
breathing

take lots of rests

do it a bunch on one side
so slowly than you can imagine,
almost like it's sleep movement

take lots of rests

you might fall asleep

that's okay

you might keep enjoying this
and
radically improving your spine neck shoulder and brain and fingers

that's okay, too

smile while you do this
sense your toes
and send happiness to them,
and let them send
happiness to you

good,
cheers
chris

How can I love you better?,,,3

How can I love you better?

Ask.

How can I love you better?

Okay: is this what you mean?

If not, could you tell me again, please?

Can we be specific: what do you want me to do differently?

What are the actions you'll like me to take in reality?

Can I tell you why a few of those would be very hard for me?

Can we explore ways I can do everything you want and still take care of what's hard for me?

What do you really want?

What is the deeper level of what you really want?

What can we do right now to begin to shift things?

What can we do later tonight to shift things?

What are you feeling and sensing in the present?

What am I feeling and sensing in the present?

What can I do right now, to help you shift whatever you'd like to shift?

What else do you want to tell me?

Slow, Connect, Discover/ back to the 10 Minute makeup

Slow, Connect, Discover

I help people to
SLOW down
and
CONNECT deeply to themselves
so that they can

DISCOVER

Ease, grace, youthfulness, delight and pleasure

in
MOVEMENT and
LIFE


And you gentle reader
in your ten minute make out

this is your job

SLOW down the kissing
and the touching
and even the breathing

perhaps say what you are feeling as sensation
perhaps go even slower than you think is slow

and
pay attention to how the
CONNECTING
is happening

moment by moment

and in each moment see what you can
DISCOVER

about a new direction, pressure, stopping, starting, shifting

that would make
your make out

more
pleasurable, graceful, delightful, youthful

you know

just plain old

divine

cheers,
chris

Anat Baniel's Nine Essentials, my phrases after

One: Movement with Awareness
Wake Up to Life
 Awareness of Movement is the Quickest Path to having our Attention
and to Brain Plasticity

 Two: Slow :
 Fast you can only do what you already know how to do.
 It's great for slipping on a banana. Tragic for playing piano, or learning to crawl.

 Three: Variation
 Enjoy Abundant Possibilities
 Noticing differences is the fundamental unit of intelligence

 Four: Subtlety
 Do less and achieve more
 Try less hard, notice more
 No pain, lots of gain

 Five:  Enthusiasm
 Turn the small into the Great
 Your excitement and attention feels a lot like love to them.
 Because it is.
 It's your inner joy as much as anything, an amplifier for their gains.

 Six: Flexible Goals
 Make the impossible possible
 The Process is where the real learning takes place.
 We want good brains for our kids, not well trained donkeys.

 Seven: The Learning Switch
A brain is one of the most miraculous things in the universe.
Let's use it .

 Eight: Dreams and Imagination
Dream big and they will follow
If you believe they can't change, they can't

 Nine: Awareness in the Moment
 If you are awake, they can wake up.
 Newness can only come from the Now.

(Bonus: Love, real love, can only take place in the moment)

How Can I love you more, 2

How can I love you more? Part 2
( these are, the improve love and sex posts, being published in
http://Loveandsexbeforedinner.blogspot.com)

One: take the time.

that's what the twenty minutes before dinner is about
and that's not to top limit. you can talk for hours if you want

Two:
be present

we get lost in our stories of
how another person should have been

in the present
we can at least report:
this is my sensation
this is my emotion
and
then go into the song and dance if we have to

Three:
Listen

that's what the timer game of you talk for three minutes
while your partner is non interrupting and preent
and they talk for three and you return the favot

and
here's a new twist:
Four:
Ask

Take 3 or 4 minute turns,
ask a question,
listen to the answer
do not comment on or respond to the answer
just
ask another question

ask questions and listen to answers until the timer runs out the time

Ask deeper and deeper questions:

How are you feeling?

Upset.

Would you please tell me about it?

I don't feel that we are working very well as a couple.

Could you tell me a couple of ways that seems true to you?

......

What would you like to see changed?

How are you feeling as you say this?

What would you like me to do differently?

How do you think you could change?

And so on...


Asking good questions takes awhile.

Love takes awhile.

We think ( imagine) that with the right chemistry and going out to dinner enough and drinking enough wine everything is going to be fine

If your robot matches theirs, it might

otherwise.
if you want love
you gots to put in your time

and asking questions
and listening
in the present

to the answers

and then asking a caring and curious next question

this is how we can "make" love

with our clothes on


good

how can I love you more?

# 8 in the Love and Sex Before Dinner series, all of which are at that blog, 
http://loveandsexbeforedinner.blogspot.com


Touch and Talk

Talk and Touch

that's the program
and it seems so simple
and
it's
not

so let's say in the talk you want
to help things
be better

the vibe, the feeling, the overtone of your relationship hasn't been so great lately
and you want it to change

so what to do

talk
talk with the timer

talk about what you want

talk about what you are afraid to say

talk about your guess as to what's going on in the other person

this is a lot

this is gold

this is why relationships

if taken as paths to awakening
are so
very
wonder
ful
and valuable



what you want vs. your complaint

what you are afraid to talk about, vs what's wrong with them

guessing what's going on in them, and make sure it's not an insulting guess

what are the fears and worries and prior woundings that are going on in them?

discover what you can
enjoy

moving up, moving down

in life,
we often let ourselves
slump

that's fine

if
we
know
we
are doing it

if not

let's wake up and smell
the now

slump and slump more
belly in
chin down,
chest/ sternum sinking

rotate the pelvis

this is key
rotate the pelvis

and now,
move the other way

belly forward
head a little up
sternum up
feel your ribs moving apart,
feel your spine lengthening

and

move your pelvis
so you can feel the front edge
of it
pushing into the chair

then relax, and
slump again,

first to your "normal" slump spot

and then,
to
all curled up and nowhere to go

stay there for awhile

let your head shift right and left
feel your neck soft

and then arch on up to lengthening

do this a number of
very slow
times

feel the belly and ribs going forward and back
feel the sternum rising and falling
feel the eyes and head going up and down

and
most of all,

feel your pelvis rocking from the front side
to the back

enjoy this

and
breathe

breathe

yeah, breathe

there are two ways to coordinate the breathing with this

try both
good

Awakened Relationship

Two people get together

they are lonely
or
they are open
or
they are lucky

and, anyway,
they decide to open up to the charm
of a new being

someone who is different than them

if they are unlucky
they get off to a bang sexually
( and I won't go into that until ten or twenty
chapters down the line)

but let's say this:
touch is crucial

they need to hold hands
they
need to kiss

and the important thing is
....

if they are lucky,
they wake up to the miracle

the miracle

the miracle

I am alive
in this moment

and they share that with the other
person

and the other person:
yes, I am alive in this moment

he: I am alive in this moment
I am excited and awake
to being here with you

she: I am alive in this moment
I can feel my life
and can feel us sharing this
moment

and so on

....
time passes
they come together

they have good days,
whoopie

they have stressful days,
and here's the rub

in the stress they can
be either mindful,
which is to say:
aware of the miracle

I am alive
and I am feeling stress
and I want to lash out
but what I am really feeling is..
sad about ..
afraid about...
worried about...
incompetent about...

mindful
and we can be free to explore what's bothering us

mindless
we have to default
to whatever our programing is

which is usually what
Ma
and
Pa
did when they were under stress

which usually looked like
blame
or avoidance
or
manipulation
or
whatever

who cares,
that's why so many therapists stay so busy

bad Ma and Pa training

and
you can therapize forever
and
have all the insight in the world

and if you aren't present
to yourself
and your partner
when the stress comes on

you are going to be mindless

which means
Ma
and Pa
stuff

and it's not any more complicated than that

and it's the whole world
of difference

freedom in mindfulness

slavery to conditioned/ robot responses
in mindlessness

this sounds kind or sermonesque

sorry,
that's my father's righteous robot

and
hey,
it can be a game,

the let me catch my robot and
admit it game

and then,
fingers touching the keyboard,
birds singing and cooing out the window
breath in and out

and I'm back
home
to now

how about
YOU?

cheers
Chris

skipping

have you tried skipping lately?

did you realize you could skip differently than the
usual two times left foot
two times right foot

play with it

3 right and 2 left
3 left and 2 right
3 each

4 left and 2 right and so on

go slowly
a weird instruction for skipping
but do

and take lots of walking rests

enjoy

the new you, talk as magic if you are here, now, now here, hearing now, now...

talk
real talk
intimate,
slow,
listening
taking turns,
being present
trying to be present
this kind of talk,
daily,
daily
every day, get it,

this talk,
 has this amazing possibility:

you can be a new you
this day,
each day as you speak and
attempt to stay present with your partner

and it has this amazing possibility, too

your partner can be a new her or him
this day,
each day,
as they speak and listen and
attempt to stay present

even if you two are just yaking about your day
if present,
you can notice,
and then say:

oh, as I'm talking about my boss, I realize
that I'm saying the same phrases I always say
and that I'm tightening my upper stomach and lower chest

and,
( pause to go in..
with 3 minutes to talk,
you don't have to rush it out
for fear/ realization that the other person
is going to jump in and squelch the silence)

A pause to go in...

ah, I'm definitely feeling defensive and angry at my boss

and now I look out
into the world in the present
and see you looking at me
and see you breathing
and then I remember my breathing
and I remember how much I love you
and now this is a whole different talking
than
just complaining about work
the way that
the robot in me

wants to do

...

ta da

so we can be new

we always can

and what if this were part of the love game
the relationship contract?

each day
before dinner

talk that tries to be present
touch that tries to be present

doesn't that sound like a nice present
to ourselves?

to you and your sweetie?

you and your sweetie,
with whom you are usually to busy to
connect
even though

and we all know this

connecting in
the present
and
in
love ( which may well be the same thing)

is what
life
is
all
about?



cheers,
chris

10 minute naked make out///touch before talk

All the Love and Sex before Dinner essay poems will be piling up daily at http://loveandsexbeforedinner.blogspot.com as well as here for the first 40 days



As we meander through these essays, these daily chapters unfolding,
we will explore this one:

truth as the best foreplay

and sometimes
touch is the way to access that truth

and sometimes touch is the only
way
we can really remember how remarkable
connection is

one human
to another

and so today's suggestion is
to have 

a ten minute naked make out first

some days talk before the sex
and some days have the sex before the talk

always have both

and this is the touch/ sex practice I recommend most

the ten minute
naked make out

it's two way

it gives a lot of your body a chance
to connect with
feel
move with
caress
be caressed by

the other body

let's play it this way:

mindfulness
is the undercurrent

how much awareness can you have
as you kiss
and touch
and caress
and get caress
and let the legs play

and here's the catch:

set a timer

when it's over,
stop
thank each other

get out of the bed

get dressed

go talk

talk sitting up
talk in your clothes
talk in another room

maybe hold hands while you talk

touch is good

there are many subtleties to this practice
but for now

naked
timer
stay present

stop when the ten minutes is up

 you can do it again at the end of the day
with no timer and the falling into more sex that
we are so used to,
and
and
and

this is sex before dinner

this is a nourishment
that you are going to give yourselves every day

don't make it such a big deal
that you don't want to
keep it going
keep it up
keep it kissing along

day after
day
after
day


....
you begin to get the idea.

this might be very good for your relationship,
right?


cheers Chris

Ambivalence, Love and Sex before dinner, 3

Here's the deal:

You fall in love
and someone is heaven

why?
because you listen
because you are fascinated
because they are new, which means you are in the...

yes,
the
now

and guess what?  ( you know this)
in
the now
it's pretty much all love

and then
step two:
the mind/ head/ judgment/ fear/ control
comes along
and.....

they kind of suck
or
they way suck

or they are a betrayal of your fantasy
of (finally)
finding the perfect mate

oh, shit....

and then what?
well.

in the world of love
and mindfulness..

you could get vulnerable
and talk about your limitations

and talking about your limitations
would be admitting
and examining
YOUR OWN JUDGMENTS ( gasp)
as your limitation

the work of Byron Katie is
fine
/
wonderful here,
and don't take my word for it
get experience,
 go to her website
or immediately after reading this
take three judgments about any one
of those millions of less than perfect beings,
judge that person,
and
write that judgment down
and do the work

and
back to ambivalence

ambivalence admitted
can cut through the third stage
of relationship

the POWER STRUGGLE stage

To recap the stages ( first three of twelve):

one: fascination and being in the now

two: disillusionment and being in the judgments

three: power struggle

power struggle often takes the form
of come closer vs
go away

let's do it
let's end it

the usual whine: you suck, and if you'd just change 
the way I want you to
then it would all be wonderful again

or the good old fashioned:
let me tell you what's wrong with you

ah, gad.
so normal,
almost inevitable,
and
this is all bullshit

unless talked about from
mindfulness

i.e.
not believing your thoughts

and
that's enough for today

you either get it
how amazing and free life would be
if you didn't believe your thoughts

or
you don't

so be it

don't believe me , though,
don't believe my thoughts

try it out:
see what the difference is

sit in one chair and believe one of your judgments
sit in another chair and don't believe it

that's all:

get experience

that's the juice that can lift us from being tortured by ambivalence
to
using it as fuel
to deepen our spiritual and
emotional
and
relationship

lives

love &

awakening

good

Love and Sex before dinner: day 2

HOW TO TALK DURING THE 18 MINUTES OF TALKING, OR ONE WAY...

from the blog, http://LoveandSexBeforeDinner.blogspot.com

Some of us know
and honor

many of us know
and forget...

FRIENDSHIP TAKES TIME

it's like a garden
it has to be tended

maybe once a week can keep a friendship going
anything less is.....

a reassurance
a high grade acquaintance
a mutual memory nudge

who knows

and in a relationship
if you live together
each day
is a time to talk

each day

and the game we are setting up
is mutual tak
equal time time
talk that is about what love requires:

attention
listening

and even, a freedom an opening
to exploring saying
what we aren't sure we
are able to say

or aren't sure
we even had to say

love is exploring

in touch

and in
talk

and this blog needs to be short
and that's fine

it has some pointers to help you
if you want
in the game of talking for three minutes

here's my suggestion:
for the first couple of weeks,
don't talk about "problems"

talk about:
one:
your ideas
two:
what you are aware of in the present
( sensations,
my thigh on the chair, my fingers on the keyboard, my shirt against my neck, my breathing in and out.


impressions:
I see the screen and the words appearing
I see the wall behind the computer
I see out the window, peripherally to my right
I hear the air conditioner
I hear the cars going by

being present
seems kinda boring

don't sweat it
it's such a nice vacation from being smart
and worrying
and the whole effort of not being present

and three:
what you like in life
what you enjoy

With a partner two and three can double up:
I see your eyes and really enjoy them

I see your breathing and feel my breathing and remember how much I like you

ps,
and a BIG ps:
don't use the three minutes to rag on, complain about, or otherwise trash the other

what you like right

and no back handed compliments:

I really like those rare rare moments when you aren't a jerk
NO.

I enjoy your smile

and
then
all the other things you like:

share your presence
share your gratitude

and if there's thoughts and incidents you want to talk
about,
go for it

but these three are the basis:

what you are pondering as meaningful in your life right now
what you are aware of in the present
what you like about being alive

and you each have 3 3 minute turns in this world of being honest
and deep
with your partner

who,
it seems to me,
is likely to become a better and
better
and
better

friend

good

Flexible Goals, from Kids blog, but worth pondering/ realizing for all of us

If you push your child to get to the result that YOU want,
it may well be something
out of their capabilities

Results:
they will feel awful

They will learn to think of themselves as a failure

You and they will miss all the little bite sized steps that they COULD be doing



There is a wonderful story in this chapter,  of a child, with developmental delay,
who,
in the first set of lessons,
when she wasn't pushed to "do it right" and crawl this instant,
or do something in the therapists or parents wanted,
but took small learning delights, that when she wasn't pushed, 
but was followed where she was at,
and then her learning took off...
she made deep and  real progress

Then she went away for awhile,
after having learned rolling over and crawling and all the things
she hadn't been able to learn when they were being foisted on her.

She went away for awhile.
Alexa did.

When kindergarden came the pressure was on big time to talk.
She wasn't taking lessons any more.
A speech therapist at school was busy trying to strengthen her facial muscles
Alexa was having tantrums
and not learning how to talk

She was miserable and the goal of cramming speech down her throat,
more or less literally,
was backfiring big time.

So Anat, gave her a lesson where,
one,
she talked and talked and talked, Anat did,
demanding nothing from Alexa, but flooding her with language.

Suddenly, when Anat asked a question, Alexa gave a "Yes" back,
because she was enjoying the connection, ( Anat was moving her body
in the amazingly gently and feeling great ways of a lesson
(( COME GET A LESSON, OR A SERIES--- dear  PARENTS,
IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE)) -- the talking was "extra" over the body
learning and bliss.)

Alexa felt no pressure to talk,
so she did.

Two:
Then Anat started talking a bunch of NONSENSE SYLLABLES
to Alexa.
Who was fascinated.
Then Anat turned the nonsense syllables into the clear intonation of a question,
and Alexa gave her back a nonsense syllable answer.

 (An aside, this is a great way for grown up couples to argue)

She was talking,
at a basic level, for the first time in her life.

Anat ended the lesson at 30 minutes.
The lessons are about giving the child the maximum for real learning.
Too much can degrade the learning.

But the little girl said, "No."
A first.
She didn't want the lesson to end.
Anat playfully, "yes."
then "no" "yes" back and forth as a game.

Then, Alexa leaves and runs back, "No, No, No"
"Yes, yes, yes."

Anat agrees to continue lessons in the following weeks
if
No more speech therapy
No one in school or at home tries to get Alexa to talk.

This is agreed,
So, of course,
she learns.

Almost instantly, once the learning becomes a game
and the
pressure is off

And so, gentle reader,
Anat offers several key suggestions:

Identify 
small changes as subsets of a bigger goal

Back Off
if you discover yourself pushing where you want to go,
not where your child is ready to learn

BE ALERT
( this is mine)
pay attention to any and all small learnings,
have fun there

Don't buy into the standard stuff
Like "tummy time"

Play
Where learning is happy, the brain groves it in

Embrace the process, not the goal:
Same as the whole post...
It's the discovery that makes a bigger brain and a happier child

Reversibility
Change direction,
Sail where the wind will let you
Don't force the river
all that good enlightenment stuff
applies to the simplest learning of your wonderful child

This is backing off, but the more active version:
back away from your set course,
and try something else

try anything else

Embrace mistakes:

Cherish the Connection
not the product/ goal/ task

These last two,
 should be mottos in everyone's life

but only if they want to be happy

Love and Sex Before Dinner..... "How was your day?"

I've started a new blog,
LoveandSexBeforeDinner.blogspot.com

Here is the first entry.

Until I have a 100 entries there, I will post in both, and then that will become my primary blog.

Here's it is...

Love and Sex Before Dinner.
Before.

Let's say you are going to budget 30 minutes, BEFORE DINNER, before chores, before bugging the kids about homework, before turning on the TV, the internet, the smart or dumb phone, yes,
praise the Lord
praise the Life, this one life you have,
praise your partner, no matter how good or bad things are going,
praise this chance
to play

to play
at two of the most important aspects of being human.

one: being present
two: love

Love and sex, sex and love, touch and talk.
Both in the now.

Love. Nourishing love before you nourish your bodies.

Finding love
Cultivating love
Resurrecting love
Shoring up love
Rediscovering love
Falling in love
Re-falling in love

Again

You noticed, perhaps, quite a few re-  actions. REdiscovery, REsurrecting, RE-falling.

We could add more
REsearching your love
REviewing love
RE-exploring your love
RE-NEWING your love

RE-NEWING

RE-NEWING

I seem to have said that three times. Did you notice?

And, I'll say this, over and over, to remind myself as much as you... the new happens only in the now.

The new happens, only, in the now.

So, we could say,
RE-NOWING love'
RE-NOWING your love.

Okay,
but to dinner and before dinner.

And this blog, and this whole process, which I hope to be a worldwide movement in the next ten years, was tempted to be called,
SEX BEFORE DINNER

Because at the real "end of the day", after TV or calls, or too much to do, or food, or too much food, or all the wonders and hassles of kids, or too much dozing off to sleep reading, or getting engrossed reading,
as THAT end of the day,
the real end of the day, not just the cliché
we are often/ usually too "tired" for sex.

Maybe a good night peck.
Maybe not.

Alas
Alas
Alas.

A waste of the conjugal bed, and the idea of marriage, and the joys of the flesh.

And much more.

Touch can bring us into the now.

And, this blog, the movement is NOT just Sex Before Dinner.
There are enough people who mistake sex for intimacy, and use it to wash all their loneliness under the rug.

So the blog, the website ( coming soon), the movement is about this:

Love and Sex Before Dinner.

And so, "How was your Day?" becomes not just a throwaway question, as in, you complain and little and I won't listen, because really, I want to complain and have you listen.

"How was your Day?" becomes a chance to practice Love Before Dinner.

A simple version of love.
And missed, often missed, rarely taken advantage of.

Here, it's an 18 minute thing.
And then 10 minutes of making out.

That's half an hour before dinner.
Kids, worries, hurries, got somewhere to go?
We'll deal with that , or you deal with that, but that's the buy in price.

If you want change, you have to change something.

This half hour will change at least three ( more likely 5 or more) things.

One: You will be committing to present centered time together.
Two: You will be taking equal turns listening.
Three: There will be kissing involved after the Love.

And what has Love got to do with it?

Everything in this movement I'm wishing and working for.
Sex without love,
as is love without sex,
nah,
that life isn't worth living.

So, here's the nuts and bolts,
and we'll go over this again and again.

18 minutes.
a timer ( iPhone has one)
sit across from each other
One person asks, "How was your day?"
The other answers for three minutes by the timer.
The listener listens.
Does not interrupt.
Doesn't grimace or otherwise nonverbally comment.
Stays present to breathing.
As much as possible let's go quickly of "thoughts" he or she wants to say in return.
Follows their breathing.

Listens.

The timer rings.
Reverse. "How was your day?"
Three minutes the other way.

Later we'll go over the present centered suggestions for the talker.

For now, love and listening are close enough, so this will get the REnewal headed quickly and clearly.

That's six minutes.
Now, without any "how was your day?" to lead it off, each take two more turns talking while your partner listens deeply and in the present.

Look each other in the eye.
Smile if you feel it.
Notice your breathing and their breathing.

There's more.
A lot more.
Talking in the present is one of life's most challenging and love's most rewarding activities.

And then, that's about twenty minutes.
Go in the bedroom.
Put the kid in front of a video.
If it's a baby, bring it into the bed.
If they are older kids, just tell them, we are going to go make out for ten minutes.

Go in the bedroom.

Make out.

....
That's your start.
It isn't everything.

And it'll make a big difference.

Oh,yeah.
Every day.
Not just hit and miss..

what is failure, if we leave the fear and "story" out of it

things don't "go our way" sometimes

have you noticed?

we can either get lost in the story of "poor me, it's so hard"
or the "I'm a failure"
or "X is to blame"

all the bullshit, you know 'em
the hooks into "life sucks/ is too hard/ i'm jinxed" blah blah.



or we can do the work on
our inner critic's stories,
find out what's left
( who we really are)
after the four questions
and the turn around ( see the work, the work of Byron Katie
and

then play:

what actually happened?
What options do we have for the future?

can we find at least three?

can we find at least three that we'll enjoy trying?

and
while we need a little recharge,
can we take something simple,
like turning our head, and find
three or more ways
to do that?

brains love to learn
the new is the food of the now

movement with attention is
the quickest way
to wake up learning
and loving
the new
in our brains and beings

so,
hey,
move three ways

smile

look up at the sky
feel your feet on the ground
feel the life is you now

and then, write the three options
or four

and write how you want to feel
in those options

and do
something
a little bit

anything

good

what are other people for?

what are other people for?

to ignore while you are texting
people somewhere else,
of course

the "morning meditation" , Gurdjieff style

this meditation has the elegance
to be a start of a day of either being present
or having stark evidence that you are not

it's being in your body

like this:

sit in a chair
close your eyes

sense all five right toes, from the tips
on in
keeping them in sensing,
add on your whole foot, from
toe end to heel

keeping the whole food in sensing
move up
bones, flesh, muscles, blood, anything you can
be aware of,
not as visual or verbal but as actual
here and now sensation

move up:
toes
foot
ankle
lower leg
knee
thigh
hip joint

keep this whole leg "lit up" with sensing

and then add on your right arrm

finger tips ( all five)
fingers
hand
wrist
lower arm
elbow
upper arm
shoulder

now hang out awhile one sided
right arm and right leg "lit up"

and then
keeping them in sensation,
go to the left shoulder
and
work/ sense/ aware down

left shoulder
upper arm
elbow
lower arm
wrist
hand
fingers, all five
finger tips, all five

now hang out in
right arm , right leg and left arm

then

left hip
left thigh
knee
lower leg
ankle
foot from heel then to toes
toes
toe tips, all five

then sense
both arms
and both legs fully
and enjoyably for awhile
or for a long while

then, notice sounds coming in your ears
and keep sensing all four limbs

attention out
plus
attention in

notice the fullness of that

then,
open your eyes
and pay attention to reflected light
coming in your eyes

while
noticing sound coming in your ears
and
sensing both arms and both legs

and then

go live you day
with awareness in those six places


walking, talking, doing this, texting,
driving, working, love making, eating

this can be the background
awake zone in
which you live

and when you've forgotten
tis no perhaps,
you are there
or you are not

on
or
off

and on feels good

try it
and
see
hear
sense

good

the now waits for no one, and..

the now waits for no one
and
hey, fair's fair
no one has to wait for the now

feeling bad?
it's probably a thought

how are we going to know that?
come into the ( no waiting required)
now

and notice:
am I having a thought that tells
me that
the world sucks
I suck
this situation sucks
my feelings suck
my thoughts suck
my body sucks
my X man/woman/blah blah sucks

and
then
try the question #4 from our friend
and easy buddy
Byron Katie

Who would I be without the thought?

Even three seconds.

No thought.

See what happens.

What the hell to do in the three second
immensity

hang with the now
of
say

gravity
light
sound
breath
nature
legs
arms
spine

or
an idea of a change
a choice
a game
you want to play

choice
choice
choice
comes about in the now

( for which we don't have to wait....
have I said that?)

choice
choice
choice

once the this or that sucks voice is
silent,

choice
choice
choice

what little step could you take
in the now
of nothing sucks because
there is no thought to
tell you it sucks

what could you aim for?

what are your goals?

what do you want?

can you feel the power and pull of
that

now?

Doing it better, vs Doing it Right

You know, gentle reader, this is a trap that can ruin our lives:
the wish to get something right.

The fervor to help another be right.

The pressure to perform something just right.

And besides killing the fun, what's wrong with this strategy
of
"getting it right?"

Let's take someone trying to improve their golf.


The choices are: going for doing it right
and
going for doing it better

Here are some possibilities each way:

Doing it Right

1. Being chronically tense, because you are "trying" so hard

2 Missing the moment by having your attention on what "right" "should" be

3. Going slightly crazy always comparing right to what you are doing, and having a stream of reasons why what you are doing is "wrong"

4. And if, miracle on miracle, you slog through all that and hit the ball "right," Then that's it. Your at the upper limit. It can't get any better. Shucks.

Now,
in this other world,
the world of Now
and the world of Curiosity
and the world of Discovery
which is to say the fertile fields of Doing it Better

there are all sort of possibilities

Better at being relaxed
Better at sensing your feet
Better at sensing your back
Better at breathing
Better at looking at the ball and the world
Better and sensing each finger
Each toe
Each vertebrae
The weight on your feet
the freedom in your neck
the breeze in the trees
the joy of being alive
the sun on your skin
the songs of the birds


all that being alive hooey

which isn't for everyone.
lots of dead people
lots of rocks and water molecules that never got to be alive,
or not yet anyway

skip that detour:
we are alive.

better at being alive
and the joy of discovery and learning
and how
would that play out on the golf course

and perhaps PLAY out is a good way to say it

ciao
for
NOW
Chris

From special needs blog, but you can/ we can all use it too: ENTHUSIASM

extrapolate to your adult life,
to your relationships,
to your parenting,
 this will be usedful.

 here's the post,
from
SpecialNeedsChildren-chriselms.blogspot.com

Wow,
this chapter says a lot

It's like the magic spice
to make the meal of your child's improvement
delectable

Here's the deal:

It's not jumping up and down and clapping
It's not hovering like a hawk, pressuring the child to do something great,
so you can whoop it up

It's subtle
and extremely powerful.

It's your own, inner delight,
a smile pouring out from your heart,
and delight in your whole being

AT SMALL AND REAL CHANGES

If your child can't walk,
and your are waiting for that to get happy and excited,
your child may never learn

But is she gets interested in her toes,
or plays with rolling her hips,
or arches and rounds her back in a way that she's enjoying and noticing,
or....
on and on,
any little change, any little improvement
any little learning

this is what you can be noticing and feeling good about,
and radiating out that you feel good about it

sometimes you can say something,
sometimes, it's better to wait a bit

Anat makes some good distinctions that are not usually made:

No applause when a child does something the first time.

the first time is always something like an accident, a happy stumbling into something new,
but an unknown combination of their prior skills,
but it's new
and if you make a big to do about it,
their attention gets hyjacked into your attention,
not their own feelings and sensations

they need their inner awareness

they will repeat,
from within

wait, and see,
don't distract them into thinking the world is about outside approval
too much of life is wasted there

they need the inner time

and again,
another subtle point:
same thing, really:

DON'T ASK FOR AN ENCORE
if it's new,
they are busy getting excited and learning in their own
way
and may very well not be clear of how this came about
asking for a repeat will completely derail their inner learning

So,
what do we have:

It's about you,
feeling excited, positive, loving, aware
of little changes,
small changes
and conveying that without a big fuss to the child

( in the Son Rise method, they like the big fuss.
this might work better on the spectrum, but I'd pay a lot of attention to the
difference
between positive reinforcement and enthusiasm-- see which really would feel the best for you, a rah, rah talk, or actual deep and present awareness and appreciation)

There's a great anecdote about a couple,
one of whom, the dad Ton, was quite, but clearly aware of the changes his son was making,
the other,
the mom Jackie,
was always worried about how much more progress was needed.

Though neither voiced this ,
the child, Jacob, clearly learned more in lessons when the father was sitting in the room full of delight and inner encouragement
than when the mom was in the room, feeling discouraged the child has "so far" to go

And what's the Mom to do?
What are we to do?

One:
If you can do it, do it. Show enthusiasm, quite, powerful, inward, toward the smallest of your child's learnings.

And if you can't: BUILD THE ENTHUSIASM MUSCLE

How.
1. Get honest or at least make an attempt to discover what's stopping you, what inner story

2. Remember times you were enthusiastic about something, and  feel that feeling inside

3. Practice applying that feeling to a situation you might not ordinarily feel enthusiastic about, like doing the dishes

4. Now apply it, to your child, when she or he makes little improvement

This is cool stuff, because this sort of enthusiasm and appreciation can be lavished on many people and many situations, to grand effect in lots of areas in your life.

Here's Anat's words on what this chapter is about:
"DEVELOPING YOUR ABILITY TO CREATE AND AMPLIFY YOUR CHILD'S TINIEST CHANGES AND IMPROVEMENTS"

Enthusiasm, is the joy juice that amplifies what was learned in your child's brain, and helps that learning get grooved in.

Not just grooved in as important.
But grooved in as happy.
As joy.

It's fun to learn.

And can be done daily, and even more than that.

Get cracking.
But slowly, subtle, with variation, awareness, and
enthusiasm.
Cheers
Chris

awakened tai chi

do try this at home

either do tai chi
whatever form you like

or fake it
move your weight from one foot to the other,
and in each shape of your feet, create a corresponding arm shape

here's the waking up part

on the foot where you have the weight:
pick a toe
sense that toe, and that whole leg up to your hip
and your pelvis
and your spine
and your ribs
and your opposite shoulder
and your opposite arm
all the way out to the corresponding finger
of that hand

so,
you shift your weight to your left foot,
your hands are in a certain configuration
you pick your left big toe
and then sense that toe
and everything between it and the right thumb,

then shift your weight to your right foot,
have the hands where you want them,
and sense everything from right big toe
to the left thumb

then keep shifting and either stay on one pair for awhile,
or work up and down your fingers each pair of moves,
but eventually you'll get all the way to right little toe and left little finger
and everything in between
and left little toe and right little finger
and everything in
between

then work your way back
or start at the thumb/ big toe again

this takes a lot of attention
this wakes up your inner connections 
big time

this is
mindfulness 
in action

not on a meditation pillow

and not trying to do the tai chi "right"

but doing the tai chi,
or whatever faking creating you are doing,
doing this movement 
awake

waking up in movement
is the easiest way to
bring our attention to now

and this version ups the game
to a LOT of attention
in each movement

and hey:
guess what, gravity is a fairly big
deal on this planet

as is
having two legs

and mindful
is full
of mind

this gives your mind a lot
of fullness

enjoy

( oh, yeah>.. it's "hard"
and we certainly can't sleepwalk through it..


enjoy
wake
try
go slower
attention is more important than effort
and
some light and skilled
effort at reigning in our attention
is certainly
useful


here
there
everything
cheers
chris