at the end of the day

I am tired at the end of the day
this day
now
anyway

sitting in a chair
staring
at the computer

waiting for an idea
ah, gads, thoughts aren't around

which is kind of nice

and....

if I were living with someone , I'd be "too tired"
for sex

kissing yes
cuddling yes
OMing yes

so the connection would be there

it would end a good day


and now,
not living with someone

time for connection:
to me

sense my arms and legs
sense ten fingers and ten toes
feel the whole skeleton

and be sleepy

that's a day

talking out of the sleep box

Most talk is
sleep talk

we've got phrases
we yank 'em up,
spew them out

we sorta listen
and about ten seconds into what the other
person is saying,
que up the stock phrase that we'll insert
as soon as we can
often
before they've finished whatever they are
saying
which we stopped listening to
a
while

back

and
what if

what if

we listened,
without any words in our head,
just listened

and sensed our body in gravity
and watched them ( the other person, the other people outside of us)
in
light
and
sound
and maybe even 
attending with attention
awareness
waking up
call it what you want
to
our sensations in the torso
.........
the emotional listening
and feeling into them

and then
they finish
and we breathe
and look at them
and sense in
again
what do they need
or
what would be fun
or
what do we want to add to build the game
build the communication
build the
relationship

and then
not thinking too much
we start to talk
and sense our bodies in the now
in the up and down
of gravity
and feel our tongues moving
and watch them in light
and hear our own voices
in sound
and
in sensation in our throat and tongue
and mouth

it's bigger

slow down
and see
what being present as you talk
could be

it's radical,
indeed

slow sex, slow life, slow talk.....wake up.........why not?

The world of OM is sometimes
viewed as the world of possibility that opens
when sex
plus
attention
in the moment

combine to create
......
lots and lots


let's make a short list,
to which you can add at your pleasure and leisure;

connection
orgasm
sensation
now-ing
clearing
stirring
more sensations
attention to sensation
fun
more stirring
more connection

anyway:

OM happens by slowing down
sex
from
"trying to get somewhere"
and
from
being mood and arousal based
( turn on does happen, guess that should go on
the list above)
and
from reciprocity
and
from performance
and
from having to end
at climax
or exhaustion
or ?????

the timer rings,
13 minutes,
downstrokes
15 minutes

stop

it's over

we've slowed out of life
to connect and have a sort
of sex

we've connected

and then,
the rest of that day?

how can talking be like an OM

connection and sensation
and now
based

and there is a cheap version
of messing with people to get their sensation
up
and then there is a version
of deeply sensing
oneself
while talking

that slows things down
a
lot

the words stopping being it

the other person is seen and heard and felt,
but we don't need a reaction out of them
to fire ourselves
up

hmmm

there could be more
to
this



yeah,
there is...............

Waking Up

Tis a strange facet of life
this habit we most of us have
of walking and talking and working and
playing and resting and eating and
love making
and driving our cars
and
watching playing on using the
computer

we are asleep doing it

not the Zzzzz's in our bed,
but the going through the motions mechanically,
not knowing in the moment
about
our relationship to gravity
about air coming in and out
about light coming in
about our arms and legs
and spine
where are they,
what motion or shapes are they making.
and our lips
and our
ears:
what sounds are coming in?

that would be a full scheme of awakeness

and we don't have it

so....
we can always make an effort
and
then forget
and then remember that we forgot
and
make another effrt
and then
forget
and then remember we forgot and
smile
and sigh
and make another effort

and
so on yes

love and lust

love is good

lust is good

lust can get us in trouble,
or so they say

I don't think so:

lust can get us into sex

and being obsessed with when and how
the sexual partner should perform or behave
can get us in trouble,

but good old fashioned fucking,
sexing,
love making,

nah,
that's what life is about

partly

and the rest
is love

which is more trouble than lust really,
because so much of people's lives is based
on squandering every last ounce of their energy
worrying about,
scheming about,
making bargains and deals for,
"love"

ah, love:
that condition,
that verb
of people really being FOR the other person

and the killer is:
wanting to get it,
and not enjoying/ being thrilled to give

and that's where the freedom is.

giving love

love is for giving
not
for getting

don't forget
give

love


good

the taste of liberation

Just as the taste of all oceans
is
one taste
.....salt,

so
the taste of
liberation
is
one taste
.... truth



Had a bright and amazing coaching session the other day
many things covered
all confidential, of course,

but one layer
was how deep
and messy life
can be
if you hold back one
"little truth"

and then you need a
little bigger
cover

and then a little
bigger

and other people
get involved
and each need to be played
at some skewed version of
truth

and collisions
happen

wreckage happens

and
then
the immediate ways out:

get present

feel the pain

say what wants to be said

sense the sensations that come
up with the truth out

keep talking
keep connecting

move forward,
and
then.....
maybe it's a brand new game

or
it's over,
and that's a brand new game

but you can breathe

you are free




.........

and then, many a client
has gotten big quick amazing help with
the first question of the Byron Katie work:


"It is true?
about some belief, opinion, story

and if it's not
it's a.....

lie,


and how much longer do you want to
predicate your life on a lie?

how much longer do you want to suffer
from
a lie?


.........

a
truth,

the ocean that washes us
free


good

Sex Every Day: OM

you know the phrase:
OMG

OM good,
did you know that's what it stood for

and why is OM good

some Greek said that the "good"
after all the endless bullshit debates
was that which was every day

and OM,
with its 20 minute window
of grounding, 
and stroking and 
framesharing
and setting up, taking down the nest

is something that can
easily be every day

with the minor glitch:

you've got to schedule it

and if you don't...
it doesn't happen


so, let's look at a couple of angles:

you live with a mate,
and you're always "too busy" for "normal" sex
or .... ( admit it, annoyed, and wanting
to deprive and punish,
or at least avoid,
the other)

and you could just say:
every night at ten,
we are going to have sex

that would be great for your relationship

and,
if you want to back off from that bliss land
and make it an easier yes,
find a time,
preferably the same time each day,
kids asleep,
you're awake,
and OM each day then


if it's "hard"
OM

if it's a "piece of cake"
OM

if you are sleepy
OM

if you are jazzed to go,
OM

okay,
that's done

and then, "it" can
get a little harder

when you live alone
or with people who aren't OM partners,
then you've got to use your wits a bit

and mainly,
you've got a great chance to NOT listen
to
no,
to not obey,
the voice that says:
"it's too much trouble."

this excuses voice:
partners are too far away,
my schedule is too busy,
I don't like the available partners in my area

and so on,

and I'm not going to solve this problem for
you

just ask:
could you solve it
if you wanted to?

and about the excuses,
could you ask:
Is it true?
Is it absolutely true?

I bet you could

and think, feel, sense this:

how much fun you could have finding
out
if you can solve this puzzle

good.

finding your soul mate----yourself

i subscribed recently to an awful
but luckily free
webinar series on Finding Your Soulmate.

I don't want to,
but have a friend who believes in
this
and thought I could learn a few things

I did:

one:
the main way women lose oxcytocin is to be in a hurrty

and
two:
Liz Gilbert, of finding Love at the end
of Eat in Italy
Pray in India
and Love in Bali

said her love came from all the alone
time in India

and that she thought "loving yourself"
was too high an order,
but just being able to tolerate yourself,
so you aren't afraid to be alone

gives you the space to
find a decent person

she said her husband,
who she finds fabulous
and who adores her
is
one:
not particularly interested in yoga and whatever she's intp
two:
isn't her soulmate,
but is her companion, friend in the middle of the night, and lover

who is her soulmate:
herself

OMing does too,
in my opinion,

it's like praying with two

and it's a path to finding yourself as
your own soulmate

but, it's not usually seem that way
since it's not really taken for the power
it has to "wake up"

"wake up" is easier to say
than do

and can always be done

only not later
more on that,
later

snakes, boobs, and mangos

I do a very high level "body work,"
and I put that in quotes, since it's so much about tuning the
brain, rewiring the brain.

Yeah, back neck shoulder pain
ofter dissolve, but it's the high level functioning that
makes a big difference.

and today,
after a lesson,
when my client was walking with awareness
and integrating what he learned,
he was not walking with a free neck.

Two parts of good function, 
are
1. strong use of the center, the pelvic area,
and 
2. highly mobile neck and eyes

I asked him to scan the room,
as if he were out in the jungle,
to scan for snakes,
boobs
and
mangos.

Then I realized this was a nice metaphor for
various level of life:

the danger/ watch out level

the sex/ connection, find a mate level

and the survival/ pleasure eat and thrive level

these
are
all
part of
a great relationship

the sex every day relationship

Really?

sure.

the snake part
is what we need to learn to see as conditioned
( unless they are really dangerous, then call the cops,
and move on),
our anxiety that comes up
usually when we don't get our way


the boob part:
admit
express desires

say what you want,
100% of the time

and see what happens,

listen to no
listen to yes,
listen to the connection that comes from listening

and the mango:

taste life
taste the now
taste the other person

speak with awareness of your tongue moving
get really now

and then again,
taste your food

and
taste
your
partner

yes

forgiving, for giving, be happy

there's an old saying
that not forgiving
is like
swallowing the rat poison
and
hoping that the other person
dies

usually they don't
usually you feel bad
feel badly
feel awful

and the questions 3 and 4 of the work
work
well to get this as experience
rather than
moralizing

no
"You should forgive"

no
"let it go."

no
"move on"


you've got a grudge

"So and so shouldn't have done X"

it burns you up

you ask the first two questions
Is it true?
Can you absolutely know it's true?

and then:

when you believe that
"so and so shouldn't have done X" , how do you react?

That's # 3: How do you react when you hold this thought?

And you write down all the ways you feel bad,
when that thought is in your mind and
eating away at you.

#4, is just to try this out,
you don't have to "let go"

but, ask: "Without that thought in my mind, who am I? What am I?"

Go there.
Play.

And now,
get in two chairs and go back and forth:

This is me, when I hold the thought in belief

Change chairs:
This is me without the thought in my head.
or
This is me if I don't believe the thought.

Compare.

Go back and forth.

No "right" way to choose, and the difference feels so great
that the choice often simple makes itself.

Try it out and discover for yourself.
Good.

Sex, Love: Can you have sex without being present? Can you have love?

Can you have sex without being present?

Sure, you can fantasize, or think about how you are doing, or think about some goal, or yearn for some goal, or be pissed off about how your partner is doing.

You can be spacing out.

Most people close their eyes in sex, depriving themselves of knowing even the person with whom this intimacy is being shared.

And sex gets us "off" ( men much more than women, according to reports) and the blow off shuts down the mind for a couple of seconds,
but
basically,
sex is much
much less full

if not present

and you can have sex
and not be present.

You can't have love.
If you aren't present,
you are seeing/ hearing/ experiencing some
word picture
concept of the person you are with,
and hence it's not them,
and if you see them as anything other than
exactly as they are,
you can't love them.

Words in the head =
no love.

Experiencing them as they are
in that moment
Is love.

If you don't "like" what you experience,
then you aren't in the experience,
you are in a series of words
about your experience,
that are telling you that you
don't "like" what you are with.

Which is not loving.

And the not loving
is made
by not being present.

It's so weird and easy:

give up the words, concepts, pictures,
demands on the other:

what's left:
love.

Ah, so easy.
So hard.

And without it:
life is dead.
your choice.

the importance of OM

OM slows down
and let's sex come out

OM only takes 20 minutes
and you connect

OM is about paying attention
and
being turned on
and
following sensation
and
and raising sensation
and
handling the raised sensation

OM stands for orgasmic meditation

sometimes you climax
usually you don't

but you fill
and
you connect

OM only takes 20 minutes

it's simple:
up down
up down
up down

it's elegant:
he strokes her
she surrenders

it's clean
the nest is for OM

it's smart
you get deep connection
and
sexual intimacy
without
the
baggage of normal sex

it's free
one finger
one clit
one nest

and
twenty minutes

Sex Every Day-- yuk

Let's say you hate your mate
and
you have this commitment:
Sex Every Day

it can be OMing
it can be straight ahead sex sex
it can be various oral delights

but you have the commitment:

sex every day

and you hate the mate

that rhymes

you hate the mate

you hate your mate

which means: you hate yourself

which means: it's time to talk

which means: big deal
you've got a deeper commitment,
unless you are an asshole, and that's to
your relationship
as a spiritual practice

which means,
you've got a commitment
to stay connected no matter what

which means
you're going to have to talk

yuk

you're going to have to talk
about what you hate about each other
(which means what you hate about yourself)

and so here's the deal

it's not so hard

it takes about half an hour
it takes a timer

you've already go a timer
because you OM, and that's for 15 minutes

this time the timer is timing out
3 minute chunks

your mate ( whom you hate)
talks
for 3 minutes to
you ( whom you hate)

you listen, no interrupt,
no thinking what to reply
just listening
and following breathing
and connecting to gravity
and limbically connecting to their inner feelings

good

you listen,
they talk
the timer goes off

turn it around
take another turn,
have some fun,
talk and they listen,
be present while you talk
notice them while you talk
don't be the usual jerk all caught up in
your words
while you (whom you hate)
talk to them
(whom you hate)

so be it.

do that for 30 minutes,
then you'll probably love each other again,
and it's time for sex
Sex every Day

and if you don't love each other,
so what,
you know you've got a friend
A. who will listen
B. who is committed to staying connected
C. whom you can have sex with, no matter what the emotional nonsense
going on

why link sex only to feeling good

that's so silly

time to grow up

and.....
have
.....
Sex Every Day


good news for a Friday

Love dies ---good

Love dies
good

stick around for the funeral
enjoy the funeral
do the work on the story:
"this should have lasted."

do the work on the story:
"if it ended it was a failure."

do the work on the story:
"since it ended I'm a failure/ the other person is a bitch-bastard."

do the work on the story:
"I picked the wrong person"

what is the work?

judge reality
write it down
ask 4 questions
turn it around

question one: is it true?
question two: can I absolutely know it's true?
q 3: who am I and how do I feel act and live when I take this thought to be true?

q4: Who or what would I be:
either without this thought in my head
or
not believing this thought

The turn around:
You should love me more , turns around to
I should love you more,
I should love me more

You should listen to me
turns around to
I should listen to you
I should listen to me

and
love dies.

is it true that it shouldn't?

and is it true that it did?

and what is love,
once we let the story go?

ah, maybe that's what we discover if we
go to the funeral to
find out what will happen

good

the rules of play

1. Play includes all, but not all includes play.

2. Everything is, or could be, a part of the game

3. The lowest common denominator determines the level of play ( if the players are asleep)

4. The game always plays you

5. (So, hey, don't be a masochist, and...) Don't hurt the game



6. The highest game includes all

7. He or she with the least rules is most likely to win in the long run

8. Altruistic play loses in the short run, and wins in the long run

9. Play only happens at the level of volition

10. The highest play is surrender

This is the kind of thing you learn when you get involved in the crazy wonderful world of http://OneTaste.us, and the practice of meditation based around Female Orgasm.

when someone leaves you, you've been spared

sex every day
someone leaving you?

what's that got to do with each
other

something like this:
love fearlessly

if she leaves you
if he leaves you
you've been spared

one:
you've been spared someone who doesn't want to be with you

two:
you've been spared someone who doesn't want to work things through

three:
you've been spared whatever argument was ongoing between to two of you

four:
you've been spared worrying about if and when he or she will leave

five:
you've been spared from the myth:
only forever is good
and
the myth:
if something ends, it's not wonderful

figure it out:
life ends

so:
don't live

love can end

so:
love more
now
today
while you've got it

sex every day
is a nice way to keep that in action

good

the importance of death

Freud, if I remember, talks of orgasm
as a little death

and yeah, the climax kind
is like a blasting away of
everythng
into the emptiness

a moment or two or ten
of blessed relief

and death has got
to be like that:
no problem, say the jerky jerks
and when you die:

no
problem

and what about the better version?
you're welcome?

you've come to wellness
or come home

and here we get where we always need to
be
NOW

the present
is as empty as death,

unless you are telling a story about it
and that story is words and references
always from outside the
EXPERIENCE
of now

and so what?

and so,
all relationships
die

the other person conks
or we conk
which means die,
not fucking "pass away"

or they leave
or we
leave

and what if there was a commitment
to stick in out?

ah, most people don't want deep
they want a dream
and then when the dream was a lie
they blame the other and leave

and that's death

but the death of
truth

and that kind of death isn't important

the kind that is:

the
IS IT TRUE?
question
to any thought. story. belief we are using to hold
ourselves
back
from a turned on
awakened life

that's all
that needs to die

that's all




good

Love is in no hurry, why should we be?

Love is easy it tis never in a hurry

right now
with the Beloved
She is perfect
He is perfect

What more is there to learn
to see
to hear
to discover
to ask

wait, wait, listen inside the voice
listen, listen, inside the lungs,
what is waiting and wanting to be
said

we want to be seen
we want to be heard

slow down
to let love
catch up with you

and then,
like a tiny tomato,
or redwood
seed
it can grow
and grow
and grow

"Where is God?", according to Kabir, 15th century mystic

I was invited to AN important conference
where many learned men from different countries
were all going to address the topic

Where is God?

I was wearing my best clothes and had even fasted for a week,
hoping to sharpen my mind.
Just before I was to leave though,
I felt powerfully drawn to a little shrine in my bedroom,
and
I WENT there and knelt to pray.

I could not believe what happened next:
Kali threw HER arms around me and started tearing at my clothes,
then she started throwing delicious food into my mouth,
purposely missing several times it seemed,
to soil my pundit attire;

and then she MADE me perform many times as if I were her
husband; then she said, "Now, Kabir, don't be LATE for that big talk,
and don't change your clothes-- I like that love-stained look;
maybe it will become chic!"

I arrived just as it was my turn to stand before this august crowd,
and apologized for my appearance.

"So....Where is God?," the head of the conference asks me.

"Well ( well, I stammered) if you really want to know the truth
--if you hurry--
you might catch Her legs spread
back at my
pad."

Rendering by Daniel Ladinsky,  from Love Poems from God,
some 13 mystics, many of whom think along these lines

Mira's cure for sadness: reach out and touch Reality

I know a cure for sadness:   

Let your hands touch something that

makes your eyes

smile.

I bet there are a hundred objects close by

that can do that

Look at

beauty's gift to us----

her power is so great she enlivens

the earth, the sky, our

soul

Mira

Vulnearble

Vulnerable is another word for
real

we want to be real

we are afraid to be real

we want our deep close friends to be real

they are afraid to be real

ah, me, ah my ,
what's to be done?

talk slowly.

set it up so you listen
listen a lot

listen without thinking of what to say
in response

sometimes it's useful, at least I've found it very useful
to go back and forth with a timer

3 minutes each
4
5
6
7
building up as each takes a turn, talking while the other listens without interrupting
and both attempt to be present
be present to themselves
be present to the other

not just the words
but really present

and then there's this:

either in a turn of this time talk thing,
or just on your own,
start saying this,
"I'm afraid to say this....."
and then say it

see if the world ends

see if your friend leaves you

if they do, they don't really wan the real do

if they don't, they've been honored with your sharing what's the
real you
the vulnerable you

this is essential to
sex every day

extremely

Sensational Sex

People like sex.
They shut the mind down.
They seem to have another person involved.
They sense their bodies as real sensations, not as word describing the experience.
Sometimes they actually do connect to the other.

And they sense themselves.
Mainly the genitals, but good lovers bring the touch to as many areas of the body as they can.

Sensational.

And slow sex, OMing, is very little of the body:
the stroker's finger,
the strokee's clitoris.

And the sensations can be all over the body.
For each.

It's a good practice,
being in sensation.

Sometimes it's even sensational.

Slow Food/ Slow Sex/ Waking up to the Now life

Sex every day.
Slow food.

Waking up in relationship is
about
....
waking up.

Relationship just "makes" it harder,
because we follow a false bet,
the bet that another person is there to read our mind
and do it "just the way we want it"

Or the false bet, that the relationship is
going to
"make everything all right."

Nah, the relationship is going to be someone to kiss
and talk to
and eat food with
and have sex with

slowly

why slowly:
to savor

to notice

to be really there with

slow is our gift to ourselves,
this now that reaches out forever and ever
and
we
forget
because we
are
lost

lost somewhere else and the logic as well as the reality
means:
the past has us gobbled
up
or the future has us living where we aren't yet

and now

now you read or hear this
now you sit lie or stand
now you breathe in or out
now your arms and legs and pelvis are somewhere

slow down and
know all that

and what you are sensing
inside your body
right now
good

Forgiveness 101: Other people are shits

This was going to be some fancy summary, but I haven't eaten all day, trying out Ramadan, which in Austin, in July means not eating from 6:36 in the morning until 8:36 at night.
A tidy 14 hours.
Blah.

And a good time to remember how annoying others are:

They don't appreciate us.
They don't consider us in their decisions, or there use of word.
They don't give us enough time, or attention.
They don't return our calls.
They aren't present when we are with them.
They say rough and tough and even mean stuff.
They yell at us.
Or leave us.
Or leave us and come back and leave us and come back.
And leave us.

They are annoying.

And, of course, we are perfect.

So the forgiveness thing is just a glorified case of :
do you want to be right,
or do you want to be happy

First you start with realizing that you are a person,
and these annoying people are people.

And we're all selfish, forgetful, not appreciative enough, or considerate enough, or whatever whatever sometimes.

So, when other people pull this on us,
we can make a request: next time could you do this
a wee bit
( or a lot) different.

But for now:
it's done, and we can resent and be tweeked by them by the kind of human
being we are sometimes,
or we can try out the last two questions of the Byron Katie work:

who are we, when we plug the "they should have been different" thought into are head

and who are we when we don't have that thought in our head.

Just try to two out.

See where we want to live.

Go back and forth.

No "letting go" required.

Just try out the attached and believing our story version,
and the not believing our story,
or not having a thought in our mind version.

Then chose.

So, it's not condoning, nor letting the others off the hook since we are so kind and wise and forgiving.

It's just enjoying life more without the story/ thought/ belief self injected into our brain, and from there, usually, our heart.

It feels beter to "let it go," and it's not even "letting it go," it's just living without the story, thought, belief in our mind.

What's left?

It's a big world out there, once we are free.

Maybe we'll find something great to do.

forgiving Reality

Sometimes, have you noticed,
the world does not understand that
it is "supposed to be" set up to
go our way,
to make things pleasant and easy for us,
at least,
not to annoy and frustrate us

aggh
Reality just has this perverse sense of humor
and "makes" everything go wrong.
and the "going wrong," of course,
is our idea,
but never mind:

people don't call back
the computer doesn't work
the food is terrible
the sleep doesn't come

you know
those days

those "bad days"

and then the game
as always
is to
"get off on every stroke" as they (we)
say in the OneTaste OMing world

which is a bit like Katie"s
"If we argue with Reality, we lose,
but only 100% of the time"

and so,
what to do,
when Reality seems to be arguing with us
and we just want to scream or cry?


Ah, glad you asked:

Judge Reality
Write it Down
Axe 4 Questions
Turn it around
and around and
around

So:
The computer should be working the way it 'tis "supposed" to be working?

1 IS IT TRUE?
Yeah, of course.

2. IS IT ABSOLUTELY TRUE?
Ah, so, no it's not.

3. HOW DO I FEEL AND REACT AND LIVE WHEN I BELIEVE THAT THOUGHT?
Shitty, mad, annoyed, frustrated, tense in breath, distracted in mind, agitated in heart, forgetful in turn on.

4. WHO OR HOW WOULD I BE WITHOUT THE THOUGHT?
Just me.
Just now.
Just breathing and sensing myself.
Present.
At peace.
Free to do the next right thing.


TURN AROUND, TURN AROUND.
The computer should be functioning smoothly.
Nah, the computer should be as it is.
And I could move toward more smooth, and stop waiting for the computer to shape up for my happiness and peace to come around.

And, like that.
This is part 2 of 3.

Cause forgiveness isn't about being good.
It's about getting good and tired of feeling bad by arguing with What Is.

Good.

Forgiveness

Other people do the wrong thing.
We think.

They "hurt" us.
We think.

They "should have "  done this.
Or "shouldn't have" done that.
We think

What's in common with all of these:
"we think."

We have an opinion, and belief about how things should be
or
how we want things to be
or
how our club/ social strata/ class/ race/ clique
believes things "should be"

and when someone doesn't live up to that.

we think they are wrong.
and we tell other people they are wrong.
and sometimes we tell them they are wrong.

and the upside:
we are right
we are right,
they are wrong

the righteous bliss
that goes no where

no where, but focusing on their wrongness
and our rightness
and meanwhile
the world goes on, the sky changes color, the wind blows lightly in the leaves, the sun dapples against the bark,
life happens and we miss it being right

so what?
so that's what forgiveness is:
letting go of being right.
it's a longer story than that,
and that's all we're going to have
for today.

What does love have to do with it?

When my son was a teenager we had the "drug talk."
It must have gone pretty well, because at Berkeley High, the weed central of the bay area, he had no interest in pot, and would go to alcohol parties and try out his acting chops, acting drunk, but didn't drink.

The gist of the talk was this:
Drugs are a good window, but a bad room.

They can show you what the bigger, more free, more amazing world could be, but if you use them every day, you'll be where you want to be, but not know how to get there, and you'll be trapped in getting the drug to get to the room, and eventually forget the room in a way.

They show the way.

And I said that throughout history, people have done drugs on Full Moon, or New Years, or Easter, or during the Peace Pipe ceremony even for the smoking of tobacco. And on these occasions they showed the way.

What has this got to do with love.

Falling in love is like a drug.

It shows the way to the wide open, unconditional way we need to be in the world.

Unlike drugs, we could be falling in love all the time, it's just that we get habituated to the person we are around, and worse, we start using them as a projection screen for what we don't like in ourselves.

So their nosiness, or inconsideration, or lack of appreciation, or inability to understand us, are all mirrors to our own nosiness, inconsideration, lack of appreciation, and inability to understand others.

But they are around, hey, and it's easier to get annoyed at them.
So we do.

And falling in love goes down the toilet.

But we say we love them, and we might say, "except I don't like you."

"I love you but I don't like you," could be he summary of at least half the marriages and long term relationships in this country.

Is that you?

Which means: love is conditional. When you do X, Y and Z, I disapprove and want to tell you that you are wrong, or disengage, or attack.

But not love.

Unconditional love means love in all conditions.

This is what love has to do with sex.

Any time we can't love our partner ( or anyone we are with), the signal is up: WE HAVE WORK TO DO.

The work will clear the path so we can get turned on and kiss and play and dance and enjoy the other.

In the meantime, OM each day. Have 15 minutes of finger to clitoris connection, not matter if loving or liking or hating.

Connection no matter what.

This is the glue of a real relationship.

Good.

Would you like to Make Out for ten minutes?

What if we just asked for what we wanted?

Don't call it a relationship. Don't pin in down. Just be with that other person. Talk for awhile. Or not.
And then ask for what you want?

This is a foundation for Sex Every Day.
Ask every day, for something sweet and intimate that you want.
The other can say yes. The other can say no.
But your desire is no longer hidden.
It's in there heating up things for Sex Every Day.

and: 

Don't make it everything.

Don't fall into sex as the only place to go when you have desire and want to connect. 

Have some fun.
Ask for the pieces.
That are complete and sweet and full all on their own.

Would you like to make out for five minutes?

Would you like to hold hands while we talk?

Would you like me to touch the back of your neck?

Would you like to OM?

Would you like to cuddle?

Would you like to make love?

Would you like to fuck?

Would you like to have sex?

Would you suck my cock?

Would you like me to suck your pussy?

Would you like to talk?


Ask for talk for its own sake.
Ask for talk for vulnerability's sake.
Ask for talk to get to truth, that sexiest of all ingredients.

Don't be shy.

Ask for connection.

 I recommended talking long and well at first, so that you know you have a real and amazing person on the other end of your make out, or blow job, or sex happening.

Why would you want that?

Because it's about connection.

When we aren't touching, and sometimes while we are, talking is a way of connecting where we can attempt to reveal what we are feeling and wanting and noticing.

Talk can be a distraction from being present.

And it can bring us back: Now I notice this color in your eyes. Now I feel afraid to say this, and feel constricted in my chest. Now, I want to look away, because I am afraid you are judging me.

Now I am alive.
Now I see and hear you are alive.

That's what it's all about. Experiencing our life in the moment.

Even this one.

And the making out list: that's a sweet set of possibilities with someone with whom we want connection.

Who are you going to ask today?

What are you going to ask them?

Have fun.

July 4th: Independence and Connection: Why not just "Do yourself?"-- day 4

In the practice of Orgasmic Meditation, the stroker, usually a man, but fairly frequently a woman, sits full clothed astride a woman with her pants off and her legs butterflied out.

The stroker, with lubricant, very very gently, for 13 minutes strokes the woman's clitoris. Most especially the upper left hand quadrant of her clitoris, though on some days her clitoris "tells" the stroking finger ( asks) to go somewhere else.

The speed can be varied.

The pressure can be varied.

The length of stroke can be varied.

The central focus of stroking can be varied.

The woman asks for this, making requests: " Would you please stroke a little lighter?" "Would you go a little faster, please."

And so on.

She asks.

The stroker says thank you and does what is asked.

At the end of 13 minutes, there are 2 minutes of "downstroking", to bring the energy back into the woman's here and now body, so she can function afterwards.

Then there is a pressure stroke.

Then a wipe off.

Then sharing frames.

And that's an OM..  ( see the demo video at onetaste.us , it's pretty juicy and leaves nothing out)

Okay, now to the question: why not a woman just jerk herself off?

1. She's got to be the one in charge when she masturbates, and so doesn't get to surrender to the moment.

2. She's not able to put herself out of control when she's in control.

3. She's not connected to another person when she's masturbating.

4. Masturbating is usually goal oriented, to go over. OM is goalless: to feel what each feels ( as sensation), in the moment. If she climaxes, fine. If not, and that is usually, then the full symphony of sensations is the orgasm, and this fills her ( and him) day after day after day.

5. She doesn't share frames, get grounded, have a chance to make requests, feel herself in the moment.

6. Which is to say: masturbation, which could be a meditation, usually isn't.

7. Many have said that the orgasm of OM, whether or not climax is reached, is over time far more nourishing that a boatload of regular sex climaxes.

Try it and find out.

Cheers on the Fourth of July.
This may be an independence deeper than any you could ever have dreamed.

cheers
Chris 

Really? Sex EVERY Day?---- day 3

Ah, sex.

In the ordinary world, people let down their barriers a bit, and actually become fascinated with another person, and excited by the new, and they fall in love, and they have sex.

Usually a lot.

The honeymoon/ bunny phase.

And then, one or the other starts to get tired, and it's a lot more than that. One or the other, and usually both, starts to harbor resentments, and they are damned if they are going to give the partner pleasure, even if it means denying their own pleasure to spite/ punish/ withdraw from the partner.

And they have "spontaneous" moments, when they forget the tired, and forget the grudges, and remember how great sex can be, and tumble back into frolic together.

Love making.
Sex.
Fucking.

Maybe all three.

Yum.

And the set ups to these "spontaneous" sex capades are usually a night at a movie, no change to talk/ argue/ avoid on iPhone during the movie. They might even hold hands. Emotions might come up that they share. They have an experience together.

Wallah. Sex.

Or they go to a party, and flirt a little and get some sexual energy up, and go home and need to blow it off. Or, like most people, want to flirt, and don't, and have all that energy to use in sex.

Or they drink a little wine with dinner, and the kids go to bed easily and early and they actually have a talk that they both enjoy, and actually look at each other in the eye and feel the living warmth of the other.

A day on the beach.

And so on.

And then there are all those other days when the "spontaneous" thing doesn't happen.

And that's where "Sex Every Day" comes in.

It's not mood dependent, it's not tried/ not tried dependent, it's not good or bad mood dependent.

The couple decides: Sex Every Day.

And they keep this in motion with OM, with Orgasmic Meditation.
15 minutes of stroking the woman's clitoris
In a nest.
Separate from the bed.
Now one is trying to climax.
It's only her genitals.
The timer going off means it's over.



This happens every day.

Touch, connection, turn on.
Staying present to the sensation.
Staying connected to each other.
Pleasure ( usually) for her.
Connection ( and usually more) for him.

This might bring about lots more spontaneous "normal" sex.
And if it doesn't, the urgency is down, the loneliness is down, connection is way up\

This is good.

Practice --- day 2 of Sex Every Day

OM stands for orgasmic meditation.

You've heard the phrase, meditation practice.

OMing is a meditation practice. Sexy one. And not sexy in a way, because it's about being slow enough and awake enough to feel, as sensation, what is going on now.
and now

and now

and now

OM is a meditation practice.

Practice means you plug away and if you do well, great; if it's not so great, you keep plugging away.

How could you do it better?

And what is better in meditation?

Paying attention.

Being present.

For the strokee: being present to where the finger is stroking and to the sensation in her body.

For the stroker: being present to where the finger is stroking and to the sensation in his or her body.

This is  seeminglya slam dunk, right, it's such a pleasurable place.

And yet, for the strokee, the temptation is to feel it's all "too much" and to check out, or to want to pull for climax, and to get involved in the idea of "too much" and not the real sensations.Or to wish her stroker were a little more this, a little less that. Or to maybe wish she hadn't said yes to this OM. Or to think she's not "really doing it right."

And so on.

For the stroker, good god, so many thought pathways to go down: am I doing it right? Where is the clitoris? What's the right stroke? Why isn't she responding? And more and more . ( With the great relationship ruiner: if the other one were just more of this , or less of that. Why can't they get this or that together?)

And it's a practice: come back to the moment, as you come back to breathing or sensing or emptiness in a meditation.

AND HERE'S MAYBE THE MOST IMPORTANT: WHEN YOU COME BACK TO THE PRESENT, DON'T ATTACK YOURSELF FOR HAVING LEFT IT

JUST ENJOY "COMING HOME"

Practice doesn't make perfect.

It makes awake.

Or, more correctly: it's practice in coming back to awake again and again and again.

This is what life is for. To wake up.

Practicing with a partner in the world of orgasm is a sweet path to waking up.

Perhaps it's for you to try.

Every Day.

Sex Every Day.

And each day "it" will be different, and all you have to do, is be there, be aware.

Pay attention.

Sex Every Day, day 1

We are in relationships, if we are for real, for three reasons: good sex. Good talk. Mutual development. The betterment of the world.

That's four. Not really, because mutual betterment includes the betterment of the world.

There will be plenty of discussion over the month  about the whole shebang of a great relationship, ( we'll kickstart this blog, with a daily post all the days in July)
but let's start here:

Why waste your time in relationship if it isn't a great one?

This too is a great topic, and includes: fear of being alone, expectations of others, taking care of the kids .

Sticking it out for the kids is a half good excuse except for this: it's mean to the kids for them to grow up around people who don't know how to love each other.

Guess what? If Mommy doesn't love Daddy, and Daddy doesn't love Mommy, what happens to the kids, who are at least a third Mommy and a third Daddy and a third their own selves.

No matter which parent they are around they are going to pick up an antagonism that has only one way to go: self hatred.

So, hey, the solution is: get the relationship together or get out.

And it's not that hard to get the relationship together, if you have ..... guess what? SEX EVERY DAY.


Wait, wait, people in shitty relationships will complain: we have to like each other more, or clear up our junk or all that hooey, before we'll even consider sex once a week, let alone, SEX EVERY DAY.

Well, guess what: I can coach any couple through getting rid of ALL resentments, and learning to really listen and empathize in communication, but believe it or not, SEX EVERY DAY, is the easiest way to clear out the rubbish.

Well, second easiest: first each has to start sharing TRUTH that has been hidden, i.e. to be VULNERABLE.

Oh, gad, what am I asking. Sex Every Day? Vulnerability? Might as well shoot ourselves.

Well, except for the effects on the children, yeah you should.

But, get a coach and figure out how to say the truth.

And even before that watch this video on Orgasmic Meditation , as http://onetaste.us.

This is a 15 minute meditation, where the man, fully dressed, strokes extremely gently and with great attention, the upper left hand quadrant of the women's clitoris. She has her pants off and the rest of her clothes on. There is something called a "nest." It is always 15 minutes. The goal is to be goalless and experience whatever you experience.

Orgasm is not the same as climax.
Both partners will have an experience of orgasm.

This gets a couple where a lot of softness, forgiveness and truth can take place.

And
IT'S ONLY 15 MINUTES.

Worth it to stop living in hell and poisoning your soul, and the souls of your children?

If you don't think so, Lordie help you.

Or, me. Call for coaching. 360-317-4773
cheers on day one of the Sex Every Day- ithon.